Husband Shared Room with Single Lady, Again. How Do I Deal with It?

Red flags everywhere!!!! Even if NOTHING happened, something happened. The fact that he has zero regard for your feelings is also something to consider. His family and friends also have zero respect for you or your marriage. Same woman, same situation, not a coincidence in my opinion. It's time for you to decide what you will live with. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Now you know where his standards lie and what is important to him. That is not your feelings or your marriage. He KNEW how you felt, and he did it anyway.

Added: I just have to say, please don't delude yourself. At least be honest with yourself. You didn't go because there wasn't room but there sure was room for the single friend of your BIL's new wife???? How does that even make sense? He's shady, and his family is backing him up.

17 moms found this helpful

Im speechless-you said the first reason you didn't go the 1st time was there was 'no room' and the other time it was a 'party trip'- Are you kidding? There is a reason he didn't want you there. He has been extremely disrespecful to you. Confront him again and let him know from now on you take weekends away together or neither on goes. I would keep a very close eye on him and if you suspect anything go with your gut. Married, committed men don't share rooms with another woman!

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Whoa....I'm all about trusting a husband but this is just not right. There WAS a place to sleep...he could have just flopped on the couch--pulled out or not. Or a chair, or the floor.....anywhere but a situation that cast a shadow on your marriage, your relationship, etc.
So...I don't think you're over reacting. I think he sounds like a jerk. As for "what should you do"? I don't know. But I know this is the 2nd time and it would be the LAST time one way or the other.

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it may be that 'nothing happened' but that's not the point, is it? it was disrespectful to you, and i'm sure he wouldn't have appreciated it if you had spent the night with another man.
the fact that it's happened twice is a red flag, though.
yikes.
:/ khairete
S.

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K., have you called this woman and asked her why? Have you called his brother and his wife and asked them why?

Why are you a pushover on this? They have ALL disrespected you. And you let all of them off the hook for it?

I would be raising holy hell this time. And you should too. Why did you leave before you lost control? He is COUNTING on you keeping control so he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Not have anyone have to sleep on the fold-out. What a crock. They are giving him permission to have an affair and are enabling it. I'm sorry, but I think you are very naive about your husband's intentions with this woman.

Put HIS butt on the couch. You stay in your bed.

D.

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This was NOT okay!

I suggest that you call your pastor (or if you don't have one, call a local non-denominational one). Get some counseling. He clearly knew how you felt about this and did it anyway! There is NO reason why he didn't take the pull-out!

One last thing........ I don't understand WHY your husband went without you anyway. TWO TIMES! Your mom was having surgery. He should have stayed back with you and your son to support you! As for the party weekend, ABSOLUTELY NOT! There is no reason for him to go off and "party" while you are at home taking care of your child! And if it was a party weekend, his judgement was probably impaired??? So something COULD have happened. Which would make it all the worse that he chose to stay with her again.........

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!

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Oh no no no. You're absolutely right to be upset, I would be too! I would expect my husband to sleep on the ground in the yard before he slept in the same room as another woman, especially for the second time??!!
What is he thinking?

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You are not over reacting. Not by a long shot.

1) your husband is admitting to sleeping with another woman. Maybe there was no sex, but I (and most everyone else) would jump to the conclusion that there was.
2) he doesn't give a darn how you feel about it. This is almost worse than #1.

What woman/acquaintance/friend would just jump into bed with some strange man (married or not)?
In our family if there was a shortage of room, the friend and his brothers wife would share one bed for a night and the brothers would share another bed. And the pull out in the living room is there for a reason - any one could have used it.

I'm be looking for a lawyer if I were you. You could try marriage counseling but your husband has no respect for your feelings or his reputation and that is very bad.

9 moms found this helpful

You have every right to be upset. If he really wanted to be nice to her, he should have slept on the pull-out and given her the room to herself. Something is wrong here, even if nothing happened. You are not overreacting. You have my sympathy.

