Husband Not Getting Toddler Love!

First of all: parenting is NOT about GETTING love from a child; it is the complete opposite. Until and unless people all over the world begin to understand that babies and our children are not here to love us but to receive unconditional love FROM us, this world will continue to suffer. If your husband is angry NOW, that a toddler has the ability to sense your husband's neediness and push that away, what do you think will happen when Ty is 5 or six or 11 or 13 and actually saying things like "Dad, I hate having you around all the time" or "Just go away and let me alone." Sounds like a real mess coming up.

I heartily suggest your husband and you, spend time seeking out counseling for some of your own repressed childhood issues. Our children are our best teachers, if we allow that. They gift us with the mirror or projection so we can see where we need to heal. Ty is already your teacher. Allow him to provide you and your husband with this healing time. It is not Ty's job to show you or your husband affection on demand. It is your job to protect, nurture, and love him so he will grow up and be able to do the same.

Bless you for reaching out with this very important issue that too many parents never ask or address before they have children.

I'm a mother of four, grandmother of five and worked in domestic violence advocacy for over 20 years. I have seen the results of situations like this and hope this strong email will really help you both to stay on track about your role and responsibility as parents.

I also suggest a poem from Kahlil Gibran in his book, THE PROPHET. Read the chapter called "Children." It is themost poetic outpouring of the true nature of parenting I have ever come across.

Blessings,
Y.

Hi M.,

First and foremost, the most important thing for everyone to remember is that you son is only 2 years old. He doesn't know how is actions and words affect others. Most children have an incredible bond with their mother especially when you are the primary caretaker 24/7.

Have Daddy and Ty figure out something really special that is just a "guy thing". Make this a weekly event. It is a start and gives them something to bond over and look forward to.

Also maybe Ty and Daddy can do some really silly games when daddy gets home from work or Ty can become Daddy's helper - Ty can help put the briefcase away, put daddy's watch on the dresser etc. Turn the experience into something positive.

Lastly, if Ty insists on "no dada" don't push the issue, don't react and let Ty do his own thing. And remember, it is not personal. It is just a phase.

Good luck.

L.

First of all, you and your husband should remember that you can't force a toddler to do anything. We went through short phases of this with my first. My husband often has to travel out of town and can be gone for months at a time. Needless to say, when my daughter was younger she would shy away from dad for a bit.
Part of the problem is that your son is mad at his dad for not being home. To combat this, when your husband is home he should have special time with your son, but don't force it. Another big component of toddler behavior is that they like to push buttons. If your son sees that his refusal to go to his dad gets a reaction (good or bad)your son feels like he is in control of something and will continue the behavior. Your husband needs to act like it doesn't matter, even though it does.
Most of all, everyone needs to be patient and continue to express love to your little boy, and stop trying to force the issue, that only makes things worse.

Hey M.,

I have two little girls, ages 2.5 and 7mo. I have also stayed home with them from the time they were born, my hubby works. I spend every minute taking care of my babies, but when daddy walks through that door, move over mamma! They want nothing to do with me!

It used to hurt my feelings that my girls wanted nothing to do with me once he got home (my oldest also asks for him all day). Then I started taking care of my cousins two boys and guess what... I can't get them off me when there daddy comes to get them!

I think it's just a daddy/daughter, momma/son thing.

I forgot to mention, my hubby has no patients with our eldests "two year old things" either. (tantrums, attitude, sassyness, sesitivity) she still just wants him!

My moms says that the rolls will change at about age five and change back again at about age 12. We'll see! Tell your hubby he'll have his day!

S.

Hi M.,

My first daughter did the same thing to her daddy. It bugged both of us. He would get his feelings hurt a little bit and get a little frustated. We realized that she was home with me all day and never spent any real alone time with daddy. We also noticed that we weren't showing each other the affection we used to and little ones pick up on this. So I would make it a point to get all excited when daddy got home from work. I would smile and go to him and give him a big hug and a kiss (to show her that this is how we act when daddy gets home). Also, I started school at night so he got some alone time with her. I think both of those things really helped her to get over the feelings she was having with him. It took a little while but she loves him up all the time now and runs to him when he walks in the door. Make it a point to leave them alone even if it's for an hour-go to the store or whatever. Also, show your son how happy you are that daddy's home and pretty soon he'll pick up on it. Don't worry it's normal for some kids to act this way. Your son will grow out of this. Tell your husband not to take it personal and maybe get down on the floor and play with him a little more! Hope that helps!

