January 05, 2009,
A.S. asks from Dallas, TX on December 27, 2008
Husband Stays Out All Night. What to Do?
My husband is in the nightlife business and after almost 5 years of it, I've had enough. Let me start from the beginning: when we were first dating, he did not own a club. I knew he had plans to, but at the time, he was in home building. He still does build homes,but now he owns a club as well. He has 2 other partners. Well, I suppose it's safe to say he succumbed to the temptaion of the nightlife. I was already pregnant when he started going out EVERY night saying he had to work. That he had to be there. I tried to accept this, but he wouldn't comehome after it closed which is 2 am. Instead he'd stay out til 4 or 5 in the morning. There I was, pregnant and alone, and you know how those hormones are girls. I was crying all the time, stressed..I decided to leave and stay with my parents. After our son was born, he convinced me that he would change and that he didn't WANT the night life...that he wanted us. After about 4 mos, I moved back in with him. It's been 2 yrs since then, and altho he doesn't do it EVERY night like he did before, he still does it ocassionally. About once a month, sometimes twice a month. Sometimes he'll come home at 5, others not until the the afternoon. He never answers my calls while he's out. What if there was an emergency? I'm home alone with our kids. Both are under age 4. He always has an excuse. The fire marshall came by, he fell asleep and was too drunk to drive, he was afraid I'd yell,etc,etc. I've heard every excuse in the book. He is always so sorry the day after. Goes on about how he feel slike such a jerk, that he wants to change. wants to take antibuse medication so he can't drink. He's not an alcoholic but he blames his decisions on being drunk. He's too much of a coward to take responsibility. Sometimes he even blames me,saying that he feels unappreciated. PLEASE. I have so much animosity and resentment towards him now, that it is difficult for us to get along.It is difficult to show appreciation.
We fight about EVERYTHING. We don't hold hands, we don't look in love. I feel like we're just like the couple in that movie, The Story of Us with Brice Willis and Michelle Pfeifer. I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore although he claims up and down that he is still head over heels in love with me. He's a good provider. Pays all the bills. I don't work. He doesn't spend much time with me and the kids but then its probably best b/c I don't like for them to see us argue.
I really don't know what to do. Is he faithful? I don't know. I imagine he's not but he swears he is. But then agian, who really admits to being unfaithful anyway?
I have too much pride to look the other way. I am mortified that the people he works with feel sorry for me. I'm ashamed. I've gone from pleading with him. to hating him, to feeling numb. Everytime he walks out the door in the evening, I never know if he'll be back home that night. It's a trashy way to live and it makes me feel so dirty.
I love myself and my children too much to put them through this. Right now they are still young, but someday they'll catch on and I refuse for my son to treat his wife like this someday. Childhood affects who we are as adults no matter what people say. So what do I do?? Do I deal with it? Leave? Where do I go? Back to my parents? HOw do I survice? He put me in a position wher it would be difficult for me to leave. He has abandonment issues. His mom was an alcoholic and left when he was a little boy. He never met his real dad.
I've tried counseling already. He used it as leverage to go out. It didnt do a darn thing. He is one of those people that always thinks he's right and puts blame on others when things go wrong. I did love him at one time, but after all these years of dealing with this, I've become disgusted with him as a person.
As I'm writing this, he is out again. He says he'll be home my midnight. Yah right.
I'm so lonely. I see couples holding hands and kissing and it makes me so sad. I look at men in suits and the 1st thing I say to myself is, " i bet he spends every night in bed with his wife. what a lucky girl".
I need advice. Serious advice. Its affecting my self image and confidence. It's affecting my overall happiness. I'm usually a happy upbeat optimistic person. Now, people describe me as quiet and stand offish. It's all so sad and I'm at a loss of what to do.
I don't know who to talk to. If I had money, I'd be gone already. The only reason I'm still here is b/c he pays the bills.
After reading this, tell me if you think I should leave, or of I should stay. He is never going to change. There are the type of people out there, that could live with this. I'm not one of them. I demand respect...and I'm not getting it. And in turn, it makes me angry and resentful. And I have to literally force myself to be nice to him. Who does he think he is? He thinks he can walk all over me? He thinks he can have the life of a single man while still having the benefits of a wife and children?? I hate him for doing this to me and our children. I hate him! He wont be around tomorrow to come with me to take the kids to the park or anything. He'll be hungover and asleep. He misses out on so much. He had a hangover the day we decorated the tree and missed it all. His excuse is, "oh they're too young to even know its christmas". Who cares?! We're a family!
He sleeps in all the time. Does he EVER offer to wake up early with the kids so that I can sleep in? No. And when I ask, he says,"do you ever offer to pay a bill?". What kind of sense does that make?? It makes perfect sense to him. And I'm sick of it.
