A.B. asks from San Antonio, TX on October 14, 2006
Husband Showing No Interest in Pregnancy.
I hope I can get some good advice on this one! My husband and I have a 27 month old little girl and I am currently 30 weeks pregnant with our second little girl. Here is the problem. My husband has shown NO interest at all in this pregnancy (even though I have asked him to) and it is really hurtful to me.
Let me give you a little background on us. I had a hard pregnancy with our first daughter although my husband was there every step of the way. He went to EVERY Dr's appointment, always wanted to feel her kicking in my tummy, helped pick out the 'best' crib for her nursery, was always talking about names, asked how the baby was etc. He just really seemed to care that we were having a baby together and couldnt wait to meet her.
Because of the hard pregnancy the first time we had decided it would probably be best if we adopted rather than me carrying another child. Although, deep down my husband REALLY wanted another child of our own. I was scared to go through it all again and had my doubts, although seeing how bad he wanted another child and for me to carry it, I of course gave in and decided I would bear going through another pregnancy and then we would be done having children.
So ... after a few months of trying we got pregnant. He was happy and excited for what was to come and so was I. Although, it pretty much died shortly after the urine dried on the positive pregnancy test.
He does not care or ask to feel the baby kick, he doesnt seem to care about names .. other than saying yes or no if he likes one I mention to him. He does not ask how the baby is etc. I thought this would change after I started to show more and we found out the sex of the baby and he could see the changes in my body etc. But it has not changed one bit.
I am now 30 weeks (I had our daughter at 36 wks) and could be 6 weeks away from giving birth to OUR child, and we have done nothing to get ready for her coming into this world. We of course have alot of clothes etc from my daughter, but other than that and me going (by myself of course) to the Dr. we have made NO preperations etc for this baby.
I feel totally alone and as if it is ME bringing this child into the world. I feel like he pretty much made the baby with me and forgot about it after that. Have any of you gone through this before? I have talked to him about it many, many times and he says he doesnt know why he acts different this time from our daughters pregnancy. I have cried and tried to express how lonely it is for me ... he then just gets mad and says I am telling him he is a 'dead-beat' dad and wont talk about it after that.
PLEASE HELP ME!! I want him to be a part of this pregnancy. I would love to hear form any of you..... Thank you in advance for giving any advice/ stories etc.
C.W. answers from Denver on October 15, 2006
You know maybe he is scared because of all that you experiened the first pregnancy? Men have a hard time expressing their feelings, perhaps he wants to keeps his thoguhts to himself to not burdon you? I know with my second child it felt more like a routine or here we go again kind of attitude. Bringing another child into a family is a big change and one never knows what to expect. It will even be a change for your daugther. You don't need to be stressed right now so focus on the positive. Is your baby healthy? Is the pregnancy going well? Be blessed for that and be excited about that. Maybe if you start getting ready for the baby your husband will create an interest? Another child is another responsiblility sometimes thats all one can handle. Women have the nesting mind set where men normally have a different out look on things. So start preparing incorporate your daughter with it and then bring your husband into to join in if he wants - do it as a family and not as a couple. But it sounds like it will have to start with you. He might not get excited until he see the baby so don't expect a whole lot. Hope that helps, C.
E.J. answers from San Antonio on October 16, 2006
I hate to tell you this, but your husband is kind of a jerk to put you through this a second time and then drop off the involvement scale. I dealt with a boyfriend not really being involved in my pregnancy and being on and off with my son after birth for about 3 years. My response was to end the relationship and eventually, he gave up his rights to my son-THANK GOD! That is obviously extreme, and probably not going to happen to you, but the feelings you have now will stay with you forever! I know this because my mom still talks about how my father was not around for many doc. appts or even labor to this day in a resentful tone. Your husband needs to recognize that he cannot make up for this after the baby comes! I warned my husband that he better make sure I feel secure with this pregnancy because I was not going to deal with the same anxieties I had with my first-not that it would have ever been an issue, but I needed to make it clear. You are already 30 weeks along and in the last stages, if he is not going to step up, you need to find a friend or relative who will. You probably know that the anxiety is not good for the baby! Maybe someone can come stay with you, or you can stay with someone-who will support you though this. If he is not willing to open up to you about what he is feeling soon, then you need to do whatever you have to to make sure YOU are taken care of! Good Luck!
T.S. answers from San Antonio on October 15, 2006
I think because it is not something new it is not as exciting for your husband. I have had three and even though it is exciting it does feel a little routine even for me. My husband is a great father, but he too did not participate in the second or third pregnancies like the first. Like you may be discovering from this situation, men are less emotional. It does not mean he doesn't care for your or your babies well being, he is just not expressing his feelings in the same way that you may be used to. Once he sees the baby it may trigger the emotions that you are looking for.
J.M. answers from San Antonio on October 16, 2006
Congrats on the preganancy! I am also due in late December with my second and yep, I get alot of the same from my husband. I had to drag him to Babies R Us (almost kicking and screaming) to look for things for our next baby. He really never mentions the pregnancy unless I bring it up. I get more sympathy from our 4 year old about my back pain. The other day I put on a pair of capris and a tightish maternity top and was looking in the mirror and mentioned to my husband that I looked huge and he said plainly "you're pregnant" and walked out of the room. I too have a ton of things to do to prepare for this baby and he wants to put it all off til tomorrow or next week...he says we have plenty of time...uh..no we don't!
He really is a great husband and a great father but I think it is like what the previous poster said, it's not new to him anymore. He has also taken on a lot of duties around the house since I can't just jump and do whatever anymore. So I think he has alot more on his mind.
Anyways, I guess what I am saying is I am in the same boat as you. With me, this is our last pregnancy so I will enjoy it as much as possible and pray that he comes around by delivery time!!