Husband Wants Another Baby

Did he say WHY he wants another baby? I would tell him, "I don't know why you want another baby. You don't play with the one you already have."

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Let him know exactly how you feel, and that if he helped more you may feel differently. If he wants the new baby badly enough, he may help more and see what is so difficult. Hopefully he will either understand the difficulties you face and not expect another child, or become more more involved with or without the new child. I'm hoping for the latter for you! Good luck.

Hi M.,

In reading your message, I can see you love your husband and your little girl very much. The real problem seems to be that you are feeling neglected and resentful. Your needs of personal time and bonding family time are not being met. You are working very hard as a mother and wife, yet where is your down time, and where is your help with your daughter. How can you be excited about a second child in this situation?

It is wonderful that he is such a good provider, but when a child comes into the family, the work is now 24/7 for the mother, and sometimes the father doesn't realize the load we moms carry. It becomes our job to help them realize this. The truth of the matter is the same for a father. He has work that takes him away from home, but when he is home, he is part of a wonderful family circle, and has responsiblities in that roll.

Do you have any outside activities that you enjoy and are involved in all by yourself? If not, might I suggest you find something that takes you out of the house one evening a week. This evening would be your own personal and growth time and give you a chance to restore and revitalize. It would also serve the purpose of creating time for your husband to have to care for your daughter which will of course make for wonderful bonding time. The addage of "you love whom you serve" works well here. He will appreciate how hard you work, and this may help turn the tide. You must be firm and respect yourself enough to make sure you too have a voice and a bit of time for yourself and your hobby.

As a mother of five, I have learned the hard way how tough it is to find any down time. I put myself last for a long time and found I compensated by eating. I gained about 50 pounds, and this certainly solved nothing. I finally realized I was not respecting myself and that if I would take care of myself I would be happier and have more to give to the family. So I took harp lessons, and not only did it fill my well, but I now teach harp and perform as well. I took time to get my body healthy and strong again, and lost the excess weight. My husband and children were a bit bemused as they watched me change, but are now tickled and so proud of me. They have to help out much more, but it has been incredibly good for all. After all, the family is only as happy as the Mom.

When I was first married, my husband would get ready for bed around 10 pm and ask me if I was coming to bed. I told him I would after I finished straightening the house, taking out the garbage, folding and putting away any of the cloths still out, paying a few bills, starting the dishwasher, checking the doors, turning out the lights. He smiled at me and said okay, and hopped into bed to watch TV. I let it go on like this until finally, I got so resentful, I exploded. This was our first fight, and it was a doozey. He was a full time college student and worked part time. I was a part time college student and worked full time. His thoughts on marriage were that he would bring in the money, and I would do ALL the rest. We had quite a heart to heart and both of us had to set aside a lot of false notions and expectations, and make a new road map that would work just for us, but it was sure worth it. I also learned how to be kinder in expressing my needs, and there is no longer any need to explode. I take care of issues early instead of letting them eat at me, so that I eat to cover them. We spit EVERYTHING 50/50. Actually, the give and take is sometimes him 90% and me 10% or me 90% and him 10%. But the point is, we now are more intune with each others traditions, responsibilies. We no longer subscribe to what is mans work or womans work. It has been 22 great years. We are true partners. Our kids adore him and so do I. Good luck, and be honest with yourself and your husband. It is worth working through. Who know, you may end out with five wonderful children yourself.

Holy Crap!! Heather K sounds like she just walked out of the 50's. Why not add meeting him at the door wrapped in celephane holding a martini to your "to do" list. WOW!
Here in 2008 I think it's a lot more about shared duties. Being a SAHM is a lot of work. I was finally able to get my husband to understand my world by describing it like this: Imagine going to work and never being able to leave. Throw in a few phone calls from your boss a couple of times a night asking you to finish tasks right away before going back to sleep. Then doing it all again the next morning. With no set time off.
Somehow that sunk in with him. You absolutely need to get your husband to hear you. It's not fair that he comes home and vanishes into the bedroom or wherever. He is half the parenting team and you need to feel his presence. He needs to know that that "job" is as important as anything he's doing from 9-5.
For me, my husband and I always talk about things like this at night in bed before falling asleep. It's a calm time and with the kids asleep, we both try really hard to pick the right words to explain ourselves and not to hurt the other and start a fight. Find a time that you can talk to your husband and he will really listen. That may mean finding a counselor of some kind.
I can understand that your husband has worked all day and probably had a hard commute, but playing with a baby can be just as much of a release as stewing in a room alone. He needs to be home when he's home. Otherwise things will go south in your marriage real quick. And that paycheck he's bringing in is the "family income." When I started staying at home, I felt like my husband was doing something more important because he brought home money for it. But after a couple of years, I have decided that what I am doing is far more beneficial to us as a family. I save us on daycare costs. I shop with coupons decreasing those costs. I use alternative transportation saving fuel costs. And most importantly, I ensure that our children are being raised with the basic values and morals that my husband and I hold dear. It's worth every cent I'm not making at a "real" job.
As for having a second child, you are right to be hesitant. Two kids means ten times the work. Trust me. And if your husband isn't holding up his end of the fathering duties now, imagine how lopsided it will be when you haven't had sleep in weeks, the kids are getting into everything, there is less time to do housework during the day, and vegging out is not an option with two kids in diapers. I had my son just as my daughter turned two. She was a model baby with schedules and moods. My son didn't sleep. I'm not kidding. He went to bed everynight at the same time, but woke every 90 minutes no matter what. I tried everything from letting him cry to bringing him into bed with me. Nothing worked. EVERY 90 MINUTES!! Finally at 11 months, for no good reason, he slept through the night. In that 11 months, I couldn't take a nap during the day because I also had my 2-year-old I had to care for, and she was on a totally different schedule. Dishes piled up because I just couldn't keep up with bottles and breakfasts and snacks and cleaning. My husband understood and would come home and immediately clean the kitchen and give me 20 minutes to shower and refocus. Then I'd make dinner while he played with the kids.
Until your husband is willing to be a part of the team, you need to think like a single mom. Are you willing to do it all alone with two kids? Good luck.

