Husband Relocated Without Us

Not to be mean but your husband sounds like a real jerk. Does he not understand how hard it is to work full time and raise 3 children. Shame on him for even taking a job so far from his family. He says he loves his family but actions speak louder than words!!!! You are at home busting your butt taking care of EVERYTHING and your husband, who loves his family so much, is looking for casinos and places to fish??? Sounds like he is liking his new life, in his new apartment with basically no responsibility. Shame on him for even suggesting you pack up three kids, find someone to watch the dogs and the bird and drive 3 hours to see him. He needs to get his priorities straight and get his butt home and visit his family. I am sorry if I am being brutal but it angers me to see men who put there families second.

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Man, S., this is not normal for a family. Maybe you need to point that out to him. I mean, families stick together. They don't go out and get their own apartment and move 3 hours away. You and your children deserve better than that. If I were you, I would say "When are we going to start house hunting there?" and see what he says. I would also ask him what realtor he thinks that you should list your house with. See how he reacts to those questions. Because if he acts like you guys are seriously going to live like this, than he needs to go ahead and file for divorce. Because he's setting himself up to live the single life again, and before you know it, all the other aspects of the single life will follow. You guys have been together since high school, that's one sign that he's got bad intentions. High school sweethearts work, I'm not saying they don't, but he never had the chance to live the "single life". I know that my husband's friends that got married to their high school sweetheart are terrible husbands and totally take advantage of their wives. Don't let yourself become "that kind of wife". Just remember that no matter how long you've been with him, you deserve to live a normal happy family life. If he thinks that it's okay to live a double life, than let him go. If you don't, you're going to end up getting hurt in the long run. You also don't want your children to grow up thinking that it's okay for a family to live separately.

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This is a rough situation all around, for you, the kids and for your husband. But, you have to be straight with us if you want good advice. You've given partial facts, here. First, sounds like he took a job without discussing it with you ahead of time? How would you have agreed to this lopsided relationship. You had to find out things from emails HE didn't even show you? What's up with that? HE wants YOU to visit? He's by himself. Why doesn't HE get in the car, take a long week end and come to see you and HIS children. You two didn't arrange the visitng plans in advance? You're confused? Why? Didn't you talk about all of this? I'm confused. Sounds like there have been problems and lack of communication for a very long time. Either you're missing what's right in front of your face, or you just forgot to tell us the rest of the story. Your husband doesn't want to be at home. Only the two of you know why.

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S.,

Every case is different and no one knows details except for you but, unfortunately I went through the exact same 5 years ago. Long story short, my husband got himself a totally separate life from us to the point that he ended up with someone else. I have been divorced for five years now and I know that it is hard to be a single mom, but it was harder to be a single mom when married ... I had all the responsability of taking care of the house, the kid and I was also working full time.
I would talk with him and set timelines to moving back together; if he agrees then stick to it and force him to visit as often as possible but over all do not let him feel confortable with his situation for a long time.
Hope everything works at the end

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I would tell him to find a new job closer to home that pays less- I mean after all, he is spending money for a new apartment, money on casinos gambling, and you'll be spending gas money driving back and forth to see him, or if he drives to see you.

He's a father to the kids and needs to act like one. That's leaving aside the fact that he's not being a very good husband either if he's not hearing how you feel about all of this.

:(
Manda

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Oh my goodness, S., my heart is just breaking for you. What an awful situation. While your husband's comments sound like that of a man who is confused about life, I would encourage you to continue your life with the idea that things will work out but be realistic. Men don't seem to have as much of a bond with their children and so it's typically easier for them to break free. Given this situation, he is already out of the house. Maybe once he gets his confidence back, he will start looking for a job closer to home.

I can't imagine what you must be going through. If you need to vent, I am here.

Good luck and best wishes for all of you.
N.

