39 answers

Husband Moved Out but Still Comes like He Lives in the Home. HELP!

I filed for divorce in February of 2008. My future ex came to me with a proposition. He had found a 1 bedroom apartment 4 blocks from our home. He said one of us could move there and the other stay in the home and the kids can go where ever they want. It was for the benefit of privacy. If he moved to the apartment which was on a month-to-month bases, he still wants to keep the master bedroom in our home in case he can’t make the rent and has to move back. He also said that the other person cannot go to the apartment but we can come and go from the house. This past weekend he finally moved out. The problem I have is that he has the master bedroom which has a bathroom locked and he comes to our home to do his laundry and eat dinner and nag about the house as though he is stilling living in it. It makes me sick that he has his little bachelor place and has full access as though he still lives in the house. It’s not about me having privacy, but about me and my living space being harmonious. He truly is having his cake and eating it too. He feels he has every right because I do not work and he pays all the bills.
I want to know if I have the right to change the locks and take over that bedroom and not have to wait till our court date which is in June. I got rid of my attorney because he was no good and now I’m 10 grand in debt with him and I cannot get another attorney to help me because I have no money. I just would like to have my own space.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you all who responded to my email about my divorce situation. So here it is ladies. Not having an attorney at the moment did not keep me from taking some kind of action on my own at least for the mean time. So I went to file all the temporary orders for alimony and child support so that they can be on the agenda for our June 8th court date. It took me two days to get it done and have the attorneys review my paper work. It was well worth it. On the third day I went to see if I can get a restraining order on him, or something that could be a legal binding document to get him to stay out of our home. On Friday of that week we went in front of the judge. My husband with his high paying attorney to represent him and my by myself. I shot for the stars, moon, and the sun. Even if the judge said my declaration was weak, I still got what I wanted. I asked the judge if I could change the locks and take over the master bedroom and an advance call before coming to visit the children which the judge ordered for no more than an hour and “yes” to changing locks and moving into the master bedroom. I was so proud of myself because what seemed like a very small part of the divorce was a huge part of the beginning of peace and harmony in my living space.

More Answers

C., if you have already filed your paperwork then the date of separation has already been established. If he rented the apartment for himself, then that is where he lives. You and the kids can stay in your home and you can change the locks. He lost the right to come and go at your home the day he rented the apartment. He does not get to come back and forth without your permission. He can stop paying the bills. You should get a lawyer. You can charge your attorneys' fees on a credit card and ask the court to have him pay, including the monies owed to your prior attorney. The courts are very familiar with situations just like yours. However, in going through a divorce, one seems to dwell on their circumstances and think they are unique. They are not and given time, the court and attorneys will work it out. I suggest you immediately seek the advice of a family law specialist. You don't mention how long you were married but instead state that you have been a stay at home mom for almost 10 years. if you were married that long too, then you will get spousal support in addition to your child support. I believe you are qualified as a long term marriage in california. So spousal support will be applicable to you. There are so many things that attorneys know that we do not, and every divorce is the same yet different and what applies to one may not apply to yours, so definitely retain yourself another lawyer. Ask for references. Call the Sate Bar Legal Referral in your area and get a referral. Remember, you don't have to like your attorney, you just have to have a good one. They get paid to make the decisions you are not equipped to make . Good luck and seriously, get yourself a lawyer. your kids need it and so do you.

3 moms found this helpful

Hopefully some of this will be helpful:

1)Try calling LA County Bar Association Referral Service: I only have the SD County number onhand but you can google it.

SD County has a program called "Modest Means" which basically provides you reduced Legal Fees if you qualify. LA County probably has it too- or somerhing like it. If he doesn't live there anymore- you'd qualify since you have no income. But since he's still coming and going, I don't if it would affect. Anyway just talk to them. The cost would be $1000 retainer and $75/hr additionally for the attorney handling your case if you qualify. (And the $1000 has to be paid up-front.)

2.) Try calling "Legal Aide Society" 877-534-2524. Again their programs are based on income- so as long as he's not living there, you should qualify, but I'm not sure, since he's still paying the bills/mortgage. Just call and talk to someone.

