Husband Might Not Want a Second Child

I would drop the subject for a couple months. Is he having a stressful time in school right now? Maybe in the summer when there is less stress, I would bring it up again. As far as the gap, I'm 4 years younger than my older sister and we are best friends. My younger sister is 6 years younger than me and we are very close.

Hi C.! I can certainly understand your frustration. My husband and I had similar conversations a few months ago and I had a heightened sense of urgency being 35! A few things you might want to share with your husband:

1) Pregnancy is not a science. There is no guarantee that you will get pregnant when you "want to". My husband will now definitely attest to this. We had our DD after only 2 months of trying! So my hubby naturally thought we'd do the same the second time around so he put off trying for #2 much longer than I wanted. We're on month 9 of trying now and have been seeing a fertility specialist for 3 months with no results. So just because things happened easily the first time around is no guarantee. My hubby now says he realizes we should have started much earlier.

2) No one is ever really "ready" - and he'll have 9-10 months to prepare. Its not like once you decide you'll get PG that night and deliver a baby the next week! He'll have time to get his head around it.

However, having said all that, a marriage is compromise so if he truly strongly is not ready - then its not right to force him to be... as much as you may want it. And I see from your info that you stay at home (mostly) and he is in school. No matter how forward thinking our men are, they are still hardwired to be the provider for the family so maybe that is freaking him out a little bit - maybe he's afraid financially he will not be able to meet the family's needs. So just talk with him, be sensitive to what he's trying to tell you, and then come to a decision together! Maybe meet in the middle time-wise. And even if its longer than you want to wait - the result will be a beautiful child so that can never be bad! Good luck!

Well, husband is back in school, so he is worried how things are going to be and how to pay for the additional needs when he doesn't have a confidence of where he is going to end up - work-wise, right? Plus, we have one healthy child, and he does not want more. I think you won't "convince" him of anything, unless you support whatever reasons he has with discussion and proper rebuttal to defuse the issues he brings up. I don't know everything, but my first husband just walked out. If things don't suit us, we usually make changes. If he is ADAMANTLY OPPOSED, YOU need to be serious, cautious and help him understand that by keeping your children close in age, they relate and play together as siblings, share the best of attentions when the family time is focused on being a family, and use your energies when you are young and able. I ended up with only one child, and raising a single only child is difficult. It is hard for them not be be spoiled, and lack relationship in some ways. It is also difficult to be an only child at the mercy of two parents, with differing ideaologies (I can't begin to tell you how difficult). But, if this can't be resolved immediately, I would want to know whether his intentions are EVER to add to family, and if you know that you MUST have more family, then you have choices to make, also. This is a subject which is LOADED WITH EMOTIONS. IF someone feels forced to be a parent, the child borne can experience rejection from that parent. your best and safest course would be to resolve this with additional professional input (Dr., or a therapist). not sure if hubby will consider that, but it IS THAT IMPORTANT. Best of luck to you. Maybe, too you might consider your expectationhs. If your child is between 2 & 3, and you get pregnant a year from now, then your child would be 4 by the time the new arrival comes. There is room to compromise, but also it is very important to plan. . .and to NOT let this become a battle that destroys the most important piece - that relationship with your husband that you desire. Maybe his message is related to that primarily. We do not have any way to know. But, you might need to explore that as well. Some guys just don't know how to talk with their wives about these really critifcal decisions. Fear should never rule a decision. If you lack a contact with God, try working with that subject. Your children will need it when your resources are not enough: as a person who has survived many things, I will say I would never underestimate that entity in your marriage and lives together. It is never to late for God to fix anything. But, we need to turn to and address HIM.
I hope this has given you some insight.
M

