Husband Upset by His Sister "Stealing" His Name for a Son

Hi Gail, I think "Mom L K" has the best response. People who are posting with negative responses about your husband don't understand the tradition of naming after a father. I had a similar situation in my family. I was the pregnant mother and wanted to honor my father who was dying. There was very little promise at the time that my brother (who was named after my father, grandfather, ggrandfather) would even have children, but I made sure to only use my father's first name as my son's middle name. I would never cross that line of taking a name naturally meant for my brother's son! Good luck!

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Ok, this is going against most of the respondents, but I'm actually on the side of your husband on this one, since he is a "junior" he would like to have the opportunity to make his son a "third." It is a very traditional take on naming and if that is your families intention, then your SIL should honor it. And I'm a big believer that names should be as unique and special as possible and I do think family should be honored in subsequent new generations, but I think the idea of first cousins with the same name as pretty silly when there are a million names out there. Yes, who knows what the future will hold for your family, but when it comes to carrying on a traditional naming pattern, I think that you and your husband indeed have "dibs." The only thing would be for him to talk to his sister directly and express how he feels, and leave the rest of you out of it.

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Have you mentioned to your SIL that you are going to name your future son that name. maybe it would turn her off and she won't choose that name.

My mother's brother is named Robert Sloan. He named his son Robert Sloan Jr. My mother named her son Edward Sloan and now we have an Edward Sloan Jr.

Why doesn't your husband talk to his sister and explain that he realizes that she also loves and respects their father and would like to see his name carried on, but being that he is the son and named after their father, he would like the option of using the name.....so if she wouldn't mind if she could use the name as a middle name and not the first name. That way there won't be any confusion and the name gets used for sure.

We have quite a few Sloans in our family and it has worked well for three generations now to use it with a different first name if a female family member wanted to use it for their son.

Years ago, this was very common. Families would honor family members by naming their children after them. On my side, my grandfather was Joseph. As a result, he had three grandchildren named Joseph. So they each had nicknames--Joey, Joe, JoJo. It works. Same with my husband's family. They have a bunch of Roberts--Bob, Bobby, Robert, Rob, etc. Your SIL has a right to honor her father, just as your husband does. My husband wanted to honor his grandfather--Thomas. I wasn't crazy about the name, but I wanted to respect his wishes so I agreed to it. We gave him a 'J' middle name, and everyone calls him TJ.

Life is short and there are so many other things to get down about. This really isn't a big deal. I think there is alot of room for compromise here.

Good luck!

If your husband is this upset he should speak with his sister and make his case. It does not seem like it should be this big a deal. If you were actually pregnant with a boy that would be different but you are not and you may never be. We do have 1st cousins in our family with the same first name but different middle names and maybe that's where you can differentiate. Hope things calm down before any more holiday gatherings.

A possibility for either of you would be to combine names to honor BOTH grandparents of the child. My sister-in-law's son's first name is John Brian. John for her father-in-law and Brian for her father. I would suggest that to your sister-in-law. That would leave your husband's actual name open if and when you have a son. Hopefully that can keep the peace.

Gail,
I understand your husband wanting to name his son after his father (and himself!). However, your sister in law is pregnant now with a boy & there is no guarantee that you will ever have a son. The name belonged to her father, too, and your husband does not "own" this name, especially since her son will have a different last name than you. Please try to convince him that with so much actual pain, suffering & trauma in this world right now that he should not create World War III with his family over this issue. Try to remind him that now is the time to be THANKFUL for his beautiful healthy family and try to remember all of the wonderful things in his life. Hopefully, if you are ever blessed with a son, you can still use the cherished name. Good luck & happy thanksgiving!!

I can see his point, especially if it's HIS name too! My sister and I both wanted "Charlie" and she had the boy (not named Charlie) and I had a girl (NOT named Charlie). Now we have no Charlie. Either you'll have 2 or NONE. Which is better? Would your sister-in-law consider using your father-in-law's name as a middle name? It seems kind of selfish of her, but I guess you have no way of knowing if you'll have a boy. Tough situation. Try to calm him down and try to convince him it will be okay. Make SURE to tell your sister-in-law that you DO plan to use the name and maybe she will change her mind. GOOD LUCK!!! I wish you a very peaceful holiday season (HOPEFULLY).

You are correct...your husband is being a big baby...I know! Why don't you name the kid "Big Baby" after your husband. You can call him BB for short!

