February 06, 2010,
L.A. asks from Farmington, MI on January 23, 2009
Husband Sought Old Girlfriend on Facebook
I need to know if I am being irrational here. My husband of nearly 20 years has suddenly discovered Facebook (and is now on it daily!) and sought out/found an old girlfriend (before me). I am upset that he has added her to his "friends" list because, after 20+ years, why do you now need daily contact with her? I read the messages that they sent and he admitted to her that he was so "totally in love with her", although he did share with her that he is now happily married. She wrote about how well he writes, and he encouraged her to write back more (lengthy emails). Am I out of whack to be totally incensed by this? If the tables were turned, and I were writing an old boyfriend, I would hope that he would get angry about it. He thinks I am being totally immature and irrational. I feel hurt and betrayed.
B.J. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
L., marriage is sometime harsh, I like to think of this situation as an old car, you like to drive the car, but the window's stick, sometimes it won't start, the air does'nt always work. Now think of your husband, after 20 yr he thinks this is fine, what next. Soon you'll be putting up with much more than just e-mails, stick to your guns and do not put up with this, tell him you could go to the dealer and buy a 2009. Best of luck, & hope this helps.
H.H. answers from Detroit on January 23, 2009
I do not think you are irrational at all. I have been on facebook but am no longer on due to all the costly viruses my computer contracted from that site. I can understand if they became 'friends' but anything more than a 'hi, hope life has treated you well' I think is really enough. Anyone can get on that site and find ex-loves or old friends...my god I found people from the street I grew up on! However, I have heard about these type circumstances like your husbands and I ask myself...why does he care after all these years what happened to her or how he once felt about her? I mean really...why does one care what happened to those that were part of our lives so long ago and what became of their lives? I guess in reality it is just human nature to look and see and I am sure your husband is not alone in any regard when it is put into this context. He did tell her that he was happily married so I would think that this is likely harmless. I too would have hurt feelings though especially after 20 years of what I am sure has been being a dedicated wife devoted to him and the children you share together!
T.D. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
Hi L., I think that if your husband found a friend on FB that isnt such a bad thing. Even if its his old girlfriend. I am married and have found some friends from elementary school on there. They may just be catching up. If he were honest with her and you about the ex he isnt trying to hide anything. I dont think you should be worried about anything and you shouldnt think that he is going on FB just to talk to her. He may just be looking on there to see who else he can find. Also you may be a little bit uncomfortable because of the lack of whatever it is/or isnt in between the two of you. The last thing you want to do is nag him about it, then he starts to sneak on there talking to people about it. Think about it. And as far as you and the hubby if you dont mind me offering. Plan a night for you two to get away. If only for a couple of hours. Or plan a romantic night at home. Tire the kids out put them to bed early and have a good night with your hubby. Hope this helps and remember if it is innocent you dont want to make it turn it into something it isnt by accusing him of it. And dont break into his FB account if he doesnt give you the permission to go in it. I am always here if you need to talk...Be blessed and make a wise decision....
K.S. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
This is interesting to me...I have a facebook account and my husband doesn't but I haven't reconnected with any old flames. Are you familiar with facebook at all? It is a wide-open book for the most part. Everyone can read everything about people. If I were in your position, I would create a facebook account myself and link up to your husbands account so it shows you're married etc. Then request to be this woman's friend on there and befriend her. You know they say keep your friends close, your enemies closer? I am a believer. If she is your "facebook friend" then less likely for her to have an inappropriate friendship with your husband, unless she's just an awful person all together. I would try not to freak out too much about it, you have to trust your husband. If you forbid him to communicate with her then its just going to make him want to communicate with her more and turn this all into a bigger deal then it needs to be. Men are simple minded - he probably just enjoys the attention, try to give him more attention yourself if you can. I hope this helps.
P.K. answers from Detroit on January 25, 2009
I think a lot of people use FB for the purpose of reconnecting with former classmates (kind of like unofficial reunions) and don't necessarily think it's that odd for an old flame to be among those someone might connect with. However, the "totally in love with her" conversation is questionable, and it sounds as though they're doing a lot of private messaging, as opposed to just writing on each other's walls, etc.
I think it's probably reasonable for him be friends with her on FB, but maybe you could ask that he keep the private messaging to a minimum. Beyond the initial "catching up" with someone, I rarely use the private message feature. Most of what you want to say can be public...comments written on each others' walls or comments on status updates and photos, etc. If you get your own account and befriend your husband, you'll be able to see all those comments.