It is overwhelming to think about another child when you already have a BABY! If you were to wait until your child is 2 or 3 years old, then it won't seem so overwhelming. I have 4 children and my husband is a lot like yours. I could either play the martyr and hurt my relationship or lovingly figure out a way to do this. One thing that is different, my husband didn't want kids. We had two close together while we were young and then that was it. But...I'll leave it at that. LOL My two older ones were 5 and 7 when number three came along and then I had number 4 two and a half years later. I couldn't make my husband help me. He has such a leadership personality, he is more likely to delegate and supervise rather than help. I've learned to be a blessing to him and change my attitude excepting his personality. I'm not saying that you aren't and I understand your frustration because I was quite frustrated and overwhelmed whenever I had a baby in the house. But now I'm looking at life more from a "hind sight" point of view because my children are 14, 13, 7 and 5. It is much easier for me now. In fact, they are such a huge help to me around the house and with babysitting that my husband and I really enjoying some freedom... Although, you may not want another child now, you may want one in the future when your baby is older. Maybe you could let your husband know that... there are ways to help lighten the load also. flylady.net and there are some easy 30 minute meals etc. online that might help. Good luck! Hang in there!

Dear M.,
I heard this on the radio the other day. Rabbi Shmuley was talking about how a husband can take his wife for granted. He suggested the wife go on a vacation without him for a long weekend or something like that so he can miss her.
My advice to you is to leave your daughter with your husband so he can fully know what it is like for you. Based on what you wrote my opinion is that he doesn't have awareness of what it is like for you.
I wish you well on this matter :)

Hello, M.
This might sound wierd but you and your husband should set a private time. Fix a drink of what ever you like and Show him this letter that you wrote to us. Thank R.

Hi M.,
I regret that in far too many homes, your situation is common. He, of course, is really the real loser, because he is missing out on the best part of being a father. Sure, his "work" may be done when he gets home, but spending limited time with his child should not be thought of as "work".

No, you are not wrong, but it really doesnt matter who is right or wrong, since he thinks the way he thinks and is not asking for help. You are very very blessed to be able to spend all day with your child, although I fully understand how tiring it can be day after day. Therefore, be sure you take care of yourself, even it if means hiring a babysitter to enable you to do so. Taking baby with you is always an alternative, esp if you carry her in a pouch or sling. I carried my babies with me everywhere I could and avoided going to places I couldnt, for several years. Swapping time watching another child with another mom is another option.

Please state your needs to your husband, and if he doesnt accommodate you meeting them, meet them yourself, however you must do it. It is imperative for your wellbeing, that of your daughter, and also of your relationship.

Blessings to you.

Holy Smokes - this sounds EXACTLY likes my situation! My husband said all along he wanted two children. Once our son was born, though, he never spent any time with him (or me). I became very resentful very fast. And there was no way I was bringing another child into an already troubled situation. I was going nuts spending almost literally 24 hours a day with my son and having to do everything else that goes with running a household. I talked to my husband incessantly about it, and we tried marriage counseling, but to this day he still spends maybe 5-10 minutes a day with our son, and even on weekends won't do anything unless I plan it. Please try everything you can to work it out, but if your husband remains the same way, do not bring another child into the household. You are overwhelmed as it is, and the last thing you need is to add to your burden. Another child would just make the rift between you and your husband larger at this point. Also take heart in the fact that there is nothing wrong with having an only child. Many studies have shown that only children are more outgoing and many times do better in school. My son was reading by age 4, and I owe that to the one-on-one time I am always able to give him. He is never lonely, as we have friends over practically every day. So whatever happens, please try to make the best of it. As I said to another poster recently, good luck! I feel for you!

My advice would be not to bring another child into an already troubled marriage. Please try marriage counseling.

Okay first of all, I do NOT agree with Heather K's response, not very nice if you ask me. If she wants to send me a mean message then so be it, I will delete it...