Oh my goodness, this reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when George's friends "stole" the baby name for their new baby and George didn't even have a baby yet.....I really feel for you because if your husband is anything like mine when he believes strongly in something, even if he's 100% wrong, there's no reasoning with him! I actually just named my son Nicholas and we have 2 good friends with kids the same name. Some people are touchy about this, I'm not at all, but obviously your husband is. My advice to you is to just remain neutral. I have a feeling that if your sister-in-law does name the baby after him, he'll eventually get over it. No sense in going to battle with him, or worse, her, over this!

Hi Gail,
Just offering my opinion.....your sister-in-law should respect your husbands wishes to be the one to pass down "his" name. We have a similar situation in my family. My brother's name is Robert, after my father. Originally, whichever child had a boy first got to name their son Robert. Last year my father passed away and my brother made it perfectly clear that the name Robert is on reserve until he and his wife have a boy or it is determined that they won't have a boy. It is his name to pass on and that is just how it is. My husband and I are expecting our second child and the only way I can honor my father is by using Robert as a middle name. I am completely fine with this. It is how it should be. Your sis-in-law should be a little more understanding of how your hubby feels. Just my thoughts :)

this is crazy... no one owns a name! if she likes it, she should use it. if you and your husband like it-- you should use it too! it is ridiculas to fight over a name. while he has every right to feel anyway he wants HOWEVER it is crazy just plain CRAZY to let it ruin or cuase a rift in a famiy. life is to short- is it worth all the anger?

Gail

we had the same sort of something happen at our house when we had our last child. Our last was a boy finally after 3 girls and had been named forever!! When we called to tell my sister and her hubby the baby's name.....they were like....."hey!!!! that's our name"!! Needless to say,I corrected them and reminded them they had had the first boy in the family and could have used the name first. It actually was our maiden name and my sister named her 2nd son after our maiden name for his middle name as we had. It is unfortunate that your hubby feels as strongly as he does........but understandable too!!! Try staying clear of the situation by emphasizing the difference in last names,etc. or maybe try saying something like using initials or whatever. Truthfully you may NOT have a boy and then what????? good luck J.

One of the many reasons I never told anyone the names we were considering for our babies. I told them after the baby was born. This way, I didn't have to deal with anyone offering their 2 cents!

It sounds like your hubby has made his feelings known towards what he'd do as far as naming a son. If that's the case, then yes, I'd feel like she's "stealing" it too. Also, there's nothing wrong with having 2 kids named Joe in the family. My name is M. Denise and my uncle named his 2nd daughter M. Denise. My mom got over it really quick. Actually, I don't think she was angry but if she was, it was too late because it was a done deal.

First of all, I'd let him calm down a bit, then I'd try to get to the bottom of "the real" issue of why this bothers him to the point of family division. While I understand him being disappointed, his sister beat him to it, and she also has a right to name her child whatever she chooses. This sounds like it goes a bit deeper than a name. A couple of ideas...does he have any other male family members that he has great admiration/love for like an uncle or grandfather, or even a cousin for that matter that he would like to name a son after? What about flip flopping his name around and using his first as a middle, and his middle as a first? What about some of your male family members' names? I know it is traditional in some cultures to name the first born son after their fathers, and give the middle name of the mother's father to the child (it certainly is in mine), but in some culture's they use the mother's maiden name as a first name, think Hunter, Forrest, Tyler, here. Hope this helps, and good luck

Your husband is being a jerk, if you'll pardon the expression. It's not "his" name to "steal" or otherwise. If you eventually have a boy, use the name.

While I understand both sides of this issue, your husband is out of luck. She can and will name her son whatever she wishes and unless you think she is just choosing this name to be spiteful, there is no reason to be upset with her. I could see disappointed, but not angry. Tell your hubby to bite his tongue and be happy the name will be in the family. There is no guarentee you will have a son. Give him a cookie and tell him to put things in perspective.

She's naming it for her father-in-law. Your husband is taking it personally. It may seem like a big deal, but many nicknames appear when you don't expect them. Maybe your sister-in-law will have a nickname for her son. As the boys get older, it won't make a difference.

Your son will be your son and no one can take that away. I can understand your husband's disappointment. I say let's hope that all the children are born healthy and have a supportive family with lots of aunts and uncles to turn to for support.

