5 answers

Husband's Negative Attitude

my husband has such a negative attitude towards everything!!we have been together for 12 yrs. but i just can't accept the way he is & it still phases me when i hear him acting this way. it gets me so worked up!!the last thing that happened was my daughter & i were at the mall & was approached for her to try out w acting for commercials.so i told my husband and since it was in beverly hills (20mins.)it's too far.i'm not going to take her.you can take her if you want he says.so because it's out of his 1 mile radius he doesn't want to go.forget that this could be an oppt for his daughter or anything else though right...so we ended up going & we got a call back for her to have a follow up this friday.well she had a fieldtrip sch. w school this friday .so i tell dad they called and its for this fri.His response is, no she has a fieldtrip to go to on fri.i'm thinking.... yes she does but it's not like this oppt. happens everyday either.i feel she should go to appt. & see what becomes of it.so, he tells me to let her( our 6 yr. old) decide.it bugs me that i dont get any support from him. on this or any ideas that i have to perhaps help advance our family.i just dont get it!!! i know how he is... i've been w him for so many years.why is it that i get so upset w him??!!you know i've just really had enough lately. we have seperated at times before and gotten back together but it is always the same song.why do i keep going back to it??i deal w depression & i feel like he is the reason WHY!!when i leave i am happy but then i end up going back....we have 3 kids together.i have been really down lately & stressed out.i am fine when i am at work-people here would never know i get depressed but at home... i just want to sleep & be alone.any advise you ladies have to this situation would be helpful.i think im just so frustrated i just needed to vent some but also would like to know how others view this.

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More Answers

HI J.,
You've got a lot going on right now and sound very frustrated. I HIGHLY recommend getting professional help. As the daughter of a depressed mom, depression affects children in potentially devastating ways. Your husband is probably not the *cause* of your depression but being unhappy in a relationship certainly doesn't help. Start individual counseling and then, if you decide your marriage is worth working on, do some couples counseling. When we've been with someone for a long time, it is almost impossible to get out of a rut without outside help - from a trained, impartial person not just a friend or family member. If it feels like a huge expense, you can find good pre-licensed therapists (interns) who work at a reduced price. There are agencies all over the place - email me if you need help finding something.

Also - this is LA. As exciting as it is to have your daughter be approached for a commercial, it can happen again. Be REALLY careful that you're working with a legitimate agent, not someone who wants you to pay a whole lot of money for THEIR classes and THEIR photographer. I spent many years as an actress and commercials can make you a lot of money, but they also require a lot of time out of school, driving around town for auditions etc. You need to sit down and think about what your priorities are for your daughter. If you have any questions about the reputation of the agent, you might try calling the Screen Actors Guild for information. Do your research before you start spending money - there are SO many scams in this town - and so many legitimate agents/casting directors too.

If you have more questions, feel free to email me directly. Good luck with it all. And remember, you can't change your husband, you can only change the way you react to him/interact with him.

Dear J.,

I bet you must be feeling out of place and un-appreciated about now. Believe me I know exactly what you have been going through. I'm you and you are me.I have raised my other 2 who live else where. But my last one is all about her and I definitly understand. I've been 12 years old at one time. But to be treatyed by my mate isn't what I wanted either. No communication or if so it's just whatever. No real answers to what I would be asking. Then to control it to make it look I don't have a clue as to what I'm stating or feeling.
This is why your stressed and feeling depressed. Your not being validated for your efforts. Or what your contribute to the well being of what your child would like to do. I have been there and done that.

Maybe if you just do it there isn't a choice but a decission. You make on your own. I have done and it's a better situation for my stress level and my sanity.

I believe if you want to do it just do it then.
Your able to make up your own mind concerning your child.

M. L.

I am sure that you have tried counseling (for yourself, I don't think based on what you say that he'd be into it) but if not, give it a try. I suffer from depression and counseling, along with meds, really helped. Does your husband work a lot? Is he there for you in other ways? I am trying to figure out why you go back. Is it because of the kids? (Which I totally understand). You deserve to be happy. Maybe if you get some counseling you can figure out what is best for you in a safe environment. Good luck.

Dear J.,

I feel inadequate to help you except to say that you need to stop trying to change him. He probably has a condition that a lot of people have called Agoraphobia - 'fear of the marketplace'. My sister and I have it to a lessor degree, but we force ourselves to go outside our boundaries. He can't help it. He is probably also depressed, and by the way, that was a good idea he had about having your 6 year old daughter decide.

You need to let up on yourself and on him too, I bet the children are feeling tense too.

I have just had to go ahead and lead my own life when my husband will not cooperate. I don't gripe at him, I just try to respect his opinions, and sometimes he even agrees with me when I don't put a lot of pressure on him, he comes up with a happier attitude.

So, there you are, all I know. C. N.

I was in a very similar situation. My ex was always negative about anything I wanted to do.

Have you tried counseling yet? I would certainly suggest it as a first shot. I went with my ex, and eventually when he decided to quit, I went on my own. I also went to my doctor and got a prescription for antidepressants. While neither saved my marriage (it takes two to tango), it did help me to deal with everything, and make the decision to leave.

I still go to counseling one a month, and it really helps me to deal with my ex and moving on with my life.

You can often find free or low cost counseling through a church or your local hospital. If you're in the South Bay (LA) area, I can give you the info for the place I go.

Whatever you decide to do (go or stay), be sure to surround yourself with supportive friends and family. They can often be just the thing to keep you going when you can't deal with things on your own.

Kat

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