Husband Issue

I'll try to be brief. As my dtr has gotten older now 2yr&5mths, it's been easier for him to bathe her and do things with her, like read her books, play with her outside or take her to the gym w/ him (to the childcare area).Yes when she was tiny he also had a hard time giving her a bath...but things do get better. I used to give her a bath and let him dress her for bed. Men are simple - just tell them what you want and or give them a choice between two things and they will do it. If you compliment him on things he does well, he will step up and do it more often.

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HI LIZ, I HOPE IT'S OKAY TO CALL YOU LIZ. FIRST OF ALL MOST MEN WILL WELCOMR A BABY INTO THE WORLD UNTIL REALITY STES IN THAT THEY ARE NOT THE BABY THEMESLVES. AND THEN YOU GOT PROBLEMS. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE MAKE AS MOTHERS, WHEN THE CHILD IS BORN WE TAKE ALL OF OUR ENERGY CARE, CONCERNS, ETC, AND WE PUT THEM IN THE BABY, AND TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, THAT IS SO WRONG OF US. WE BEGAN TO DEPRIVE THEM OF US. WE DEPRIVE THEM OF OUR TIME ATTENTION. THEY GO INTO LACK IN MANY AREAS WHERE THERE WAS ONCE SUFFICENTSY.FIRST OF ALL YOU MIGHT WANT TO START BY CLEARING YOUR SCHEDULE SO YOU CAN HAVE SOME TIME WITH HIM, EVEN IF IT MEANS GETTING A BABY SITTER FOR A EVENING EVERY NOW AND THEN.THE BOTTOM LINE WITH MEN IS,,,,,,,,,,, WE MUST MAKE UP FOR WHAT THEY'VE LOST WHEN THE BABY CAME ALONG. EVERY ONES PLAN WONT BE THE SAME AS TO HOW YOU WORK IT OUT, JUST KNOW IT HAS TO BE DONE. SECONDLY, DON'T MAKE HIM DO STUFF WITH THE BABY THAT HE DON'T FEEL VERY SECURE ABOUT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S IN A PERSONS PASS THAT HUNTS THEM , THE READON WHY THEY DON'T DO CERTAIN THINGS. HE MAY HAVE SEEN A SYBLING CHOKE, OR A RELATIVE. HE MAY HAVE TORMENTING THOUGHTS OF DROPPING THE BABY IN THE WATER AND TAKING A CHANCE ON LOOSING YOU FOREVER IF THIS HAPPENS. YOU NEVER KNOW HONEY, DON'T BE A (B) IN THIDS SITUATION. TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. A BABY CERTAINLY BRINGS MAJOR CHANGE IN ONES LIFE, AS CUTE AS THEY ARE. AND WE HAVE TO BE SENSITY ONE TO ANOTHER. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS SEEMINGLY WITHDRAWN, THAT DON'T REALLY HAVE TO BE THE CASE. IT COULD BE ALTOGETHER SOMETHING ELSE. SEEK TO KNOW IN A MORE LOVING WAY.

I HOPE ALL WORKS OUT
P.

A lot of what u write is what many mothers experience. Like anything new, especially when it comes to learning to care for one's child, we all learn at different rates of time. The book What to expect the first years is great for both moms and dads. perhaps asking him what frightens him and engage his feelings in a dailogure will be revealing and help you better help him. as to doing certain things we love, negotiate good times for him to work on his car and you do whatever it is that is enjoyalbe to you. This way the agreement is mutual for both of you rathe than being one sided; and yes, just b/c a child is born does not mean you have to give up every single thing; maybe getting someone to help with your daughter one early evening a week or two for just a few hrs will lighten yoru load as well. no one says you have to do it all unless that is an economic issue; hope this helps; dont' let the anger swell up.

