Husband Is Jealous I Stay Home

I have a little different perspective because my husband is the "stay at home parent" and I work full-time.

We only currently have one child, but like many of your situations my husband also does most of the cleaning, errands, and caring for our pets. He has also recently started doing more of the cooking.

We just talked this morning about how I was a little jealous. Mostly this is because I feel guilty CONSTANTLY for only spending a few hours a day with my son. On the weekends we do lots of fun family things and we split all the house chores 50/50 ---- but the week days are hard.

I think it is easy for both parents to fall into the role of envy at times and thinking that the other person's "job/role" is "easier". I say make a bigger effort to do more family things on the weekends and give Dad time out of the house with just the kids ---- let the chores wait until you can do things together.

1 mom found this helpful

I must say Katie B took the words right out of my "mouth" Exactly. Make a real effort to have family time when he's around. I know it's hard because you've got someone to "watch" the kids when he's home (ha ha...this never really panned out for me) and you think you might get something done without children underfoot. Staying home with my daughter has amounted to 14 or 15 hour days and it's exhausting. My husband has all his shopping, laundry, errands and cleaning done for him as well as most meals. One thing that really put things in perspective for us now that my daughter will be at school full time is that even if I started back at work now, would my husband be willing and/or able to take off for school holidays, sick days, chauffeur my daughter to dance and activities, do 1/2 the cleaning and errands? It's a big job, certainly with more rewards than working outside the home...although I'm often jealous that he gets to go off and work with adults and go out to lunch and dinner...
Anyway, I don't know if this is helping. I always come to this site before I have my morning coffee. But we have been where you are and I think my husband is seeing the benefits.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear J.,

I have a solution to your problem & I'm serious about this. Have him take one day off a week for 2-3 weeks. On that one day have him stay home with the kids all day. You can't come home at all! Stay out late enough that HE has to fix dinner and it can't be take out! I promise you after 2-3 times of doing this he won't be jealous anymore.

When my 3rd child was a baby I went back to work one day a week on days that my husband could be home. I'm a nurse so I would be gone from 6:30am to 8pm on those days. In the beginning, he really struggled and even called my mom throughout the day and asked her how to "do it". My mom called me one time at work to tell me that my husband called her and said "I don't know how J. (me) does this." Now, I must add that I always had dinner prepared ahead of time so he just popped it in the oven. I even made out a schedule for him to follow. Those things helped him, but he had a new found appreciation for what I do at home with the kids and he admitted that he was so grateful that it was me at home regularily and not him.

I know as a professional mommy, this would be hard to leave your child for a whole day, but it would be good for your husband. I was even breastfeeding my baby at the time. I just left pumped milk for him.

Good Luck!

Perhaps you could offer him to switch jobs with you. He probably is jealous of you because he's wondering why he can't be a stay-at-home Dad for the obvious reason that he actually wants to do that. Maybe you should let him switch places with you and see how it works. Who knows, it might be fun for everyone and help your marriage at the same time?

I get to be home with my children and I know that my husband wishes he could be too. My husband is happy he can provide enough for me to be a SAHM but he hated the full responsibility of bringing in an income. What I did is researched and finally found something I could do from home. Now my goal is to build my business to a point that both of us can be home with the children. It is a win win situation and I know it is possible because so many are already doing just that in this company.
Not sure what your husband is jealous of exactly but this is what I found to be the issue of jealousy for my husband.
Blessings,
L.

I don't really have an answer for you. However, I was kind of in the same boat as you are in. I was laid off of my job in February and just recently found a new job. I received the chance to stay home with my son for that period of time and my husband also got jealous. His mentality was that I stayed home and sat around the house all day and did absolutely nothing. He made a comment about it once and the next day I made a very detailed list of everything that I did that day (which was a normal day) and showed him the list and asked him if he still thought I sat around all day. I never heard another word about it again and his attitude changed also.

Hey! I just have one question ... how do you afford to stay at home? I will be a stay at home mommy come Jan 2010 and my husband is a bit bothered. We both decided it is best after our BAD experience with a licensed daycare...yes death of our 3 month old. NOT sids...But i need to try to make some money staying home! Just curious how you do it?

It amazes me that husbands who have a stay at home spouse feel jealous that he can't do the same thing. I had the same issue with my sons for awhile and then came the day when I had to be away from home the entire day and I let Dad stay at home with them with a list of things that I needed to be done. When I got home, the house was a disaster, my list was never found again and he agreed that staying home with the kids was harder work than he thought it was. Since then I never heard a peek out of him regarding me not having a full time job.

Maybe this will work for you too.