Hi Gail,

Tricky situation! Have you tried getting both of them to sit down and talk it out? They would need a mediator of sorts to keep the conversation friendly, and maybe you would be okay for that. I wonder if he has ever told his sister how much he wanted to do this. It may end up being okay with both that the son takes that name, but they need to have face-to-face communication with each other and talk it out. That's my suggestion - many an argument, disagreement and misunderstanding has been resolved with face-to-face communication.

I seriously don't mean to be glib but go rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Greek parents often name their children after the grandparents which is why you get so many Georges, Nikos and Johns in one family. It's form on honor and respect.

I can empathize with your husband but if his sister want to honor their father with naming a baby after him, then she should be allowed to do so. As you very clearly pointed out, the last names will be different.

Good luck with keeping the peace!

We have both scenarios in my family -- from the same family members. My Dad's bother had their two sons before I was born. Prior to the second son's birth, my Dad told his brother that if he and my Mom ever had son, he would be using his own name for the boy. But my uncle went ahead and used the name anyway for his second son. This caused some minor confusion over the years, as we all lived in the same town, and the three guys (my Dad, my Cousin and my Brother) had the same first AND last name.

On the other hand, when my Mom finally got pregnant, the same Aunt told my mother, "I plan on using the (girl) family name if I ever have a girl, so please do not use it." My Mom then had me and named me something else (which is very nice, of course!) However, my Mom spent some years resenting the fact that she was "told" to not use it...ESPECIALLY since my aunt never had any other children (and they had already poached my Dad's/brother's name.)

Having seen both sides of this issue, I knew I would always name my child whatever I wanted - regardless of what anyone else named theirs. And if they chose my favorite name first, so be it -- I would still use it. Unfortunately, you really can't do anything about what another person is dead-set on doing. It definitely did not break-up the family, as my Dad decided not to let it be an issue. My Uncle and Aunt are like my second parents, and my cousins were like my two older brothers. It will only be an issue if you or your husband let it be an issue -- it's your choice. I hope your husband's feelings can mend over time.

PS: I think some posters are being much too hard on your husband. Many men have strong feelings about sons, birth-rights and carrying on their own family name. Personally, I would not tell your husband he is wrong for having his feelings, that he is being a baby, or to "grow-up." This will not be productive and could hurt your own relationship with him. (None of us want to hear our husbands tell us to "grow-up" over things that are important to us!!) I think the best you can do is to let him know that you understand how he feels, but that you are really hoping that your children will be close to their cousins. Family is so important -- the more people we have loving our children, the stronger, healthier those children will be.

Hi Gail.
I totally see your husbands point. My girlfriend and i (we are both pregnant) were just talking about this. I agree with PP thatyou can't put dibs on names, but i see why your husband is also upset. Although I also agree with georgia because i too am greek and we name our boys after our fathers, so there is a good chance of having more than one boy with the same name as a cousin.

Good luck to you guys and tell your husband i feel for him!

I am sorry but I think your husband is being ridiculous and sounds like he is more jealous then anything. I have a twin brother who has our fathers name and I wouldnt think anything of it if I wanted to give my son the same name- it may even bring uncle and nephew closer together- having the same name- what a great gift! Perhaps talk to your sister in law and maybe she could get an ornament or a gift to uncle from the baby. good luck!

This is just my opinion, but, nobody owns a name! Period. Your husband needs to accept that fact. Anyone has a right to name their baby whatever they want to. To me, he is being petty. He does not have any ownership to a name.

Wasn't it George Foreman who names all of his son's George? Although quite confusing if I do say so myself, he thought so much of his name to share it with all of his offspring. Whether the name is passed onto your new Nephew and or your son needs to be looked on as flattering in order to stave off a horrible family rift.

I remember when I was young and so close to my cousin. It would have been awesome if we both had the same names because we surely shared the same heart. Maybe the two cousins one day will be so close as they had a name so admirable in common.........Your Husband's name :)

There are so many things these days that tear at the core of a family. Something like this, although understandably upsetting if given the chance, must be looked on as nothing but flattering so that it keeps the family unit together.

I am sure that once your Husband thinks this through he will see things the same way. Or.........you can do what Wife's do......be the neck that turns his head........LOL!

I wish you peace,
K.

Happened in my family...but I used the name first on my side of the family, brother and sister both commented how I am stealing all the family names before they have kids, I named my first after our grandmother. I see it the smae way you do...everyone can have that name, they will all have different last names! Who cares! My SIL named her son the name we chose for our son, again they have different last names.

