27 answers

Husband Stays Out All Night. What to Do?

My husband is in the nightlife business and after almost 5 years of it, I've had enough. Let me start from the beginning: when we were first dating, he did not own a club. I knew he had plans to, but at the time, he was in home building. He still does build homes,but now he owns a club as well. He has 2 other partners. Well, I suppose it's safe to say he succumbed to the temptaion of the nightlife. I was already pregnant when he started going out EVERY night saying he had to work. That he had to be there. I tried to accept this, but he wouldn't comehome after it closed which is 2 am. Instead he'd stay out til 4 or 5 in the morning. There I was, pregnant and alone, and you know how those hormones are girls. I was crying all the time, stressed..I decided to leave and stay with my parents. After our son was born, he convinced me that he would change and that he didn't WANT the night life...that he wanted us. After about 4 mos, I moved back in with him. It's been 2 yrs since then, and altho he doesn't do it EVERY night like he did before, he still does it ocassionally. About once a month, sometimes twice a month. Sometimes he'll come home at 5, others not until the the afternoon. He never answers my calls while he's out. What if there was an emergency? I'm home alone with our kids. Both are under age 4. He always has an excuse. The fire marshall came by, he fell asleep and was too drunk to drive, he was afraid I'd yell,etc,etc. I've heard every excuse in the book. He is always so sorry the day after. Goes on about how he feel slike such a jerk, that he wants to change. wants to take antibuse medication so he can't drink. He's not an alcoholic but he blames his decisions on being drunk. He's too much of a coward to take responsibility. Sometimes he even blames me,saying that he feels unappreciated. PLEASE. I have so much animosity and resentment towards him now, that it is difficult for us to get along.It is difficult to show appreciation.
We fight about EVERYTHING. We don't hold hands, we don't look in love. I feel like we're just like the couple in that movie, The Story of Us with Brice Willis and Michelle Pfeifer. I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore although he claims up and down that he is still head over heels in love with me. He's a good provider. Pays all the bills. I don't work. He doesn't spend much time with me and the kids but then its probably best b/c I don't like for them to see us argue.
I really don't know what to do. Is he faithful? I don't know. I imagine he's not but he swears he is. But then agian, who really admits to being unfaithful anyway?
I have too much pride to look the other way. I am mortified that the people he works with feel sorry for me. I'm ashamed. I've gone from pleading with him. to hating him, to feeling numb. Everytime he walks out the door in the evening, I never know if he'll be back home that night. It's a trashy way to live and it makes me feel so dirty.
I love myself and my children too much to put them through this. Right now they are still young, but someday they'll catch on and I refuse for my son to treat his wife like this someday. Childhood affects who we are as adults no matter what people say. So what do I do?? Do I deal with it? Leave? Where do I go? Back to my parents? HOw do I survice? He put me in a position wher it would be difficult for me to leave. He has abandonment issues. His mom was an alcoholic and left when he was a little boy. He never met his real dad.
I've tried counseling already. He used it as leverage to go out. It didnt do a darn thing. He is one of those people that always thinks he's right and puts blame on others when things go wrong. I did love him at one time, but after all these years of dealing with this, I've become disgusted with him as a person.
As I'm writing this, he is out again. He says he'll be home my midnight. Yah right.
I'm so lonely. I see couples holding hands and kissing and it makes me so sad. I look at men in suits and the 1st thing I say to myself is, " i bet he spends every night in bed with his wife. what a lucky girl".
I need advice. Serious advice. Its affecting my self image and confidence. It's affecting my overall happiness. I'm usually a happy upbeat optimistic person. Now, people describe me as quiet and stand offish. It's all so sad and I'm at a loss of what to do.
I don't know who to talk to. If I had money, I'd be gone already. The only reason I'm still here is b/c he pays the bills.
After reading this, tell me if you think I should leave, or of I should stay. He is never going to change. There are the type of people out there, that could live with this. I'm not one of them. I demand respect...and I'm not getting it. And in turn, it makes me angry and resentful. And I have to literally force myself to be nice to him. Who does he think he is? He thinks he can walk all over me? He thinks he can have the life of a single man while still having the benefits of a wife and children?? I hate him for doing this to me and our children. I hate him! He wont be around tomorrow to come with me to take the kids to the park or anything. He'll be hungover and asleep. He misses out on so much. He had a hangover the day we decorated the tree and missed it all. His excuse is, "oh they're too young to even know its christmas". Who cares?! We're a family!
He sleeps in all the time. Does he EVER offer to wake up early with the kids so that I can sleep in? No. And when I ask, he says,"do you ever offer to pay a bill?". What kind of sense does that make?? It makes perfect sense to him. And I'm sick of it.
Thank you for letting me vent. If nothing else, at least I feel better. At least someone can hear me.
I guess I can look at the bright side: I'm not physically abused and we're not living on the streets. :/