I am a stay at home Mom, I have been since I went on maternity leave with my second child 6/2007. I had gotten the chance to stay home with my first child until he turned one in 8/2006. But all the other times, I was a full time worker and full time Mommy. My husband worked from 1-10 for a long time and commuted so we rarely saw each other except for when I said goodbye in the morning and when he came home at night and I was getting into bed. We got the occasional weekend day together if he managed to get one off. For a long time it seemed like I was a single parent, but I only had one child then so it was manageable and my Mother in law allowed us to bring him to her in home daycare for free which helped out a ton so I could go to work. He was lucky enough to get a job here that he worked M-F 7-3:30 so I see him much more often and so do the boys. We have had many arguments ensue because he does not help out, this began when I was still working and was exhausted at the end of the day. Who cares if he commutes and does all the stuff of working outside the home, we work too. Caring for children can be a trying experience some days, I especially know because I also babysit a very difficult 18 month old that cries all the time. I am pregnant with number 3, which he agreed to because he knows how much I want a girl although it looks like another boy. Children are exhausting, I am sure I am not the first to admit it and so what if we have the option of taking a nap. I don't know about you, but I manage our finances, pay all of our bills and make sure they are all on time, laundry, dishes, vacuuming, mopping, giving our dogs a bath, bathing our children. I pretty much do it all. My husband has been helping out here and there where he can lately because my first trimester was tough and I am still having some serious fatigue and sickness into my second. You are the one home all day so you are caring for your child, you are the one doing everything for her so maybe after your husband has had time to settle down after getting home from work he can help out with bath time, even just waiting with a towel or if you read to her at night he can sit in with you two. Just little things to start with. I totally agree, parenting is a two person job it makes it much harder on everyone when only one participates. Does your hubby help out on weekends/days off? I know my husband has to be gently reminded of things to help out with, just because I am home all day does not make me a slave to do everything for him and my kids. I find nap time makes great quiet time for me, my kids are on the same sleep schedule. All I can suggest from personal experience is to gently ask for help, try not to have a tone (I have that problem because I always wait until I am super irritated to ask because I always think he should just know what is bothering me even though he should not)...I am not a stay at home Mom to have a clean and tidy house or to have a Leave it to Beaver kind of hubby...We are normal people that have all kinds of problems but we work through them, not the slightest bit perfect in any way and don't try or pretend to be like some people on here. I just cannot believe the advice Heather K gave you...How many wives greet their hubbies with smiles and clean appearance, it is life you have spit up on your clothes and your hair maybe all dishoveled...Like he probably looks that great at the end of the day, this is not the 1940-50's...or some old black and white tv show...Like is not perfect...Okay this became more of a rant about another response than helpful, sorry... About the other baby, your daughter is still little, maybe try and get him to help out with even just little things like an occasional bath or reading time, maybe taking out the garbage or taking the dog for a walk...baby steps, and then re-evaluate it after she is one. We did not start again until our first was one, this time we figured we would start because it took two months last time but it happened right after I went off the pill so this baby will be 18 months behind our second instead of 2 years. It i great to have them close together, but if you are not sure about anymore yet than just wait you have time depending on your age. You don't have to have another one right now. Tell him he needs to enjoy the time with one child right now and get more involved when he is home, even just floor time with her would be a great start. Hope any of this helped, sorry I write novels.

Tell your Husband when he cares for the children HE can HAVE the second child and WHY ON EARTH is he wanting to have a second when the first is only 8 months old? Is it just 'cause he wants a boy? What men say and what they really mean are often 2 different things. What exactly is he doing in the bedroom during his "alone time"? These are questions not only should you be asking but, should just be talked about.
Seems to me he is one-sided and what you have isn't a relationship at all. Think twice and h*** o* before continuing.

I don't think you're being the unreasonable one at all! In fact, you could prove it to him by saying, "Okay, for the next 3-6 months....you SHOW me through your actions that you are willing to raise the child we have now TOGETHER as a family. If you can do that, then I will be more open-minded to knowing that I am not going to be subjected to being a single mom (again)!" If he proves to you that it would be a repeat of your situation now, you have a lot of soul searching to do.

My first husband was the same way after we had our daughter. His sole contribution was his hours at work and the paycheck. By the time our daughter was 17 month old, I asked for a divorce and left him. I figured if I was doing it "all" myself anyway, I didn't need to stay in a marriage that left me resentful, sad, and wasn't setting an example for my daughter of the way a man should be treating his wife. Leaving, was very empowering! The great news is that we remained friends, and because he HAD to parent by himself on the days he had our daughter, he came to really appreciate her AND the responsibility of parenthood. He and I have had a much better relationship since our divorce, even after I remarried and had other children.....

Best,
C.

Of course you are not wrong to want and expect help with your daughter. You ask, "how do I get him to understand....". He has to come to this understanding on his own. Perhaps you can agree to talk to to someone together about these issues. Without knowing anything about you there are a lot of reasons and issues that might need to be addressed. I could say try this or that but if there are deeper issues not being addressed these things may or may not not work and will certainly not be a permentant fix to what is going on. One thing I can say for sure is do not bring another child into this world until you work this out and you are both on the same page. Best of luck to you.

I cannot even CONCEIVE of behavior like that!!! Why does he think he should have an 8 hour shift and you should have a 24 hour shift? I'm the working parent and my husband the stay-at-home parent. He is DYING for me to get home after work and hates if I'm delayed at all. When I come home I help as much as I can, taking care of the kids and spending quality time with them while he makes dinner. It definitely is a team effort, especially with all the cleaning and laundry.

You are basically a single mother. Raising the kids by yourself. Your husband is just a paycheck it sounds like. One aspect that he never anticipated was how emotionally difficult it is. They say that the sound of a crying baby has been found to be the most stressful sound in the world to humans. He reminds me of this often. He even battled post-partum depression after our second. If I were to come home and say my work was done for the day, I would have a divorce on my hands.

You guys might want to try some couples therapy. He needs some kind of reality check and I don't know how that might come about. Maybe he needs to spend a week taking care of your child alone, but since he never helps out I guess he wouldn't know the first thing...How absolutely sad.