3) You've already filed so I don't know...but the courthouses in your county generally have "Facilitators" that will actually walk you through/I think even represent you in court. Those are usually on a walk-in, first-come, first-served basis. You'd have to go there pretty much as soon as they open because the lines usually get big right away.

I hope you do get some good info. I do not know if you could change the locks or not, but he did choose to leave. (Maybe you can call the Sheriff's office and inquire.)

By the way...PLEASE ignore the kooky lady who says "you really don't want a divorce". Just him getting an apartment to screw around in while still coming to your house, eating, and bitching about everything tells of what a low human being he is. I am sure I am not as Christian as that lady...but I'm pretty darn sure that God would not want you to continue to throw your life away by being with a jerk like that! What an example to set for his kids!

Good luck to you!
-I.

PS
In case you have trouble locating your LA county Bar Associstion #, here is the SD County number: 800-464-1529. They could probably give you the correct one.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi C.:
How convenient for him.Lets see,so what hes proposing is,that you allow him to come and go as he pleases,preventing you from (Moving on) or having any hopes for happiness with anyone else in the future,while he keeps a bachelor pad for his entertainment,which is off limits to you. The first thing I'd propose is this. "You moved out,and are moving on". "This little arrangement you cooked up,is to prevent me and our children from moving on with ours." "I'm not going to allow you to move out live the single life,and attempt to control mine"."I deserve to be happy to". Your not going to come and go ,like your still a part of this marriage.Your not holding the room,and if and when you want to see the kids,you can call and check what our plans are for that day. The world doesn't stop,when you call. Please don't make things worse for yourself and me,by being controling.If he doesn't like the arangement,then when you go to court,request alimony,child support,and the home for you and the kids to live in. A judge will reward that when there are that many children involved and you aren't working.If you must,get an attorney at the last minute. You may be able to save some money that way.Jot down exactly what you want...house to live in,kids in your custody,with visitation for dad on set weekends or days. just have it all written down,and go for a counsel a week before. Tell the attorney you have a court date and need his presence.I'm sorry your having to go through this. Be strong, and don't permit your ex to intimidate you or push you around.He'll never stop.Change the locks,and tell him to start calling. If he asks why....Tell him,"Because,I may have plans,that night." : ) I wish you the best J. M

2 moms found this helpful

Is your name on the mortgage also? Regardless if he pays the bill....you ahve a legal right to be there and change the locks. He can't force you out. Granted...he can stop paying the bill but you are entitled to child support and in most states alimony. It isn't likely that he would stop paying the bill cause it effects his credit and credability in court. Talk to someone who would know the legality of it all....family law or something.

2 moms found this helpful

Almost every State, has a "Legal Aide" society, or "Lawyers Care" organization, some kind of pro-bono attorney services for people who cannot afford one.
I would research what there is in your State/area. And get another Attorney.

Here is a link:
http://lawyers.justia.com/lawyers/criminal-law/california...

You need legal representation and help. Your Ex is bullying you... with "logical" excuses. So, he knows he has you cornered so to speak. Your Ex is making all the rules, and he knows he has you stuck, because "He" pays all the bills. So you have to go along with him and his capricious whims.

Of course you are being taken advantage of.
So, get an Attorney, and seek advice.
You are both divorced. HE can't just keep staying in the home or reserving everything there for him. How selfish and "jerk" like. Sorry.