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S.,
I think it depends on if you were risking losing the house and this was the only way to keep a decent roof over your family's heads, but it sounds like he's pleased with the situation of having the separation by his bragging on having time to have his own place and do his own thing. On the other hand, my hubbie loves to go for a weekend of fishing but calls me when he gets there, totally misses the kids and me and goes with either a guy friend that I know well or his dad. He takes pictures of him catching fish on his cell phone and he loooves fishing. But then he offers that I go away overnight, either to visit my brother in AZ, for example or just a day out to hang out with the girls. His parents have had separate vacations, and together vacations and it has been great for there marriage of almost 50 years. But having separate living arangements with no idea, no parameters on when you're getting back together to live together again as an actual family unit would be a deal breaker for me. I think that I would take Julie's advice and ask him what realtor he's using where he is to locate a family house and tell him, that you've started working with xyz realty company in your town to get your house sold. Could you easily find a job where he's located? Would you want your family to move where he's located? Are there good schools, family anywhere nearby? If so, even if you end up getting a divorce, then your kids could live close enough to their dad to see them. I'd say, it doesnt sound fair, like he checked out and left it all for you to deal with. But at the same time, maybe his intentions aren't all that bad. Or maybe he is having a midlife crisis, coupled with financial difficulties and the responsibilities of everything combined seem too much. If this is the case then you need to stay on top of things and talk to him about listing your house and finding one there. Maybe, selling your home and renting in his town? He could be totally stressed out too, but is not talking to you about it which of course isnt fair to you but that's how a lot of men deal with too much stress. Good luck to you! I hope you stick it out for a while and do your best to help relocate your family, find a new job.....your kids need their parents together - how stressful for them!

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S.,

I felt for you when I read your post. After reading the other posts, I would caution you not to jump to conclusions. You said you love working where you are and that you think you should stay where you are so as not to disrupt your kids' lives. I have to ask you - did you tell your husband you did not want to move?
Most decent employers will include relocation assistance for the entire family with their offer when needed. Also, a lot of professional consultants work away from home where an employer will pay for their apartment until the contract is finished - but most travel home at least every other weekend. I don't know if any of this applies in your case, but I guess you might want to ask yourself if your marriage is strong enough to endure this, apparently your husband thinks so. I trust you will keep a positive outlook and believe it will work out. There are lots of couples who get along just great because one of them travels or is away a lot of the time. That being said, you might need to get some outside care for your children so you have time to yourself too (women like to go fishing too y'know) :-D cheers, hang in there.

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I'm so sorry to hear your story. It sounds like your husband is taking this opportunity to "relive" his youth. Leaving you with the responsibility to raise your family. I realize he needed to find work - but this area is loaded with things you can do to earn a living. You didn't mention what he is doing so it's hard to know what line of work he's pursuing... I think you need to seek counceling as this is not heading in a direction that sounds good. Being on call 24/7 is not something he should have agreed to knowing he has family commitments & would need to fulfill those at minimum every weekend. 3 hours away is not to far - but with you having a house full of kids/animals - I don't see how you're going to be able to make the commute & then where will you all stay - in his apartment? He's being very selfish & not putting his family first (even though he may have convinced himself he is by "getting a job").... Don't doubt your feelings here - you're right to be upset & concerned about his actions. Woman have an incredible sense for things - we need to trust it more. You've got a lot at stake here - you need to try & get some help before it completely derails. good luck.

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Well, I think this is a decision you should have made together.

Were you at risk of losing your house soon? Were you behind in bills? If, not then I would be upset to.

It seems like he wants you to handle all the burden on your own. I think he should try and make the effort and visit you as well.

Good Luck.

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This one is tough. It sounds like he is going to enjoy being away, maybe wants a touch of the single life again. The only problem is that he isn't single. My husband is also on call 24/7 but that is only about 1 week every 2 months. I don't know if a job actually exists that would require you to be on call 24/7 at all times. You would not have a life. Give him some time away, let him have his fun. If he doesn't come around you have to take matters into your own hands. Maybe on a time when school is not in session, make plans to kennel the dogs (if it's impossible to take them with you), and take yourself and the kids to surprise him. There should be absolutely no problem with you going there unannounced. Maybe he is telling the truth and the job will keep him that busy but, we as females, can't help but wonder. We have a sixth sense that starts going off when things don't seem right. Don't doubt your feelings. What type of work is he doing now....... Another option is if his job is truly long-term and he plans on making this his permanent, then the entire family moves. My husband is the main provider for our family. If he lost his job and another opportunity came up that far away, then we would move as a family. The house would be put up for sale and we'd start looking for a new place to live closer to his job. Moves aren't fun but if it's for the good of the family and he truly wants all of you to be together, then there shouldn' be a problem with it. If he has a major problem with this, then I'm afraid there are deeper issues there and you have to make a decision for your family. Good luck.

