Husband Is Freaking Out About Surprise Pregnancy

Our little girl was a complete surprise. We'd been married four months when we got pregnant and were not prepared. Honestly we took turns falling apart. I was strong at first while he freaked out, but then when I started to worry he stepped up and assured me all would be okay. That was three years ago and we have a gorgeous little girl whom he completely adores. Things were very tough the first year financially, but we have pulled through, made wise decisions, and are doing better than ever now.

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It's going to be ok!! 2 days? He's still in shock. My husband loves kids, isn't too old & we could afford a 3rd but for a few days he was just plain in shock when we found out I was pregnant with our surprise 3rd.

He appologized a few days later & was excited from then on. But our situation was a little different in that our other two girls were 3 & just turned 2. And I had health issues & bedrest with both previous pregnancies so he was worried about me. But it all worked out & our 3rd was born the month after our oldest turned 4. They are 5, 4 (in 2 weeks) and 15 months.

Good luck!

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There will be plenty of time to talk baby names and nursery themes - back off for a little bit and let your husband adjust to the news.
Family-wise, I'm sure your new baby will be an adored addition to your family. You will both love and treasure her as much as your first two.
Financially, your husband is right - this will involve some sacrifice. Particularly if he was thinking the years of one-income were about to come to an end. We had our 3rd, just as our 2nd was starting kindergarten. I feel it is important to be a SAHM. I'm watching many of our friends move to bigger houses, take their children on family vacations, update furniture and appliances - all of that will have to wait a few more years for us. But let me assure you - our 3 year old is worth every sacrifice we have had to make. (and her older siblings would agree - they adore her and have learned so much about patience and helping out since a baby/toddler/preschooler in the house)

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I've not been in your circumstance, but my aunt and uncle were at least 10 years apart in age, and they had a surprise baby when she was in her forties and he in his 50s. They had two sons entering high school and an elementary age daughter. Their daughter was thrilled that she would have a younger sibling, but the family budget was very tight as it was because the mother freelanced as a newspaper columnist and the father was in charge of religious education at the local Catholic school, which is how the kids were able to go to Catholic school and get a good education. Plus, he would have been in his 70s when his daughter graduated high school. But they both loved their little girl, and she brought something very special and spunky to their family, and I remember my uncle being so very tender with his last daughter, up until he died from liver illness when she was seven. You can't know what the future will bring, but I'm convinced that God sends certain children to certain people at certain times for a reason, for we need to grow as much as they do.

As a side note, I was scared to death when I learned I was pregnant the first time, because I didn't know if I would like my child, and I'd be stuck with it for 18 years at least. But I do like him, and he's really neat, and we're managing now with child #2 and my husband in medical school, so I know things will work out. :)

Good morning. I am a SAHM of a 6, 4, and 2 year old and my husband also "freaked out" when we found out about number three. We were around 37 when we got pregnant for the third time. Unfortunately, I don't have any magical advice for you but just wanted to let you know that my husband acted the exact same way. Most of the problem was his financial concerns, but he was also worried that we would be outnumbered by the children. I assured him that 3 was no more trouble than 2, but boy was I wrong! Anyway, I learned early on not to talk to him about the baby because it would put him in a "funk" for days--so it became something that I shared with my other 2 children who were very excited to have a new baby in the house. As long as we didn't discuss it, he could live in denial and be somewhat "ok" with it. Just to let you know, everything changed when my son was born, he fell totally in love with this little boy, and couldn't imagine life without him now. He still gets worried about money and we have had to change a few things--like sending the kids to public school now. My husband gave me a choice--go back to work and send the kids to private school and put the baby in daycare, or stay at home with the baby and send them to public school--and that is what I chose (luckily, our schools are very good in this area). I hope that helped somewhat. It wasn't easy during the pregnancy, but now he wouldn't change a thing! C.

Just give you husband time. Men take longer to get used to change. It does not matter how old you will be when children are out of the house, just that you have them, thay love you no matter what. Children give you love, joy and yes pain at times, but it is Well Worth It To Have Children. May God belss you all. God will make a way, even if we can not see it at first. Trust him.