I was in EXACTLY the same situation as you about 6 - 9 months ago! My daughter will be 3 this June. At that time, I was ready to try for #2 and my husband wasn't (even though I'd always said I wanted 2 - 3 kids and I think 3 years in between is ideal). I basically just talked about another child without begging or pleading to get him used to the idea - a lot of the time just fun stuff like "if we have another baby what names do you like?". I also talked about the benefits of having a sibling for our daughter. In addition, I reminded him about how he had insisted that he wasn't ready for #1 at the time, but how that had quickly changed after I got pregnant. (He's even a stay-at-home dad now, and loving it!) After a couple of months of that, I made an appointment to have my IUD removed. I told him that we would have to wait at least a month after it was removed to start trying and if after that month he was totally against getting pregnant we'd use condoms. Essentially, I made the decision but gave him veto power. Well, guess what . . . Most guys don't like condoms or just get "caught up in the moment." I got pregnant a couple of months after that and he was okay with it. I am now in my second trimester and my husband is very excited about the new baby. I have a feeling that in a year from now, he will never remember that he "wasn't ready for baby #2." Best of luck to you!

I asked my husband your question and he said "having a child is demanding proposition. It takes a lot of resources." He says for men a lot of practical issues come up, the demands on time and resources, having time for both the wife and the child, job security, the drag on the marriage.

For women it is a much more emotional and hormonal issue, having a lot less to do with the practical side of things. For instance, my husband was not ready to start trying until we were more financially secure and living in a better place and had a higher standard of living. (broke and living in a distressed trailer house is no time to have a baby. )

My husband said a lot has to do with current circumstances too. As far as having a second child, or when to have a second one. "Did he sleep on the couch for nine months? Do they still have a toddler in sleeping in their bed with them?" We had a really rough time with our son and my hubby did sleep on the couch for almost an entire year while I co-slept with our son. We now all sleep in a family bed, which my husband does not like, but works best for me and our son right now. Did you have a rough time at first with your daughter? could that be reason your husband is hesitating about a second?

I noticed your husband is going to school and you work part time? Is he worried about your finances? This is always a biggie for my husband. Especially now with the unemployment rate so high and job security not so secure anymore.

My short answer is that you can't "convince" him to "be ready". And if he is anything like my husband, putting any pressure on him with make him back even further away from the idea. I waited more than a few years to start trying for our son, and I have been wanting a second for about a year now, but we have just begun to open a dialog about it very recently.

Not that your husband would abandon you and your child, but I believe it is better to have both parents fully on board when it comes to a planned pregnancy. It was hard waiting for my husband come around to being ready to start for our son, and it is hard now waiting and not knowing if he will ever be ready for a second child, but I definitely feel it is worth waiting for him to for him to be ready on his own without pressure from his wife.

The best advice I can give you for getting him in a more ready frame of mind without pushing him is to try to get together with other couples who have two young children so he can see what it is like for others.

I hope this has been helpful Feel free to send me a private message if you would like to talk more about this.
Jen

I have heard of similar situations such as yours. The situation I heard of was that the dad regressed when he was "pushed," into having a second child. He was a wonderful parent when there was just one child but, when the second came along he became lazy and wouldn't interact with the children as much. I don't mean to send a scary message to you that this will be your situation. However, maybe you and your husband have to sit down and talk over things. If he is in school maybe he is hesitant because he worries about being able to afford another child. Men tend to think of the financial aspects first before thinking about the joy another child would bring. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about the pro's and con's ( I hate to write that, children are wonderful). Lastly, he may also enjoy the way life is with you and your daughter. Perhaps he is afraid that life will not be as great as it is now? I hope my two cents have helped!

My sister and I are 5 1/2 years apart. Although we are mostly friends now.we were not friends growing up because of our age differences. On the other hand, my cousins are 4 years apart and they are friends. It can work to have that big of a spread, and the older the older child, the more help they can be.

in my case, I had a wishywashy husband too, I convinced him to "casually" see what happens, we ended up with my daughter when my son was 2 yrs 8 months and we couldn't be happier.

Good luck!