He's ripping himself off and his child off by his actions (or lack thereof). He will have no bond with his children.

When we were thinking of having another kid, I wanted a second child but I told him it was exclusively his decision since he was the one who would get the brunt of it. He did decide to have another. He always says he doesn't know how women do it and says it is the hardest job he could ever imagine. Prior to this (and now part-time on occasion) he was a home renovator and KNOWS what hard work is. E

Sounds like you need a little more support. I would try to get involved in a playgroup or Mom's club or maybe a babysitting co-op and also try to ask family and friends to help out once in a while with babysitting so you have some time to yourself. Hopefully your husband will come around and be more involved. Maybe then you will be ready to consider having more kids. Good luck!

sorry I deleted my original statement, due to a very rude reply to me from an unwanted source. Maybe I didn't explain my situation well enough, but Heather K didn't ask anymore questions to clearifly my statement. I love my husband and he loves me and for her to imply that I am not someone who my husband of 9 years wants to come home to is just down right rude.

Here is my advice I talk to my husband when issues arise, doesn't mean he always listens. What I find that works better is writing him a letter, since I have been informed that I get an attitude when I try to talk to him (mainly because I am tired). The letter lets you write and rephrase what you need to say to him. You need to ask him him to help out, but you need to take some of the responsiblily. Also, it lets him think about what you are saying before he responds to you and remember to listen when he does.
For you not wanting anther child right now is understanable. Hormes, sleep deprivation, and no alone times makes it really hard for you to want another child. In your letter explain that you are not physically and emotionally ready for anther baby and that you need time for you to adjust to the routines of your current daughter.
Best wishes and just remember that communication is key to a long lasting marriage.

This breaks my heart, especially b/c my situation is the complete opposite. We have one 8 year old son, my husband can't wait to spend time with him, and it's all so wonderful. Your husband has no idea of what he is missing out on. I think of that song "THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE" which is about a dad who never gave his son the time of day...always promising "we'll get together then, Son...ya know we'll have a good time then." Then, when the son is grown, the aged father longs for time from his son but the son has the same response. Have you thought about printing out some of these suggestions and showing them to your husband? Is he around other dads from time to time who are excellent role models? There is no way that you should even consider another child. Then, if the marriage wouldn't work out, you'd be a single mom with 2 kids and he'd be paying child support for 2 kids. He isn't thinking clearly --but why isn't he? Is it possible that he's making phone calls or viewing pornographic material while he is alone in the bedroom? How would he react if you and your daughter just wanted to go lie on the bed with him. We do that all the time when Daddy comes home from work exhausted. M., you need to ask people to pray for you, get your hubby into counseling, and not doubt yourself. What do have to motivate you to have another child? A virtually absent husband?! Does he resent not having a son? If so, what if you have another girl? What were his parents like? Are they local? Do they see his lack of interest in THEIR granddaughter? What is he doing hanging out w/another guy at midnight? Doesn't he have a job in the morning? Is the other guy married with kids? Are you sure he was really at a movie with another guy? He's more interested in a movie than his wife and child in the middle of the night? That would not be fine with most women. Also, you say your husband is really sweet, but I don't see how? If he doesn't have patience with an 8 month old, he'll never have it for her as she grows older and her world grows bigger. Also, your husband may go crazy when he sees how much sibling rivlary and constant quarreling may happen. So many parents say that is the hardest part of having 2 or more kids...the fighting, disagreement, petty arguing. I disagree that your husband isn't having his needs met. How can you even know what they are when he hides out in the bedroom? Not only that, but a spouse cannot possibly fulfill the needs of another. We all need a variety of people (friends, family, encouraging co-workers,nice neighbors, fellow church-go-ers, etc) to fulfill us. Bottom line: You are only 8 months post delivery and he's already talking about # 2 while showing little interest in #1. Forget it! You'll just be adding more problems. Solve this issue and don't even consider another pregnancy until it is resolved.

Here is an idea. Find something that you "need" to do for several hours away from the house where he will have to watch your baby. It won't take long for him to realize just how hard you work! When you get home and he's exhuasted and overwhelmed -- that is the time for the conversation.

This is what I did for my husband who was complaining early on when I wasn't getting to emptying the diswahswer and stuff everyday. Now, he gets it, and he has been such a bigger help!

I don't know what your husband does, but mine sits at a desk, and he admits, his job is SO MUCH EASIER than mine and mine never ends! I don't know what kind of mom that woman is, but I haven't had a moment to "veg out" in the last year since my son was born!!

Good luck, and stick with your instincts. I didn't want another one either, but now I'm starting to feel those pangs :)

I am sure you have heard this before...no you are not crazy for not wanting another child when you currently ARE A SINGLE PARENT. Any Guy who thinks just paying the bills makes him a good dad is stuck in time warp.
Maybe this sort of thinking worked when we lived in big families that all lived in the same town...and grandma or aunties could just pop over to help anytime. This no longer the case for most of us.
The average toddler makes about 10 attepmts to engage his/her caregiver an hour, and for good psychological health to develop...he or she needs to be responded to. this is why even good daycare for really little ones is not in their best interest.
Ten minutes a day is not enough for a good parent relationship to develop. I am concerned for you and your daughter. Your husband will never realy know her, as a care giver, if this pattern continues. She is not some baubble to enjoy whenever he wants. Is he planning on getting more involved when she can walk? talk? I wonder what his thinking is? You are going to have to communicate more with him...even if you never have another child.