I understand, to an extent, why your husband is angry - and if he has conveyed to his sister why he is upset, it's either a) - they are being competitive or b) they really have a terrific father and your husband truly values his namesake. Your sister in law's son will have a different last name and your husband will be able to name "his son" as a John Smith III, however, your husband REALLY needs to back off, because this will become a real family joke should he NEVER have a son! It's becoming one of those "what if?" arguments that he shouldn't lose sleep over. Good luck.

Names could become so territorial. Has your husband approached his sister? Would she be willing to only use it as a middle name? Does his sister live close? We have cousins who live in florida and I without thinking about it named our son the same exact name (first and middle name) as they already had. The last names are different. The older name sake feels very important that he has a little cousin "named after him". Actually the first name is just one we liked and the middle name is after my father. We have little nicknames for them that we use only when we are together so they know who we are talking to. I is a little self centered of your sister-in-law to not consider her brother would use the name, but we also don't have any claims on the names, especially if you aren't even pregnant. It would be a whole different animal if you were also pregnant with a boy. Then I would definitely say you got dibs. It is a shame that this would cause such a rift among your family. It really doesn't have to be that way.

In ONE family..all the SAME last name. There is a LOUIS CHESTER, LOUIS AUGUST, LOUIS JOSEPH, Louis Joseph jr., JOSEPH FRANCIS, and JOSEPH LOUIS. Hope the D.M.V. and S.S. people have fun.. We do. :)

Dear Gail
My sister-in law was upset that we 'stole' my mother-in-laws name for our daughter's middle name,but,she wound up with three more boys and her mother's name would not have been used this generation if my daughter didn't have it.I have 76 cousins so you know not everyone has a name that isn't repeated.There is nothing wrong with cousins having the same first name.Encourage your husband.Good luck-L.

In many cultures it is traditional to name the first boy and girl after the husbands parents. I am Italian and my dad had 4 brothers all with children named after the grandparents. When we all got together we would just make up nicknames for each child. It was fun and funny and we weren't all together that much. It's really not a big deal to have two of the same name, it's an honor for his father. She wants to honor the fathers name too and keep it going in her family. Hopefully your husband can see this point of view. It's not stealing if it is your family name. She should be entitled to it too. Hope you can get past this. It's really a wonderful thing that everyone feels so strongly about the name and that's when you can say family is most important. Also she is definitely having a boy, it's not for sure tthat you would even have a boy if you get pregnant, if the name wasn't used it would be lost.

Honestly, he can get angry all he wants but he can't call "dibs" on a name. If a rift is caused in the family, it will be his doing because he is being immature about his sister using the name. I think he also needs to understand that he may not have a son. He (nor you) can predict the future. Is his sister not supposed to use his/Fil's name because he could *potentially* have a son? I think that is a little silly.

I recently had a friend who had this same issue happen over a name. She had never told her sister-in-law (the "name stealer") that she wanted to use the name for a future child. She is also not even pregnant. I flat out told her that although I was sorry this had happened, there is nothing she can do about it now.

My friend and your husband both still have the option to use their favorite name of choice! No one has dibs! His sister may get annoyed if he uses the same as she did, but tough cookies. Since he has forwarned her, she should already know that her future nephew may have the same name as her son.

Of couse this is all a big IF too. What if your SIL changes her mind?

You make a great point, that you haven't even had your next baby yet and it may not even be a boy. Additonally, it is his sister's right to honor her father's name too. She can't help it if she came out a girl! It's not worth it to waste the energy getting angry about something when you don't have a son on the way yet anyway. Even so, my son is named after my father-in-law too and so is my sister-in-law's son (hers came first too). At first it bothered me, but then I realized that in the grand scheme of things, it' really not such a big deal. I don't care what people think. So what if there are two grandsons with the same first name anyway? After all maybe we'll increase the odds that there will be more with that name in the next generation! Also, maybe ask your husband why it bothers him so much? Are there other underlying issues with his sister? Just a thought.

Good luck.

The same thing happened to me with a family member. I was so angry for soo long until i had my child then i named him the same anyway. When speaking of the other boy i always referred to him as j.t. (IT COUGHT ON EVEN THOUGH THE PARENTS DIDN'T CAARE FOR IT). oH WELL!!

Hi Gail,
See if your sister-in-law would be willing to use the name as a middle name. They can still call the baby by his middle name, it's just the placement on the Birth Certificate (ie: James William on cert., but everyone will call him William). I have 2 friends that do that; it's very common in the South. Perhaps that will appease both sides. She will still be honoring her Father, while keeping the option open for you to have the Jr.