K.

Hi M.,

I am also a SAHM with 18 month old daughter. She does the same thing with my husband. What works for us is him spending more time with her and getting down on the floor on her level. Also, for good night hugs and kisses, which she doesn't want to do, we make a game out of it, like one, two, three, hug, one, two, three, kiss. Then we repeat it a couple times. She like to give hugs and kisses when it's a game. SHe even likes to do it when I play like that with her.

You might need to get creative but rest assured, it is very common!!!!

I have three girls and they have all gone through this with their dad. What your daughter and husband need is alone time, alone time, alone time. What I have always found is that the more time they spend with their dad, the better the relationship. If one of the girls starts behaving that way with their dad, we make it a point to have her spend some quality alone time with him and we see immediate improvement in their relationship. Good luck...and with all these not so fun phases repeat over and over....this too shall pass, this too shall pass!

Hi M., I have 3 girls (6, 4, 2).... all of them have shown the same kind of silly reaction to my hubby as well..... w/ each one we have treated that kind of behavior like a fit. We have told them they cannot be nasty to Daddy. If they continue then Daddy will send them to their rooms. My hubby is the one who deals w/ them since they are "disobeying" him. My 2 yr. old now gives him nasty faces or won't look at him. She also sometimes won't kiss him good night. In that case he acts like it's not a big deal & says, okay no kiss for you then.... she immediately changes her attitude. When she makes nasty faces when he tries to love on her & pushes him away, I will reinforce that we don't act that way to Daddy. If she continues then Daddy will try to take her & talk to her.... sometimes play w/ her to get her in a better mood.... if she continues to disobey then like I said earlier he will send her to her room. My hubby will go in every few minutes and ask if she is ready to be nice to him. It usually takes a few time of him asking before she says yes. Then he will love her & she is better.... silly kids! Tell your hubby not to take it personally! I know that's hard to do, but he is the adult & the kids are just playing a mind game w/ us (yes, even at this age). Your son is just trying to find out how much he can get away w/ & who is going to be in charge.... I know a silly way to find out! Encourage your hubby to be consistant & that other Daddys have gone through the same thing. Blessings...

With my daughter, especially at that age, it was all about power. Your son must like having power over the situation and is getting the reaction he wants. You and your husband should just walk away and act like it doesn't bother you. If you consistently show your husband a lot of positive attention and your husband responds positively to you, your son will want to join in.

Remember, you must be consistent. There has to be a positive reaction to good behavior and a negative (like walking away) reaction to bad behavior every time. They learn quickly.

Try this, let it just be Daddy and Son time and you need to leave the house. Run some errands, go see a movie or go shopping with a Friend. Leave them in the house alone together and then your son will have no choice but to spend time with Dad. It may be rough the first few times but if your son doesn't see you, then he may warm up to Dad so then maybe then can finally get the bonding time they need.

Hope this helps.

It is so important for your husband to understand that him saying no is just as normal and needed as saying I love you. He is starting his boundaries. He is just two, it is not personal. By your husband getting angry says that he is taking it personal. Maybe he should look into what he expects and modify it a little. You want a child that says what he wants.Affection is not one of those things that we have to do ie: put on a seatbelt. Good luck. You are right to want to get this nipped now instead of paying for family therapy later.

Hey M.

My wife asked me to reply to this because I went through the same thing. Our daughter is now 5, but reacted the same way when she was 2 and 3.

Our situation is similar to yours - my wife has been a stay at home mom and I've worked 5 days a week, occasionally 6. I would get really upset when our daughter pushed me aside and only wanted mom. It felt like rejection even though, intellectually, I knew that wasn't the case.

Our daughter wanted me for playtime, tickle time, and bathtime, but if she was hurt or upset, only mom would do. It took me a while to appreciate that she "wanted" me for playtime, but "needed" mom when someting was wrong. It's always nice to be wanted rather than needed ;)

For me, oftentimes I was /am tired when I get home after a 12 hour day. My wife was ready to have some down time the second I walked in the door but I wasn't yet decompressed enough from my day to fully engage and our daughter sensed our stress levels. We both realized how stressful our days were and my wife often suggested I stop off on the way home from work for a coffee to help arrive home in a more relaxed frame of mind (the downside is that often by the time I got home our daughter was headed to bed so I got zero time with her except the weekends!).