All the best,
Susan

2 moms found this helpful

C.,
I too am going thru a divorce and know how hard it can be. He IS having his cake and eating it too! Once you go to court, are you asking for spousal support & child support? Do you own your home? If so, these are things that you will need to seperate thru the divorce. If he has a key, he is still a legal resident of your home and can come and go as he pleases. I would remind him that you ALSO have a full time job, taking care of FOUR kids. If you cannot afford an attorney, you can ask the court to appoint you one. Sounds as if he is being a bully and just doing whatever he wants. Also, if him getting his own place was for the benefit of privacy for you both, where the heck is your privacy?? I would tell him that you 2 need to sit down and set up some ground rules. Don't let him hold the fact that you are a stay at home mom over your head. If he does, then offer to get a job and he can do all that you do. I feel for you and am sorry to hear that you are going thru all of this. Keep your head held high and remember that being a mom is the toughest job of all!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,
Are you here in Honolulu? There is a one awesome attorney who just represented our case and a family attorney too. He is not at all expensive but he sure is a "don't mess with me" type of attorney. He is also awesome in arranging payments of what you can on monthly basis. As for your soon to be ex, well, your attorney can arrange that too. Your ex, could have gotten in trouble if you had a great attorney. Your soon to be ex, already moved out, so that already cut him off from having access to your house unless it has to do with the kids. What does he do? You are now living in the house. YES!!! YOU CAN CHANGE THE LOCKS and far as the master bedroom goes, IT IS YOURS AND HE HAS NO BUSINESS TELLING YOU WHAT, WHERE, AND WHEN YOU SHOULD AND SHOULD NOT BE DOING ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE. Once he moves out, and already has his own place, he is already limited from having access to your place. CHANGE THE LOCKS! File for spousal support, and have him pay for half if not all of your debt. HE IS ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU YOURSELF IS ALLOWING HIM TO. HE KNOWS YOU ARE EASY TO GIVE IN TO HIS DEMANDS. I BET YOU THERE IS ALREADY A FEMALE LIVING IN THAT APARTMENT AND IF NOT, HE IS SAVING THAT APARTMENT FOR HIS PRIVATE FUN...WAKE UP AND FIRE BACK. SO WHAT IF HE IS PAYING THE BILLS? THAT'S HIS JOB. YOU YOURSELF SUPPORTED HIM AS A SPOUSE...Stand up and be strong and let him know that HE WILL NOT BE BULLYING YOU AROUND ANYMORE. IF HE THREATENS YOU TO PAY YOUR OWN RENT, LET HIM KNOW YOU WILL RECORD IT AND INFORM YOUR ATTORNEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE. DON'T TELL HIM WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE IS GAINING HIMSELF FOR INFO FROM YOU SO HE CAN FORMULATE HIMSELF OF COVER UP AND PLAN OF HIS OWN...I HOPE HE IS NOT IN THE MILITARY BECAUSE YOU CAN REALLY BUST HIM GOOD :)

1 mom found this helpful

i totally agree with Lorrie. she sounds like she knows what she is talking about! i dont know much about legal state issues, but i do know that if someone is treating you unfairly then you NEED a lawyer! you may even look into pro-bono lawyers, if there are any in your area.

also, he sounds somewhat controlling and abusive. if he doesnt leave you guys alone even after you have changed the locks and gotten an attorney, you should think about a restraining order.

1 mom found this helpful

Call an attorney and pay for an hour of their time, but bring a list of questions to make it financially feasible.

Changing the locks seems like a logical thing to do, especially since he has rented a new place and established a new residence - and HE left. You need to clean out his mater bedroom. That's ridiculous. Is this playing house or is it a divorce? It doesn't have to be ugly, but someone needs to get a backbone and not keep drawing lines in the sand.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear C.,
I have never written to Mamasource before but when I read your letter I was seeing red!!! You have every right to have the Master Bedroom...For God's sakes,you are raising the four children..You said you don't work....well, I beg to differ...you don't work outside the house but having raised two children I know how much work you do.A huge amount of work.!!!!:The cooking,cleaning ,driving,doing homework with the kids,laundry,giving kids baths and reading bedtime stories,tucking them in at night.......Then your husband comes by to use the facilities: the washer and dryer, eat your food and complain about your house on top of it!!!!! OH my Gosh.....KICK the bum out!!! I am slightly exaggerating../..but mean..Tell him he has his place and you have yours..He should no longer eat,shower ,or do laundry at your house...It is now YOUR house!!..He should make an appointment when he wants to come see the kids..like every Saturday for instance. If he gives you a hard time ,which he probably will....Change the locks on that bedroom...You are the Mom!!! YOu are the one spending ALL DAY taking care of four lively children.You also deserve your privacy......(He wants you to stay away from his apartment....to me that mean ONE THING.. HE might have a girl friend..or plan to have COMPANY in the near future and doesn't want you to spoil his fun!!!!!! IT works both ways....You need privacy too.....He should not be allowed to just come sauntering in any old time he feels like it.. Anne Landers used to say "People can only take advantage of you if you let them" It is so true...So speak up for yourself and good luck hon..
Sincerely,
MaryJo H.