HI
Our first was born October 6 2004 and our second was born October 17 2008. Our first has been a big help. She will do anything for her sister. She wants to hold her "stister" and becomes concerned when she cries for more than 5 minutes. Watching our first is our seconds favorite thing to do. I do not think that I could have handled 2 in diapers. Our first has an understanding about the second needing attention. I think that it would have been a lot harder on our first if she had been younger. The time that I spend with each one is different. Our baby needs to be held and is shy. Our 4 year old loves to play. The difference in play is nice. When they both get clingy it becomes a lot harder to do things.

It takes a women's body 4 years to recover from being pregnant. Wouldn't you like to be as healthy as you can before becoming pregnant again. Having children to close together can cause problems for your body in years to come.

I hope that some of this makes cents and is helpful.

My advise, lay off for a while and bring it up again. We went through this with the 2nd. My husband said he was content with 1 child and I didn't want an only child b/c I felt he needed a playmate and I knew he would be VERY spoiled if there wasn't a sibling. Plus I wanted another child. Well, I pushed the issue and we started trying... it took almost a year to conceive the 2nd (during which time there were 2 miscarriages). the miscarriages devastated me and my husband was somewhat supportive but not really like I wanted as I could tell that he didn't want the 2nd child. When I finally got pregnant, during the entire pregnancy he would make comments like "this one is all on you, I didn't want another, blah blah". It would make me cry and feel resentment towards him. As soon as we had our daughter then of course it changed and he has never made another comment and worships her. Personally for me, I felt like I was going through the pregnancy by myself and a lot of resentment was there.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful! He just has issues as he was the middle child and felt he was never good enough for his parents and I think he felt that our son would get ignored.

There are pros and cons to this issue of pushing or waiting but I would suggest having a real discussion with him about why he wants to hold out? Could it be financial? personal? Economy? Unless you understand his viewpoint or know what it is, you will dwell on it.

The only thing I would have changed with my second pregnancy would be to have him 100% supportive like he was with our son and knock off the comments. Everytime I would miscarry I truly felt like I was on my own and I really started to hate him for it. Our relationship is better and I knew why he said things but still it hurt.

You want him to be there and supportive b/c heaven forbid you have problems conceiving you want support.

hi, this is okema. Caras sister. i have 2 girls just over 2 years apart i i think the 4 year age gap is great. my spouse and i are even planning to have another 4 years apart from our 2nd. the only thing is that our oldest did become slightly jealous. but she was a great help. i always let her help when she wanted to. the change from being the only child for four years plus being the only grandchild on her daddys side of the family was a little hard. now that one is 6 and one is 4 they have been playing very well together. hope this helps.

C.,
I feel for ya - I remember going through this myself. My husband and I decided that we would like two children. He wanted them two yrs apart... I wanted them three yrs apart. I didn't want them too close because I didn't want two in diapers. I don't recall his reasoning.

It didn't work out either way... they are five yrs apart. When my son was potty trained, my husband was liking the fact he didn't have to bring so much stuff along to places. As some would say he (my son) was getting easier. My hubby started to tell me that he was content with just one and gave me his reasons why. I was very hurt because we planned on two and I still wanted that second. It took awhile before he changed his mind... then you have to figure on the time to conceive... and voila - five yrs. apart.

My suggestion... don't push too hard. It may be good to drop the idea for a little while. Your hubby could have some stresses at school and it may be a good idea to wait a month or two when he is off for the summer. Then bring it up again. If he isn't ready, ask if he will at least think about it. Even though it's not a "yes", it's at least not a "no". Then give him some thinking time and bring it up at a later time. I know this is probably hard for you, but if you push too much - you may push the idea further away. Be sure you have a good heart to heart talked so you both understand your reasons why to have/not have another.

Personally, I don't regret the five yr. difference between my son and daughter. My son was a HUGE help for me (not as much now... but still does). When she was in our room, he insisted on laying on the floor next to the pack 'n play (not sleep in his room) "in case she needs me mom". He was the first to get her to giggle. They still insist on being in the same bedroom. Although they have their squabbles, they are great friends. He is a pretty good big brother, and she likes to act like a little mother. They are now 8 and 3. The age gap isn't as big a deal as I thought it would be (at least for now anyway).