I AM NOT MARRIED BUT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND HAS LASTED LONGER THEN MOST MARRIAGES! WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FOUR YEARS AND HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD... WE BOTH WORK FULL TIME JOBS AND I GO TO SCHOOL. MY BOYFRIEND ISNT MR. DO IT ALL BY ANY MEANS BUT HE DOES HIS PART. AS LONG AS HE WASHES DISHES HERE AND THERE OCCATIONALLY COOKS, TAKES OUT THE GARBAGE, AND WE TAKE TURNS GIVING OUR SON A BATH. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN HE WANTS TO JUST DO NOTHING, AND THERE ARE DEF. TIMES WHERE I WANT TO DO THE SAME. WHAT I AM SAYING IS YOU HAVE TO PICK AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. IT COULD BE WORSE. YOU COULD BE WRITTING ABOUT HOW HE'S OUT ALL THE TIME OR MESSING AROUND ON YOU! MY BOYFRIEND BARELY HELD OUR CHILD TILL IT COULD HOLD ITS OWN HEAD..PLUS SHE IS A GIRL WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT SEXUAL HARRASSMENT AND MELESTATION HE IS PROBABLY AFFRAID TO BE THOUGHT OF AS POSSIBLY TOUCHING HER INAPROPRIATELY...WELL ANYWAYS GOOD LUCK

E.-My husband and I set the guidelines before we had our children. When both of you are working it has to be equal responsibilities. If I were you I would not worry about how I am sounding. Your husband has to understand that he has a certain shared responsibility in regards to you daughter and the only way he will do that is if you just tell him. He needs to learn how to feed your daughter as well. It sounds like your husband needs to grow up a little bit and realize that he is now a father. He can balance the other stuff he enjoys around caring for your daughter. It is possible. But, your daughter and you need to come first in his life. He needs to take a look at his priorities and get it straight. You need to tell him that straight out. IF you do not get this straight now it will only get worse. Good luck!

Your husband is the same as mine. Consider yourself lucky, i do. They are not out in bars drinking and drugging. They are not out chasing other ladies. I know that it is hard, it does get better. I realized that my husband is not a mind reader, i need to ask him when i want his help. It is not in a man's nature to jump when the baby needs attention. Good luck, M.

You know, your story is too familiar, but guess what you will get your revenge soon enough. When that little girl starts prefering you to him as she grows older. My husband was the same, but when my girls were like 2 sand 3 years old, one of them had a nightmare one night and my husband decided he was going to get up for a change and go see them and when he snuk his head in their room the oldest one screamed, "not you we want momy"all my effort validated in one night!!!!! You hang in there, some men are just inadequate when it comes to newborns and babies in general, but if it doesn't come natural to help you out, sometimes it is better that he doesn't.

If he is using the excuse that he is scared to bathe and feed your dauthter then volunteer to sit next to him while he does it the first few times so he can become comfortable with handling her. Point out to him that even if he does not do it on a regular basis he needs to be able to fuly function as a parent on his own. What if you get a cold or the flu? You certainly shouldn't be handling your daughter while contagious! A lot of men are scared to handle babies but they just need a little encouragement. When it comes to doing dishes, cooking dinner, cleaning, etc... it needs to be a trade off. As long as you are doing it all he will probably continue to let you do it all.

E.,

I had the exact same problem. My husband wouldn't do anything not even watch her while I took a shower. This lasted until she was 3 months old. One day I just got fed up and I told him that he needed to help out. I yelled and screamed and cried which had no effect whatsoever. Finally, I just sat him down and talked with him. I told him that he was missing out on the most important part of her infancy. I told him that doing things with/for her were a way to be close to her. I told him that when she grew up she would know that her daddy took care of her just as good if not better than mommy. I asked him if he didn't want to be close with his daughter(Neither him nor his sister are close to their dad). That seemed to work and the next day he asked me to teach him how to bathe her and how to change her diaper. Now that my baby is 10 months, he does everything for her. I sleep in on the weekends while he plays with her. She doesn't even want me to put her down at night, she only wants her daddy and he is thrilled about it. If you try to explain to him that it will only bring them closer he might turn things around. He is probably just weirded out because she is a girl and thinks that he might hurt her in some way. Daddy's always think that their little girls are fragile. Well I hope this helps. Please let me know how things go.