1 mom found this helpful

C.
I hope the best for you! Try calling Free leagal Aid, they are a free service. But June is and looks so far away! But if I were you I would try to change the locks.unless he is an angry person and you would be in danger. If you leave in Cali and need to talk to someone call me ok ###-###-####work.
D.:)

1 mom found this helpful

I suggest you go to "handelonthelaw.com" and find either a family practice attorney ...or divorce attorney....first consultation is free....and hopefully they can make recommendations from there. I'm miserable for you!!!

If that doesn't work....the web site.... go to 640am.com and look under the hosts for Bill Handel, then to handelonthelaw....hope this works out.

:) P.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like he is controlling you. Tell him firmly that you are divorcing for a reason and that means total separation. He made the decision to get his own place and you should have yours. You can tell him to spend time with the kids at his place and when you have them, its your time and your place. It's only going to confuse the kids if he is coming and going as he pleases and also putting stress on you. Be firm and stick your grounds. If he is a decent father, he will want the kids to stay in the house and have as much stability as possible during a divorce. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

OMG. I had a very similar situation. What hell! You should have sole possession of the master bedroom and bath! He has his pad. If he wants to come to your house he needs to ask first. I would change the locks. Be very polite and civil. Take the high road, but don't let him walk all over you.

I feel for you...I have 3 elem. age boys and it was very hard the first couple of years. Get a good support system, join a single moms group. If you belong to a church/synog. whatever, maybe they have a divorce support group. Your local community should have one. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

i would tell him that you dont mind him comming over but hes going to have a set time to do so. say durring the week he can come over from 5-9p or something like that. he does make a point about having some right to go there if hes paying the bills. i would say that if you dont want him there then you should try to find a job and be on your own. then once you save up enough then you can get all the bills for the house in your name. i dont think the judge will be in your favor if your not payin the bills for the house. but i dont know lol. the only other thing i could suggest is that you let him have the house and you take the appartment. then you can have your private space and he can have the house he seems to want anyways.

1 mom found this helpful

C.,

The law depends on what state you live in and there is paper work you can actually do yourself. Trust me when I say that I understand your frustration, I went through the same thing 2 years ago. My ex moved out in Feb. 2006 and was in and out until mid April. Before he moved out, I only worked part-time and I took care of the kids, because he worked 60-70 hrs a week. A few weeks after he left, I got a full-time job, I would come home in the afternoon and he would be relaxing in the recliner watching TV. It drove me crazy!!! I had to actually have him evicted, even though he didn't live there. Once he was evicted, I changed the locks, he was UPSET to say the least and refused to pay any bills or provide any type of financial support. We had been married for 10 yrs., I was able to file for temporary maintenance and was awarded 692.00/mo. for child support(and we have 1 child) and 1000.00/mo alimony, which the District Attorney's office (Support enforcement) was able to garnish it from his check, so he ended up paying the bills anyway. I did the forms myself, they were free on the court's website.

1 mom found this helpful

C.,

Did you really file in 2008? And, he's still coming and going? I would go to your local courthouse and talk to the Family Law advisors they have there. Explain what happened with your attorney and ask them what your option are. Have you had a court date yet? Were you awarded posession of the home for the children or was there a need for assesment of assets?

Here's the thing if you don't have a judgement yet, you need to get one soon! And you don't need an attorney to do that. Go to the courthouse and request a court date, if you have one already, ask for them to push it up because the situation is causing stress.

In your paperwork make sure you outline your 'wishlist' as my attorney calls it, what do you really want from the situation and why? What should visitation look like? What do you want as far as alimony and child support?

Before you run out and change the locks, I would ask him to sit down and talk with you about creating a visitation plan for now that works for everyone. Be honest and tell him you need some time away from him to create an life independent of your marriage and that this would be best for the kids too. Outline days and times that he can come and do laundry if he needs, and of course time he can take the kids.

In my opinion, he is taking advantage of the fact that HE is the one paying the bills and trying to keep the life he had before without having to let go. While he has a right to see his kids, it doesn't make sense that he comes and goes as he pleases. My situation was kind of the opposite and I was the one who left, but I handed over the keys to condo and the gate access remote...there was no need for me to keep up like it was still my home. How was I going to move on if I pretended like I was happy being in a house with someone who I was no longer in a relationship with?