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

A.,

First of all, let me tell you that I am SO SORRY to hear that you are in this situation. E-mail me at toi_hotmail.com, so that we can chat. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are!!

Hang in there honey....you will make it!!

T.

More Answers

No - you should not leave the family home. You need to systematically collect and put away a lot of cash over the next few months. I mean start filtering money like there is no tomorrow. Then while he is still living there you need to hire an attorney and file for full custody of the kids, the house with him paying spousal and child support, file for half of the business, half of all account, retirement and so on. On the day you know he will be served with divorce papers, as soon as he leaves for work have a lock smith change every lock on the house including the garage door opener. Pack the things that you want him to have at the moment and put them in boxes on the porch. Do not let him in the house once he is served. Let the divorce proceed from there.

Please make sure you have filtered enough money to survive for several months until a temporary hearing is set. Also, make sure you know every asset you two have together, separate and otherwise - you will need this in order to obtain half.

Good Luck,
R.

3 moms found this helpful

A.,
It sounds like you have a big heart, and you want to believe your husband. I think your husband would like to believe himself. Yes, he is most probably unfaithful, putting you at risk. He also is an alcoholic. Alanon may be an option for you, but... For you and your children you need to get out, even if you do love your husband. You need to fight your fear to make a healthy environment for yourself and your children. You say counseling didn't help, but I am guessing you were trying to "fix" things. Consider seeing someone just for you. Someone that will give you strength. I know women who never fought the fear. They stayed for financial security. They are bitter and regretful. Don't be one of them.
Surround yourself with supportive people. Shut out the negative. See a bright future without the loneliness.
I'll see it for you too!

2 moms found this helpful

A.,

You can't control him. You can only control yourself. Nobody can tell you exactly what to do. You will have to figure this out for yourself. However, I have a technique that will help you do it. It may sound unconventional. But I assure you it works. It is not just praying and asking God for help or answers. It is more than that. Here it is:

After the kids are in bed, or before they wake in the morning, sit quietly crossed legged style with a straight spine. Close your eyes. Breathe deep in and out through the nose. Shift your focus to your heart center. Feel your physical heart breathing in your chest. FEEL gratitude for your heart and the fact that it keeps you alive. FEEL gratitude for you children in your heart center. FEEL gratitude for you husband for the simple fact that he gave you lovely children and does pay the bills and allow you to spend time with them in your heart center. FEEL your gratitude growing into love in your heart center. Now FEEL yourself experiencing the kind of loving, attentive, emotionally and physically and financially supportive relationship that you've always dreamed about. Don't worry about who it is with. You can picture yourself having this too, but it is vitally important to generate the FEELING of this in your heart center. You feel warmth and a smile on your face as you FEEL gratitude for this loving relationship. Do this for as long as you can maintain focus. Repeat every night, or as often as possible.