You didn't state what field of work your husband is in, so it's hard to say whether or not it would even be logical to be on call 24/7. In my experience, no one is on call for that long. It may be the person works 40 hours that week and for the weekend is on call, but the following weekend, he will not be on call. I would question that.

I agree that you should pay him a few surprise visits. Don't take the kids. Simply because they don't need to witness anything that kids shouldn't witness. If he's doing something on the side, they don't need to know this. If he's not and you guys start arguing, they don't need to see that, either. If you are going to take the kids, let him know that you will be there and the day/time. The kids need to see him.

As for the comment in email about relocating, I have to say that it could just be because he wanted a job. I know as an employer, hiring a potential candidate who stated, "Well, I could relocated, but I really don't want to" would be considered AFTER someone who said, "I could relocate, and I am actually looking forward to it." So, that in itself doesn't mean much. I would, however, question his enthusiasm for gambling and fishing. I mean, if he's on call that much, where would he find the time? Although, sometimes when someone is hesitant to leave a situation, they try to look on the "bright side" of things. It could be that he's just trying to "pump" himself for not being with his family and what he's telling you is actually how he feels. It could be that he's on call all the time for x amount of weeks for whatever reason.

It all comes down to communication. You're both missing the boat on it. There are too many "unknowns" on both sides of the pond and you're driving yourself crazy by trying to fill in the blanks with more unknowns.

I think you both need some counseling. You checking his email shows a lack of trust...and honestly, you don't "not trust" someone for no reason.

Take it one step at a time. Go visit him, talk with him and listen to what he's saying...both verbally and non-verbally, and get your situation all squared away. I hope it all works out the way it's best for you and your kids.

Your husband sounds like he either has his priorities mixed up or something's going on-on the side. I would suggest putting the house up for sale and having the whole family live together. There's no way a family should be separated just so you don't lose a house. A house is simply a roof over your heads. Nothing more. Family is the heart of the home, and you don't have one right now if you're heart is with your husband and you feel left behind.

You need to find a sitter and show up at his place UNANNOUNCED for a weekend. Tell him you've missed him and wanted to surprise him, then tell him you can't live without him anymore and that you want to move to where he is. See what his reaction is. I hate to say this, but based on everything you've said he is not acting like a married man and is looking for an escape. If fishing is the only reason he wanted to leave that's a poor excuse. Fishing can be a fun family activity. My husband and I go all the time and frequently take my son along as well. He NEVER asks to go alone even though I wouldn't mind if he did. Call your husband's bluff and find out what is really going on. Please keep me posted. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

What you are going through sounds really hard. I'm sorry that you're suffering from this separation.
How about giving up the house? You and your husband didn't marry the house, but each other, and keeping the family together may require some sacrifices. If your husband's job is short term, maybe ask him to look for something else. If the job is long term, perhaps ask him how you can work together for a good solution for your whole family. All the extra stress which the current situation is creating can't be good for your marriage or your family long-term.
I hope that you find a good solution together.

S.,

I could try and find some positive in this message, but to be honest with you. Your husband sounds like he is reliving the bachelor life he was never given and loving it. He is getting his cake and eating it too. It's time to call him on it. He should have either declined that position because it does neglect his family from time with him. Or relocated you too! Or drive the six hours a day to be with his family. Take a look at the big picture too. He tells you it's so you won't lose your house. Well what money are you both saving by him paying rent for an apartment? That, if anything is waisting more income.