This sounds horrible but just stop doing all unnecessary chores. Let the dishes sit around for a bit. Don't bother cooking dinner. Just tell him to fend for himself. Just do your laundry and the babies. Don't miss out on YOUR time with your daughter because he won't grow up. Why does it sound like you have all the responsibility in your home? You BOTH work, and you're both parents. He needs to realize that as soon as that baby was born his desires lost all priority. My husband was acting really selfish in the beginning too. But after a few "discussions" and boycotted housework, he's come to see the light. Having a baby is hard work and both parents need to share the responsibility. Good luck!!!

All I can tell you girl sometimes you have to act like a you know what to get results. I have the same problem with mine, and my kids are 12, 11, and 7. Don't ever think your alone on husband issues. It seems like being nice, not wanting to hurt there feelings aren't working so sometimes you have to act like them.

I know that is so hard. First, I would have a conversation with him about your feelings,& what you would like to happen or see him do. Then if he scared of the baby do baby steps have him hold her, show him how to give her bath, change diapers. If that doesn't work and he doesn't want to help. You both have to set time for yourself and the family. asure him he can still do those things, but you need help around the house and with your daughter. If he doesn't start helping round the house. You stop doing the chores around the house. Spend that time on you and your daughter. If you keep putting him before you or the house eventually your going to start blaming yourself.
Good Luck.

I feel for you...my husband was pretty much the same way. I don't have a solution for you, just hope for the future. It will get better in time! Once your little one is walking and has her own personality he will be more entertained by her and will want to become more involved with her. He will also not have a choice once she starts wanting "daddy" all the time. Trust me, it will get easier in time...just hang in there but never stop voicing your opinion & asking him for help! On day he just may suprise you. : )

well with my ex, I just told him one day I was going to go do a lil me time. I did tell him I would be back in like 30 minutes and 30 minutes turned into 2 hours. Eventually, it turned into more time ...and he learned to help more around the house. I do remember once trying to not clean and do his laundry ...that lasted 3 days then i couldn't stand it any longer. But, I do suggest cut back on doing so much for him ..and he will notice you need some kinda help.

E.,
It is unfortunate how us women bank on the assistance of our men when it comes time to having babies. We don't want them to change until they change to our desire. Count your blessings that he is at all involved and be patient, as the baby grows so will the time daddy shares with her. Inform him of the details of her growth. tell him what she did today, keep him involved verbally. If he does not help with the baby ask him to help with latter part of washing and cleaning. Explain your hands are full with the baby and you need help with one or the other. Let him choose what he will help with. Men are clueless....poor things. We have to nuture them as well as the baby. It sounds insane our like thats where your driving to but a child is not a burden and God has instilled into us mothering intuition for a reason. We are supposed to raise the children while he runs the home, per say. Well woman today have to do it all. Men are lacking in the department of family values. You can do it! So many other mothers have and do regularly. You are offically an octopus! You have just enough strength, patience, love and understanding for this mission. Time will fly and she'll be walking, then running and then heading out to the movies with friends. Enjoy what you have and don't worry about what he's missing. He will figure it out. Just pray about your hearts desire. God will give your family what is needed to change this situation.
Bless you sister....

My husband was open and honest and shared with me at a weak moment that he really does not know what to do. I have to have a lot of restraint and patience to allow him to try things his way. At least he was willing to try and reached out to me after awhile. Men really are scared. I would suggest one thing at a time per week. Show him where the PJ's are and allow him to dress your baby at night before bed. Just a thought. Or something little like repacking the diaper bag with more diapers. You 'll have to start small. I know I know sounds silly but try to be supportive and ask him why and what you can do to reassure him you trust him with your baby.

For now, your husband refusing to feed her the baby food is probably okay being that she's only 4 months and gets all her nutrition from her bottle. However, eventually he'll have to feed her the baby food because if he doesn't then the baby will not be satisfied and will probably get a little crankier--not to mention she'll be deprived of nutrients. On the other hand, the whole bath time thing--my husband is the same way! I try to tell him and show him how much fun we have in the bath tub and how the baby loves it. He does bath time about once a month. I think your husband may also be working on his car and doing outside things as a stress reliever. It's his "thinking" time. We women tend to do our "thinking time" while doing laundry and dishes...at least I do. Best of luck to you and I bet as soon as your little one starts laughing and talking more he'll turn around and see that she's a little person and one that adores her daddy.