One suggestion I would make is that the three of you engage in something together before you hand off to dad. That way Ty sees the family dynamic, sees you including dad in the activities and will probably follow suit. Same at weekends - maybe Saturday mornings is family time, then the rest of the weekend is daddy-time. It's essential that your husband has some time alone with Ty to help build that bond.

Because our daughter would often push me away, I was actually nervous at taking her anywhere by myself in case she had a meltdown. Did that ever happen? Yes. Did I get through it? Yes. I think sometimes dads lack self confidence when they're not around as much and the kids change so rapidly as they grow that dads don't see the new bahavior patterns as much as moms do.

The other thing I would suggest is making sure that the two of you are on the same page with boundaries and expectations of Ty. At that age, kids need consistant boundaries to feel safe. If the two of you act and react the same way with Ty, he'll sense that and respond accordingly.

I'm no psychologist, but these things seemed to help us. I know all families are different though. If your husband needs to chat about this, I'd be happy for him to get in touch with me.

Good luck and remember that this phase will pass. Our daughter is now 5 and will even ask to spend time with me now :)

Colin

Basic Toddler boy thing. My suggestion is that when your husband is home on the weekends step out of the picture for part of Saturday so that your son can bond with dad without your presence. Even in the evenings when you're husband is home give them time when you are not available. Your sons primary influence is you all day. He is not old enough to realize that he can hang with dad without you. There is an innate competition that exist between toddler boys and their dads over time with you because they don't realize that you can love them both. It's a funny thing that they grow out of fairly easily. Just give them plenty of opportunities for space and their relationship will grow.
Best of good wishes
Marie

It is important to maintain the mama/dada relationship. Example: go out as 2 grownups once a week (like clockwork). That helps Tyler, when mama has been the only one with Tyler all the time, it helps Mama and it helps dada. Even if it for just a couple of hours to take a nice long walk around the neighborhood.
There are things only mama is good for and this only dada is good for. The things, primary needs, that mama is good for get established early. Tyler will soon enough (1 year) gravitate toward daddy and will leave you in the dust. At 3 years old, Tyler will be potty trained, starting soccer or itty-bitty-sports, swimming classes, or T-ball. He will be up longer hours and be his weekend pal. They'll be sneaking off to Java Juice before you can tell them it's not good for them before supper. Mama will still be expected to do the primary needs (feed, sunscreen, brush teeth, put to bed...and or course carpooling).
Good luck, this is normal.

Your husband needs to grow up and really act like an adult here. Your son is not a toy that is malfunctioning. Your husband "expects" his son's love. This is his first mistake. Affection is not automatically granted to biological parents....it is DEVELOPED over time.
He's two...and yes, when trusted adults are absent a lot, kids do feel rejected and they reject back. Pets do this too to some degree.
Your husband does need to join you in reading up on normal toddler social emotional and intellectual development. Maybe the local library has stuff on DVD if he is not much of a reader. good luck

Hi M.,

I have a five year old son and a 23 month old daughter. I have been home with them from the start too. My son and I have always had a special bond that daddy can not get into. But it is my daughter that has been terrible with her father! She does not want anything to do with him at all. It was so bad that I couldn't take a nap, go to the bathroom, or do anything with out her throwing a fit for me. It got really hard for my husband. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just started going back to school and my husband has had to deal with our daughter, he had no choice but to stay with her when I was gone. Things have gotten so much better. It was really hard at first and he would get upset, but he did it. TIME was the answer. The more time he spent with her, the better she got with him! I think that your hubby has just got to give more time to your son!!! My daughter still has her moments, but she spends time with her dad now and things have been so much better! Good luck!

Hi M. -

Has Dada's work environment changed? Are there new people around that may be causing some upset for your husband? Little ones are very sensitive to emotions and emotional energy around a person. Your husband could be bringing home some "emotional garbage" and your son doesn't want anything to do with it. It probably has nothing to do with your husband as the Dada - it's just the stuff he brings with him. If your husband is open, I would be happy to share some ways he could clear his energy before walking into the house. Let me know if I can help.

Blessings,

M. M. Ernsberger
Holistic Healthcare Practitioner
Certified Hypnotherapist
Certified Life Coach
Certified Clinical Herbalist