27 answers

Husband Out of Work

okay this is embarassing to admit, but my husband who i love to death has suddenly up and QUIT his job. don't ask me why...i can't even begin to fathom how he can justify this. he has had problems in the past with keeping a job, but since our son was born (17 months) he's kept one job continuously and i had been so happy about that...i even stopped worrying every time he'd had a bad day that he'd tell me at the end of the story, "so i quit." i can't tell you how angry and hurt i am feeling right now...but i have NO idea what to tell him to get through to him - you have a FAMILY. you don't do that. period. he doesn't have a backup, he didn't give 2 weeks notice...some people have told me i should have kicked him out right then and there, the problem is i really do love him and in most other respects he's wonderful. anyway...maybe i'm being naive but i just really wish there was something i could tell him to get through to him. since our son was born, i've point-blank told him, "just DON'T quit your job." apparently this didn't work. any suggestions?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

you guys are so wonderful. thank you all for your opinions and advice. sooo i did sit down with my husband, and talked to him very calmly, and told him, i know that it's a "done deal" and there's no going back, so after that i would not mention it again. but i really had to get things off my chest. i really stressed giving TWO WEEKS NOTICE. and i also came to find out that a lot of things in his life, he's been unhappy with. so i think it's not as much about the job. which made me pretty angry to think that quitting that job didn't even fix the problem...but at least i heard what's going on with him. it has taken three days of pretty much constant fighting...or distanced silence...but i think i'm in a much better place now. and i also told him, not only will he be able to spend more time with our son (he had been working nights), hopefully now he can find something better. i truly do not want to leave him, and i think we'll be okay. who knows if asking him to give notice sunk in...a lot was said! but i have hope. thank again!

PS, bullseye with that bipolar thing...i totally think he might be! unfortunately my insurance has a 5,000 dollar deductible so we can't afford him to go to the dr, but it's definitely something i'll keep in mind.

Featured Answers

First of all, Support him). Make him feel important.

Have him sit down and make a list of things of Interest to him.
Then Research Ideas from those Interests that should lead to a job.
Good Luck

Why don't you keep working, and let him be a stay at home dad? He may like that lots better. You should try that out for awhile. Meanwhile, if you don't have that great of job, try finding something else in the meantime.

More Answers

Hi C., I just read the new Oprah yesterday and Dr. Phil had someone with the same situation. He told the wife to tell her husband that looking for a job should be his job. He should be spending 40 hours a week looking for a job (getting his resume together, searching ads, applying for jobs, etc.) He also said the husband should be setting goals for himself, even if they are small goals..."Today I will...." "I want to have a job by the time four weeks is up," etc.

My brother (age 33) quit his job 3 months ago without another job in place and hasn't even had an interview. I seriously think he likes collecting unemployment and hanging out all day, but do you know how that looks on a resume?? Three months without a job? I mean, your husband and my brother should get ANY kind of job. It's like my brother is waiting for "the perfect" job to drop out of the sky or something. Sheesh...Sorry, I can feel your frustration. You're right, though, one should never quit a job without another one in place.

I would tell your husband to do something, even if it's temporary. To your husband it seemed okay for him to quit his job because YOU have a job. My brother quit his job because he knows my family would help him. But at what point are we helping him if we are not telling him, "Hey, we'll help you until the end of this month and that's it, you're on your own." Don't be an enabler like my family :) My brother will ride the ride for as long as we let him. I would definitely tell your husband to set some goals for himself. Or you may have to set them for him.

Hi C.,
I don't want to sound insensitive or out of line, but
my parents had this exact problem as I was growing up.
Unfortunately, my father was never truly diagnosed, but had
all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. Maybe your husband
has some slight depression or anxiety that gets in his way
at work. It's just a thought. Hope all works out well for you. Jen

First and foremost, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. People react differently and don't always use their best judgment when doing so. That being said, I disagree with just kicking him out - that will solve nothing. Try to just be as supportive as possible while stressing to him the importance of him finding work immediately. I'm sure if the situations were reversed and you were truly unhappy at your job you would appreciate him supporting your decision to quit rather than belittling you about it. Just calmly let him know that you would appreciate the courtesy of advanced notice when he plans on leaving a job (he really should have given two weeks, not only is it professional but it shows maturity.) And that he needs to find a job -any job- asap. I really feel for you and I sincerely hope things work out for the best.

You're not by chance from Sedalia, MO. are you? Also... my husband and I went through this the first 3 or 4 years of our marriage, and if it weren't for my parents business right now, he still probably wouldn't keep a job. He stayed home and watched our son, he did very good keeping the house clean too. It saved us a lot on baby-sitting and the gas he would have spent to commute to and from work and pick up our child from daycare. Figure that up and how much it costs and see if it really is worth him working, if he is good with your son and he really doesn't make that much and he is willing to do the house work etc. they say nowadays more dads are staying home and whomever stays home actually... for all the work they do around the house, if they were paid minimum wage they'd make like $32,000 each year... wow.... maybe if he feels comfortable with it and you do too, and he is great with your son, he could take on another child and baby-sit during the week for some extra income. It would also give your child someone to play with and interact with. My other suggestion... pray alot... God has a plan for you and for everything in your life and everything happens for a reason. Gods blessings to you and your family, and I will keep you in my prayers.... I've been there done that and it took me a long time to be o.k. with it... now I am the one who stays home, but I have income working from home.

C.,
I don't have any advice but wanted to offer "hugs" it must be very stressful for you.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It's very frustrating - my husband is a recovering alcoholic and was on and off the wagon for years. He had a great job, as a result of his alcoholism he lost his job, but it took much more than that for him to see the destruction he was causing in his (and our family's) life. Your husband DOES need to grow up and realize he's acting like a child and needs to support his family. He needs to be a man and doesn't need you to be his mom. I think more than just a husband issue this is a marriage issue. Sure he acts like a child, but are you supporting this behavior inadvertently? By always picking up the pieces and taking care of all the details? That was my problem. It took lots of counseling - one on one for each of us and marriage counseling for both of us - but my husband has gotten past his rough patches (2 yrs. 4 mos. sober) and he even got his old job back! But it took lots of other people telling him to "man up" and take care of his family before he saw that that's what he needed to do. It never got through to him when I told him to "man up." So bottom line is I recommend marriage counseling. Life is great for us these days. Oh and BTW, I too am a working mom of 2 with no. 3 on the way. I feel it necessary to keep working because even though my hubby is a great guy and has proven himself, there is always a fear in the back of my mind that one day he may relapse - and I couldn't handle not being able to take care of myself and the kids in a time like that. So good luck to you, I feel your pain, but I know people can turn themselves around!

C.-

Sorry to say that it seems that even though your husband is good in alot of other areas, he does not seem to take what you say to him seriously. I had a similar problem with my now ex husband- I ended up working 16 hrs a day, 6 days a week. Oh he would do laundry and look after the kids but did very little work. My job finally felt sorry for me and hired him- I almost fired him twice for being lazy and having a bad attitude! I finally realized that "hey, I am already doing this alone. Why, do I need the extra burden of supporting him, emotionally or financially?" I kicked him out and went on with my life. I still work alot of hours . I suggest that you give him an ultimatum " get a job and keep or get out." You are worrying about him and finances- he needs to grow up and start thinking and worrying about you, the baby and the finances- to relieve the burden off of you.

First of all, Support him). Make him feel important.

Have him sit down and make a list of things of Interest to him.
Then Research Ideas from those Interests that should lead to a job.
Good Luck

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