F.W. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
No, your feelings are not irrational. In fact, you seem quite rational and realistic. However, you can use this as a wake-up call that your marriage needs some attention. Figure out what you can do, don't focus on the facebook page, as that will only make him want to hang onto it more, and besides, that is just a symptom and not the issue itself. Spice up the marraige and I bet facebook will disappear.
E.M. answers from Detroit on January 23, 2009
this is tough...
I think it depends on the person and the situation, but this does not sound healthy.
The fact that he said he was totally in love with her raises some red flags for me.
You need to sit down and discuss this and figure out why he is seeking her out - perhaps he is missing something in his life, etc. Perhaps he needs a bit more encouragement to make him feel better - when was the last time you complimented him? I find that my hubby needs these pick me ups just as much as I do.
Facebook is tricky, on one had I love it and on the other it can be too much.
K.H. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
You're not irrational. He needs to cut it out. Facebook is addicting. His actions are disrespectful and hurtful. He should remve her as a "freind".
S.K. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
You are not out of whack! He is looking for something to make him feel better about himself. You are in a rut, and he feels disconnected. He wants to be connected to someone again. I have been on his side of things, believe me. It is probably not that he is still in love with her, he just is not feeling in love with you right now! If you want to keep your marriage together, you need to talk to him about it rationally, and go see a counselor together. You both need to be into trying to make it work. If you let it go, you may lose your marriage! I wouldn't be mad about it yet, it's not that he wants to hurt you, he feels like you have lost the love between you. If you work on it together, you can probably get it back. If you really think about it seriously, you are probably feeling the same way! You just aren't seeking out someone of the opposite sex to fill the void. Like I said, I have been in this situation, I have been in your husband's shoes, and almost lost my husband. But we are doing great now, still after over a year. If it's worth fighting for, fight for it! He misses the way you were!!!! I can almost guarantee it! He won't admit it till he really thinks about the thought of losing you.
J.G. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
My husband also has an account, but we claim it as 'ours' because I am the one who doesn't want to be sought out by my past! My current friends are on there, as friends of his- but anyone who doesn't know my married name won't know I'm on there! So since we share, we both have access to the page.
That being said, an ex tried to add my mom as a friend. She denied the invitation! As the one post said- it just wouldn't be healthy to open those doors back up. They were closed for a reason.
J.W. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
When my husband and I set up FB accounts, we made a rule: No "friending" ex's or anyone we had been intimate with at any time. The reason being that it is disresepectful to the other spouse and it's a slippery slope to travel down. His comment to her that he "was totally in love with her" is highly innappropriate and disrespectful to you, regardless of whether those feelings are in the past or not.
He can delete her as a friend and she will not be notified, she will just no longer have access to his profile. However, I don't think it will effect her ability to send him private messages. FB has good privacy controls which allow him to apply settings on many of the applications on FB from allowing anyone to see them all the way to not being able to have anyone find you.
I agree with another poster that if it's not a big deal to him, then it should not be a big deal for him to cut it out. If he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, allow him to send her a message explaining that it's not personal, it's just not appropriate. Also remind him that it is your feelings, not hers, he should be concerned with.
E.A. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
Talk to your husband about it. You seem to know a lot about the situation, though, so his openness about it might indicate that his motives are innocent. He did say he was "happily married" and you don't write anything to dispute that. Start a conversation with him about it! Maybe you could even start it in terms of whether it would be a site he'd want your kids on.
Facebook is a dilemma close to my heart: Despite much pressure from my sister, best friend, acquaintances, I am not on Facebook for a lot of the reasons you list here. I agree with Sharon's response: it's not healthy to want to revisit the past on a daily basis.