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Oh he!! no! You told him not to do it again, and he did. Not acceptable at all. And honestly, I think the whole situation is inappropriate. This obviously isn't a "family" trip, because this single friend is always there and there is partying going on. And oops, he just happened to sleep in the same room with her again? Unless this is a guys only hunting trip or something like that, I don't think he should go without you and your son. He's not living the single life anymore. My husband would never even want to go without me in a situation like that. Something is fishy here, and you are right to be mad. A married man who loves and respects his wife should make sure there is NO DOUBT that he has integrity and is faithful. Above all, he should respect his marriage to you and he is not. I would have a big problem with this. He needs to change his mindset...he is a married man and a father now.

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No, you're not overreacting. If you are deeply upset about *anything*, he needs to respond with something more than brushing it off. Maybe something happened with this woman, maybe it didn't. Regardless, he is disrespecting you by ignoring your anger and hurt.

I think an appointment with a marriage counselor is in order. If he won't go, go alone.

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You are not over reacting. Your feelings are very valid.

He shared the same room with this woman twice. Does that mean that they also shared the same bed? Or where there twin beds? One is better than the other but neither of them are very good simply because he knew how much this would hurt you from the first time that this had occurred and he had the option of sleeping on the pull out couch.

I can't tell you what you should do because I don't know enough about you, your husband, your relationship or how this whole scenario had played out. What I would recommend to you is that you go see a relationship counselor as soon as possible. I think the two of you need a neutral party to discuss this issue with. I'm not liking the thought that he is dismissive of your feelings and this is something best dealt with, with a trained counselor.

Hope this helps. (((Hugs)))

8 moms found this helpful

um. there was another bed. the pullout couch. zero reason for them to share a room. NONE.

there is no way in H*** i would EVER accept that. in my eyes (sorry), he had an affair. twice. sorry sweetie. i feel like you are trying to convince yourself this is okay. don't delude yourself, please. i know it hurts - it will hurt more and more every time he keeps doing these things. and it will hurt a hundred times more when you finally leave him and look back and think of all the times he slapped you in the face and you didn't take action.

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OMG. I would hit the roof. Even if "nothing" happened. He could have slept on the pullout bed if he wanted to be nice. He could have slept a lot of other places. And where the heck was the family that saw this happening? Anyone in my family (or my husband's) would have seen something wrong with that and not allowed it. And TWICE??? Sorry, but your husband chose another woman over your feelings. My husband would have dreaded coming home.

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Ugh! Your story made me so angry! The family is RUDE. Your husband is disrespectful and insensitive. That woman is NOT good! No respectful husband would be caught dead sleeping in a room with another woman. No decent single woman would allow that to happen either. Your husband should have slept on the cold hard floor before letting that happen. And there was a pullout couch, available for him!!! Look at all the lame excuses these people are throwing around. Your husband sounds like he is counting on you to be non-argumentative so he can get away with this but that is just more of him being disrespectful. It's time to let the feelings out!

6 moms found this helpful

WHAT IN THE H***!

His A** SHOULD HAVE SLEPT IN THE LIVING ROOM - ALONE!!!!!!

YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL THIS WAY.
MY HUSBAND WOULD HAVE FEARED COMING HOME TO ME.

I can't imagine the stress that you are under right now.
I am sending you a great big hug and lots of strength.

Take care.

6 moms found this helpful

From the outside it looks as though your husband has gotten quite close to his brother's new wife's friend!

2x now?!

I am glad you are confident nothing happened....b/c from the outside this looks VERY suspicious!

~For the record, the 'No Room' for you shtick wouldn't fly for me...b/c according to what you have said, the 'friend' could have had the pull-out and you and your family could have had the room!

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WOW... I would be beyond pissed off and feeling betrayed... not only by him but also by his family for allowing it to happen!! That was a major breach of trust and truthfully - I don't know your tolerance threshold for being disrespected.

I personally would have asked my husband to leave the home if this happened a second time after being very straight forward and respectful in expressing how the first time made me feel.

When you continue to act as if just words will solve something, your spouse will continue to do the same things because there are no repercussions.

