March 29, 2010,
A.F. asks from APO, AP on March 26, 2010
Husband Thinks He's Hurting Me in Sex
I keep telling my husband I want sex, I am almost 38 weeks pregnant. I am getting annoyed because we will only do it once and then he goes to bed and during that time is less then 5 minutes. I keep telling him he's not hurting me and if he did I would tell him if he hurt me. He keeps giving me the line "well I didn't know that." I have told him multiple times. I am tired of his excuses. He tells me I was really hot and sexy when I wasn't pregnant and said me being pregnant he doesn't see me as sexy anymore. I feel bad enough going from 150lbs to 220. I remember having a body that only weighed 120....but I don't feel pretty anymore, I feel fat and untouchable. and advice?
1 mom found this helpful
G.B. answers from Boise on March 26, 2010
Get a vibrator to tide you over until things go back to normal.
You are still beautiful. this is NOT your problem. This is your husband's problem.
4 moms found this helpful
K.G. answers from San Francisco on March 26, 2010
A lot of men are worried about hurting the baby, or they feel weird for doing it when they know their child is right there with you. Give him a little break. A full term pregnant lady probably ISN'T very sexy. He still loves you.
3 moms found this helpful
A.H. answers from Boston on March 27, 2010
Its tough when one of you wants sex and the other doesn't. I think him saying he doesn't want to hurt you is just an excuse, it sounds like he just doesn't want to. I know its hard to hear, and makes you feel unattractive, but try not to be too angry with him. Your body has changed so much in the last 9 months, its a lot to expect him to feel exactly the same about it. It doesn't make him a bad person. Assuming all men should find pregnant women sexy is unfair. Everyone has their own tastes.
If you are 38 weeks then you don't have long to go, and there's a good chance you won't want sex for a while after. Then your roles will be reversed. Just hang in there and remember your sex life will get back to normal in time. Enjoy your big pregnant belly, I miss mine sometimes. And remember, a little self gratification can go a long way!
1 mom found this helpful
N.H. answers from Pittsburgh on March 27, 2010
A lot of men seem to make a distinction between wife/mother vs. seductress/fukbunny and your pregnancy probably drives that point home. It is not that you are no longer attractive, it is more the issue of "respect" in his mind. Desire is a strange thing, and sexual interaction can take many forms other than intercourse. I am sure he still gets horney too. Maybe this is an opportunity to try different foms of foreplay and sex (like oral sex etc) that you guys haven't done much up to now... especially if this is your first baby and you still have privacy in your home. Once there are little kids running around you have to be more discreet.
1 mom found this helpful
W.M. answers from Nashville on March 27, 2010
What an awful thing for him to say to you! Does he forget who MADE you pregnant? Try, try to take care of those feelings yourself and let him see how it feels to NOT get any. I would also tell him that what he said was rude and that you did not get pregnant yourself and that he should respect you more because of having HIS child. I am so sorry he said that, I don't think he is afraid of hurting you, it sounds like that is his excuse. If he is afraid of hurting you, he should not say things to you such as you not being sexy anymore. I am sure you are beautiful and no matter what your body looks like now and after the pregnancy, you had a baby! What a miracle! Tell him to turn off the lights if he is such an immature little boy who can't handle the beauty of his wife's miracle. Next time you are at the doc, if your husband is there, ask the doc about the safety of intercourse while prego. Otherwise google it so your husband can see that it is perfectly safe. Good luck to you.
M.P. answers from Portland on March 29, 2010
I am 32 weeks along and my husband and arent being intimate right now. For us, its the fact that my husband invisions the baby being able to "see" "him" and feels like its damaging to the baby. My husband is a good man he just feels a bit creeped out that the baby moves, kicks, and squirms and he has felt this happen during sex. This all did happen during my first pregnancy too but all was immediately well after the baby was out. We were back to complete intimacy right after the drs ok at the 6 week check up. You are beautiful! Do not stop believing that. Your body is different now and will be different after the baby. You will be even sexier to your man once your baby gets here. Some men just have a hard time with the whole process. Good luck to you for a happy delivery.
D.F. answers from Boston on March 27, 2010
I think a lot of us felt this way when we were near the end. My husband never came near me either. After I had our last son he slipped and said pregnant women are not attractive at all. He did a lot of other things while i was pregnant to make me feel wonderful. He thought he also would hurt the baby but now I know that he really did not want to get that close. I knew he loved me like your loves you. I did make sure we hugged a lot because I like to be touched so he was good that way. Just hang in there!
A.B. answers from Charlotte on March 27, 2010
Congrats on your first baby! You're almost there! I saw your profile pic, and for what it's worth, you look gorgeous! Did you know some women have casts made of their pregnant bellies? Just type "pregnant belly cast" into a search engine to see what I mean.
I'm sorry, both for you and for your husband, that he isn't feeling "turned on" by your pregnancy. The other moms here seem very understanding of him and of the conflicting emotions going on - much wisdom. Remember that your hormones are fluctuating wildly and will be for some time after the birth, so that tends to make everything feel more intense than it would at other times. I love Amy H's comment that "a little self gratification goes a long way". For years, midwives have been advocating that, especially at the very end of pregnancies, to help bring on labor. (Don't worry, you can't force your baby to come before he or she is ready.)
Do you live on base? I'm wondering if there are groups of other new moms so you could get some support now, and after you have your baby. You might be interested in contacting La Leche League - and easy way to get to know a lot of other new mothers.
Good luck these last couple of weeks, and with your upcoming travels. Let us now how things are going!
S.W. answers from Denver on March 26, 2010
i felt that same way when i was pregnant i felt that i was fat and ugly but well my husband and friends and family made me feel better i don't know whats the matter is with him i know 100's of men that think pregnant woman are the sexyist thing well at least that is what everyone i know and people around me say and pregnant women glow so thats got an advantage anyway don't worry about that weight u most likely will lose it all if u are worried suck in your stomach in what u cant suck in is the weight u need to lose after the pregnancy and if u try it doesn't take long
J.V. answers from Allentown on March 26, 2010
Hang tough, honey it's almost over :). If it makes you feel any better, my husband told me once the belly started that "there's only room in the playground for one." and would not come near me.
I like Gailski's suggestion and comment.
It's hard towards the end to feel beautiful. Why don't you treat yourself to a pedicure - cuz I don't know about you, but my theory was "if I can't see it, I am not responsible for it" and remind yourself that something amazing is happening (your baby) and it will all change soon enough.
Besides, once the baby comes, it will be another, what - like 6 weeks before you can have intercourse again and let me tell you he will be chomping at the bit by then.
K.B. answers from Milwaukee on March 26, 2010
I guess I was the opposite, I did not want to be touched/have sex during pregnancy (even though I knew it would not hurt the baby or hubby would stop if I told him). Honestly you can not force hubby just like my hubby could not force me. All you can do is say how much you miss that physical connection with him, and hope that changes his mind. Keep the communication lines open and hope he does the same. Try to not take it personally, I know easier said then done, sounds like your husband is having a hard time with the change. Maybe have a romantic date or cook a nice meal with candles and so on to set the mood... do something he likes if romance is not his thing. Hope you get some more helpful things to try :)