Hang in there. It's hard doing most of it on your own in the beginning but as your daughter gets older, he will feel more comfortable with handling her. You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel and that you need help. Don't let it build up until you burst. That can cause more problems. Just let him know how you feel, in a way that he could understand and not nagging him and you should see changes.

hi there,

If you haven't already done so I would have a heart to heart w/your hubby. Tell him exactly how you feel and let him know where you need his help. Come up w/ a solution that best helps the both of you. He needs to understand that nobody is promised tomorrow and if God forbids your not here what would he do. And not only because of that but also to get a bound w/his daughter. Ask him what type of father would he like to be to his daughter, you as his wife needs to help him achieve that goal.

good luck,
~V.

Sorry to say, but I think it is normal for the husbands to be scared of the infants. I have a very involved husband now but he was intimidated by oldest until he could stand. After that, my husband has been very helpful through everything. I thought that would give him confidence when I had my second son, but its the same. My husband does claim to be scared, and he, too, refuses to bathe our second son, but has no problem bathing the older one now.

So, you may need to just believe him when he says he's scared and ask him what he's scared about, talk out his concerns and show him how to do things. My husband claimed he didn't have the maternal instinct like I do. I also noticed that the "third hand" we get is not natural for them either, so I showed him some tricks on how to use a shoulder or elbow or the other things we do. It still frightens my husband to watch me hold the baby and type on the computer at the same time. He's scared the baby will fall. Us moms know better than that and could even add feeding if we wanted to, but not them.

Keep in mind that not many men will admit to being scared of something so I think it's commendable that he is at least willing to admit that to you.

There is no real answer to this problem. My husband is the same. He does the minimum to take care of our 4 month old girl and 16 month old boy. He only works 9 days a month and still we have to use a full time daycare because he won't take the kids when he's not working. So, I not only have to work full-time, take care of the house, I also have to take care of the kids every morning and evening, while he plays online poker. The biggest thing is communication. I know easier said than done. I just tell my husband that I'm exhausted and he needs to contribute. I tell him that I feel like I'm doing it all by myself and I need help. I hate doing this, because I feel like he should just automatically do it, but I have to do what I have to do so I'm not completely exhausted all the time.

E.,
Hearing your story took me back to when I had my first child...it was such a hard time in our marriage. My husband was no help at all....I felt that I was nagging all the time over and over again. Still nothing would get done! Finally after going through a huge fight and almost the ending of our marriage, I got through to him and the reality is that they will never do what we want them to do our how we want them to do it. SO i bargained and got a cleaning lady to help me once a week and he would pay. IT WORKED...and two years later I sitll have her and she is great. As for the babies, I have a second child now and he wont do anything just hold her for a minute or 2 but he does it all for our 2 year old. SO it helps. They are afraid of babies I relaly dont get it. We become MOMMYS at the moment we see our kids they have to work on it. :)

I know wxactly how you feel, and it is normal. My husband is very dependent on me, not independent at all. My daughter is now 2 yr old, and it had gotten better, but I still get very frustrated with him. When the babies are small, they are very scared. My husband would not change a diaper, as if he was scared of it. It is new to them, and the best thing i can advise you is to praise, not nag. Tell them exactly what you want done, and show him exactly how to do it, but don't treat them like a child. If you critique him on how he does something, he won't want to do it again. Just remember that each person is different, but it doesn't mean they are wrong. Be Patient!

Wow! I'd be furious! That's so immature and selfish of him. Was he always like that - even before the baby? I mean, did you always have to do all the cooking and cleaning and such?

My husband works full time and I'm a full time mom. He probably does more housework than I do, in all honesty. He recognizes that my job is full time work as well. YOU are, in reality, working TWO jobs and your husband needs to respond accordingly.

I'd lay it out for him. Just let him know what you realistically can accomplish in a day or a week. He can either do the rest or it doesn't get done.

Better yet, let him know what you'd like him to do. Be very specific.