Even if you can't get an attorney because of funds, make sure you get some good sound legal advice. I am up to my ears in debt so, I know that feels...just protect you and your children's best interests.

Good Luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

No, you can't change the locks. My sister's husband did that to her and she called the cops and had him arrested for domestic violence. So, it's not a good idea to change the locks. Until you are finally divorced by law, he is legally allowed to enter your home. And, legally, you have the right to file a restraining order to keep him away from you. That is how you get around changing your locks.

I do feel sorry that you had to read all these pathetic responses of women who don't have their life together because they were unable to effectively communicate to their husbands...Pull it together, hire a lawyer (even if you are in debt) and get it done, or wind up like them and complain about it for the rest of your life.

C., you are going to have to make a decision. If you want a divorce, you will probably have to get a job of some sort. Also, he is having his cake and eating it to. I would change the locks (myself), but I am also not you and don't know the extent of your situation. If he is paying all the bills and still making the money he does have some say, but to say that you have to stay in another room to leave that open for him, that is just ridiculous. If he can't make the rent in the other place, then move back out of the room. It's not his to lay claim on if he is not living there now.

Hi Crmen, first let me say I'm sorry you feel that you need a divorce from your husband, there's a few things to look at here from my opinion, did he move out on his own or did you ask him too, I'll tell you it's not wasy paying for two house holds, I believe if he's paying the bills there he has the right to be there, there should be some kind of a compremise that will work for both of you, and be in the best interest of your 4 children. I would not change the locks, sweetie that is as much his home as it is yours, I'm know I'm probably not telling you what you want to hear, but wen we are angry or upset we don't usually look at things in perspective. Did you both once share the master bedrom together? and did you move out of it when he moved out?I think you both should sit and talk work out a reasonable arrangment, and come up with one that meets the needs of the whole family. J. L.

My best friend went through a similar situation a year ago -- stay at home mom, married for almost 15 years, 4 kids, hubby decides to move out. They actually resolved issues and he moved back in after 9 months -- but i'll tell you what i told her when she was going through it -- change the locks -- it's not his house anymore if he has decided to move out. He's still obligated to take care of you and the kids, at least until your court date. Do try to get a lawyer, though -- sounds like you're going to need it. My thoughts and prayers are withh you -- i know it's a very difficult time -- for you and the kids.

Hello C.!

You need clear rules:

I would make one day a week he is allowed to join you for dinner. no more. If he wants to eat with the kids - take them over to his apartment.

If he can't pay the rent you can always work with him on that ( read: HOTEL ROOM ) or if you really have to as a last resort, he can use the guest room ( smaller room ) - you really don't want him to be too comfortable when he in your house!!!

It is not appropriate that he makes nasty comments while in your house. It is not his business how you run it. Tell him he needs to act like a guest when here or he will not be welcomed anymore. If he wants to visit with the kids - drop them off at his place for crying out loud!

He does not need a key to the house. He is not welcome to be there if you are not there. Just ask him to give the key back.

If he refuses and says he needs it to be with the kids while you are somewhere else I recommend you move into the master suit and lock that up when you are gone - you need your privacy to keep a sane mind.

Make all other rooms of the house open for public, keep all your private things in the larger suite.

Move ALL his belongings to his new space.

I am a mother of 4 and I can not imagine what you go through I am truly sorry. I hope I did not come off rude. it makes me so mad when I read about your situation. My sister just went through the same thing and these suggestions worked well for her. She is so much happier and she is able to be a much better mother!!!

I wish you all the best! And good luck with your quest for your freedom!!!
sincerely,
C.

Hi C.,

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. It seems his apartment does not come with a lot of accommodations, however, I am sure it comes with a closet. I think he can move his belongings out of the master bedroom and give that back to you. There is nothing the law can do to you for moving stuff in your home...it is your home and you live there.

On the other hand, personally, I would do what I could to make this work for the kids. I don't me lie in bed with him, but arrange a schedule with him. Sit down with him and have an adult talk. Make a schedule so he can come on Wednesdays from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m., do his laundry, eat all 3 meals with the kids and come and go for the day. He can't have 4 kids visit in a 1 bedroom apartment. In the mean while, you save your errands for that day and make a day of it.

