Husband Is Constantly Comparing...

Dear L.,
There are many interesting aspects to your message.
The first thought I had that really stands out is that perhaps your husband does not appreciate his own self very much and that he is projecting his own poor self image onto your son. This happens a lot.

As for the not listening. It is very normal. If you like, I can send you a couple of articles about boys and girls and their learning differences. And you are quite correct it is unlikely to be ADD. In fact a growing number of scientific experts are questioning that ADD even exists.
So let me know if you would like me to send you the info on the boys. If not, I highly recommend you purchase the book, "The Trouble With Boys" by Peg Tyre. It is an excellent overview of the dilemma faced by many parents of boys today and includes what can be done about it.
Good luck to you.
Z. Lightwway M.Ed

Oh L., I'm so sorry you are going through this! I wonder a couple of things:
1. Was your son's upbringing very difficult for him? It really sound like he has his own issues and he is throwing them on your son (projecting).
2. Is there a competitive relationship between your husband and the parents of the nephew?
3. Has your husband read any books about being a father to a son? I recommend "How to Raise a Modern-day Knight" (my husband really likes that one).

If you were able to have ECI come out, I am assuming that your son was a preemie or had another issue when he was a baby. I don't know a lot about them, but do know that they should be able to talk with you more about this and perhaps visit with your husband one on one (without you in the room). Does your husband have someone that he confides in? (besides you) I almost think this is turning into a couples-counseling situation, because he continues to exhibit behavior that is upsetting you. If his employer has a EAP benefit, they would be able to help you find a person to help work through these things.

Have you had someone watch this kids and gone somewhere to calmly discuss this with your spouse? I couldn't tell if you were only talking about it with him when he does it? It would be good for you both to get out and talk about it. Outline the points, but put it on you: "I'm concerned that it seems like you don't feel better about Billy even after ECI came out" and detail out the behaviors, taking care not to accuse, bring up other things, and work to maintain the focus on your own family and no one else.

Remember every child is unique. Developmental guidelines are GUIDELINES. Our son didn't want to potty train and was 3 years old when I finally said "ok, no more diapers" - we changed underwear often for a week, then it was done. Boys train later than girls, and boys who appear to be trained very young often have "relapses".

My final comment is that it is important no to have these discussions or fights in front of the kids. This is the time to build your child's sense of self esteem and these things can prevent him from doing that. Best wishes, good luck.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I totally understand why it would make you hesitant to see family this holiday season. Ugh.

I think you've already gotten some good advice, and I think asking ECI for an evaluation was a smart idea on your part. He sounds like a typcial two year old to me! And not being potty trained at 2-1/2 is actually normal for a boy, despite the nephew who is.

Is there anything that your son does better and earlier than the nephew or others? Maybe you could help hubby focus on that.

Honestly, it hurts my heart (and obviously yours) to hear that your hubby isn't thankful for his healthy son. My daughter had open-heart surgery at the age of 6 months, has had two hospitalizations (one of 62 days), and has had quite a few developmental delays. She truly IS behind her peers. She isn't potty trained either, and she is 4-1/2! Your husband needs to be reminded of how blessed your family is to have a healthy child. Maybe a visit to Texas Children's with some homebaked cookies would open his eyes to how truly blessed he is!

Sorry I don't have any better advice. *HUGS*

Sounds like you son is fine, but your husband has the problem. It also sounds like he doesn't see the things that your son is already doing. Does your husband know what what is appropriate for your son's age? Is there any way to educate him? Will he read a development book? Even a week-to-week or month-to-month development book might help your husband see how much your son already knows and help him to set the correct expectations. Just an idea. I think education is the answer. Good luck.

What a great question you've asked. I look forward to the responses you get. I would recommend printing out your question and responses and letting him read them. It's an honest depiction of how you feel. The insight from the other mommas here is always wonderful.

My son is a bright child and not developmentally delayed at all. He will be four in January. This week we have just started the "why" phase. Oh my goodness. If I would have realized, I would have enjoyed not being there until now a little more. My question is how long does it last? Potty training for children is on such a wide range of progress. I would turn more of the potty training over to your husband. My pedi told me that with boys, they learn faster and better when the father is strongly involved.