You do more than your share with those children and that household. You might want to sit down for a pow wow with your husband and ask him what's going on in his mind that could potentially ruin your marriage. Also good for you in putting your kids first. Just make sure you don't hold your problems with your husband in, and tolerate this situation so it doesn't bother the kids. They can sense tension and they will begin to ask where daddy is and why he is never home.

Always go with your gut instinct if you feel something isn't right. We as humans were given that gift to use. Especially women. We tend to ignore it because there is no physical proof. Just don't make yourself miserable for the sake of keeping the peace around there. You are too valuable to that family. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent, drop me a line. It's sounds like you need someone who understands.

Ok, whoa! I read this in disbelief. I think you are getting a very raw deal. First of all, why wouldn't you relocate with your husband. That to me is just insane. Now you are also paying rent and a whole other set of utilities. I'm sure will all that expense, you could have gone with him and quit your job until you found something else. To be perfectly honest, it sounds to me like he is trying to break away. If he doesn't even try to find the time to visit on the weekend, and is going to casinos, and fishing spots,I can gaurentee that his priorities are not in the right order. I think he is being selfish, leaving you to bare all, when he is doing God knows what! I think your kids will be less effected by a move than a separated family situation. Move with him! That's best for you, your kids, and your marriage!

I know this is hard on you but I think I would give him just a bit more time to see where he really is. You can't jump the gun at any kind of motives behind such a move so you have to wait and see what comes next. A reasonable amount of tme will tell what is really going on and you can address it then. Meanwhile, if you are praying person....ask God for wisdom and direction and trust God all the way...regardless as He WILL take care of you!

Sounds like he is wanting out...I have never heard of a marriage surviving separate living arrangements like that. Has he asked you to move with him? Lose the house? If finances are thet bad, how can he afford to pay for both an apartment & a mortgage? I would start asking some very serious questions ASAP!

I would not accept that. Tell him to look for a new job near home.

Have you 2 talked about the whole family moving with him?? My husband doesn't make any decisions without OKing it with me several times...like joining the Navy with 2 children and 1 on the way. We've never had issues like this, so I don't really know if moving with him would be an option, but if you can, it might solve the problem.

I don't know if you want truth or comfort.... truth... move on. If he was a good support system and partner he wouldn't have snuck around letting prospective employers know he'd be willing to relocate without even speaking to you. That's absurd. (not to mention selfish, immature etc). I realize marriage is a committment so possibly seek professional help first but realize that what i said at the beginning is where you may be headed. The longer you wait in life to try to change what may never be the longer you put off of your own happiness.

Comfort... maybe he is going through a mid-life crisis and needs to find himself. (too bad he couldn't think of the kids while doing that...)

Trying not to be harsh but a mirror...
Josie

I am sorry but I feel you should get therapy together. There is something more obvious thats going on here. Actions speak louder then words. When he is saying you have it easier etc he is not validating your feelings and playing on your guilt.

It really seems like there is something going on here. I would try to have a talk with your hubby. After being married a while and having the responibilities for family, I'm sure he feels like getting away would be great. The only problem is you are left holding down the fort. A family really needs to be together. Perhaps you can take some time and go met him without the kids and talk about what this means for both of you. Have you talked about you quitting your job and relocating?

I really hope you can work something out. Best wishes!

I don't know the entire story behind this but when he is talking about his own place and he can fish and whatever when he wants it sound like he wants to be by himself. My husband and I have been married almost 12 yrs. now and we have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4. He had a job traveling around the country for a while, but he made a decision to quit that job, come home and find a job where he is home everynight. We didn't see him for months at a time and it started to strain our relationship. He decided that his family was more important than his job and the money he was making. I read your story to my husband and he said that he needs to put you guys first and he needs to either go back there or move you guys there and if he doesn't then the heck with him. His view is that your husband should be putting you and the kids first and not his job. I seem to think there is something fishy going on so you might want to take an unexpected trip out there and see what is really going on or if he is telling the truth about this being on call 24/7. Anyway good luck and I wish you all the best. D.