April 28, 2009,
C.A. asks from Montebello, CA on April 23, 2009
Husband Moved Out but Still Comes like He Lives in the Home. HELP!
I filed for divorce in February of 2008. My future ex came to me with a proposition. He had found a 1 bedroom apartment 4 blocks from our home. He said one of us could move there and the other stay in the home and the kids can go where ever they want. It was for the benefit of privacy. If he moved to the apartment which was on a month-to-month bases, he still wants to keep the master bedroom in our home in case he can’t make the rent and has to move back. He also said that the other person cannot go to the apartment but we can come and go from the house. This past weekend he finally moved out. The problem I have is that he has the master bedroom which has a bathroom locked and he comes to our home to do his laundry and eat dinner and nag about the house as though he is stilling living in it. It makes me sick that he has his little bachelor place and has full access as though he still lives in the house. It’s not about me having privacy, but about me and my living space being harmonious. He truly is having his cake and eating it too. He feels he has every right because I do not work and he pays all the bills.
I want to know if I have the right to change the locks and take over that bedroom and not have to wait till our court date which is in June. I got rid of my attorney because he was no good and now I’m 10 grand in debt with him and I cannot get another attorney to help me because I have no money. I just would like to have my own space.
So What Happened?™
Thank you all who responded to my email about my divorce situation. So here it is ladies. Not having an attorney at the moment did not keep me from taking some kind of action on my own at least for the mean time. So I went to file all the temporary orders for alimony and child support so that they can be on the agenda for our June 8th court date. It took me two days to get it done and have the attorneys review my paper work. It was well worth it. On the third day I went to see if I can get a restraining order on him, or something that could be a legal binding document to get him to stay out of our home. On Friday of that week we went in front of the judge. My husband with his high paying attorney to represent him and my by myself. I shot for the stars, moon, and the sun. Even if the judge said my declaration was weak, I still got what I wanted. I asked the judge if I could change the locks and take over the master bedroom and an advance call before coming to visit the children which the judge ordered for no more than an hour and “yes” to changing locks and moving into the master bedroom. I was so proud of myself because what seemed like a very small part of the divorce was a huge part of the beginning of peace and harmony in my living space.
L.M. answers from Los Angeles on April 24, 2009
C., if you have already filed your paperwork then the date of separation has already been established. If he rented the apartment for himself, then that is where he lives. You and the kids can stay in your home and you can change the locks. He lost the right to come and go at your home the day he rented the apartment. He does not get to come back and forth without your permission. He can stop paying the bills. You should get a lawyer. You can charge your attorneys' fees on a credit card and ask the court to have him pay, including the monies owed to your prior attorney. The courts are very familiar with situations just like yours. However, in going through a divorce, one seems to dwell on their circumstances and think they are unique. They are not and given time, the court and attorneys will work it out. I suggest you immediately seek the advice of a family law specialist. You don't mention how long you were married but instead state that you have been a stay at home mom for almost 10 years. if you were married that long too, then you will get spousal support in addition to your child support. I believe you are qualified as a long term marriage in california. So spousal support will be applicable to you. There are so many things that attorneys know that we do not, and every divorce is the same yet different and what applies to one may not apply to yours, so definitely retain yourself another lawyer. Ask for references. Call the Sate Bar Legal Referral in your area and get a referral. Remember, you don't have to like your attorney, you just have to have a good one. They get paid to make the decisions you are not equipped to make . Good luck and seriously, get yourself a lawyer. your kids need it and so do you.
3 moms found this helpful
I.T. answers from Bakersfield on April 24, 2009
Hopefully some of this will be helpful:
1)Try calling LA County Bar Association Referral Service: I only have the SD County number onhand but you can google it.
SD County has a program called "Modest Means" which basically provides you reduced Legal Fees if you qualify. LA County probably has it too- or somerhing like it. If he doesn't live there anymore- you'd qualify since you have no income. But since he's still coming and going, I don't if it would affect. Anyway just talk to them. The cost would be $1000 retainer and $75/hr additionally for the attorney handling your case if you qualify. (And the $1000 has to be paid up-front.)
2.) Try calling "Legal Aide Society" 877-534-2524. Again their programs are based on income- so as long as he's not living there, you should qualify, but I'm not sure, since he's still paying the bills/mortgage. Just call and talk to someone.
3) You've already filed so I don't know...but the courthouses in your county generally have "Facilitators" that will actually walk you through/I think even represent you in court. Those are usually on a walk-in, first-come, first-served basis. You'd have to go there pretty much as soon as they open because the lines usually get big right away.
I hope you do get some good info. I do not know if you could change the locks or not, but he did choose to leave. (Maybe you can call the Sheriff's office and inquire.)
By the way...PLEASE ignore the kooky lady who says "you really don't want a divorce". Just him getting an apartment to screw around in while still coming to your house, eating, and bitching about everything tells of what a low human being he is. I am sure I am not as Christian as that lady...but I'm pretty darn sure that God would not want you to continue to throw your life away by being with a jerk like that! What an example to set for his kids!
Good luck to you!
In case you have trouble locating your LA county Bar Associstion #, here is the SD County number: 800-464-1529. They could probably give you the correct one.