The result will be either (a) your husband's vibration will begin to change to match yours and you will find this loving relationship with him or (b) your happiness vibration will lead you away from him and to someone else who will bring you the happiness you envision. Either way, you will achieve the happiness you feel yourself having in this exercise. Remember to focus on how you want to FEEL, not simply your thoughts.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

If you do not have skills, other than taking care of your children and household than it does put you in a venerable position.Take a step at a time, get useful out of your home, join a group that you can get imput about the situtation.Try to get a skill going, so that you yourself can get self esteem, do not look to him for that, as he said when you wanted him to take over the kid so you can sleep, when do you ever pay a bill? If you can work out of the house or on line, many opportunities there, and pay a bill once in a while, then you will fell like you have contributed. In other words. get another life going, and do not concentrated on his actions, beware of aids, and for some reason, when a woman in you position gets ignored and rejected, and she awakens up one day, and rises above it and knows that she cannot ask and ask for him to join in with the family life, and still nothing from him, when he sees that you are interested in other things that is changing for everyone. He needs it and you need it also. Plan you day to go out of the house with your children, let his miserable life continue, and rise above it and ignor it as much as possible. Do not continue to beg for attention for you and the kids.That is tiresome and he is paying the bills. Make your ownself happy do not rely on him to do it for you. Good luck and if he sees you different everyone will be different and it does help to include God for direction. He is a miracle worker!!

1 mom found this helpful

A.,

While there is alot to fix hear... i would be wise in what council you get from others. The world opinion would say to leave him... but their should be no option in yours and your husbands minds except to work it out.

First step....The movie Fireproof starting Kirk Cameran (sp) from the show Growing Pains. This movie will be on DVD towards the end of Jan. 2009, but it might be in a $1 movie now.

It will change your marriage... I promise. You and your husband should both see this together.

If you can not find it showing in your area buy it when it comes to DVD and along with buying the DVD buy two books that go with the movie called The Love Dare. You can get the books now... at Wal-mart, Sams, etc. You need two books because you and your husband will need a copy.

How ever foolish the book my seem the principles are truths than can teach you both to love each other unselfishly.

I ask both you and your husband to dare to take this 40 day challenge no matter how mad or unwilling you are to do it. Take it day by day and .... it's a short daily read and dare; nothing complicated.

Also go check out the Fire Proof website and read the reviews of the many marriages that it has saved already.

This movie is not a Hollywood fairy tale...it deals with real marriage issues and how to work both on yourself and your husband. And your husband will get the message without you having to nag.

Stop complaining and allow this process to work.... please let me know if i or my husband can personal help you both.

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/main.php Check out the trailers.....

L. B.
In Texas

1 mom found this helpful

I completely agree with Rhonda! You have so much time alone you can do the research and put the money away, If you parents are aware of the issues, have your mother be a signor on a saving account in one of your kids names....with your name no where on it...if you are on it will be community and that will blow that idea. Unless you for sure have somewhere safe to hide the cash. 2 businesses, the home building is probably not doing that great right now, but you could be entitled to 1/2 of his portion of the night club. Did you sign a pre-nump? Make him leave, and since you have never worked you should be able to get spousal support, and fight for ever dime you are entitled too!!!! Like Rhonda said, make a list of EVERYTHING and get your 1/2. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

I am probably old enough to be your Mom. Please mull over what I am going to say. Chances are he will leave you eventually. While he would be doing you a favor, you will be older and angry with yourself that he "waisted years of your life". But you will be even angrier at yourself because you allowed it to happen... and rightly so. It is said that the person whom settles for less, usually gets less than they settled for.

You need a plan. You can tell him that you want an allowance. List all the jobs that you do and what it would cost to replace you. Then agree on an amount. Tell him that if he loves you he should want you to feel like his partner rather than his employee or his child. It is unlikely that he will go for it, but it is amazing what you can get if you ask for it. Even if he doesn't, when you use cash, just start squirreling a little away each time. It adds up.

