26 answers

Husband's New Female Co-worker.

My husband has a new female co-worker. He's an electrician and she has been hired as an apprentice- he has to train her 1 on 1. Apparently she's 18 and just graduated from high school. And they carpool together into the city to work to save money (an hour each way). I trust him but this whole situation just makes me feel so uncomfortable. Am I being unreasonable? I have tried talking to him about this but he just gets defensive and insists I'm being crazy and jealous.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

My husband just gave a good suggestion: have her over for dinner. Then you can get to know her and, after seeing them together, see if it's a gut feeling or just nerves. Perhaps his reaction to that will be telling too. All the best to you!

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You might consider that perhaps this 18 year old girl is equally uncomfortable with the hour spent not working and just riding in a car with your husband. Young teeneage girls are rarely gifted in the art of conversation.

You might also wish to consider that, just because you find your husband appealing does not mean he will be to anyone else. Furthermore those little annoying habits that everyone has, nervous habits, tongue clicking...whatever if you will, quickly become evident to someone in a car with him at least 10 hours a week.

Smile and remember why you trusted him enough to marry him:-)

4 moms found this helpful

How old is your Husband.......she probably thinks hes OLD!!! If your worried just feed him garlic and onions for dinner and let nature take its course in the morning. LOL

3 moms found this helpful

I used to be the only female in a shop of 50 men when I repaired computers in the Air Force. Frankly, I thought it was fabulous since guys are much, much easier to get along with, there's no cattiness and wondering about cheating, etc. The wives OTOH were terrible....is my husband doing this, is he doing that, what does he do all day, ugh. They just couldn't 'get' that a woman could work and not think about getting into their husbands pants all the time. An no, none of the men ever tried anything...they loved their wives and families and wouldn't jeopardize them. They knew I was married too.

I tried my darndest with socializing with the wives and making nice and realized at the end it just wasn't worth it since the wives were just catty and assumed that a man and a woman working together will just end up in some sexual escapade. And seeing by the responses below, you can see that's how most women seem to be wired.

Me, given my experiences working with men, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I would also stop the assumption that every time a male and female work together it will end badly. I'd also give your husband a little more trust. Just because they're opposite sex doesn't mean they're into each other.

3 moms found this helpful

I would invite her over for dinner. Creating an environment in which everyone is treated with compassion and humanity is the first step to your relaxing or seeing if your concerns are well founded.

This gives you a chance to get a sense of who she is/how they interact and to create a relation with her directly.

Don't worry, and do pay attention to what is really happening.

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You either trust your husband or you don't. I agree with the other poster who said womens brains are wired to assume the worst with male/female co-workers. I would take a guess that if she has gone into this business it's because she is smart and knows there is good money to be made when you become a journeyman and higher. This is not a female dominant trade so she's got to learn from someone. Be thankful your husband has such good standing with his company, especially in this economy.

2 moms found this helpful

Both my husband of 28 years (as of tomorrow!) and I have good friends of the opposite sex. We really DO trust each other, and that means that we don't doubt our spouse's dedication to our union.

I have also worked in a woodshop with quite a number of young, attractive guys, when I was a young, attractive woman. Only once in three years did I see an incident in which a new female employee put the moves on one of the married guys, and she was quickly uninvited parties and social gatherings. Most of my coworkers were unmarried, and they STILL weren't inclined to mess around.

I know that this probably won't be much comfort to you, just as you can't tell a child to stop fearing the dark. But it is usually anxiety about the unknown that grips us the worst, because our imaginations fill in the blanks with what we're afraid WE might do in similar circumstances. Or what all those celebs and politicians who hit the headlines apparently do at every available opportunity.

So I would suggest that you keep lines of communication open with your husb, get to know the young woman, and work with reality instead of your imagination.

Good luck. It will probably be all right.

2 moms found this helpful

Understandable. My experience tells me that a husband can cheat in a huge variety of situations, if they want to find a way to "connect" to other women, they will and almost never it is the first girl "at hand", rather another woman they have been "monitoring" for a while and had fantasies about. He did not choose to have this girl around, plus, an 18 y.o. girl is generally very blah and unappealing to navigated, sexually experienced man. if i were in you I would not build her up in his head, no talking about her, just plainly ignore her because sometimes our jealousy make our men think that we see in this other woman something we feel threathened by and makes them curious about them....what does my wife think this girl has over her? You don't want to instigate him to find out why you think this girl is a threath to your marriage.We just HAVE to trust our spouses...what else could we do anyway? And mind me, this advice is coming by somebody that has been betrayed. We just can't control all that happens around us...each of us makes choices everyday. I chose that feeling jealous is normal but acting jealous is undermining of my image and basically pointless. Best of luck to you, I am sure this girl is nothing, just don't give her importance to your hubby's eyes anymore.