Having said that, I wanted to be on Facebook for quite some time, but never joined because my husband very strongly dislikes social networking sites and I respect his opinion. We discussed the pros and cons long and hard and after mulling it over and examining my own motives, I realized that joining Facebook wouldn't be healthy for me. Basically, I would only join it to look for people I used to know: ex-boyfriends, former college friends I no longer communicate with, etc. Why do I need to communicate with these people? I have regular personal relationships with the people I want to be close to: my sister in Illinois, a former co-worker in St. Louis, my best friend in Seattle. I don't need to peek in on the lives of people I graduated high school with. I would probably spend way too much time on it and end up feeling disloyal to my husband for revisiting (at least in my mind) past relationships and I would feel like I had to compare my life, happiness, relationship, kids, achievements to other people (permanent high school reunion!). Not to mention I don't want my life to be that public! But that's just my personality. And maybe your husband hasn't even thought of his Facebook membership that way. Perhaps he is just reliving some of the glory days when he was young and carefree (kids sometimes make you long for the days when you could sleep until noon and didn't have to worry about anyone but yourself). Your husband broke up with his ex-girlfriend for a reason, and ended up with you, "happily married." You have looked at his Facebook account, which either means that you have access to his or that he has shared all of this information with you (and there's probably no ulterior motives if he's being that open with you).
Tell him in a nice, light-hearted way that his contacting her bothers you. Be honest and up front. Seems to me like everyone I know on Facebook goes through this obsessive phase with it at first, then it peters out after a month or two.
I should also say that Facebook is not bad and there are some benefits to being on there, but I know that my motives for being on there wouldn't be healthy, and I need to resist that temptation.
GOOD LUCK! I feel for you in this situation.
D.S. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
No I don't think you're being irrational, I would feel the same way and am kinda in the same situation only it's my hubby's brother's ex-girlfriend that my hubby goes out of his way for. It upsets me because before his no good brother introduced us to her he knew nothing about her. Now she feels the need to call him whenever she needs something like food etc. I told him it's not his responsibility cuz until a year ago he didn't even know she existed, I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said h**L no but continues to provide for her and her 6 kids. He said he was raised not to deny anybody food, I said I realize that but what in the hell did her nasty behind do before she met you? While I was in the hospital she called him up cuz she needed somebody to help her move of course he jumped at the chance and had her call me in the hospital after me having a stroke. I told her she gave up the right to my husbands services when she kicked his brother to the curb, please don't call him for anything else it's disrespectful to me and I'm not a one to be played with...if you feel like talking pm me please...sounds like you need to vent but you're not wrong or insecure...
D.E. answers from Detroit on January 26, 2009
You are not immature or irrational. You are entitled to your feelings! If you are uncomfortable with it you need to discuss that with your husband. As long as you are explaining your perspective and not accusing him of anything, he should understand.
I have to admit I am a facebook addict. I did have an ex friend request me. I contemplated why I would re-open a book that was closed years ago. I decided to accept his request to show him that I am happily married and have a beautiful family. We sent messages back and forth in the beginning to catch up. We don't talk much now, but occasionally do comment on each other's posts. If at any time my husband took issue with that, I would drop the ex as a friend.
My husband also has a FB account and we can see what people are posting on his each-other's walls. If you do not have one already, I agree with a few of the earlier posts that you should commect to him.
Good luck! I hope you can get this cleared up quickly!!
V.L. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
First off I think it's good he was up front to you about having contact with her (I am assuming he told you about it) secondly I also think it's great he mentioned he is happily married. I think as long as he is being an open book with you - showing you messages back and forth and that it's NOT going over board then it SHOULD be fine..BUT he needs to realize he shouldn't cross the line (say inappropriate things). Just rememember that he married YOU that she was in his life before he even met you! :O)
You "won" him..not her..okay I know that sounds immature..but it's true.. Keep us updated..as my hubby is now on facebook (as well as myself) and it's just a way to reconnect with old classmates. sorry if I babbled on here!!
Oh.and the only reason I ever joined facebook is because I am planning my 20 year reunion and this has actually helped out finding people...
like other people have mentioned in there comments..just be open and up front about how you feel. please let us know how it goes..and GOOD LUCK!!
S.S. answers from Detroit on January 23, 2009
I hate facebook. I was on it and was hooked. Then I realized it was not a healthy thing to go back into the past. There is a reason the past is gone and we are where we are today. God knew we could not handle it all that is why he made time. I was consuming myself with friends from the past and learning more about where they are in life now. My little mind was spending too much energy on that than making now count. What at waist of time and a destroyer of relationships. YOu are not the first person I have heard say things like this about marriages being threatened by rekindled past relationships.
Sorry you are dealing with this. I would encourage you to ask him to delete as much as he could from facebook and deactive his account.
Many blessings to you
J.K. answers from Omaha on February 06, 2010
I am recently in the same boat , and am told I am just being jealous.. i was starting to wounder for a while... What to do