I don't know what you can do to "help" as my husband supports our joint decision for me to stay home but I would suggest you ask him if he would like to be a stay at home dad. Switch roles. You work outside the home and he takes care of the kids. That is pretty much your only option since daycare doesn't work for you. Unless, of course, you aren't willing to try a switch for awhile.

Do a financial statement/report on the money he's saving and that you are still bringing into the household by being a stay at home mom. I don't know where the myth started that two income families make more income that single income homes. Rarely is this the case. Sit down, and be honest. Put together a detailed expense report of what it cost for you to both work. Don't forget to total in costs of gas, parking, lunches/dinners out, wardrobe, hair, makeup, day care and related child care expenses, etc. Then put together a list of the money you now spend on groceries, eating out, clothing, day care etc. and compare the two lists. You will be astounded...I mean astounded how much money it takes to be a two income family. You can further strengthen your cause by putting together a plan to cut grocery costs using coupons etc. There are many budgeting web sites and services that can help you streamline your expenses without hurting your lifestyle. Take up the challenge and prove your case. If your husband is like mine, he'll be kicking himself that you were working all of these years!

As for the jealousy thing. I think men today feel entitled to a working wife and the dowry that comes with it. It's really horrible, but I think rather than being liberated, women have become a type of modern day slave! There rarely is any choice in the matter. Most women have to work. They seldom feel they can choose, because of the cost of living and the expectation of what a middle-class lifestyle has become. I think men today believe two incomes are necessary to maintain a certain standard of living. They get frightened by the prospect of bearing the brunt of responsiblity. Sadly, we've indulged them with pricey treats and extras like satellite tv, i-phones, i-pods, computers, recreational vehicles, golf clubs, sporting events etc. Just name their vice. They're addicted, and by all means they're going to keep getting that stuff, even if it means shipping their wife to a stressful job and the kids off to daycare.

Unfortunately, the hearth and home has been miserably abandoned and the benefits of that type of life forgotten. Vacations, big cars, big houses and big toys aren't everything. If he's jealous, maybe the whole family needs to reevaluate what's important to them and take it from there. From finances to personal values, both you need to agree on expectations, and work toward meeting them. Simplifying your lifestyle is a great way to start. Investing in making home a better and healthier place to be can do wonders for both your husband, and kids. There is something to be said for a well cared for family, that spends time to together. It's all in the mind. He'll come around if he can see the good that comes with this type of living.

Yes, you can help him with his jealousy by letting him take a week vacation from work.. or two weeks and you go visit someone for a week or two and let him see how hard it is at times (rewarding too)being on call 24/7 without a break. It won't work just for a weekend though, that would be a fun time and won't make him appriciate the things you do. He will be ready to go back to work at the end of two weeks of dishes, laundry, spilled juice, arguments, temper tantrums...lol. Most of all he will appriciate being able to go to the bathroom without children outside the door wanting something from him.

I'm with Lisa! If he truly does want to be home, make it a goal and find a way to make it work. That's what we're doing at our house. My husband loves being home with us so I'm working hard from home so that he won't always have to work outside the home. There are many good network marketing companies out there. You just need to find something that you can be passionate about and work hard!

N.

I think there are two different kinds of jealous when it is between a hubby and the stay at home mom.

The first type: the Hubby sees how much more time the mom gets to spend with the child(ren) and wishes he can be there enjoying all those fun moments... my hubby had this type of jelaousy, we also noticed we kind of "sat" around or did house work at home on the weekend while my daughter and I did the "fun things" while hubby was at work. So we always do one family fun thing on the weekend unless we have declared it a no event weekend, that way hubby is part of some happy fun memories. This has helped my hubby, he was always coming home and having to be the enforcer because I was pushed to my limits by the time he got home... have a fun thing planned on the weekend let him be a fun dad, I have also encouraged him to read & play a game with my daughter every day while I cook dinner that way he has an activity besides enforcing rules during the week.

The second type: the Hubby thinks we have the easy job (or no a job at all) and we get to sit around at home and do nothing all day. As we all know stay at home mom cleans, cooks, does laundry, takes the child(ren) places, errands and so on which really is a job and takes up a lot of time. The Hubby may not realize all that you do and that you work as hard as he does it is just a different type of job. If he says he thinks you have the easy job then tell him all you do and have him take care of the kids for a few days so he can see that is a big job and you do not just sit around.

Have you asked him why he really is jealous? I know you said he is jealous because you stay home with the kids but why, that will help pin point the issue. Have to get to the root of the issue, ex: he thinks you just laze around at home and he wants to do that instead of you, he wishes he was home with the kids because he is missing out on all the fun... in the end this will be an issue he will have to work on, there is not a whole lot you can do to help unless hubby becomes at ease with it first.