February 06, 2010,
L.A. asks from Farmington, MI on January 23, 2009
Husband Sought Old Girlfriend on Facebook
I need to know if I am being irrational here. My husband of nearly 20 years has suddenly discovered Facebook (and is now on it daily!) and sought out/found an old girlfriend (before me). I am upset that he has added her to his "friends" list because, after 20+ years, why do you now need daily contact with her? I read the messages that they sent and he admitted to her that he was so "totally in love with her", although he did share with her that he is now happily married. She wrote about how well he writes, and he encouraged her to write back more (lengthy emails). Am I out of whack to be totally incensed by this? If the tables were turned, and I were writing an old boyfriend, I would hope that he would get angry about it. He thinks I am being totally immature and irrational. I feel hurt and betrayed.
B.J. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
L., marriage is sometime harsh, I like to think of this situation as an old car, you like to drive the car, but the window's stick, sometimes it won't start, the air does'nt always work. Now think of your husband, after 20 yr he thinks this is fine, what next. Soon you'll be putting up with much more than just e-mails, stick to your guns and do not put up with this, tell him you could go to the dealer and buy a 2009. Best of luck, & hope this helps.
H.H. answers from Detroit on January 23, 2009
I do not think you are irrational at all. I have been on facebook but am no longer on due to all the costly viruses my computer contracted from that site. I can understand if they became 'friends' but anything more than a 'hi, hope life has treated you well' I think is really enough. Anyone can get on that site and find ex-loves or old friends...my god I found people from the street I grew up on! However, I have heard about these type circumstances like your husbands and I ask myself...why does he care after all these years what happened to her or how he once felt about her? I mean really...why does one care what happened to those that were part of our lives so long ago and what became of their lives? I guess in reality it is just human nature to look and see and I am sure your husband is not alone in any regard when it is put into this context. He did tell her that he was happily married so I would think that this is likely harmless. I too would have hurt feelings though especially after 20 years of what I am sure has been being a dedicated wife devoted to him and the children you share together!
T.D. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
Hi L., I think that if your husband found a friend on FB that isnt such a bad thing. Even if its his old girlfriend. I am married and have found some friends from elementary school on there. They may just be catching up. If he were honest with her and you about the ex he isnt trying to hide anything. I dont think you should be worried about anything and you shouldnt think that he is going on FB just to talk to her. He may just be looking on there to see who else he can find. Also you may be a little bit uncomfortable because of the lack of whatever it is/or isnt in between the two of you. The last thing you want to do is nag him about it, then he starts to sneak on there talking to people about it. Think about it. And as far as you and the hubby if you dont mind me offering. Plan a night for you two to get away. If only for a couple of hours. Or plan a romantic night at home. Tire the kids out put them to bed early and have a good night with your hubby. Hope this helps and remember if it is innocent you dont want to make it turn it into something it isnt by accusing him of it. And dont break into his FB account if he doesnt give you the permission to go in it. I am always here if you need to talk...Be blessed and make a wise decision....
K.S. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
This is interesting to me...I have a facebook account and my husband doesn't but I haven't reconnected with any old flames. Are you familiar with facebook at all? It is a wide-open book for the most part. Everyone can read everything about people. If I were in your position, I would create a facebook account myself and link up to your husbands account so it shows you're married etc. Then request to be this woman's friend on there and befriend her. You know they say keep your friends close, your enemies closer? I am a believer. If she is your "facebook friend" then less likely for her to have an inappropriate friendship with your husband, unless she's just an awful person all together. I would try not to freak out too much about it, you have to trust your husband. If you forbid him to communicate with her then its just going to make him want to communicate with her more and turn this all into a bigger deal then it needs to be. Men are simple minded - he probably just enjoys the attention, try to give him more attention yourself if you can. I hope this helps.
P.K. answers from Detroit on January 25, 2009
I think a lot of people use FB for the purpose of reconnecting with former classmates (kind of like unofficial reunions) and don't necessarily think it's that odd for an old flame to be among those someone might connect with. However, the "totally in love with her" conversation is questionable, and it sounds as though they're doing a lot of private messaging, as opposed to just writing on each other's walls, etc.
I think it's probably reasonable for him be friends with her on FB, but maybe you could ask that he keep the private messaging to a minimum. Beyond the initial "catching up" with someone, I rarely use the private message feature. Most of what you want to say can be public...comments written on each others' walls or comments on status updates and photos, etc. If you get your own account and befriend your husband, you'll be able to see all those comments.
F.W. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
No, your feelings are not irrational. In fact, you seem quite rational and realistic. However, you can use this as a wake-up call that your marriage needs some attention. Figure out what you can do, don't focus on the facebook page, as that will only make him want to hang onto it more, and besides, that is just a symptom and not the issue itself. Spice up the marraige and I bet facebook will disappear.
E.M. answers from Detroit on January 23, 2009
this is tough...
I think it depends on the person and the situation, but this does not sound healthy.
The fact that he said he was totally in love with her raises some red flags for me.
You need to sit down and discuss this and figure out why he is seeking her out - perhaps he is missing something in his life, etc. Perhaps he needs a bit more encouragement to make him feel better - when was the last time you complimented him? I find that my hubby needs these pick me ups just as much as I do.
Facebook is tricky, on one had I love it and on the other it can be too much.
K.H. answers from Detroit on January 24, 2009
You're not irrational. He needs to cut it out. Facebook is addicting. His actions are disrespectful and hurtful. He should remve her as a "freind".