The junior colleges offer some great classes like being a medical assistant or a pharmacy tech. Professions that will always be necessary and you will be able to get your own health insurance. I have two friends that just went through the pharmacy tech program, if you take the second part you can work anywhere in the United States should you decide to move at some point. If he balks, play the game a little. Tell him that you love being a stay at home mom, but in a couple of years both the kids will be in school. (Stay calm and confident... like the woman he fell in love with in the first place). And tell him that you have come to realize that your discontentment is atleast partially because you feel like you may have lost some of yourself along the way. Like you laid a piece down somewhere after your first child was born and forgot where you put it. Take all responsibility of it on yourself. Keep it a little on the light side, but mostly stay grounded and calm, even if he starts to pull a power trip. Make sure he understands you need to do this for yourself. It is like you feel like something is missing. And explain how much better off you know the kids will be if you are more content. Tell him if you only work part time once you complete your course of study, you just know the entire family will be better off. If mama is happy, everybody is happy.

I imagine the Junior Colleges take credit cards, if not, start saving for next semester.

And yes sweetheart, he is being unfaithful to you. If he was really working, you would always be able to reach him on the land phone at the club. Anyone can say they are working while they are on there cell... and be miles from the place of business. And I am sure he believes he loves you. But true love is more about wanting to please the other person. Not what the other person gives us.

I am not a therapist, but it seems to me your husband needs counseling so he can resolve the abandonment issues. Until the child in him understands and believes that his mother leaving had nothing to do with him, it was all about her own issues, he will want to hang on to you as possession. If he really loved you, he would be spending more time with you. And what is his excuse for not spending more time with the kids? There isn't a good one.

Lastly, if all else fails, is your family in a position to help support you until the divorce is final? And I would think about hiring a private detective when you decide to go that route. By no means let him know anything has changed in your life until after you see a lawyer.

I wish you the best of luck. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, he is completely responsible for how he is treating you, but YOU are completely responsible for allowing it to go on.

From somebody who wishes she had been proactive years ago.

1 mom found this helpful

i wish i knew the answers....i am in a similar almost exact situation as i am sitting here waiting to hear from mine...probably at the bar. I have a 2 yr old girl and a 1 year old boy. We do not own a bar though so that is a big difference. He is a liar but our provider so if i ever try to call him out he does the same thing.... I PAY THE BILLS...i love him but at the same time i wish i had my own place, job, etc. I love our house and kids and i would never be able to provide for them on my own... i guess i'm no help to you at all... but it's good to feel that i'm not alone

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sure you have received all the advice you need so I just have some questions for you....do you want this to work? what does "we tried counseling" mean? how long? what do you mean "he will never change". TRUST ME I AM NOT NOT NOT TELLING YOU TO STAY WITH HIM. I have gone through something very similar and would love to get together with you for coffee, glass of wine or something. I think we could really have a lot to talk about. you can personally message me if you want to talk more.....I have gone through something very similar. we are together now and trying to work through it....i have seen a HUGE change in my husband...again, please do not take this as advice to stay together...i am very pro-marriage (arent we all!) :) but it needs to be healthy for everyone involved. I hope to meet you in person or email if you need/want to....stay strong, think of yourself and your kiddos.....

A.,
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone...I'm struggling with similiar issues with my husband, though i pay all the bills and have to deal with his selfishness...Example: I got the 3 kids to spend the night at their grandparents on Saturday night, so my husband & I could be together and did he show up at home after work?...nope...he wanted to party with his friends instead....I was crushed, but what should I expect....this has been his behavior for 5 yrs..party all night and give his family his 'leftover' time. I will say a prayer for you too! Stay strong GIRL as you figure out what to do! I'm currently trying to save what little $$ I can before making a decision.

~H. S.

He doesn't sound evil, just clueless and selfish right now. I'd suggest counseling in a BIG way - and if you have family nearby that can take you in if you need it, talk with them about it. He needs to accept the fact that he's not single anymore behaviour-wise - he's still acting like a boy and not a man (DON'T SAY THAT TO HIM!). Depending on how his family life was, he may not know how to be a dad - this isn't an excuse, it's a reason.