Wow, YOu have gotten some really good advice. So just a couple of thoughts. Obvisouly the Lord wants you to have another one so since that is the case he will provide. He always does. Also I would have a little talk with your husband. I can understand a man having a hard time with it however he will eventually come around but until that time he needs to keep his mouth shut!!! Children are always a blessing no matter what # they are in the family. You have the right to be happy. Tell him if he is having a hard time that is fine but he will have to be negative somewhere else. Only positive thoughts are what that sweet baby should here right now. We had 3 children by the time my husband graduated college. I longed to have the first one and then the Lord decided the next two needed to be in our family(both surprises) We now have 7 children and they are all precious. Congratulations and be happy!!!

I am sure that he will be fine once he works it out in his mind about the financial aspect. Just a thought, I would sit down and discuss the money part and brainstorm how maybe you can help out. Have you ever thought about working a home based business to help add to family income? If you want more information about what I do as extra income email me at ____@____.com.

He should be "celebrating" this new LIFE with you and stop acting like a child.

Sure it's hard, but that's life. We raised five and they are a complete JOY today. How sad that a father would be sad about a new creation (he was involved) to LOVE.

Coodos to you for loving and wanting this child.. you will not be the one that regrets your feelings when you are holding your little angel.

Sorry to be so blunt but this is reality.
He needs to suck it up and be a man.

God bless and good luck to you,
I think he'll come to his senses soon :)

A.,

First off, CONGRADULATIONS!!! I know you're really excited about this new blessing. :-) And God's timing is always right!

I'm a stay-home-mom too, but my kids are pretty much grown with two in college now. We've had to cut corners in order for me to be able to stay home, and I know your husband probably thinks he's cut all the corners he can... but there is always another solution to the problem at hand.

Search the intenet for 'frugal living' newsletters, I get tons of them with great ideas on how to save money. Check out DiningOnADime.com, DollarStretcher.com, etc.

The other thing we did to help take the financial pressure off my husband, was to find a home business. But be careful, there are a lot of scams out there. Make sure you find one that is legit.

The company I work with has been in business for over 23 years, is debt-free and privately owned. I get to set my own hours - work when I want to, around my family's schedule. and I get paid every month.

I work with lots of other stay-at-home mom's just like you. And it doesn't cost a ton of money to get started! We also offer a 4 month, 100% money back garantee if you decide you don't like the business.

The information is free, so if you're interested in checking it out, just let me know. I love that I get to help people just like you be able to stay home and yet make a decent income to help out in these trying times.

Give your husband some time, after the shock wears off, he'll be as thrilled as you are.

Keep us posted! And God bless!

I can only tell you that I have a little brother who was a surprise pregnant and he was a wonderful addition to the family. My mother was 37 when he was born my father was 36. The baby of the family was 9. My mother told us all along she was having a boy we all though she was nuts, She had four daughters. When he was born it to my father 3 nurse telling he had a son before it sink in. Dave was not a big experience to the family. I guess the biggest move was when Dave get s certain age for a little while there was four girls in a bedroom. As I remember it was fun not a big problem to share the room together. We had always gone to public school so I can not talk about the adjustment there. The one thing I do know all of us would have Dave in the family given the choice.

First off - congratulations!! Our surprise came AFTER the vasectomy, baby #4, #3 was just turning 1 year old. We were both well shocked, and our families were even more shocked!! The shock wore off in a few weeks, and things went on as normal. Give your husband a little time to get on board with you. You have lots of time to discuss the nursery and names - we usually didn't make our final choice on names until time to go have the baby! That doesn't mean YOU can't be excited - just give him a little time to catch up - he will!! BTW, my #4 is only 4mo old and my husband is 41, so we're right there with you!!

i am sorry but i can't help out on this one. I just wanted to say good luck and i am sure he will come around

A.,

If it's any consolation, my DH was down right angry when he found out I was pregnant with #6. (Actually it would be my 3rd child, but I always include the three babies I lost.) I had known for over a week I was pregnant and couldn't think of any way to tell him when one night in bed he asked if I needed to use my diaphragm. I said no and he asked why. I told him I hadn't had a period in like six weeks and with this look on his face that I'll never forget, he asked me if it was menopause. (I was 37 at the time.) I shook my head and said that no, that wasn't the problem. He just looked at me with this look of dismay.