Give it time. It will come. Send me a private message if you have any questions or just want to talk. I know what you're going through.

Hang in there,
~SR

I'm just noticing as I read your request that people almost always say, "How can I convince him?" rather than ,"How can we come to an agreement?" If you get clear about your reasons (not just "I feel ready") and share them with him, and really listen to his reasons, probably you will come to a place somewhere in the middle that you can both be happy with. Also, if you are clear that loving him and being happy are more important than how many children you have, or when, it will be a lot easier to find a solution.

Also, as a junior high teacher, I sometimes have siblings together in the same class. I ache for them. It seems soooo much kinder to have them be a little further apart in age, and let each one have his/her own junior high experience without a sibling reporting it all to the parents.

My two daughters are 4 years apart, and as adults they are best friends.

I know that as a woman when you are ready for a child, you are ready! BUT, if you'r not careful this can turn into a very sticky situation very quickly. My sister-in-law was in almost the same situation about a year ago. She wanted another baby-for many reasons including- so her first son would not be "too old" by the time the second one arrived. She 'convinced' her husband and well, they now have another boy. He has never fed him, never changed even one diaper, and she is now a stay-at-home mom only because her husband does not want to watch both of his kids. SO--I feel so strongly that when a man says he does not want a baby right now that you need to sit down and have a in-depth conversation with him to find out why!! Put your points out there too, but if he still says he is not ready it could really start to ruin a relationship. Being a parent can be very stressful at times and the more children you have the more stressful it can be. My biggest recomendation is to talk talk talk!! Communication is key in any marriage! Good Luck!!

My daughter was 4 years 3 months when baby #2 was born. We hadn't planned on there being that big of a gap, but it took us over a year to conceive #2. It has been a blessing in disguise. The 4 year old has been GREAT with her baby sister. I was nervous the gap would be too much, but it's been wonderful! I am now 35 and my husband is 38; if we have #3, we will start trying after my sister's wedding in October just b/c of OUR ages. As for convincing your husband, good luck--I don't really have any suggestions there, sorry.

Whatever you do, try not to nag him. Let him know how you feel and let him kick it around a bit in his head. Tell him you think you should start TRYING now, but there's no garrantee it'll take right away. And even if it does happen right away you'll still have 9 mths to get ready for the baby's arrival.

Is he worried about the money aspect? If so, you could put pencil to paper and SHOW him (guys need visual! haha) that you guys can afford it. Is he worried about just having a 2nd kid in the house in general? You can tell him (from my experiance, and I doubt I'm alone in this) that going from 1 kid to 2 doesn't disrupt the household too much =) And soon you'll both be wondering what it was ever like with just 1 kid! Is he not liking the thought of diapers, formula, etc. again? Remind him that those yrs, in the long run, don't last very long. Wasn't it just yesterday that your toddler was drinking formula and waking every 2 hrs?? They grow up so fast!

I guess what I'm saying is to not disregard his concerns, but address hem in a reassuring way. And if that doesn't work, remind him that the best gift you can give your daughter is a sibling.

Your post caught my eye because I am on the other end of the equation: my husband wants another child now, but I'm not sure I want anymore, ever.

I told him last winter that we could discuss this again around his birthday (early June). He has respected my wishes and not brought it up.

I would say to you, "shelve" the idea for awhile. Don't push, don't nag. If my husband was pushing the idea, I would go nuts and it would just further my hesitance on the issue.

I'm guessing you'd want to have more kids because both of you truly wanted them, not because your husband caved in. Is it really going to matter in the long run--like 10 years from now--how far apart your kids are?

I'm sure he is thinking from an economic standpoint. I'm not sure its a wise idea to bring a new child into this crazy mixed up world right now either. Maybe another year things might be brighter.