Hi M., Here is my 2 cents....life is too short to be unhappy. I was married at age 30 for 8 years to a man that NEVER helped around the house, literally did not take out the trash, help with the kids or anything...I got very resentful since I work full time out of the house (I own an insurance agency)and no matter what I did, I could not get him to be 'active' in the family. So since I was a single parent anyway, I kicked him out. I must mention, that right before I kicked him out, I found out he had a Myspace profile and was chatting on line and texting local women...NICE! So when he was too busy to be with us as a family, or helping with the house, he was on the computer or text messaging women he shouldn't have been. So when your hubby says he's out with the boys...and is in his room by himself...I would keep a very close eye on that. Ok, my point in all this being, I have been divorced over a year and at age 41 have a wonderful boyfriend that I live with who takes out the trash, does dishes and laundry, reads to the 3 of our kids (he has a dtr full time that lives with us), plays with them and is the man I needed and the dad the kids deserve. I feel like I had to go thru the marriage I did with the man I did to now see and appreciate what a real man truly is. So at age 41, I'm so happy and am thankful that I did not settle for an unhappy marriage with a man that clearly did not want the same things out of life that I did. I have that now. You need to figure out asap what is best for you, talk to your husband and see if you can work this out before you bring another child into the picture. I never thought I would be divorced and would never suggest it lightly to anyone else. However, life is passing you by very quickly and you need to do whatever it takes to make sure you and your daughter are happy. I wish you the very very best and good luck!

M.,

It's late, but I'm just checking some emails and feel compelled to respond to your plea. I am trying very hard at having an empty cup and not passing judgments on anyone, so please forgive me if at times I sound less than compassionate. However, you are so so right to not want anymore children at this time. First of all your daughter is still very young so you have a so much more time to have more children. But really, that is the least of the "problems" here. It seems that you are really listening to your inner voice (Your instinctual gut). You know that 2 children will just mean more work for you. A devoted mom and wife doesn't mean a slave mom and wife. You seem to know that he NEEDS and you WANT him to be an involved father. Not just for your sake, but the sake of your daughter. Just because he makes the money doesn't mean that he holds all the power. YOU WORK - ALOT, and you wear alot more hats than he does. You and your daughter DESERVE an interested and compassionate husband/father. Have you told him why you dont' want more children? REALLY WHY YOU DON"T WANT MORE CHILDREN? Does he really know how you feel? What is keeping you from telling him? What do you think would happen if you tell him how you really feel? And sometimes, what we think may happen and what actually happens are 2 different things. Sometimes it's not. Maybe he retreats to the room because he needs alone time has alot to do with how he grew up - his idea of what a father should be, his story of what a mother/wife should be. Maybe he retreats because he needs a few moments to go to his cave. Maybe he goes to the room because he really has no idea how to relate to being a father...how to relate to you as a mother or to your daughter. Maybe he's depressed. Whatever the reason, you need to get to the bottom of it - quick.
Did you both talk about what becoming a parent means before you got pregnant? Did you know what kind of dad/husband he would be? I think that on some deep inner knowing level, maybe you did....maybe you ignored it. It's not your fault really. We often ignore our inner wisdom. We often think that the other person will change just if.......
I dont' know you or your husband from anything. Maybe he's the most amazing man on the planet except this one thing. Maybe you have the most amazing marraige on the planet...except for this one thing. Maybe you are really pissed off right now and want to vent about this one thing. But this one thing, seems to be pretty huge. This one thing is making you call out to other women you don't know in hopes of finding some solice, comfort, and support. Myself and many other women will hold a space of support for you, make suggestions, ask questions, give advice, give prayers for strength. This ONE THING, if not taken care of in a way that is respectful to both of you will eventually wear you down. I really can't tell you what you need to do. I believe you know what you need to do. I beleive you know what is best for you and your family. Listen to your inner wise woman. She will know how to take the next step. Listen to her and listen to your husband with compassion and love. But listen. She knows what to do...not out of fear, but out of strength. Your beautiful daughter will thank you for it.

I wish you much energy for peace and strength as you move through this.

A.
mom of 4, married 14 years, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

H M.-
Deciding on whether or not to have another child is a huge decision and one that will affect the rest of your life. It sounds like your marriage issues are far bigger than just this one decision. I would highly recommend being on the same page before getting pregnant again, otherwise, his aloof attitude will just get worse, and you will grow to resent him. That's not a good situation for a marriage. You two married because you were in love.... try to remember how that felt.
I do agree with some of the responses.... the ones that mentioned guys need "direct" communication. It took me 6-7 yrs. of marriage to learn that. Now.. I just ask him sweetly to do certain things (not overdemanding)... and it is much easier... not perfect though! Some of the responses took me by surprise. It sounds like you truly love your husband and want to be on the same page.. some of the gals were pretty harsh about the whole situation.
One book that helped us tremendously is "The Five Love Languagues" by Chapman. You can get it at Berean Christian Stores, or on-line at several different sites, such as Amazon, or Christian Book Distributors. It is well worth the money.