Once you go to court, you can state your concerns and as I write this one comes to mind. If you don't feel well that day and need to rest, you may not be up to spending the day at in the heat all day. Hopefully, the two of you can come up with a solution that works best for both of you so that he can visit the kids and you can keep the house with the kids. Personally, I really hate hearing of situations where the parents fight in the background while the kids are just there.

Ask for some alimony so you can finish an education or to get yourself back in the working field. If you children are school aged, it should be time to go back to work now anyway.

Best of luck.

Went through a similar thing 6 years ago. hubby moved out...i kept the house w/3 kids,(7,4,1then) He came into the home to "get" a tv...when I called the police they said they could do nothing because he is still on the deed and there is no straining order against him or court order saying he could not be there. The locks were changed, but I could not press charges or nothing could be done. A very frustrating situation. I too wanted to move on. He would not divorce me for 3 years!!! Ca is a 50/50 state. VERY few exceptions! Property split 50/50, debt split 50/50. We(he) had debt to his family for personal loans, no contract so HE had to pay that back but any credit card or loans w/banks etc are 50/50. Why it took so long....honestly LAWYERS!!! They want MONEY! If for some reason you get a room mate of the opposite sex alimony will cease. Not sure why you are not done w/divorce, but if there is no "reason" to hang on, finish it. The support (you and children) is all done with a program it takes them a whole 30 seconds to input his income and a few things and BAM!! you have numbers. Any ways, you can call the police and ask them if there is something you can do. But I was told not until there is some order in place. I would be happy to answer any questions I can...good luck.

My sister is going through the same thing. She is not sure what to do either. We are interested in what you other moms have to say.

If he is paying the bills he can do as he pleases. It's all his. Finalize your divorce, get a place of your own or petition the court to get the house, and get a job. You are going to have to make money of your own. You can file for spousal support for the length of the time that you were married per state of california, but like another poster said it will be based on dad's income and how much he can have taken out and still afford to live comfortably. My fiance pays only $400 a month and they were married for 19 years... $300 of that goes to joint bills that they consolidated... so that should tell you something. It's not a get rich quick scheme. Good luck!

You are not togather and yet you are still so dependent to have him support you and pay all your bills. You are going to have to begin to support yourself. Granted, you will receive child support, and maybe spousal support should you choose. But that will not be enough to cover rent, bills, extra curricilar activities, food.
Free yourself from that. If you cannot live in that house, move. You are not his wife, it is not his job to support you. Support his children yes, it sounds like you get some cake and eat it too.
Granted what he is doing is WRONG, and i am so sorry you have to deal with that. I would change the locks out of frustration.
I think if you could find some kind of job and not be dependant on him supporting you, you would find a freedom that would be rewarding. I hope for your sanity, there is a resolution soon! Hang in there, i am sure there will be hard times ahead. Don't lose in your joy in any of this.

First off I'd tell him to grow up. He can't have his cake & eat it to. I sounds like he thinks as long as he can come & go in your home like he still lives their then he can come to your bedroom for those priviliges. So you better set him straight.He chose to have you stay at home, so he can't use that as a reason for coming into the home you shared as a couple after you are divorced. Figure out a way to make your own money. If these are not you children you are driving around, then other parents must trust you with their children. Start a business transporting peoples kids, then you can charge& earn some money. If not I would figure out other ways to be independent of your soon to be X other wise he sounds like he is going to try & use the I the breadwinner to push his way into your live.Their has to be something wrong in the relationship or you would be divorcing him so do every thing you can to make a clean break & become independent of him. Good Luck!

Get legal aid as fast as you can. Do you want to end up beat up or dead?
The man is a nut. You must get help.......
Perhaps the local police or your church etc. or your kid;s school principal, anyone you can think of, can advise you of who gives legal aid. You need help ASAP.
Good luck,
B. v. O.

Hello, Can you go to work? Maybe if you are paying at least some of the bills, you can feel more in control. Once you would have a job, you can tell him that he needs to stay out. He should have to knock on YOUR door before being allowed in. As far as the children are concerned, he should be helping in running them to and from their activities. You would have to put them into either daycare or before/after school programs. I know it is a big step, but you can do it and gain your independence.
Good luck, K. K.

