Husband's Socialization with Friends

Just tell him he can have as many outings as you do! If he wants to watch the little one so you can go out, then he can do the same!

This is an interesting strand. I think once a week is good but also, should be mutual. If he goes to a concert with friends, you should go to a movie another day, that sort of thing. Two small points: Do not use your "free" night to get that late night Meijers shopping done. Take the time for you and only you. Second small point: It is really easy to get into a rut of tag-teaming your kids because your spouse is always the best "babysitter." It is important to have a weekly (or at least regular) date, even if it is a quick dinner out. The little bit of time together usually results in him not wanting to hang out with his friends so much as you - his best friend. Oh, and finally, when I was six/seven months pregnant with a nearly two year old in tow, EVERYTHING was fraught with emotion and panic and stress. I would suspend any ongoing debate for the next few months whenever possible.

You didn't say how much he is going out? I think 1-2 times a week is enough. Make sure you get your outings also. With 2 kids, he may have to cut back. Let him invite his friends over to the house. K.

Hi K.,

If your husband thinks that he doesn't get to do anything, tell him that from now on you think you should take turns going out. When he is home with a baby and soon two, he may appreciate the work you do taking care of the children.
I think that an outing with his friends once every two weeks is OK. IF he doesn't think that's enough, remind him that he is not a bachelor anymore.

We really don't have a "set" schedule for me time, but its probably about once a week, sometimes he goes out a little more often. He does every other Thursday night poker with the guys, we have a partial season ticket for the Tigers and sometimes he goes with the guys, an occasional Friday morning half day at work to golf, and always gets to run "errands" (which is really an excuse to go to Home Depot or other testosterone driven shopping) on a weekend during nap time. To balance it out, I get to sleep in most weekend morning and go with my friends when I want/can...

In reality, when my son was very little, once a week felt like a lot. Now that he is a bit bigger, once a week feels fine. I have a feeling if we ever get around to having another we will go through the same thing... I think it depends on the couple - and is more what feels comfortable for you, then what works for everyone else!

I agree with Lisa C, one a week for each of you to have a "me time" outing is fair.

Well, my husband and I don't have a baby yet, but I was thinking no more than once a week, maybe even just once every other week. I asked my hubbie's opinion and he said, "every other week."

I would also say it could be more often (once a week) when the kids are a little older and easier to manage, but less often (once or twice a month) when the children are young and you're very busy caring for them. Also, you should hopefully have a chance to get out with your friends as well!

Even without kids, my husband and I don't typically have social nights out without each other more than once every other week (on average). This hasn't actually been an issue with us where we decided this, it's just that we enjoy spending time together and that's how it has worked out.

I think once a week is fair. Just make sure you get weekly time out of the house, as well.

My husband is in a fishing club so he fishes one evening a week in the summer months. That is pretty much his only regular outing. He doesnt come home from work that day- goes right from work to fishing.

He will go to a sporting event or to the bar to watch a sporting event maybe 10 times a year.

When you have your second child.. you will really need his help.. I hope he doesnt go too many places right when the new baby is born... You really need help with 2 kids..

I think once a week is ok, depending on the circumstances maybe more. Now some weeks maybe none, I don't think you have to go out at least once a week. Maybe you should be asking why your husband wants to go out so much, without you and/or the kids. I have been with my husband for 15yrs and married for 5, some weeks we go out a couple times together and alone and other weeks we are together all week long. It is a give and take and if he does want to understand you may have to ask yourself why.
Hope this helps - I am very open to letting my husband do what he wants and he is the same with me. We have a great relationship and we do things with our daughter outside the home at least 2/3 a week and a are with her at home doing things all the time. Good luck

...as much as you go out without him or the kids... It should be "even Steven" if you ask me. :o)

My husband and I have a great relationship. He goes golfing, and plays softball, and occasionally goes out after these outings with friends. I trust him and when I want to do something similar, he even encourages it. So, I would give him the benefit of the doubt unless he give you a reason not to trust him.

Good Luck!

Shelly

Hi K.,

I agree completely with all three Lisas! Once a week is plenty - as long as you both get the same opportunity to go out - and I hope that he'll be there to help you with this new baby.

If you're a stay-/work-at-home Mom, then you really need that time, too. Even if it's just window shopping for a couple hours alone or meeting a friend for coffee, you need that time away from the house and kid(s) to rejuvenate. Make sure that your hubby understands this (although they rarely do!) when you begin your negotiations! : )

Best of luck to you.

L.

My husband and I have been married for 33 years. He is an avid golfer and typically during the summer he plays about twice a week. He does go on a big golf trip every September and is gone for about 4 days. He hasn't always done this. When our kids were little, he golfed less/worked more and only started the 4 day thing about 15 years ago. He does occasionally go to a football game or golf tournament. He doesn't drink so I do not have that worry. I don't see why any married man with a family needs to go out to the bars, unless his wife is with him. I think BOTH of you should have some small social life outside of eachother and kids whether it's golf, a sporting event, coffee or lunch with a friend every now and then. How often does he want to do this? Every weekend and leave you at home with the kids? Weeknights at the bar with his friends? I wouldn't go for either of those. He says he doesn't get to "do anything". What does that mean. He has plenty to do with you and the little one and the one on the way. He should savor his family time now, as the littles grow up way too fast. Even though my husband wasn't excessive with his time away, he is kicking himself anyway now that our girls are grown and gone for playing golf only once a week while they were young. I would think that once a week would be appropriate (and generous)that if needed you could both have a little time to do something independent of eachother and the kids...I think that is healthy for a relationship. I think the nature of the activity is important. Golf, hunting, or sporting event w/ the guys is a good guy thing to do. They need good guy time, just as we need girltalk. Like I said before, though, the bar scene is NOT for married family men unless they are just stopping for a beer and food before or after the event. Negotiate separate social things and don't forget to "date" eachother...that's important too!

I think that the only "fair" happy medium is for him to get his spouse-free/kid-free outings with friends to participate in the activity of his choice the same number of times YOU get spouse-free/kid-free outings with YOUR friends to participate in the activity of YOUR choice. If he is going out with buddies to do...whatever it is he does...say once a week, he should be expected to step up and volunteer for kid-duty so you can have girl-time once a week. If he takes 2 nights week for himself, he should be willing to trade off 2 nights a week for you.

I think its less about how much HE gets to go out and more about whether he is willing to cover home-base in order to allow you the same privilege. This is the perspective my husband and I have and it has worked REALLY well in preventing any resentments and hard feelings. If I choose not to take advantage of the opportunity to go out (too tired, no one available, etc) that is my choice but as long as he is willing to afford me the same chance without whining and making me feel guilty, or hounding me about when I am going to be done and coming home, I am very willing to offer him the same courtesy.

If your husband is spending MORE time with his buddies in a week than he is spending with you and the kids, not counting work-time and sleep-time, then maybe you need to show him on paper how it looks. Sometimes guys need a visual reference. Make a table showing how many hours after work he spends focused on kid interaction and how many hours a week he spends with buddies and see who gets more of his time. This might also show you a perspective if he is in fact correct and "hardly" ever gets to do anything. I suspect, however, that the topic wouldn't be up for discussion if it were the exception and not the rule...?

Good luck and push for equity and balance, more so than pushing for him to not go out. If he is willing to give you equal opportunities and is willing to assure balance between time with family and time with friends, it seems like you guys can find that happy medium.