2 moms found this helpful

Give her a break, she is young and trying to learn a trade. Most of the people in the trade she is learning are male. Some one has to train her, you husband was probably chosen because he's good at his job. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean that she's going to be after your husband. She would jeopardize her career.
Sounds to me like you husband is a nice guy who's trying to help out a young person looking to get into the profession. Has he ever given you reason not to trust him? Of course he's getting defensive, he's just doing his job and you are accusing him of cheating, or thinking about cheating. You are telling him you don't trust him, and he might have only the most harmless intentions and be doing the right thing. I'd be mad if my spouse questioned my fidelity with out good cause.
I agree with the person who said invite the girl over for dinner. Then you can get to know her. That will also let you see how she and your husband interact. I'm guessing the relationship is strictly a mentor type relationship.

2 moms found this helpful

If this was my husband I would feel a little strange. I know he would never do anything to harm our marriage.

Have her over for dinner. This way you can get to know her a little so you wont feel as upset. This can also curb any unrealistic ideas that may cloud your head as they are driving to work together.Also it will give her a chance to meet you and put a face to your name. If you have children they should be there also, so the entire picture of his happy family is shown.

I'd like to add that just because a girl is 18 doesn't mean she will be at all interested in your husband. She could be a sweet innocent girl. Not all 18 year olds are "girls gone wild" or school type girls in a porno movie.

2 moms found this helpful

I see either you are either extremely insecure or you do not trust your husband. Either one is your own issue to deal with. I would get defensive if my spouse tried talking to me about working with a male, especially if I had thought that I earned my spouses trust already. If you trust him like you say, then yes, you are being unreasonable.

1 mom found this helpful

Give your husband the benefit of the doubt, if you trust him. I can remember when I was 23 being an apprentice to a very nice looking and very nice "older" man while I was training to be a professional window washer....it was just work for me and made my day nicer that he was so great to get along with and talk to during the work day. Pray on it and ask God to give you clarity and comfort on the situation.

1 mom found this helpful

I know that this might not help much but I would feel the same way that you do. My husband and I have a rule that neither one of us will be alone with somebody of the opposite sex. This would make the carpooling thing tricky. We believe that if you never put yourself in the situation where something can happen, nothing ever will. A lot of really good people start to have feelings for someone else without planning on it. I would try to bring it up in a very calm respective manner again. Maybe try and get him to see how he would feel if the roles were reversed.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband just gave a good suggestion: have her over for dinner. Then you can get to know her and, after seeing them together, see if it's a gut feeling or just nerves. Perhaps his reaction to that will be telling too. All the best to you!

1 mom found this helpful

I wouldn't worry about it unless you have some reason to think your husband is the kind of guy who would take advantage of a young girl who works for him. I mean some guys are jerks, but most guys aren't going to get involved with a teenager. I would just let it go.

1 mom found this helpful

keep a very, very close eye on him. this is a tough one. Good luck to you!

Is not u is him he just dnt want to hear the true about how u feel.

If you trust him, then let it be.

If he's crazy defensive, maybe there's a reason?

I already two HUGE RED flags with this. The first he is getting defensive when you want to talk to him about how you are feeling and second he is calling you crazy. He is gaslighting you with the defensive stuff and name calling. He should be willing to sit and hear you out without getting pissy and resorting to name calling. If you aren't comfortable with this situation you have every right to let him know and he should be willing to work out something that makes you comfortable.
Since it looks like he is going to keep doing what he wants it is time to hear what he is doing. I suggest you go to your local Radio shack or online and research VAR(voice activated recorders). You can put it in his car somewhere he wont find it and this way you can hear what is going on during their carpooling.
To some this might sound over the top but clearly something is setting off SMc"s gut and since she is being treated badly while trying to talk to her husband about then she needs to take steps to find out if her gut is right or wrong.