If he loves you and wants to make it work, go for counseling. You want to be happpy, and you want him to be happy, and you want your family to be whole. You don't want him to give up who he is, but to become MORE and you want to be more WITH him - that's where the focus needs to be.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear that you are in a situation like that. I will keep you in my prayers, pray for your heart, for you, for your children - I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to wake up each morning (or rather go to bed each night) feeling like your family is not a family (that it is you & the kids vs him). I pray that you find the solution that works best for you and your children!

Hey,
I would suggest going to Alanon. Even if he is not an alcoholic or doesn't admitt to being an alcoholic he is obviously addicted to this behavior. Alanon will give you the support of many other mothers dealing with problem behaviors like that in their families. I just started going when I discovered my boyfriend was an alcoholic not just a social drinker. But I believed all of the lies about only drinking 3 beers a night, etc, but I was alone night after night waiting for him to get home at 4 in the morning reaking of alcohol. Alanon has been really helpful for me.

There are three wonderful words that occur in the State of Texas- Maintenance & Child Support. He may be the sole provider but you are the apparent sole homemaker and from his behavior you described I would bet that any judge would rule in your favor.

You sound completely miserable and any child can feel that. They know you are not a happy mommy. It doesn't matter if he is in the room and you are fighting with him or if you are at the park with just the two of them... they know you are not happy.

Life is too short to be unhappy because you worry about the what ifs. Your most important job is to ensure those children have a happy home, a stable environment, and are not influenced by his lifestyle.

If you have parents that have supported you before, I'm sure they will do it again. I don't know of any parent that wants to see their children unhappy- no matter their age!! Talk to them in confidence and let them know how miserable you are and that you want your children to have a better life (And sometimes that life is not having material things, a big house, and fancy lifestyle-- but a caring, loving, happy home). Hopefully they will be understanding and help you care for your children while you try to find an income.

Luckily Maintenance (like alimony) can last up to 3 years, enough time to get you on your feet without being destitute.

Maybe you should try to start preparing for finding a job now. If you didn't go to college, start going to classes now, before you get a divorce. Whatever you do, start preparing for your exit strategy now. And find a GREAT lawyer!

Good luck!

A., I'm so sorry you're married to a narcistic creep -- been there, done that. I suggest you call your folks to ask for assistance (not total support) and contact a lawyer. The lawyer will be able to tell you how much, if any, he must pay to support you and the kids while separated. Get out of that situation as soon as possible...but, don't let him feel like he's "free" -- he's not, he has a wife and kids to support even if ya'll are separated. I put up with too much and now am not near the person I was before giving 11 years to an unappreciative liar and cheater. After so long and even with small children dependent upon him, your husband still treats you and your marriage like this? Honey, I'm sorry, he won't change and he SURE doesn't deserve you and the kids. Gather your supportive troops (family, friends, moms groups, church group, etc.) and begin the battle to get him out of your house, and ultimately, as far out of your life as possible!

A. -
maybe you should let your husband read your post and all these responses and then try the movie/book deal. I dated a DJ for a couple of years that had vested interest in the clubs he worked in as a promoter on his way to being an owner - but he is a very good man. I believed him to be faithful and in fact I think he is almost not drinking at all anymore. One difference - he was always reachable by text sometimes even call when he was working - it might have taken a few minutes if he was mixing or in an important meeting with an owner, but he would respond. The most important thing in any relationship especially one that involves nightlife is TRUST. He isn't giving you reasons to trust him and he needs to make you feel safe and comfortable with what he has chosen to do. All people doing what he does seem to stay out till 4 or 5 - they close, count money, see the place get cleaned up, have a wind-down drink with their buddies. He can however get home by 2:30-3AM maybe even earlier, if he wanted, especially as an owner with partners. There is alot of temptation out there as you well know and have had to cope with. He must instill trust in you - compromise his late nights out for some fatherly days in and quite possibly cut out the drinking. And if he is considering a drug to make him not drink he probably has a problem. . . they are handed their favorite way-too-strong drink all night. . . it's a tough gig. Do you ever go to the club with him? You could have a sitter and go so he can introduce you to people and maybe you can try and have fun with him in his atmosphere - dance with him or whatever. . perhaps this would really let you know what you're dealing with when you meet everyone, see how he acts, have a little adult fun together. create a memory of you there as well. . . - I know it is the last thing you want, but trying to make things work means concessions on both sides and trying to understand each other. Or at least scope out the enemy?
he has to make some concessions or you may have to make a tougher decision.
i really hope your situation is salvageable - you all deserve some help and happiness.