My husband is a trained counselor and offers his services free through our church. He is a Baptist minister. You don't need to be a member of our church, or even go to church to ask for help. He is very easy to talk to, and would be happy to meet with you at the church, or both you and your husband, if he will agree.
You could approach it that you want to get counsel about whether or not to have a second child so soon... maybe some other issues could be resolved.
I will be praying for you... sounds like you have your plate full and need some wisdom and prayers in approaching this. I'm here if you ever need to talk or just chat.
toni

my husband: Joel ###-###-#### (cell #)

I can completely understand what you're feeling. Having kids is not always the picture of perfection. It can be tough and very tiring especially when you're not getting much help, if any at all. You have every right to be aggravated that your husband is not helping out and for him to be upset with you for not entertaining the idea of adding to your family is extremely unfair of him. I would hope he's rational enough to have a calm discussion with you where you can express your frustrations to him and describe to him specifically what needs are not being met. You should of course be willing to hear him out and get some insight into why he thinks you should have another baby at this particular point in time.

Your daughter is only 8 months old and it's completely understandable that the idea of being pregnant while already caring for an infant is unappealing. I can tell you from experience that it's not the easiest situation-- I had a surprise pregnancy when my first was only 4 months old. I love my boys more than anything, but being a SAHM to a 1 and 2 yr old is no walk in the park. Your husband works outside the home all day so perhaps he doesn't see the detail of what your day is like. My husband literally had no idea how much I was doing and there was a day he actually-- no joke-- asked me what I do all day! Needless to say, I had to enlighten him and now he is happy to help me more. When he gets home, he has 15 minutes or so to change clothes and wind down in our room, but then he immediately comes out to watch the kids while I make dinner.

The only thing I agreed with Heather K on is that men do respond better to direct requests ie. 'I need you to do the dishes tonight' etc. Hinting about needing help is unlikely to inspire your husband-- not that I'm implying you're a nag. Just be open, direct, and honest. Men can be oblivious at times and maybe he just isn't noticing that you are stressed about all the things on your to do list. Also, for your part, try to acknowledge that it's okay if you don't accomplish everything. You shouldn't have to be staying up until the wee hours of the morning to do so. I've certainly had to compromise my desire for a spic n' span home for my sanity. I've come to accept that when you have kids there will be Cheerios on the kitchen floor and sometimes the dishes won't get done that day. Nobody is going to judge you on that. The most important things are caring for your child(ren), keeping yourself healthy-- and sane, and maintaining a good relationship with your husband. The way I look at it as that if I can keep those things in check, then anything else I get done is a bonus.

You are not wrong to think you should have help raising your daughter. I'm lucky in that my husband has always wanted to spend time with our kids (even if he wasn't helping out with household chores until I asked). Spending a mere 10 minutes a day with your little girl is much too little. Is there something you notice he particularly enjoys doing with her? Maybe you could add something to your daughter's routine that could be a special time just between her and her daddy. My husband sits our boys on his lap and reads books to them before bed. Something like that could be very beneficial for both your daughter and husband because it's low stress but they'll get to share some bonding time. Once he starts spending time with her I'm sure he'll see how precious she is and will naturally want to spend even more time with her.

I apologize for the length of this, but I hope I was of some help! Best of luck! I hope everything works out. :)

Hi M.-

I would ask my husband how much time he needs in your bedroom to recover from work. Then, give him a list of the things you need to get done and ask for a little time donated from him after he's had his alone time ( twenty minutes should do it). A reasonable amount of time from him would be 45 minutes at this point. Babies don't really care about their fathers at this age; they care about their mothers. A man who has to deal with a tantruming child and an angry wife will do whatever he can to get away. You be reasonable, too. He is supporting you; otherwise, you would have to work or have very little money to live on, and that is a real pain.

Sounds like you are basically a single mom. I raised my son by myself, and, although it was hard at times having to be both parents at once, I recommend it highly over conflict. Your husband's choices re: his relationship with his child are not your decision; they are his. However, you are being supported financially; the bills are being paid; and that is huge. He is not abusive. Many men are uncomfortable with babies, and do much better when they are older.

That said, it is too soon for you to get pregnant. Just say that you think that you are not feeling well enough yet. It takes a lot of energy to keep the house to the standards you had before you had your child. You should not be up in the middle of the night doing housework. If you cannot get the work done during the time that the baby is awake (use one of those cool slings; as long as she is touching you, she should be happy), then don't do the work. You will feel much better once you are able to sleep. Sounds like you are 'grinning and bearing' it a little too much. Many men are unable to comprehend the huge amount of work a very young child generates. And, if he is leaving at midnight?!!!he clearly hasn't a clue. I see no reason why that should be OK, unless he works swing or night shift. Take prenatal vitamins, and do all the healthy stuff. He is a traditional man. Figure out a schedule for you and baby. He clearly doesn't come into the equation except for his meals, his laundry, and whatever it takes to keep him around. Find a decent sitter, and arrange date nights to give him some of your undivided attention. Try not to carry this conflict over (Nap with baby those days). Stick to it. Do not do the maximum work; do what you are able to do and still get your 8 hours of shut-eye, eat properly, get together with other moms with babies, keep you baby happy and well-fed, do your laundry, feed animals, vacuum, take your daily bath or shower, etc. All else is gravy. If he objects, just state that you are not getting any help, and this is your solution. I would not be getting pregnant again until baby is over a year and a half old. If the frustrations also includes his not paying proper attention to you, counseling is in order. You don't say whether you're nursing- that is a huge stressor, too. It takes it out of your body bigtime, even though that is what is best for baby.
Hope it's helpful. S.