I hope it is wrong and you can get your husband to change his mind about this carpooling.

You are not being unreasonable. Your feelings are your feelings. Him getting defensive doesn't help any. It would be so much better if he was able to listen to your concerns and ask what he could do to help put your mind at ease.

Personally, it would be worth it to me to spend the extra money to not carpool. I'd find some other way to cut back and make up that money. Yeah, people would call me crazy, but I'd rather be crazy and at peace with an intact marriage, than crazy from worry and trying to ignore my feelings -- not good for anyone.

"Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins has helped our marriage immensely! The subtitle is "Loving your marriage enough to protect it". I highly recommend it.

I like the ideas about getting to know her. However, that is no guarantee nothing will ever happen. The world is full of "best friend of the other spouse" affairs.

I chuckled at the idea of garlic and onions for dinner. Just make sure you eat the same thing so you don't notice! ;)

I feel for you and am praying for you.

Are you being unreasonable? Have you demanded he not carpool with her?
That would be unreasonable. If not, I would say speaking about your feelings is not unreasonable.
But I know it's a huge challenge to present them in a way that does not make a man feel defensive. You need to use "I" speak Like, "I feel a bit jealous that (insert name) gets to spend so much time alone with you, I miss that from when you and I first met." And leave it at that. We bombard our husbands with too much info sometimes.
It's so hard when you are having a lot of feelings of jealousy - they seem to take over and make someone imagine the most awful situations.
I know just how that feels - I have been in this situation before. And it's almost like you are just jealous that she gets to spend all this TIME alone with your husband (which you probably don't get to do - especially if you have young kids). Not that you think they'll have sex.
Your feelings are real.
Your feelings come from how much you love your husband.
They don't really have to do with trusting him, whether he's sneakiing around, etc.... They have to do with you. Because they are YOUR feelings.
Check out "The Work" by Byron Katie. Her books helped open my eyes to a lot of things.

I would not be ok with that either, again i understand it doesn't help. But it is not because i don't trust my husband, it is because I wouldn't trust an 18 year old. Their brains are not as developed as someone older and she might see your family and wish she had that and try something... If it were me i would try and just become freinds with this girl and then maybe talk about it with her. Find out If she has a boyfreind or maybe doesn't even like men... who knows. There could be a thousand reasons it won't happen but i would want to know her and then that would put me at ease.

Is there another lady who could train her? No, it is not helpful to your marriage. See if there is another alternative. God bless.

Straight talk-----
If you had to talk to him and you are uncomfortable, there's a big reason. For example,
he probably either has a "wandering" eye or has flirted/cheated before or you have a low self esteem of yourself or even maybe another type of marital problem. Being jealous and questioning him every day might just push him in the other direction. If you go to the job and bring them lunch or eat with them, even extend an invitation to HER and HER BOYFRIEND, it shows the both of them you are a confident, strong woman in a healthy marriage. The rest is up to them.

I believe it will become a bigger problem if some steps aren't taken now, because if you are like me you'll sit there and think about it all the time. I too have jealousy issues, I try not to but have fought with my partner before about not "opening the door or crossing the friendship line". I had tried to explain to him about "harmless flirting". I think any flirting should be off limits because it opens up a comfort level between a man and a woman and as they all say " things just happen". Although I do trust him, he is only human, and you never know what this girl will do or talk about or how she presents herself. So I would ask to get to know the girl, and trust me its all about respect. If he respects you he will understand that you just want to be comfortable with this. Either get to know her a bit or ask your husband to find a different way that they can both get to work. Also, since he is training, see how long this will last. Two hour daily car rides leave a lot of time to talk and get to know each other, so make sure you are comfortable with that. Don't let age fool you, I have always liked older men. Not grandfather old, but I can't find men my age with a head on their shoulders and goals similar to mine. I am 21 and my partner is 32. This situation may not be a big deal at all, completely innocent with nothing to worry about but if you have any gut feelings, honey go with them. They are almost always right.

Guys cheat when given the opportunity u r not acting crazy

my husband and i had the same problem,(even though he didn' agree)i voiced my concern and out of respect he stop carpooling with his female co-worker.i don't think you're being unreasonable,let your husband know that you do trust him,you would just feel better if they didn't carpool together,ask him to put himself in your shoes and if he would feel comfortable with it.

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