We had talked many times how he didn't want more than two children but I was desperate for one more before I got too old. When we were engaged the agreement was we would have three children. What we were not anticipating was how it took us eight years to have our first child. By the time he came we were 32 and 36 years old. When #3 came along we were 38 and 42, the same age as your DH. Hubby loves all of our children but just recently he brought up the subject of how he hadn't wanted three children, how he would be in his 60s before they were all gone, and how just maybe, I tricked him into getting me pregnant. So, it seems that men of a particular age think along the same lines.

Good luck!

K.

Give your husband time, he will get used to it, and be thrilled once he holds his baby in his arms. We have nine and I have been a SAHM since I became pregnant with #2. My husband does not make a lot of money, but our Lord is Powerful and a perfect provider! The best thing a wife can do for her husband is create a haven for him to come home to. As far as the schooling, have you considered home schooling? They can receive an excellent education at a very reduced cost. Be sweet and patient and do all you can to be frugal and thrifty. And PRAY, seeking the Lord's face.

I was where you are a little more than a year ago. I can only suggest you not bring it up constantly and only include him in the joyous things like the sonogram, or picking out a name. Buy a package of diapers once a month now, breastfeed, and buy clothes at consignment shops once you find out the sex of your baby. Then once he/she comes, there won't be a dramatic change in spending. Tell him all the ways you plan to cut corners and save money. I think once he sees it on paper, it might be some relief. After the baby gets here, he still might be standoff-ish at first, but don't fight or say anything that might be taken wrong. He WILL love the baby, and as it starts smiling and looking at him/reaching for daddy, he will let his guard down more and more. This is what I experienced and my little girl is now 6 months old. He is still coming around, but the topic never comes up. I just watch him and talk about how cute this is or what she did today. Keep the things positive and he'll come around. You can also throw yourself a baby shower if no one else thinks to. This is appropriate nowaday where it use to not be. Gifts are always free! Check for a local mom's club on yahoo groups and ask your church for help in baby supplies.

I also recommend if you have a c-section to get your tubes tied. The recovery time is no more than without the procedure. Otherwise, the vasectomy would be the way to go. Just my two cents. HTH!!!

Yes, your husband will come around. We had a 4th child because my husband delayed having his vasectomy. He never really showed any disappointment when I told him I was pregnant, but I know he was worried. Most of his worry was about his job though-he was active duty military at the time (we're retired now!) and his main concern was all of the deployments he had been on and knew there were many more to come. Our 4th child is 15 now and we wouldn't change it for the world.

My oldest son (now 22) and his dad developed a rocky relationship during the teen years and they kind of drifted apart. When my son's wife became pregnant, my husband displayed the kind of attitude that your husband has at this point. We just became grandparents this past week and his attitude has totally turned around. The day our grandson was born, I got the joy of being there for his birth and watching grandpa walk down the hall with his arm around the new daddy's shoulder. Both experiences in one day was almost too much and they've now been talking and bonding more than I've seen in a very long time.

Hang in there-things will be ok. God has a purpose for everything. Just wait until the first time he can feel your tummy move and the new baby will already have dad wrapped around his/her finger!

Best wishes to your entire family!
R.

I only have one child & want another, but my husband is the same as yours. If I got pregnant, he would probably be a basketcase.

Do you have a crisis pregnancy center nearby? Though you definitely want to keep the baby, they could still be a tremendous help to you, emotionally & practically. I used to work at one & we had a "store" where parents could "buy" baby clothes, diapers, formula, etc. with "parent bucks" they earned by watching videos about parenting & meeting with volunteers. We also had a men's ministry where the fathers could talk to our male volunteers & go through a similar program as the mothers. And of course, there's the emotional support & advice you can get from the caring volunteers. I'm speaking from my experience at my local center, but there are thousands of similar ones all over. And if you're lucky, there may be a good one near you. Congratulations & good luck.

Instead of sending your children to a private school Have you thought about homeschooling them. Then there is always the possibility of a part-time job to help out with the expenses when your husband is at home you work a few hours somewhere a few days a week. That is just an idea.