Thank you for letting me vent. If nothing else, at least I feel better. At least someone can hear me.
I guess I can look at the bright side: I'm not physically abused and we're not living on the streets. :/
T.D. answers from Dallas on December 29, 2008
First of all, let me tell you that I am SO SORRY to hear that you are in this situation. E-mail me at toi_hotmail.com, so that we can chat. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are!!
Hang in there honey....you will make it!!
R.V. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
No - you should not leave the family home. You need to systematically collect and put away a lot of cash over the next few months. I mean start filtering money like there is no tomorrow. Then while he is still living there you need to hire an attorney and file for full custody of the kids, the house with him paying spousal and child support, file for half of the business, half of all account, retirement and so on. On the day you know he will be served with divorce papers, as soon as he leaves for work have a lock smith change every lock on the house including the garage door opener. Pack the things that you want him to have at the moment and put them in boxes on the porch. Do not let him in the house once he is served. Let the divorce proceed from there.
Please make sure you have filtered enough money to survive for several months until a temporary hearing is set. Also, make sure you know every asset you two have together, separate and otherwise - you will need this in order to obtain half.
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P.W. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
It sounds like you have a big heart, and you want to believe your husband. I think your husband would like to believe himself. Yes, he is most probably unfaithful, putting you at risk. He also is an alcoholic. Alanon may be an option for you, but... For you and your children you need to get out, even if you do love your husband. You need to fight your fear to make a healthy environment for yourself and your children. You say counseling didn't help, but I am guessing you were trying to "fix" things. Consider seeing someone just for you. Someone that will give you strength. I know women who never fought the fear. They stayed for financial security. They are bitter and regretful. Don't be one of them.
Surround yourself with supportive people. Shut out the negative. See a bright future without the loneliness.
I'll see it for you too!
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J.S. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
You can't control him. You can only control yourself. Nobody can tell you exactly what to do. You will have to figure this out for yourself. However, I have a technique that will help you do it. It may sound unconventional. But I assure you it works. It is not just praying and asking God for help or answers. It is more than that. Here it is:
After the kids are in bed, or before they wake in the morning, sit quietly crossed legged style with a straight spine. Close your eyes. Breathe deep in and out through the nose. Shift your focus to your heart center. Feel your physical heart breathing in your chest. FEEL gratitude for your heart and the fact that it keeps you alive. FEEL gratitude for you children in your heart center. FEEL gratitude for you husband for the simple fact that he gave you lovely children and does pay the bills and allow you to spend time with them in your heart center. FEEL your gratitude growing into love in your heart center. Now FEEL yourself experiencing the kind of loving, attentive, emotionally and physically and financially supportive relationship that you've always dreamed about. Don't worry about who it is with. You can picture yourself having this too, but it is vitally important to generate the FEELING of this in your heart center. You feel warmth and a smile on your face as you FEEL gratitude for this loving relationship. Do this for as long as you can maintain focus. Repeat every night, or as often as possible.
The result will be either (a) your husband's vibration will begin to change to match yours and you will find this loving relationship with him or (b) your happiness vibration will lead you away from him and to someone else who will bring you the happiness you envision. Either way, you will achieve the happiness you feel yourself having in this exercise. Remember to focus on how you want to FEEL, not simply your thoughts.
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C.G. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
If you do not have skills, other than taking care of your children and household than it does put you in a venerable position.Take a step at a time, get useful out of your home, join a group that you can get imput about the situtation.Try to get a skill going, so that you yourself can get self esteem, do not look to him for that, as he said when you wanted him to take over the kid so you can sleep, when do you ever pay a bill? If you can work out of the house or on line, many opportunities there, and pay a bill once in a while, then you will fell like you have contributed. In other words. get another life going, and do not concentrated on his actions, beware of aids, and for some reason, when a woman in you position gets ignored and rejected, and she awakens up one day, and rises above it and knows that she cannot ask and ask for him to join in with the family life, and still nothing from him, when he sees that you are interested in other things that is changing for everyone. He needs it and you need it also. Plan you day to go out of the house with your children, let his miserable life continue, and rise above it and ignor it as much as possible. Do not continue to beg for attention for you and the kids.That is tiresome and he is paying the bills. Make your ownself happy do not rely on him to do it for you. Good luck and if he sees you different everyone will be different and it does help to include God for direction. He is a miracle worker!!
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L.B. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
While there is alot to fix hear... i would be wise in what council you get from others. The world opinion would say to leave him... but their should be no option in yours and your husbands minds except to work it out.
First step....The movie Fireproof starting Kirk Cameran (sp) from the show Growing Pains. This movie will be on DVD towards the end of Jan. 2009, but it might be in a $1 movie now.
