19 answers

Husband's Inappropriate "Friendship" with Another Woman

This is a subject I never thought I'd ever have to ask advice about. I've discovered my husband has been talking, texting, and emailing another woman. I believe she's a former coworker, someone from the state we used to live in. I suspected something a few weeks ago. He would get phone calls and leave the room, delete the record of the phone call, and has just not been as loving and affectionate as he used to be.
I found an email from her saying, " Hey handsome, when are you going to call me? I miss our calls. Kisses, ...."
He replied, " I also miss them, just haven't had any privacy. My wife walked in when I was going to call you. My shift at work just changed, so I'll be able to call you at night now."
I don't know if they've been intimate, but just the fact that he's hiding this from me shows me he knows it's wrong. He has some level of emotional connection with her, which to me is a betrayal. Obviously I'm devastated. I'm going to sit him down this weekend and bring this out. I'm willing to do counseling or whatever it takes if this marriage can be saved, but I don't know if he'll be willing to give up this girl. If he doesn't, we're through.
How will I deal with separation or divorce? I'm a stay at home mom, haven't worked in 5 yrs, finances are going to be tough.
Has anyone dealt with something like this before?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

First of all I want to thank all who took the time to respond. Your input really kept me sane. I didn't wait till the weekend to confront him, but did it the next day.
I started by asking my husband how he felt about our relationship, if he was happy, had any concerns, etc. He said everything was fine. I then asked him if he had anything to tell me, anything I should know about. He said no. I asked him if he had any female friends he talked with. “No.” I asked him, "Who's ---?" He responded, "A friend." I asked why he had never mentioned her to me and if there was anything going on with her. He shrugged and said she was just a friend. I said, "Hey, I know more is going on. I'm giving you a chance to come clean." Pretty much still denied it. I pulled out my computer and read verbatim the exchange I found.

That's when he knew there was no denying it. He said it was an innocent friendship but then they started to flirt and he said it was exciting but harmless. That's when I went off on him, told him how much he had hurt me and our relationship for his own selfish pleasure, how I couldn't trust him anymore and wasn't sure I wanted to be with him.

So fast forward about three hours of talking about our relationship and issues I wasn't even aware of, we decided to try out therapy to see if this could be salvaged. He called and told her he wouldn't be talking to her anymore. So that's basically it for now. We both realize we have a lot of work to do but think a 10-year marriage is worth it. He knows he's still on "probation" and he messed up and is doing everything he can to rectify it.

Featured Answers

I would say if she ends a text with, kisses. then more than likely they have been intimate. Sorry you're having to deal with this and I wish you the best in dealing with this.

6 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Personally, I would like to cut your husbands balls off, sigh, sorry.

I truly hope this works out the way you want it to.

Please keep us posted.


11 moms found this helpful

Something similar happened to my SIL but her ex had a full blown affair, physical and emotional, with a coworker. Once she found out about the situation, she was done. She wasn't willing to try to "save" the marriage (and I can't blame her) and he is still with the other woman so I am guessing he wasn't going to be on board for counseling. She was a stay-at-home mother for five years. She received spousal support for one year, child support, primary physical custody of the children and half of the assets (including his 401K) and he had to pay her attorney's fees. The only thing she didn't get that she wanted was for her ex to pay for her medical insurance. She went back to college (she had a degree already) and is finishing up now. She had a lot of financial assistance and child care provided by her parents (so if you have friends and family willing to help you out do not be embarrassed to accept what they offer). She also received counseling for herself and her children. She says the best advice she got was to hire an excellent attorney. Best of luck to you.

10 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hate to say it, but is sounds like an affair. Rather physically intimate or not, it's very intimate. If it were nothing more than friendship he would never hide it, but I think you know this from your post.
Whatever happens, you will be just fine. I hope you two can work it out, but if it doesn't remember how awesome you are. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and who doesn't see that about you.
Why wait until the weekend? Get some thoughts together (on paper helps) and confront him. I went through a divorce over 3 years ago and am now very happily married with a daughter. It will all work out for you, you'll see.

7 moms found this helpful

It breaks my heart to see so many people going through this right now. It must be something in the air. He's deffinately cheating and i cant believe you can wait until this weekend to say something. I let my husband have it the second i read an email from the little skank. I am currently going through all this. i am 37 weeks pregnant, just found out he cheated (his second time) a month or so ago. We seperated for 1 year the first time. He hasn't been living with my 2 girls and i for the last month and because its his second time cheating i am divorcing him. I am also a SAHM and since i am very pregnant can't work. He is still financially suporting me but only till i am able to get a job. I dont know what to tell you. If you guys are still in love and willing to work on things, go for it. But he has got to let that girl go. And trust will be an issue for the rest of your lives. Stay strong and if you need anything inbox me. Sorry... This really sucks.

7 moms found this helpful


It's Tuesday, don't wait, Mother's Day is Sunday, if he's gone, he's gone (physically or mentally), why should you be the punching bag? If he's just a disconnected husband, whose head has been turned for a while or NOT, call him on it and decide where you stand.....Don't wait, I wish you a positive outcome.....but tell you either way, it's still going to hurt.


6 moms found this helpful

Wow, I can't give you advice, but I just want to tell you how terribly sorry I am that you are going through this. I don't know where I would even begin if I found myself in your shoes. You come across very articulate in your email, even while expressing something very emotional, so I'm confident that you have skills that can be useful in the work force if it comes to that.

I hope this doesn't end in heartbreak, and when you approach him about it this weekend, be as rational as you were in this post (as opposed to yelling or something) and hopefully he will be honest and remorseful. I'm glad you have self-respect and aren't in denial and won't tolerate his behavior or "friendship."

6 moms found this helpful

How are you holding this in? How are you functioning? I would have laid it on him immediately! oh hell no he didn't. I am really sorry that you had to see those messages, but be glad that you did. Can you imagine being in the dark, and absolutely oblivious? No! Do not wait another day! You are better than that, you are worth more than that. You deserve better! Love yourself, and lose him!

6 moms found this helpful

TO HR - it is NOT ridiculous to call her! I did - I wasn't going to be a VICTIM - I TOOK CONTROL....I found out a ton of stuff from the "other woman".... and NO - I was not expecting her to tell me the steamy stuff - but I did get to find out WHAT he told her about our marriage....so before you start ridiculing others advice....THINK about WHY someone would TELL another - I was specific and told her I TOOK CONTROL!

I would not wait until the weekend to talk to him. I'd call him on the carpet RIGHT NOW...

If he thinks so little of you and your marriage that he can't have a conversation with another woman - then what he is doing is wrong. PERIOD.

I talk to my ex-fiance all the time - in front of my husband - I tell him I love him and my husband doesn't blink twice because he knows that my love for my Ex finace is not the same kind of love I have for him. however, I respect my husband NOT to hide from him.

I would call her - that's me - you can get the number from your cell phone company and call her - ask her what she thinks is going on...what she expects from it - if she tells him you talked - well....he may get pissed but OH WELL!!!

My exhusband started a relationship with another woman while we were overseas....I told him LEAVE NOW - go to her - the grass is NOT greener. He went and came back with his tail between his legs....needless to say - we didn't last much longer.

You CAN handle divorce and such - HE will HAVE to provide for you and the kids. So just tell him - great - you want her so bad - go - but you lose all of this and more....

DO NOT wait until the weekend. Call her. Then call him and tell him the cats out of the bag.

6 moms found this helpful

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