Leave.
god has your back, financially and emotionally. all u gotta do is pray and ask. dont forget about the word ALIMONY.

A., you know what you have to do. Please do it now no matter how difficult it may be. There are many resources out there for single moms, and you have found one of them right here. This man is an addict. This is toxic and will hurt you and your children much more than you can ever imagine. Please leave this man. Follow your instincts. You are your childrens only protector, and they need you to make the right decision right now. Please write me personally if you need to talk, and/or need anything.

Lots of good responses here. I think it's smart to protect yourself and your children by building up a stash of cash in case you need it. However, don't underestimate God's power to change and heal your marriage. A great movie to see is "Fireproof." It will give you a new perspective on what's possible.

While your life right now may not be ideal, life as a single mom is no walk in the park either. You need to investigate ALL your options, including ways to make your marriage and your home a happy place once again. That would certainly be the best thing for your children. Seek out Christian marriage counseling together and see what ideas they might offer. Pray to God for wisdom and guidance. And, as one person mentioned, focus on being grateful for the blessings in your life and focus on what you want, not what you don't want. What you focus on expands.

Good luck!

M.

A.,

First of all, let me tell you that I am SO SORRY to hear that you are in this situation. E-mail me at toi_hotmail.com, so that we can chat. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are!!

Hang in there honey....you will make it!!

T.

I think you already know what you need to do. You do not need to leave completely but you need to separate, to your parents if you need to, until he makes changes, and you need to be confident that he is making those changes. First of all, he needs to go to therapy. He may very well be an alcoholic. I had a friend who binged one day every three to six months and she was an alcoholic. She is a recovering alcoholic now, but I think that type of drinking is the hardest to get over. He needs to get out of that kind of job if he is serious about having children and having a positive influence on their lives.
I doubt that he will change. The only person you can change is yourself. What you are doing now is not working. For the sake of your children, you need to make a break soon. My ex was the same way and I kept telling myself he will get better. He was not as bad as what you are saying, and most of the time he was OK to me, but just extremely self centered and blamed me if he was unhappy. Now, years later, I found out that he had sexually abused my daughters when they were small. This type of person has no empathy and can not relate to how others feel no matter how hard you try to show him.
You do not deserve this kind of treatment and you are teaching your children that it is OK to be treated this way. Your children will be watching you and seeing how you deal with situations. They in turn internalize that kind of behavior.
There are a lot of organizations and people that are willing to help you. If you are not in a church, you need to find a good church, because they can give you the support you need too. Fellowship Church is a great church that has a lot of good programs.

No one deserves to be treated this way. I know it is scary, but he should support you even while you are separated, and if he doesn't hear the wake up call, then get a good family lawyer that will fight for your children's financial support.

Feeling right with yourself, with no more put downs, is worth any amount of suffering on your own. There ARE good guys out there.

I just read Rhonda's response and I believe you need to do just that. Being prepared is very important. The shock of the lock out and divorce papers may be just what he needs, but don't take him back too soon. He needs a lot of time to show you he has changed, so go ahead with Rhonda's plan and show him that you are more capable than he thinks. He will respect you for it, if he is serious about change. If he just throws a fit, then you made the right decision to divorce.

dump the guy. if you have supportive family, request their help. go to the local community college to inquire of their financial aid (stay away from loans) and what is your interest medical... two year nursing degrees... radiology... never know till you seek it out. leave the guy. you are allowing him this behavior by not saying good bye and do not return ever. women do not need men. after all who is it that takes care of us? us.. hang in there. it could be worse... could be living in iraq and not have any freedom.