I went through the same thing when we found out we had #3 on the way! It was a huge surprise to us too! But, like you, I was so excited and I felt that it was just "meant to be"! My husband, who adores our children and has always been very involved, was shell shocked! He was worried about $ and all the practical things men worry about. He jsut kept telling me that he never imagined having 3 children! I told him he better get used to it, because we WERE GOING to have 3!!! He got over the initial shock after a few days. The day we went in for the ultrasound and found out we were having a little BOY he fell to his knees and jsut started crying!(We already had 2 precious girls)He said he didn't realize how much having a son would mean to him. We could not imagine our lives without ALL 3 of our beautiful children! They truly are blessings and I'm sure your husband will feel the same way too! Just give hima little more time. Things have a way of working themselves out! Once that sweet baby arrives he'll wonder how he ever lived without him/her! He's already a loving father and his heart will just open up a little more and make room for this little one! One point I'd like to make also, is that if we all waited for the PERFECT time to start a family, there would be a lot less precious little ones running around! Yes, it does take a lot of $ to raise a child, but it takes a lot more love! And I'm sure you and your husband have more than enough of that to go around! I truly hope all works out for you(& I believe it will)! Good luck!!

Oh, I'm sorry to hear!

While I can understand the emotional side of this is very hard, I tend to want to solve problems, and helping solve this problem for your husband is the way to his heart for this new little one among you.

What you can do to show your support for him (they need support, too :) is do a little research on new ways you can cut costs, and show your husband how much it will save your family. He will REALLY appreciate this. Like, you will switch out three meals a week with meat in them for rice and beans recipes. You will switch out pre-packaged, marketed snacks for home-made ones (no more Juicy Juice, etc.). You will change up your cell phone plans if you find you're not using those extra minutes. Cancel the cable. Start getting movies from the library instead of renting them.

Get baby clothes from thrift shops instead of new. They're healthier than new clothes with all of those chemicals (laundering gets rid of a lot of them), and they're so cheap and perfectly cute!

Oh, and if you haven't nursed before, read up on nursing and go to some La Leche League meetings in the latter half of your pregnancy to tackle problems before they come up (it's incredible what even the hospital procedures and policies do that inadvertently undermine nursing because they confuse the baby or separate mother and child when child needs to nurse; instead, baby gets bottles of water that fill up the tummy and keep the mother's body from producing milk). Nursing will save you thousands of dollars in formula *and* in medical expenses, since formula-fed babies end up getting sicker more often.

Also, if you haven't cloth-diapered before, look into the awesome new options out there. They're so easy now, with great designs. Look at BumGenius, Bumkins, Swaddlebees and Thirsties covers that go over pre-fitteds like Sandies. (Find great deals on websites like diaperpin.com and be very careful of venues like eBay, where some less trustworthy folks sell yucky diapers that don't work very well.) You can spend $200-$300 for really nice, top-of-the-line, brand-new diapers, and this will cover all of your diapering expenses through potty training, and this will save your family about $2,000 in what you would spend on disposable diapers (and this doesn't even include the cost of disposable wipes. Get cloth wipes or use wash cloths from like Dollar General, and keep a thermos on hand with nice warm water in it, and you save $hundreds more). You can even *sell* your diapers when you're done using them.

There! Making all of these choices just saved your family thousands and thousands of dollars!

You could also consider what you like doing, and what you're good at, and think about how you might turn that into an at-home business for yourself. They're all over the place - mothers everywhere are selling all kinds of things! There's a great website about being a momtrepreneur - I think that's how it's spelled, and the woman's got all kinds of advice.

You might even be able to get your 7 1/2 year old daughter involved, if it's easy enough!

L.

Yeah!!! Congratulations on number 3!!! I am in your same shoes. I have a 7 yr old girl and a 4 yr old boy. I also just found out that #3 is on the way. I'm really excited, but extremely nervous also. I think my husband feels the same way yours does - thinking about the financial crunch. I currently work full time and bring in a good income, but when the baby comes . . I don't know if I will be able to continue the way I am now. We have saved $15k in an emergency account since I have started working, which will help cushion the blow. But, we really don't want to spend that money if we don't have to. I am currently looking for ways to make money in order to supplement our income enough that I can stay home.