It sounds like you guys need to have a big heart to heart conversation about what each others expectations are when it comes to parenting. Do you guys still have date nights? If not, that would be a something good to start with and a good place to talk (check out sittercity.com for babysitters). Time together away from the house to communicate is so SO important, especially after having kids.

It sounds to me like some of your husbands needs aren't getting met. The only reason I say this is because I've been there - moody, grumpy, surley, uninvolved husband - to the point where I asked him if we wanted me to just take the kids and leave since he obviously didn't want to be a family. What I found out when I put my feelings and hurts aside and found out what he was feeling, I found out that he had needs that weren't being met because of the kids. I tend to think that raising the kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc all show my husband I love him and am taking care of him but it turns out they don't. He would rather have a messy house and more time with me than a clean one. I encourage to seek your husband out (though I know where your coming from and exhausted of always taking care of someone else!) and find out the deeper issue. We now are back to having a wonderful relationship and are already talking about number 3.

Good Luck.

Hi. I don't understand why he wants another child if he isn't interested in raising them. You are very lucky , as I am, to be a stay at home mom. It is rare these days. My husband works two jobs and picks up as much overtime as he can at the firestaion.........which means sometimes I am home with our daughters, 3 years old and 6 month old, for 3 whole days at a time. It is a bit much but the rewards in the girls' lives is worth the extra effort I have to put in. My husband doesn't go straight to our room after work. He has always been considerate to have his alone time after they go to sleep. If I were you I would wait a while longer before jumping into another pregnancy. 2 kids in diapers is alot of work. But having 2 kids is also great because they will be able to play with each other while you relax a bit. I just had my niece over for a sleep over with my 3 year old and it was heaven. I just sat back and nursed my baby while they had fun. I never did like the idea of an only child. You need to calmly talk to your husband and see why he feels another child right now is appropriate and explain why you feel the opposite. Let him know how it hurts and angers you to hear him say how he makes the money so he should be able to do what he wants when he gets home. Running the house is far more work than our husbands can even fathom. It isn't just a 8 hour shift it is 24 hours a day that we are on duty and he needs to appreciate your hard work as much as you appreciate his. You shouldn't stress about cleaning up the house until 2 or 3 in the morning eiother. Let the dust bunnies grow....they aren't going anywhere. Try to stick to the same bedtime every night so that you are rested the next day. That was my hardest thiong to overcome. My house isn't the cleanest on the block but I am happy and so is my family. Maybe you should get a house cleaner. Good luck

Here would be my suggestions:

(1) Do whatever it takes to keep your marriage intact. You do not want to deprive your child of an in-home father and start a legacy of divorce for her.

(2) Set limits for yourself. You cannot work around the clock. Set a time, maybe 2p, and just say, "The rest of the afternoon is play time," and stop whatever housework you're doing and RELAX with your sweet baby.

(3) 2 books I have found super-helpful: "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle, "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian

Hi M.,

Wow. Interesting responses so far. I have to say....there is not enough information in your post to make any judgements, but, my first feelings when I read this was that your husband is some sort of arrogant chauvenist that wants to keep you home, barefoot, and pregnant while he does whatever he wants. I don't know if that is true??? I'm not trying to be rude. I have no clue if you are a neat freak, or lazy, or a nag, or have high or low expectations either.
To me, marriage is about mutual respect for each other.
I know it is hard to be home all day with the kids. It is challenging to say the least. (and rewarding whether or not we feel like it or not)
I will agree with SOME of what you have received as advice though:

1. Men are clueless! You will get nothing unless you ask them directly. If you need/want help, you need to specifically ask for it. But, just like I tell my children....they will get nothing if they whine when they want something!
2. You still have a baby. Your husband is selfish for considering you get pregnant again so soon. (Then again, I don't know if you are in your 20's 30's or 40's) I would wait till your daughter is at least one year old before deciding on another.
3. I think it is so rude of your husband to shut you and your child out as soon as he gets home. What is he teaching your daughter by doing that? She is too young now, but you just wait as she gets older and wants her daddy more. He will BREAK her little heart! He should come home and (if he doesn't already) great you both with a kiss, then go and change his clothes or whatever and come out. Not hide himself away. What is he doing in there by himself anyway???
4. Not to worry now, but as your daughter grows and if you do have another child, it is important that your children see you and your husband have some alone time to talk about the day before any play with the kiddos. It is so important that children see their parents respect each other and it helps them to understand their place in the family and that mom and dad are a team.

I know that when my kids were young, my husband loved them, but didn't quite know what to do with them because he wanted to play rough with them. You can't do that with a baby, so hopefully as she grows older, and starts interacting more, he will be more comfortable with her and spend more time having fun with her. Babies/toddlers can be soooo funny!

Besides working long days, my husband is responsible for trash and dog poop. Anything else he helps with is a blessing. He will help with dishes too and he loves to grill. So if one of us cooks, the other does the dishes and visa versa. It's a nice trade off.

Think about what it is you want and what you can handle and what you think he can handle, and TALK about it. Remember, that attitude is everything, so try not to let your emotions get the better of you. Let him know that you did not marry him so that you could be a single parent. That's not fair. It took the two of you to make a child, so he should not think his part of the deal is over. It is just beginning!! Good luck!