I say get out now. Your kids are still small enough that it shouldn't make that much of a difference to them especially since he isn't there much. He is not going to change and it is not fair to you to stay. I can almost bet he is cheating. I was ask am I better off with him or without him. I think I know what your answer would be. Good luck and let us know what you do. I will pray for you and your family.

Let me start off by saying that I got angry just reading your post. Let me say next that I think you already have your answer. You said in your post many times and in many ways that you and your children deserve better. You should get out now before you lose the courage to do so. I am sorry I don't have a list of places to give you to go, but you can start by searching the internet for women in crisis shelters. Many of them will take you right away since you have children. Also, what about your parents? I am sure that if you shared what is going on with them they would certainly want to help you. No matter what your relationship is/was with your parents, I doubt that they want to see you suffering. Lastly, don't ever think that your husband's behavior is acceptable just because he's not physically abusing your and your not living in the streets. Many women rationalize substandard treatment from a spouse or significant other because they figure "well, it could be worse..." PLEASE break that terrible habit NOW, because all it will do is imprison you in your situation. It is absolutely NOT OK for him to treat you and your children in this manner. Get out now and perhaps he will see all he is losing and really change this time for the better. Sometimes people (husbands) take you forgranted when they think you'll always be there no matter what they do to you or how they treat you. If he sees you actively taking steps to move on with your life without him, that may be what it takes to bring him around. If you have access to the household money, just take the card/checkbook, go to the bank and get what you need to facilitate the leaving process. Other women may be able to give you better advice on that part, but by no means should you feel guilty about "taking money" from him. It's not his money, the money belongs to BOTH of you, so you have every right to get what you need for you and your children. PLEASE do not accept this treatment from him another day! Start planning on getting out and follow through as soon as possible. You and your children deserve a better, more stable life. Good Luck and God Bless You.

Honey, I'm probably old enough to be your grandma and it is clear to me this is no way to live. It appears you have parents who will help you. Go to them, get back on your feet, find a job, take care of yourself and give your kids at least one parent they can respect and look to as a role model. It will not be easy but you have people in your life who care about you and will help you. You are spending so much valuable energy on this problem with your husband that is has depleted you. You are a strong woman, you will make it through this. Every woman deserves a loving, kind, respectful relationship.
There is no doubt in my mind your husband is an alcoholic. He is acting like a child and he needs a very big wakeup call. Cut him loose and move on.

Honey, it's time to jump ship on this one. It seems you have two choices: Stay with him and learn to live with it or leave. I would have left a long time ago.

Please don't let finances affect your decision. He will have to pay child support and he will have to pay alimony for two years if you need it to get on your feet. You need to be talking with a Family Law Specialist.

A.,
I read your post and could almost hear the words coming out of my own mouth. I am/have been in your shoes.... The difference, I have been married for 31 years and for medical reasons am not able to work. My husband works and makes good money, but tends to blow it instead of paying the bills so I have that constant added stress on top of needing two surgeries and not having the money for it.
That aside, all I can tell you is it will be hard... the hardest thing you will EVER do, but girl, get the hell outta there! Go to a shelter, sell everything you can and move far away, stash money, clean out your bank account... whatever you need to do. It won't get any better and the more you tolerate, the longer you stay, the stronger the animosity and hatred become. I know you love your children and they deserve to see you in a healthy, happy relationship. Not miserable and feeling so low you could play hand ball with the curb.
There is always a way out, it may not be an easy road, but life is tough and when you have children you do what you must for their sake. I hope things truly work out for you and if you ever just want to vent or talk feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com

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