So he takes care of her while you work, right? Why can't he do stuff around the house while he has her? He expects you to do that when you have her, right?

Kinda sounds like there's a lot more to it, though. That man needs to be so much more respectful of you, your daughter, and your marriage. Do something about it now!

You both work full time, you need a good nanny or daycare. A lot of men are not comfortable with infants. I dont think it's fair to expect him to change his life totally and do nothing he enjoys except go to work and then babysit. I dont know any man who would do that. Single life would probably start sounding good after he lives like that for a while.
I think the baby wont get the best care if you are both juggling your lives and living like this with no help, plus your marriage will suffer, and it's in the childs best interest for the parents to stay married and try to have a normal life, also some time for you to do things together (without the baby). It gets easier, but not soon.

Hi E.,
I'm a mother of 4 and a grandmother of 3. I think communication is the key. Did you and your husband discuss any of these issues before your daughter was born? If not, you should sit down and have a good heart to heart talk...emotions set aside...just alot of love.
All my best.
KC

I have to say when I first had my baby girl; her dad was the same way. I had to beg him to do anything. I would get so mad that I just would completely ignore him, like I felt he was ignoring our child. But what I came to realize (after having a heart felt conversation) is that he was scared. Not so much scared of his baby girl but scared of making a mistake, and disappointing me. See with being a mother it was like I didn’t know what to do but I did. The time that she spent inside prepared me for motherhood, in a sense.

So something that we tried was making it a team effort. I was not telling him what he should do; but showing him what needed to be done. We begin taking turns taking care of her and doing each other daily chores. Then I noticed he had no problem asking me for help, instead of just leaving me to do it because he didn’t know how. This also helped in making us in tuned with each others personal needs. This brought us closer as parents and as a couple. We could sit down and tell all the funny stories that would happen while we shared our “alone” time with her.

Have you tried feeding or bathing your child with your husband to give him some guidence? Maybe that'll break him in a bit.

My husband was very much the same way. He told me before our daughter was born that he wasn't good with kids until they become a little more independent.(He has a 10 year old from a previous marriage). Our daughter is 9 months now and saying "da dad" so he is growing more involved daily. I would try ask for help by giving him options like "would you like to give the baby a bath or do the dinner dishes?" He will obvioulsy opt to do the dishes and you know he would pick this option over the other one but at least you gave him a choice and he feels like he can help without you just nagging him to do this or that. My husband work A LOT so I'm home alone left to do it all. It's very frustrating but hang in there.

I have/had the same problem. I felt like only my "world" changed. I thought my husband should just know what to do to help me. I didnt like telling him what I needed help with. Finally after about the first year of me be frustrated at him, I started telling him what I needed him to do. For example, I would make dinner, eat, clean up and then give our daughter a bath all by myself. Now I make dinner, eat and ask him what would he like to do? The dishes or give our daughter a bath? Also, instead of saying will you watch Hailey while I go grocery shopping, I say I am going grocery shopping and I need you to watch Hailey. My husband works very hard and has a lot of expensive hobbies and I want him to be able to enjoy them, but most of all I just want him to recognize all the hard work that I do also. Lets just face it........mothers roles are different than fathers roles. We will always feel we do more for our kids than they do. Just tell him what you need help with and have a heart to heart talk with him to let him know how you are feeling.

Hubby and I just had this talk yesterday ... He picks her up from daycare and takes care of her 2hrs a day and Sunday from 8am to 4pm. My arguement with him is that when hes with her thats ALL he does he wont do laundry, he won't cook or anything... He says he can't because if he puts her down she cries my daughter is 13 months old and capable of entertaining herself not to mention the fact that Sundays he gets help from her godfather and aunt who live across the street from us... I work full time as does he...my days off are friday and saturday and his are saturday and sunday ... saturdays when its supposed to be "family time" we end up doing what he wants and it drives me nuts... the outcome of that conversation i had with him is... he will do laundry wash dishes and cook on sundays regardless of his excuses and on weekdays he will play with katie bathe her feed her and get her ready so that when i get home WE BOTH put her to bed not just me like it usually is...
I hope you're able to come to some sort of agreement with him without souring the relationship