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It was unacceptable the first time and downright outrageous for it to happen a second time when he knew that it would hurt you. For him to have total disregard for your feelings is truly mind boggling, as well as your calm and "respectful" discussion about what happened. Seriously? Do you calmly and respectfully discuss things everytime he treads on you and your feelings? There is a time for everything and this is the time when you let your feelings out. I would take the kids to a friend/relatives house and then I would let it all out. Cry if you want to cry. Yell if you want to yell. He didn't get it the first time but he darn well better this time. Then I would look into counseling. This is a huge red flag like others have said but in my mind it is a red flag that your marriage isn't all that you think it is.

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What the?! Start getting angry, K., because this stinks to high heaven! I'm just one more voice adding to the 40+ comments that you've received -- this is wrong, wrong, wrong!! No room for you and your son? Wrong! He bunks up with a single lady in a closed door room? Wrong! TWO times? WRONG! I'm angry for you!! No man respectful of his marriage would ever try to pull something like this -- twice! No self-respecting single woman would allow herself to be put in such a situation -- twice!

My husband would find himself at the Motel 6 if he would ever compromise our marriage like this.

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not acceptable at all. He shouldn't have gone the second time without you. He should've stayed home to support you. If he really felt he needed to go with his family then he should have slept on the pull out. and HIS FAMILY SHOULD HAVE INSISTED TOO! I find it very disrespectful on all of their parts! I agree with others - counseling. Although if he's denying anything happened then I doubt he will agree to it. If it were me I wouldn't be able to remain calm. I would be too hurt. To be vengeful maybe one of your husband's single friends could sleep with your new sister in law and see how that makes everyone feel.

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If this were my husband...he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

Sorry, but I think something happened the first time, and they met up again this trip. This is why you go as a family, or you don't go.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Sending you hugs.

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So why didn't he sleep on the pull out? This doesn't make sense at all. I cannot imagine what is in his mind making him think this is alright. I am really sorry. I would be livid too, I don't know what I would do honestly. Maybe tell him you want to go to a counselor bc this is really serious to you, maybe that would wake him up a bit. If he won't talk about it and just wants to brush your feelings aside that is not good, I am really sorry you are going through this, wish I had more advice to offer....

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Why do you let your husband treat you like this? It's true a pull out isn't very comfortable, but it's ok for a night or two.

How do you handle it? Start with kicking his butt out of your bed. He can sleep on the floor, or better yet the backyard. Then tell him to set up an appointment for marraige counceling.

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I don't think you are over reacting, I do not have a clue of what would I do. I am sure I would explode! I can tell you that it would take a lot, a lot of work in my husband's part and a lot of time to make things right again.

For sure I am not as trusting and I would also be very very upset with the political family memebers that helped this happen already twice for I would consider they do not respect me and the relationship.... They would be out of my life... if not forever for a good long time.

I would not like to be on your shoes right now. I am so sorry you are going thru this sad and difficult time.
My thoughs go out to you!

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Dont tell me you didnt go because theres no room. If that single chick had slept on the pull out couch, which is meant for sleeping on, there would have been room for you and your son in the same room with your husband. If your mother was having surgery and it was so important for you to be with her, why didnt he stay home to watch his son while you were with your mom? We have friends who have a cabin in the hills with a dorm type setting in one room. With 4 sets of bunkbeds it would make a bit more sense to have different sexes sharing the room, but you dont make it sound like this. And how long ago was the first time this happend with the new wife's friend? Have you met her? Could it be that his family is doing this on purpose and enabling him to meet up with this gal? My MIL set up a date for my husband for a weekend away that they thought I wasnt going to be able to attend. We were engaged at the time and she was certain he would want a cute girl to spend the weekend with. When we drove up to the camp ground together you should have seen all their faces! She has always thought he should leave me and marry someone better. (After 36 years youd think shed give up) So you may want to have some big dicussions with him, and then see what you need to do. He may be worth working thru this and going on forward from here. Not all marriages need to be ended when things like this happen. If you cant fathom the thought of getting past this and if he thinks this isnt a problem to him, you may need to start looking at plans of life without him.

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Um, frankly, you need to loose some control with this! You need to open a can of whip a$$ and make good use of it! The fact that it happened again was that you didn't make a big enough deal about it the first time. I would pack me and the kid up and move out and see if that makes him see how serious it is. He is playing with fire and you are being blind if you seriously think nothing has happened. I went thru something similar with my now ex husband. You need to be prepared for Plan B. This is not easy. Good luck.