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J.M. answers from Los Angeles on April 23, 2009
How convenient for him.Lets see,so what hes proposing is,that you allow him to come and go as he pleases,preventing you from (Moving on) or having any hopes for happiness with anyone else in the future,while he keeps a bachelor pad for his entertainment,which is off limits to you. The first thing I'd propose is this. "You moved out,and are moving on". "This little arrangement you cooked up,is to prevent me and our children from moving on with ours." "I'm not going to allow you to move out live the single life,and attempt to control mine"."I deserve to be happy to". Your not going to come and go ,like your still a part of this marriage.Your not holding the room,and if and when you want to see the kids,you can call and check what our plans are for that day. The world doesn't stop,when you call. Please don't make things worse for yourself and me,by being controling.If he doesn't like the arangement,then when you go to court,request alimony,child support,and the home for you and the kids to live in. A judge will reward that when there are that many children involved and you aren't working.If you must,get an attorney at the last minute. You may be able to save some money that way.Jot down exactly what you want...house to live in,kids in your custody,with visitation for dad on set weekends or days. just have it all written down,and go for a counsel a week before. Tell the attorney you have a court date and need his presence.I'm sorry your having to go through this. Be strong, and don't permit your ex to intimidate you or push you around.He'll never stop.Change the locks,and tell him to start calling. If he asks why....Tell him,"Because,I may have plans,that night." : ) I wish you the best J. M
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B.S. answers from Reno on April 23, 2009
Is your name on the mortgage also? Regardless if he pays the bill....you ahve a legal right to be there and change the locks. He can't force you out. Granted...he can stop paying the bill but you are entitled to child support and in most states alimony. It isn't likely that he would stop paying the bill cause it effects his credit and credability in court. Talk to someone who would know the legality of it all....family law or something.
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on April 23, 2009
Almost every State, has a "Legal Aide" society, or "Lawyers Care" organization, some kind of pro-bono attorney services for people who cannot afford one.
I would research what there is in your State/area. And get another Attorney.
Here is a link:
You need legal representation and help. Your Ex is bullying you... with "logical" excuses. So, he knows he has you cornered so to speak. Your Ex is making all the rules, and he knows he has you stuck, because "He" pays all the bills. So you have to go along with him and his capricious whims.
Of course you are being taken advantage of.
So, get an Attorney, and seek advice.
You are both divorced. HE can't just keep staying in the home or reserving everything there for him. How selfish and "jerk" like. Sorry.
All the best,
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B.N. answers from Los Angeles on April 23, 2009
I too am going thru a divorce and know how hard it can be. He IS having his cake and eating it too! Once you go to court, are you asking for spousal support & child support? Do you own your home? If so, these are things that you will need to seperate thru the divorce. If he has a key, he is still a legal resident of your home and can come and go as he pleases. I would remind him that you ALSO have a full time job, taking care of FOUR kids. If you cannot afford an attorney, you can ask the court to appoint you one. Sounds as if he is being a bully and just doing whatever he wants. Also, if him getting his own place was for the benefit of privacy for you both, where the heck is your privacy?? I would tell him that you 2 need to sit down and set up some ground rules. Don't let him hold the fact that you are a stay at home mom over your head. If he does, then offer to get a job and he can do all that you do. I feel for you and am sorry to hear that you are going thru all of this. Keep your head held high and remember that being a mom is the toughest job of all!
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L.H. answers from Honolulu on April 24, 2009
Are you here in Honolulu? There is a one awesome attorney who just represented our case and a family attorney too. He is not at all expensive but he sure is a "don't mess with me" type of attorney. He is also awesome in arranging payments of what you can on monthly basis. As for your soon to be ex, well, your attorney can arrange that too. Your ex, could have gotten in trouble if you had a great attorney. Your soon to be ex, already moved out, so that already cut him off from having access to your house unless it has to do with the kids. What does he do? You are now living in the house. YES!!! YOU CAN CHANGE THE LOCKS and far as the master bedroom goes, IT IS YOURS AND HE HAS NO BUSINESS TELLING YOU WHAT, WHERE, AND WHEN YOU SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BE DOING ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE. Once he moves out, and already has his own place, he is already limited from having access to your place. CHANGE THE LOCKS! File for spousal support, and have him pay for half if not all of your debt. HE IS ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU YOURSELF IS ALLOWING HIM TO. HE KNOWS YOU ARE EASY TO GIVE IN TO HIS DEMANDS. I BET YOU THERE IS ALREADY A FEMALE LIVING IN THAT APARTMENT AND IF NOT, HE IS SAVING THAT APARTMENT FOR HIS PRIVATE FUN...WAKE UP AND FIRE BACK. SO WHAT IF HE IS PAYING THE BILLS? THAT'S HIS JOB. YOU YOURSELF SUPPORTED HIM AS A SPOUSE...Stand up and be strong and let him know that HE WILL NOT BE BULLYING YOU AROUND ANYMORE. IF HE THREATENS YOU TO PAY YOUR OWN RENT, LET HIM KNOW YOU WILL RECORD IT AND INFORM YOUR ATTORNEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. DON'T TELL HIM WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE IS GAINING HIMSELF FOR INFO FROM YOU SO HE CAN FORMULATE HIMSELF OF COVER UP AND PLAN OF HIS OWN...I HOPE HE IS NOT IN THE MILITARY BECAUSE YOU CAN REALLY BUST HIM GOOD :)
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S.R. answers from Los Angeles on April 24, 2009
i totally agree with Lorrie. she sounds like she knows what she is talking about! i dont know much about legal state issues, but i do know that if someone is treating you unfairly then you NEED a lawyer! you may even look into pro-bono lawyers, if there are any in your area.
also, he sounds somewhat controlling and abusive. if he doesnt leave you guys alone even after you have changed the locks and gotten an attorney, you should think about a restraining order.
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