C.,

Do you have any relatives that you can move in with and also, get you a parttime job, and some gov help meanwhile you get on your feet.

It's a tough situation you are on but you need all the help you can get at this time, even if you have to put your pride aside.

C. B.

Do not let him control you anymore continue to be the STRONG women you have been and do not give into him. He is not 100% owner of the home or money it's 50/50 baby and you have the same rights as he does. It will be hard until the divorce is final and he will have to pay child support and then it will be 100% all yours (the child support you get) and he will have no say over you or your money. Set the ground rules and if he doesn't want to follow along take the apartment for your sanity it's only for a short while but it will be peaceful for you I don't think you can legally keep him out of the house but call the police station and lawyer and ask but I would change the locks in the master bedroom why does he need a room when he has the apartment he is just being a jerk. Keep us posted and best of luck to you and your children.

You and your husband need clearer boundaries. Wanting a harmonious environment is a big deal but don't negate your need for privacy also. Your privacy is an equally important issue as well. I don't think I need to tell you that this situation is not a healthy one and I'm not sure if it is an equal one either.

I know that you feeling burned by your previous attorney and worried about the debt that you have incurred but I would suggest asking around and trying to find another attorney that you can feel confident with to handle your case. You are too emotionally involved and maybe too naive (with regard to the law and divorce actions) to make the best decisions for you in the long run. As soon as possible, your husband needs to have his place and you need to have your separate place and the only time he should be at your house is when you invite him or are expecting him. Once your separate spaces have been established, it will be a lot easier for the healing process to start.

Wishing you the best of luck.

In my opinion this is not an acceptable arrangement. I noticed you live in CA. We are a community property state - what he earns is legally half yours. He may not like it, but that's how it is. You are entitled to spousal support along with child support. You must get a good attorney. It's really important that you safeguard your rights while looking out for your kids future. Do it today, and after consultation with your attorney I'd get a good locksmith.

I'm sure this is more than painful and somewhat paralyzing but you've got to step up. Only you can make these changes. Best of luck.

I am very sorry for the situtation that you are in. I would change all the locks so that he cannot come and go as he pleases. Not only that for the safety of you and your children. I know that he may not hurt you but if he has access to the house when you are not there he may be bring people into your home and I know as a mother I would not want that. HE has his own place now so you need to make your home your place. He has no right to have his cake and eat it to. He should be invited at all times into your home. I hope that this helps a little. Good Luck to you!

I've been through this. You take the master bedroom, change the locks and he needs to call and make an appointment to see the kids. If he violates anything, get a protective order. Someone had given me this advice, but I didn't listen and have been paying for it for 18 years. Also, be prepared it's going to get ugly no matter what HE says. He may have installed a nanny cam or other spy device. He may be swiping things too. Check everything and get a PI to screen your home for spy equipment. Change the passwords on your emails too. I've made these suggestions to close friends who foolishly chose to ignore them. Those people are wishing that they had listened. Whenever there's a divorce, behavior changes and becomes irrational.

The behavior that shows up is reinforced, C., what is your part in this play?

You also can educate yourself about the law, obviously you have a computer and can get online.

I'm hearing helplessness, is this what you want your kids to know about you?

This is not okay!!! He should not be coming back and forth like that. Get an attorney as soon as possible. Someone already said it and it is true that the court can order him to help pay for your attorney fees.

And by the way, you do work. You take care of the house and kids, you just don't get paid for it. Half of his pay check is legally yours until you get divorced and you deserve it for what you do at home. I can not stand it when men think of their pay check as their own and not their family's money. I earn more than my husband and I would never think that the difference is "my money". That being said, if all of your children are school aged, I would start looking for a job, even if it is just part time while the kids are at school. Bringing home your own money could be very empowering for you.

Hi C.,

My sister is going through something very similar to you and I have told her to contact the social services office. From your phone I believe you can just dial 211, it's kind of like a "411" service, but for these types of issues.
They helped me with so much and I know if they cant help you they will give information on who to contact and what your options are.
He shouldnt be able to just come and go as he pleases if you are divorcing. That usually means severing ALL marital ties...right? (except the kid's of course)
Don't give up and be strong. This to shall pass and you will come out victorious.
Good luck to you and your children.
M. A.

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