It will change your marriage... I promise. You and your husband should both see this together.
If you can not find it showing in your area buy it when it comes to DVD and along with buying the DVD buy two books that go with the movie called The Love Dare. You can get the books now... at Wal-mart, Sams, etc. You need two books because you and your husband will need a copy.
How ever foolish the book my seem the principles are truths than can teach you both to love each other unselfishly.
I ask both you and your husband to dare to take this 40 day challenge no matter how mad or unwilling you are to do it. Take it day by day and .... it's a short daily read and dare; nothing complicated.
Also go check out the Fire Proof website and read the reviews of the many marriages that it has saved already.
This movie is not a Hollywood fairy tale...it deals with real marriage issues and how to work both on yourself and your husband. And your husband will get the message without you having to nag.
Stop complaining and allow this process to work.... please let me know if i or my husband can personal help you both.
http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/main.php Check out the trailers.....
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M.M. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
I completely agree with Rhonda! You have so much time alone you can do the research and put the money away, If you parents are aware of the issues, have your mother be a signor on a saving account in one of your kids names....with your name no where on it...if you are on it will be community and that will blow that idea. Unless you for sure have somewhere safe to hide the cash. 2 businesses, the home building is probably not doing that great right now, but you could be entitled to 1/2 of his portion of the night club. Did you sign a pre-nump? Make him leave, and since you have never worked you should be able to get spousal support, and fight for ever dime you are entitled too!!!! Like Rhonda said, make a list of EVERYTHING and get your 1/2. Good luck
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R.G. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
I am probably old enough to be your Mom. Please mull over what I am going to say. Chances are he will leave you eventually. While he would be doing you a favor, you will be older and angry with yourself that he "waisted years of your life". But you will be even angrier at yourself because you allowed it to happen... and rightly so. It is said that the person whom settles for less, usually gets less than they settled for.
You need a plan. You can tell him that you want an allowance. List all the jobs that you do and what it would cost to replace you. Then agree on an amount. Tell him that if he loves you he should want you to feel like his partner rather than his employee or his child. It is unlikely that he will go for it, but it is amazing what you can get if you ask for it. Even if he doesn't, when you use cash, just start squirreling a little away each time. It adds up.
The junior colleges offer some great classes like being a medical assistant or a pharmacy tech. Professions that will always be necessary and you will be able to get your own health insurance. I have two friends that just went through the pharmacy tech program, if you take the second part you can work anywhere in the United States should you decide to move at some point. If he balks, play the game a little. Tell him that you love being a stay at home mom, but in a couple of years both the kids will be in school. (Stay calm and confident... like the woman he fell in love with in the first place). And tell him that you have come to realize that your discontentment is atleast partially because you feel like you may have lost some of yourself along the way. Like you laid a piece down somewhere after your first child was born and forgot where you put it. Take all responsibility of it on yourself. Keep it a little on the light side, but mostly stay grounded and calm, even if he starts to pull a power trip. Make sure he understands you need to do this for yourself. It is like you feel like something is missing. And explain how much better off you know the kids will be if you are more content. Tell him if you only work part time once you complete your course of study, you just know the entire family will be better off. If mama is happy, everybody is happy.
I imagine the Junior Colleges take credit cards, if not, start saving for next semester.
And yes sweetheart, he is being unfaithful to you. If he was really working, you would always be able to reach him on the land phone at the club. Anyone can say they are working while they are on there cell... and be miles from the place of business. And I am sure he believes he loves you. But true love is more about wanting to please the other person. Not what the other person gives us.
I am not a therapist, but it seems to me your husband needs counseling so he can resolve the abandonment issues. Until the child in him understands and believes that his mother leaving had nothing to do with him, it was all about her own issues, he will want to hang on to you as possession. If he really loved you, he would be spending more time with you. And what is his excuse for not spending more time with the kids? There isn't a good one.
Lastly, if all else fails, is your family in a position to help support you until the divorce is final? And I would think about hiring a private detective when you decide to go that route. By no means let him know anything has changed in your life until after you see a lawyer.
I wish you the best of luck. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, he is completely responsible for how he is treating you, but YOU are completely responsible for allowing it to go on.
From somebody who wishes she had been proactive years ago.
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K.S. answers from Dallas on December 28, 2008
i wish i knew the answers....i am in a similar almost exact situation as i am sitting here waiting to hear from mine...probably at the bar. I have a 2 yr old girl and a 1 year old boy. We do not own a bar though so that is a big difference. He is a liar but our provider so if i ever try to call him out he does the same thing.... I PAY THE BILLS...i love him but at the same time i wish i had my own place, job, etc. I love our house and kids and i would never be able to provide for them on my own... i guess i'm no help to you at all... but it's good to feel that i'm not alone
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