Hi M.,
i have to say that i completely understand how you feel. My husband was the same way. i have told him that the only way that we will ever have more children is if he helps out. i will not be doing it all by myself with 2, no way. its been on going since she was born. she is now 16 months. i explain to him that his days off are our only time to be as a family. and when he gets home that he needs to take that time with our daughter. SHE needs it. she needs that bond with him. he always gets upset when she doesnt come to him or she would rather go to a grandparent than him.. i told him that its because she doesnt see you enough. i have to say it has gotten better. the only thing im working on now is the weekends. he always wants to sleep in and take naps.. and i have problems with that because even though i dont "work" i still would like to sleep in or whatever sometimes. but i also said i can aleast have dinner with him during the week but our daughter never gets to eat meals with him. she is now using a spoon to eat her cereal and hes never seen it. i told him that he is missing things that are happening with her. but he is a little younger, going to be 23 in oct. i am going to be 25 in jan. i have explained that when i get a job too that if i took his attitude that brooke would never be taken care of and we would live in a dump.. because i work.. i cant do anything.. like him.. lol. but i think hes getting the picture. all i can say is just keep at it. hopefully he realizes and changes.. best of luck to you. if you need to talk more, feel free to email me on here.

It looks like you were married for a few years before you had your daughter, was he always like this?

Is there something you could do differently when he comes home at night to help inspire him to want to spend time with you and the baby?

Do you greet him at the door with a fresh face, a clean sweet smelling baby and a big kiss? Or is it more like "Tag you are it! You wouldn't believe the day I've had with her!"

I know the temptation for us stay at home moms to feel like it is "our time" when the husband comes home...but really isn't all day "our time". Did your husband have the freedom to have a nap today with his daughter if he wanted to? Was he able to go browse around a mall or have a long lunch with a friend if he wanted to? Was he able to look at the mounds of work around him and just decide he was going to "veg out" today instead?

No, he probably had a stressful comute, spent the day working with people he doesn't really care for and doing a job he doesn't really like. That is what most men do! Then we expect them to come home in a great mood, swoop in and rescue us from childcare doldrums and do the dishes? Come on!

Let him have his "downtime" (after being greeted with that big kiss!). Go in a half hour later and lay your daughter on his chest, rub his feet a little, whisper that his dinner is ready...help him unwind! Be someone he WANTS to come home to!

After dinner ask him clearly and directly for what you want. Do you need a chore or two done? Ask him! Do you need him to coo to your daughter while you take a bath alone? Ask him! Do you need help with the animals? Ask him!

Men like clear directions. If we are expecting them to look around our house and our lives and try to figure out ways to make our life easier...it isn't going to happen. Telling him directly what you need at the time you need it.

Why are you up until 2 or 3 in the morning cleaning up when you have all day to do it in little bits? I imagine not being in bed with your husband as he drifts off to sleep might have some impact on his apathy toward your needs. Men have very physical needs (aside from sex) and need to feel close to their women in a phsyical way.

Finally, do many men know what to do witha 8 month old? Look for the things he does that makes her giggle, or a tender moment when he is holding her...praise the heck out of him when you see it. "She looked like she just loved it when you blew rasberries on her belly!" " You looked so precious when she fell asleep on your chest!" Or assign him a special thing to do with her each day. I would bathe our babies and hand them soaking wet to my husband who would give them their daily massage and dry them off. To this day he still rubs lotion into our kids and dries their hair (something they can all do themselves but love when Dad does it instead).

Good luck! You really do have the power to influance your husband's behavior. Most women would love to have a man that wants her to have more children! (Instead of seeing them as a burden) He is obviously in love with you and his baby!

I've had very similar discussions with my husband. He is also ready for #2 and I am not ready and don't know if I ever will be. My situation is a little different from what you described. My husband does help with the house and our son. He does want 'playing with the baby' to mean 'the baby plays alone while I watch TV,' but from what I've seen, he does more than many husbands seem to. The other difference is that our son has some developmental delays, so his milestone acquisition is not predictable. Friends of ours have two little girls who are 22 months a part and my husband's argument was, "They're doing it, why can't we?" The argument that helped him understand my point of view was when I said, "When so and so got pregnant with their second, she did so knowing that their oldest would be able to do X, Y, and Z by the time the new baby came. Our child is not predictable developmentally and I need for him to be doing X, Y, and Z before I'm willing to discuss the possibility of another child. Right now, he is still a baby for the most part and I don't want to have two babies." My husband has been home for the summer and now has a better idea of the daily life of caring for our wonderful child, including working with his therapists and the little extras that he requires."

I understand the argument of wanting kids to be close in age so they can play together. Moms that I know who have done this usually say, it was great for the kids and really hard for them to have two kids so close together. If you have friends with young kids who are close in age, let him spend some time (a lot of time) with those two kids to get an idea of what it's like. For that matter, leave him with your daughter for a couple of hours. If he spends 10 minutes/day with her, a couple of hours will feel like an entire day to him. When you come home and he's exhausted and from his two hours of parenting, ask him what it would have been like to have two babies for that amount of time. Since you are the one with 99.9% of the child raising responsibility, I think you really need to wait until you are comfortable and if that never happens - you have one beautiful child and that's plenty.

Maybe more experience with the day to day parenting stuff will help him realize that it's not all smiles and naps. Good luck.

make sure you are practicing birth control to protect yourself and get some counseling - if possible with your husband - it doesn't sound like he is participating much in parenting once the creation of the child has been completed - good luck