January 12, 2010,
J.M. asks from Chicago, IL on January 11, 2010
Husband Lying & Maybe More?
I've recently found that my husband has been lying to me about smoking pot. This has been a struggle we've discussed over the past 5+ years, so that's not too much of a surprise, unfortunately. I know a certain friend he hangs out with, and as much as I don't want to think of him lying to me about it, I guess I kind of figured he was still doing it every once in a while. Well now, I've found emails (yes, I know, I'm not proud of the way I found out, please don't lecture) where he's written a couple different women - some he seems to know from a long time ago, but who's names I've never heard, others he worked with, and others who he seemingly struck up a conversation with on the elevator - asking if they want to smoke. In one case he mentions 'smoke a bit or do some lines'. I was horrified. I don't know what he's doing and have absolutely NO trust left in him whatsoever. These were emails within his work account, so what does that mean is in his personal email account? I'm currently unemployed & am clipping coupons, while he is seemingly buying 'unnecessaries' that harm your body & endanger those around you (ie, who knows what/when he's doing these things - is he driving our toddler around?).
He's gone right now for a few days, so this is all hitting me pretty hard & I really don't know what to do. I'm avoiding his calls & trying to act like things are ok, but I'm known for wearing my heart on my sleeve. He's coming back on Wednesday and I feel like I need a plan of attack before I see him. Anyone had a similar situation or make any recommendations?
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S.E. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2010
Good Morning J. M.
First of all, congradulations on the new baby boy coming soon. I am horrified and hurt for you.
I guess what strikes me hardest is nobody is stating the obvious - POT IS AN ILLEGAL DRUG and if you are caught with it you can be ticketed or arrested. I have a vision of hubby driving with baby girl in the car and getting pulled over and he has pot on him - then you got trouble.
If he is using his work email to talk about this he is jeopardizing his job. Nothing on work email is personal - they (your employer) can access anything you do at work. So obviously, he is not in control of himself or he would be thinking more logically - like I'm jeopardizing my job and I have a wife and two babies depending on me right now. Any woman who would do drugs with a married man at work - please, don't get me started on that one. Stupid nasty skank comes to mind.
I really think you've hit upon one of those non-negotiables. You need help with this one. Especially being pregnant, you don't want to stress yourself so much you stress the baby. I would confront him, but not by myself. Is there a trusted family member or friend that he values their judgement too? If that person could be there when you have this conversation. I think you are going to have to go all the way on this one - It stops, or your family goes away. Period. For those of you who want to make this a casual conversation - you're fooling yourselves. I'm sorry, nobody is going to jeopardize my house, my kids, my family over getting high. You're not getting the family car impounded or wasting household budget money on a lawyer or getting family services in my business because you want to get high. It's not okay and it needs to stop. Fast forward 14 or so years down the road - when kid decides to try pot - you're going to be okay with that right?
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S.S. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2010
J. I am feeling bad for you. It is sad that he is so lucky to have a nice wife, a daughter and another on the way and he is abusing your trust as well as other things. My first inclination was to tell you to immediately leave him because he sounds rather untrustworthy and that takes a lot of undoing.And he is drawing you into a world of illegal things which can cause your future to be miserable. But then I saw you are pregnant. So, you need to take stock of what is going on. Since you are unemployed I suggest you talk to someone who is free,perhaps church counselor, call AA and ask them about programs for family members of people with addictions. Call your local hospital.They have support groups. This is more than a trust issue. You are not foolish to not be aware, you are in love and it is easy for us to not see what is happening when we are in love. And furthermore, pot is illegal and I would under no uncertain terms warn him of what happens if they find pot on him. And if you find it in your home destroy it. Tell him that is unacceptable. But first you better have a plan despite being pregnant. You do not know how he will react. And so you start collecting a few dollars here and there, even if you only have cab fare to get to someones house for a night and let him know you mean business in case he starts bullying. If he is writing to women then he has an additional problem. He is among other things very insecure and you threatening to possibly leave might make him a bully. I believe underneath all of this is a huge core of insecurity and you better eventually get it straight out with him. I would talk to him without your little girl around, that upsets little people. You do not have to tell him how you found out about the emails. He has violated your trust so he doesn't need any further information about that. You are now about to be in a position of protecting not one, but two tiny people. It will be hard but you will get through it, with or without him. Good luck.
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E.R. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2010
I don't think you are a hypocrite at all. Smoking pot is illegal, driving while high is unsafe and talking about it over your work email is unbelievably stupid! You have got to think about your kids- obviously your husband is not. I do not want to scare you even more, but if DCFS gets involved this could turn into an even worse nightmare for you.