My daughter's are 7 years apart. 6mo.old and a 7yr.old! Trust me not the way I would have planned it. I have to say I absolutely love the age difference. I get to enjoy the baby and enjoy a big girl. My older daughter is so helpful and is like a little mommy. I think if they were close in age I wouldn't enjoy the baby stages as much as I have with each one because having a toddler/preschooler and a baby is alot more work.

I'm 7 years older than my sister and 10 older than my brother. It is so hard being so far in age. I remember when I was younger I wanted to go to disney world my parents told me "When Ellie gets older", then Evan came along and it was "when Evan gets older". By that time I had no desire to go to Disney World!

Kids closer in age are better friends, not to mention... the closer in age they are, the sooner you can be just the 2 of you again! (just say something like... The sooner we have a 2nd, the sooner it will be out of the house... and you two can go on Vacations and fun stuff together!)

Plus the longer you wait... the harder it is for your 1st child to adapt to not being an only child.

My advice is don't push him into anything. If you both aren't ready, it could cause a lot of extra stress. Before my husband and I had our daugher, he was very concerned and was never ready to have a child. He wanted kids but just wasn't ready yet. I was very ready but I was patient and we discussed our feelings very openly. In the end, we had our daughter when both of us were ready and boy am I glad we waited. Finances were always a big reason to wait. I would guess it's a main concern for your husband as well. Wait until he's ready. You'll be glad you did and the kids will be fine no matter what the age difference. There's no such thing as a perfect age difference. Each range has it's advanatages and disadvantages. Relax. Enjoy your 2 year old (I have one too). Talk to your husband about why he feels the way he does. Don't try to change his mind just listen and discuss calmly and openly. Good luck!

Hi C. -
My daughter and son are 4 yrs, 2 months apart. I love the spread between their ages. She's able to entertain herself at times, she's involved in school, and she can help me care for her brother and/or entertain him too. With siblings - there is always jealousy but, I think it's been easier to explain it to my daughter why I have to spend more time with my son or why he doesn't get punished for naughty things the way she may be punished. I know in my family - there was about 3 1/2 years between my older brother and I and there was 6 years between my sister and I. My parents also adopted a son who is 13 years younger than me. We are close too but, he's actually closer to my husband than me. My brother and I were closer when I lived at home but, after I got married and moved to a different state, it was difficult. Now, he's in college and we're just on different life paths. He's known as the fun uncle and does great with my kids. It really has a lot to do with your family dynamics and personalities. As far as your husband goes - I really think it's important that you and your husband be on the same page. When the 2nd comes along - you both need to be available and ready because most likely - the husband has to step up. You will need more hands. My husband kept telling people how challenging it was at first and I was confused. I felt like it was easier having the 2nd - b/c I knew what to expect. I think dads have more of a reality check b/c they maybe didn't initiate as much with the first born b/c the extra hands weren't always needed. So, while your nursing the baby, he has to be engaging your dtr in something. My daughter and I read a lot of books together at this time or she did her own projects but, when you're doing this several times a day - your dtr will want some attention all her own too and it's best to get it from daddy. Having the support from Daddy - will be easier on you b/c it's hard to juggle a toddler and baby at the same time. We're in the process of figuring out when and if we want to go for a 3rd. My husband wants to start now and I want to wait a bit b/c I feel like I'm finally back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Age is a factor for us (I'll be 35 this yr) but, I also want to feel ready to take on the responsibility. Some moms love having several kids under the age of 5; however, I'm just not one to really want to handle the chaos. I also like having a little bit of my own freedom and I think spacing out pregnancies has given me the chance to do my own thing whenever I want to. Good luck with the decision. If you need to - write out the pros and cons and have your husband do the same.

hm
well, one thing you dont want to do is force your husband to feel ready when he is not. it probably seems rude for me to tell you to pretty much ignore your feelings, but you wont help your marriage by forcing your husband into a situation that hes not ready for - it will cause resentment.

the only thing i can think of is to have patience. if there is no solution, seek counseling. there is nothing wrong with this approach, and it can perhaps figure out if there is an underlying issue your husband is dealing with... etc. it can also help you to respect his feelings and wait if necessary.

just have patience. its not the time right now. just take it easy. my husband took a turn around in about 2 months. dont pressure. be willing to talk about it - back off and dont make it seem like you want to overrule any of his feelings or decisions. the more patient and considerate you can be, the more you can put him at ease about things. hopefully.
anyway.
good luck.