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I believe it was extremely disrespectful of him to do even once but to do twice especially after telling him how you feel is completely unacceptable. You have every right to be upset (to say the least). If something happened or not is irrelevant to the fact that they should not have shared a room especially since it has happened before and you had already discussed it. If he had shared a room with another male or a family member would be different.

At this point, nothing he or you can say will change this event or how wrong it was. I say going forward, if you can't or don't go then neither should your hubby. Additionally, you could probably benefit from some counseling.

Maybe to make your hubby understand how you feel, you could ask how he would feel if you were to share a room with another man (single or otherwise I bet he woudl not like it one bit).

Just reread you post and noted the point about "not enough room". There was not enough room for you (his wife) but was enough room for your BIL's wife's single friend? Sounds off to me.

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This is wrong on so many levels! First, you told your husband before that you didn't like this arrangement and he did it again? Not good. And you didn't go off on him? Not good. Second, his family said that wasn't enough room for you and your son? Not good. If your mother was having surgery, why didn't he take your son with him so that you could focus on your mom? Not good. You, my friend, have a problem in your marriage. Disrespect. Your husband doesn't respect your marriage. His family doesn't respect your marriage and the friends don't respect your marriage.

I would sit him down and no uncertain terms tell him should this happen again, he is out the door. This is a marriage built on respect and I would tell him I didn't respect him for doing this. He has put you in a situation that you are questioning his faithfulness. Even if he was faithful, he put himself in a really bad situation and wasn't thinking. I can't believe his parents didn't say anything. This is WRONG and I would let him and them know it.

3 moms found this helpful

I was leaning toward going easy on your husband until you said that this was the second time this had happened with the same woman and that he knew it had upset you before. And that he went ahead and did it again anyway.

I don't think that the point is really whether or not he cheated, but that you were disrespected so openly. I mean, it IS important if he cheated or not... because obviously that's a huge betrayal. There were other better sleeping arrangements that could/should have been made or he could have been the chivalrous gentleman and, oh I don't know, OFFERED TO TAKE THE PULL OUT COUCH.

What I'm trying to say, poorly, is that it's very possible that he's nonchalant about this all and acting like it's no big deal is because he didn't sleep with her and it's really no big deal. I do think that part of why he thinks it's no big deal is because he told you and got it out in the open instead of hiding it... but I would be very curious if he told you freely or if you had to ask him questions and drag it out of him.

However, the APPEARANCE of impropriety is enough even if they slept innocently and apart from each other while in the same room. The fact that you feel disrespected and that he knew that going into this situation A SECOND TIME AROUND escalates it.

You're not overreacting at all. He deserves to sleep on the couch. That's where he should have been to have avoided this in the first place. But you need to talk it out and figure out why he thinks it's all right to put himself in these types of situations when he knows what it would mean to your marriage. I would be making an appointment to a marriage counselor.

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How is there "room" for a son's new wife's friend, but "not enough room" for another son's *wife*? I know that's not the issue you're asking about, but there's so much about this situation that seems disrespectful to you that I almost don't know where to begin. I, too, would be extremely unhappy and disappointed in my husband if this happened. I don't think you're overreacting in the least and I hope you find a way to work through it. In our household, there would be a lot of yelling to get my point across...oh, also, my husband would NOT be going on these family/friend trips without me ever again.

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I would surely be upset about this. He had a choice to sleep on the sofa and choose not to. Knowing it would upset you and he told you anyway? Why? He could have kept his mouth shut and you would not know, ever.

I would be very very annoyed with him. And I might plan a trip without him then come home and tell him all about how I slept in the same room as some young stud. See how it makes him feel.

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I dont have any advice for you but you are 110% justified in my eyes to be hurt and upset and I can tell you that if it were me he better watch out
I am sorry that he did this to you and I hope all works out
Good Luck

2 moms found this helpful

Having been unfaithful in my past at one time I can tell you that this situation is all too convenient. Most of my "friends" coordinated meetings and outings with this person so I could spend time with her even though my friends knew my partner and considered her a friend. There are basic boundaries that shouldn't be breached and this is clearly one of them. I'm sorry, but everything points to a bad situation.