Whatever your personal preferences about pot are, the health and safety concerns are very real, especially when you are pregnant and have a toddler. The fact that he is risking his job, driving with your daughter in the car, etc. shows that he is only thinking about himself- and not even that very clearly!!
First- is there someone YOU can talk to? A minister or social worker? Your local community center or village hall most likely has someone on staff that can give you some information and groups like AlAnon can be really helpful, just because they are familar with someone who is addicted to a substance and it can be really comforting just to know that YOU are not crazy and other people have dealt with the same things. Clergy of any faith often can help either with counseling or connect you with the right programs or people to help support YOU- as well as get help for your husband if he wants it.
Remember- this is not your fault. Your husband is responsible for his actions and their consequences, even if he doesn't want to admit it. (and I am sadly betting he won't) You need help and support too and do NOT be afraid or embarrassed to ask for it. Social workers and counselors have seen things and heard every story in the book- let their experience help you deal with this issue.
I am sure your husband will use the excuse that he 'had' to lie and hide this from you so you wouldn't nag him or be upset, etc. but I say that is bull. The lying is almost a bigger issue than what he lied about. The fact that he is emailing other women and asking them to smoke up with him or do lines is just one more betrayal.
I think you have to seriously look at the kind of partner your husband is and the kind of life you want for you and your children. Confront him and tell him you want him to quit the smoking and lying and that he must go to counseling- for the lying, as well as the pot smoking. If it were me, I would make it clear that you will leave him if this behavior doesn't change.
I would also get your parents or his involved in this if you have a good relationship with his family members. Drug and alcohol issues are hard for people to face and it may be that their support will be the thing that makes the difference both to you and to him. If nothing else, it will make it clear that you have a very good reason for acting as you do. Don't allow him to play the victim with his family and friends- he caused this situation, not you.
This is not just about you not personally liking to smoke weed or being 'against' it or something- this is about him lying to you and obviously feeling that lighting up with some other women is more important than being with his family. The fact that you are out of work and he is spending money on pot just makes it more of a slap in the face, IMO.
If you have friends or relatives you can go stay with for a little while, I would do that. Take yourself out of his life for a few weeks. It will give you a little time to think about things without him and sort out how you really feel- and it will give him time to see that you are serious and what life would REALLY be like without you there. Maybe that will be enough of a scare to make him change his ways.
Most pot smokers I know are not bad people. They are a little TOO laid-back for my taste and almost always seem to be late for everything. But they are not also liars- you can't blame that part on the dope. Just the fact that he has covered up the smoking AND meeting up with other women is a deal-breaker in my book.
I hope he can and will change. Best of luck to you- think about your daughter and your baby to be and be strong and do what is best for them.
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D.F. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2010
You understand your relationship more than I do, however, you have to do what is best for you. I would try to talk to him and find out why he's smoking. Is it stress? Your relationship? Is this his way of relaxing and dealing with life? Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you and your kids. Because this kind of thing will eventually effect your relationship in the long run.
All the Best and Happy New Year!
A. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2010
I don't think you're a hypocrite, I think you are holding your husband to a higher standard than the people you aren't married to and there is nothing wrong with that. I think that may be one approach you can use in confronting him about his drug use. You have every right to expect him to act more responsibly and considerate of you and your children. Is occassional smoking something you can live with if he would be honest about it? If you knew when it was happening and knew he wouldn't be around the kids would it make a difference?
I hope you are able to reconcile this. Best wishes to you, your daughter and your on-the-way baby
D.K. answers from Chicago on January 12, 2010
I feel horrible for you. This is not something that anyone wants to deal with. My husband did what it sounds like your husband is doing before we got together. Fortunately for me he quit everything, including smoking cigarettes, while we were dating, so I haven't had to struggle with it like you have. Like you, I have never done drugs at all so I was pretty surprised with some of the things my now husband told me that he had done. But I appreciated knowing about his experiences and that he was willing to share it with me. I also trusted him when he told me that he didn't do it any more.
I think the best thing you can do is (as non-confrontationally as possible) just tell him you are curious and want to know what he has done, how it felt, why he chose to do it, etc. That way you can better understand what and why he is doing it. For the first conversation, just listen. Let him know that you want to know about what is going on in his life, even if you aren't part of it. Try not to judge or talk about how it makes you feel. Then take some time to think about what he tells you (hopefully he will be open about it, if he continues to lie, it will be hard for you to make any progress). Then you have to decide what to do. Are you okay with what he is doing? Are you okay with your children knowing what he is doing (because eventually they will find out)? Then you can decide what to do moving forward, and hopefully you have opened up the communication channels to discuss it with your husband.