C.-

Back "in the day," I thought it would be ideal to have my children 2 or 2 1/2 years apart. It didn't work out that way because we weren't financially ready for a second child that early. My son is 4 1/2 years younger than my daughter, and I feel really fortunate that it worked out that way. My daughter has been a GREAT helper for us by getting things, helping to entertain her brother, and even feed him (for a minute on occasion!). I'm so glad I didn't have two in diapers at the same time!

From another personal experience, I have two sisters; one is five years older than me, and one who is 13 months older than me. Although the 13-month-older one and I played together a lot when we were little, we had a hard time getting along in junior high and high school; on the flip side, I didn't really interact too much with my oldest sister until I got into high school. Now all three of us get along great, and the age difference definitely does not matter.

Good luck to you! I'm sure everything will work out for the best.

T.

Hi C.,

Don't give up...he'll probably come around. It's not unusual for parents to be unsure about having another one. Both my husband, and I, love children, but after having our first son we weren't at all sure we wanted to have another one. Thank heaven we did end up having another child...don't even want to think about a life without our second son.

I really don't think it matters how much time is between children...there are pros and cons to both. My boys are a little over 3 years apart, and it was great, but I also know families that their children are 4 to 5 years apart and they loved every moment. I can see where it would be easier on an older sibling, just because they can help you with so much, and be a bigger part of taking care of their brother or sister.

I know it is hard when couples don't agree on parts of their lives, but everyone has a right to their opinion...hopefully your hubby will come around to your way of thinking...if he does, after the baby is born, I think he will wonder why he ever thought twice about it.

C.

I noticed in your "a little about me" you mentioned your hubby was back in school. Maybe that is what is holding him back on more...when does he get done? Maybe that will help.?

I don't know if there is much you can do to MAKE him want want one now, but I definitely wouldn't quit talking about it. Keep letting him know how important it is to you.

As far as age spacing goes, it depends on the family. For my family, there is a gap of 3 years between my son and daughter, and I am preggers with the 3rd, which will make him 7 years apart from the oldest, and 4 years from the middle. I personally am SUPER EXCITED to have a big gap! The other 2 can somewhat take care of themselves and don't require constant attention. No potty training going on or anything! They can even help out if I need them too!

I have a friend who didn't want a big age gap, and has 2 about 18 months-2 years apart. She has slightly regretted it...saying it has been very hard and she would do it differently if she did it again. Not that it can't be done, but it is harder. Their thinking was do it all at once and get it over with. My thinking is, it is a stage of life, and I don't want it to be over with yet! I am trying to enjoy my little ones!

Good luck to you, hopefully he will come around soon! After all, you stay at home and do most of the work anyway!

OH YEAH, and remind him, it takes 9 months to actually have the baby. That's not counting the "trying" months!

Hi C.,
I think that people may try to plan too much, you know? Maybe you could each talk about what you are afraid of, and what would make that feel better. Then, just give it up to God, as he is the ultimate decision maker. Children are beautiful blessings, and we must make sure that we aren't going about the "decision" to conceive as if we were taking a new puppy home.
I have two, 18 months apart. It is awesome. The gift of a sibling is priceless. I think that when you do have them close, they can be in the same stage for longer lengths of time. So they can both be in the 3-5 year old activities, will both like the same parks, etc.
School can be a source of stress. Maybe take a weekend away, or have a nice long relaxing date, then talk about your vision of life in the next ten or twenty years. Sometimes is seems daunting or impossible to add another baby and child into the mix. When you think about life after you have raised your family, that can be when you gain true perspective about what your life goals really are. Rarely is it about having more money, a bigger house, or a better job. More often, life tends to be about family.
Good luck