I might be a good idea to try to find a way to make money in order to help soften the blow, especially if you are already living on a tight budget. Good Luck !

when ever you can get an ultra sound, show a copy of it to your husband. and ask if he will go with you to the visit, when the dr. will be listening to the baby's heart beat. some times that forms a bond. ask him to be the one to pick out a name for this new baby. try to involve him as much as possible. but at the same time dont get too pushy about it. my adult son and his wife have been financially down on thier luck for months. however, they just had thier third daughter. and they both are happy as can be. my son does side jobs, such as, maintance when needed at the apt. comp. he lives at. and moves pianos. during this summer, he plans on mowing lawns and odd jobs to get by. cause jobs are very slim in nev. right now. there is always a way no matter how easy or hard it may be. and it all is well worth it. good luck. i hope for the best for you and family. C.

A.,

When I found out I was pregnant with our 5th child, our youngest was 5 months old. I was so upset I already had a baby I did not want another one. My husband on the other hand was so excited. At the time we were making just over 30,000 a year with four kids. I had no idea how we were going to but another baby through diapers let alone clothes.
(It all worked out fine its amazing how well you do when you have no other choice but to make it work)
I was in such denial I did not even go to the Doctor in tell I was in my second trimester my husband forced me to go. My point is we all come around in our own time. When I felt her move for the first time that was it I was hooked. I love her just as much as the other 4 and if I had the chance I would do it all over again. I promise your husband you come around sooner then you think. God bless you and your family.
A.

it's going to be o.k. you will look back on this time and smile, when you have your cherished baby in your arms and can no longer remember what you did without him/her. our surprise number 3 is 16 months old and the joy of our family. i like to call her "the icing on the cake". i have a friend in a similar situation, she and her husband are 42 and 45, and she is pregnant with number 4. at first, her husband wasn't just shocked, he was a jerk! like he had nothing to do with it...lol...he's coming around, and your sp will too.

Your husband will come around. I really dont know one man who didnt freak out at the financial aspect of a new baby. Some men just keep it inside. Men are just programmed differently. I think we worry more about laundry,dinner, practices, affection, and men are more prone to worry about the finances, drain system on the house, the alternator on the car, etc... Im not saying he doesnt love the kids, but you get my drift.
Start by doing little things here and there for your new baby by yourself. When I "politely ignore" my husband he comes around quicker.
Try to wait some time before having this convo with your DH again. Keep your spirits up and happy for your "bun in the oven"!

Been there done that with the feelings of being excited about a new pregnancy and husband being the complete opposite. He absolutely LOOOOVES this baby with all his heart and is so much more content to sit and spend time with her because, like your husband, he was a little over 40 when the baby was born. Honestly though, it was like he was mad at me during the entire pregnancy and until the baby was brought home. It was definitely hard on me and I tried to just go with the flow and act as though nothing had changed. Depending on what type of work you were going to do, you could still work after this baby is born as you had originally planned. The baby could stay in mother's day out or part-time daycare if your income would cover it and still leave you bringing money in. If not, then yes you'll be home for a few more years than expected and won't be able to help out financially. We had a hard year with the unexpected baby, however, our family is much more complete, yes .. we're still married and couldn't imagine what our family would be like with her! She is the child with all the personality and has her daddy around her little finger. We now "joke" about him being made at me for a year and he just rolls his eyes. It's a sensitive time, but you'll get through it.

Sometimes when a man has everything "figured out" in his head, and a surprise like this happens, it takes a while for them to be ok with it. I don't know if you are Christians, but it is especially important for us to be able to let go of having it all figured out and trust God with our lives. Children are a blessing, and it will work out. Praying for both of you as you walk through this! :-)

Hey A.,

I am feeding our surprise #3 as I am writing this. My husband had the exact same reaction, and he talked about every worse case scenario that there possibly was! I always listened, and let him know that it was a surprise to me ,too. Then, I would always reassure him and point out the bright side of things.
At about three months, he finally embraced the pregnancy! I decided to make it my best pregnancy ever, and I stayed mentally and physically healthy. I had my first all-natural birth, and my husband was just as supportive, over-joyed and loving as he was with our first two.
It's going to be fine! Good luck with your third blessing!