While you are at it you may want to start noticing if he is texting on his phone or takes his phone every where he goes in the house. Do you know what he does at lunch everyday?

I'm sorry but it's crystal clear, he's cheating.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you might find this book really helpful :)
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Henry-Cloud/dp/...

2 moms found this helpful

honey, look, that was no accident. there is no way that the two of them just happened to be at the same place ( a condo), at the same time, TWICE. you got as much chance of that happening as finding jimmy hoffa in your front yard.ask him how would he feel if you just happened to do the same thing ? i get the feeling that he wouldnt see things in quite the same light. ask him what really happened, and if he tries to brush you off again, then you know that there is more to the story that he is telling you. make friends with the woman, if your husband looks uncomfortable or worse yet, starts making suggestions that the three of you "get to know each other", then you know proof positive that he has been less then honest with you about this chick.
K. h.

2 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry! I would be upset too! I'd just tell him very calmly and matter of factly that it doesn't really matter if anything happened or not, that is totally inappropriate! What would he do if the roles were reversed? Seriously?

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I think it's kind of weird that he goes without you in the first place. I get that you might say, "oh, go if you want..." but really? I can't see my husband going away on a 'party' weekend without me, unless they are his friends and not yours. Next time maybe you should go and leave your husband with your son... Also, who are these so-called "friends" who keep putting your husband in a room with this single woman? I would be upset and suspicious, very suspicious and I'm not even the jealous type!

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, he was very wrong! Not that it matters, but did they sleep in the same bed? I would be very mad if they were in separate beds in the same room, but I would go ballistic if they were in the same bed!

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Is your husband related to this woman? I've shared the same room with male cousins and brothers while married and not married.

One time, while traveling with a couple I shared a room with the husband while his wife slept in a different room. (separate beds) She snores so loudly that the two don't sleep in the same room. And I refused to sleep in the same room, too, because I wouldn't have gotten any sleep.

Sleeping in the room has not sexual connotations unless you believe that it does. Since you said you know nothing happened, I'm a bit confused about why you see this as disrespect for the marriage.

I would be more concerned about his lack of respect for your feelings than his sharing a room. You believe nothing happened and I'm thinking there is a reason for that belief such as them being related or there being no door on the room or perhaps 3 people shared the room. I can think of several reasons for it to be reasonable for this to happen.

I suggest that it would work better with your husband if, instead of getting angry and telling him off, you told him you accept that nothing happened but that you don't feel comfortable with him doing that and ask him in a calm, reasonable voice to not do that again.

No one likes to be told what to do. And when we're told what to do in an angry and disrespectful voice we're even less inclined to obey. Try discussing this with him in a calm way. Yes, tell him it makes you angry but do it in a respectful way.

There is a book entitled Nonviolent Communication that shows how to talk with people so that they are able to hear what we are saying without being defensive. This form of communication is on the Internet under Nonviolent Communication. Perhaps this would help you talk with your husband to resolve this issue.

1 mom found this helpful

yeah im wondering why she was invited and not you? This is suspect, and knowing your wishes (or aversions) he should have slept on the pull out bed (however uncomfortable it was). I would be outraged actually.

I can say one thing for the man though. At least he was honest about it.

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I would suggest counseling asap. I would be so upset... I am sorry you are going through this!

I find myself a hot guy and share a room with him as well for 2 nights :)

First, tell him one more time that this was the last time it will ever happen again without serious consequences. And make sure you have thought about those consequences before you begin the discussion. Tell him what the consequences will be. Finish the discussion like you say without fighting or yelling. Tell him it the last time you will bring it up.

Then make sure he never goes alone again. He takes you or your son. Period. End or discussion.

You are not overreacting. If my husband did this I am not sure what I would do, married men do not do this, and it sounds like there is no respect for you from him or his family. I would tell him to get on, I am not saying leave and divorece him but I think some time apart would do you some good to think about how you want to be treated and how much you are willing to tolerate. From the outside, the way it sounds is as though there is something going on. Did he tell you himself when he got home? Did you find out somehow?