It is so easy for parents to take their child's developement for granted. I know I did and know others who have. My perspective changed when my daughter was born. She has Down syndrome. Maybe some exposure to a truly developmentally delayed child would give him a whole new outlook. It's easy to get in a "tiff" wanting your child to do more. But you have no idea how the breath can get knocked out of you until you are faced with true delays. You realize just how petty your previous feelings were.

Another important aspect to realize may be as well is that your son could be picking up on his father's dissatisfaction and making it a power play. Your husband's outlook could actually be delaying him more than helping.

The best thing I've ever read in a parenting book was "Don't compare your child to other children. Chill out. They are all doing the same thing at three anyway." Of course, I still do. It's almost impossible to not. But keep it under control and realize that God never intended for children or adults to be exactly alike. I even have my Down's daughter in a regular day care so she can learn from the others and I can have something to go by on her developement on a normal spectrum. I'm constantly comparing her to the others, but in a whole different manner than I ever would have before.

Look forward to getting together with your nephew. It's a great opportunity for children to learn from other children, aside from being just downright cute. Don't allow your husband's pettiness to step in the way of your child learning from others.

I hope you get some great responses here and really encourage you to share them all with your husband. I think honesty about feelings is the best and most effective way to get to a resolution. Right or wrong, if you feel a certain way, you just feel that way. It opens lines of communication and fosters a way for those feelings to level out and become a stronger team for your children.

I would even encourage him to join the group and post in his own words and concerns about your son and hear the perspectives from a group of parents such as this. Acknowledging and addressing your husband's fears and concerns (right or wrong) will bring about a quicker more solid resolution and leave a lot more room for your child to grow and prosper.

If you do the book route, I recommend the Baby Whisperer books. They even have a toddler version.

Merry Christmas!

Your last 3 or 4 sentences sum up exactly what is going on. Have you been blunt/ straight forward in telling your husband exactly that?
You have to be really straight with guys. As in right between the eyes straight. They usually have no idea what impact on feelings they have. (My husband always says, "I don't read minds. You're going to have to tell me what you are thinking.")

Book: Dad's Everything Book for Sons by John Trent and Greg Johnson. There is a little bit in there that discusses toddler years but it's a great book for many years to come.

Your husband feels like a lot of his identity is reflected by his son's skills & aptitudes. His ego is getting in the way of enjoying his son the way he is. OUCH! But true.

Last summer, there were 6 boys in one age group on summer swim team. The 4 fastest boys were selected for the Championship relay. All the boys were told this at the beginning of the season. Boy named "Billy" was the slowest...he was not selected. Billy's close friends were the 4 fastest. Billy understood---Billy's father went bananas!!! His son was not in a relay at Championships!! He was so furious. Asked me what he was supposed to do in the stands when the other boys swam that race! I told him, "cheer loudly for the whole team. That's what you do."
Dad's ego was way too tied up in son's athletic achievements!! Very, very sad.

Good luck and God Bless as you stop this now -- while your son is young and won't remember all the comparing later!

Have you tried talking to a family therapist? For your husband, not your child. He needs to get a grip. If he thinks that your 2.5 year old is not listening now...he is going to freak out when he gets to three and ignores you on purpose. And really....boys don't potty train until they are closer to three. Has he even talked to your pediatrician?

I think you need to figure out how to have a deeper conversation with your husband and see if he can share (or discover for himself) what the thing is that is underneath his fears about your son. Its clearly really important to him but its really not about your son its about your husband and something that happened to him or means something to him - you really cannot figure it out unless he can share it and you can be supportive about whatever it is. My husband can be in a place where he is really worried about my son's education and achievement and this usually comes from him feeling like no one pushed him when he was a kid and he would have done better in school (and in life) if he had gotten a better education. This is pretty heavy stuff especially if your spouse feels stuck now based on things that happened 25 years ago.

Just curious...how does your husband feel about you being home with the kids in general? Most men have no idea how much work it is to take care of kids at home, especially if you are sleep deprived because of a new baby. Your husband may be feeling neglected because the kids take up so much of your attention at this age; even though it's really hard, can you go out of your way to do something for him that he really likes? He may be feeling jealous of the kids too, strangely enough, since he probably used to be your sole focus. And he may be one of those guys who really just doesn't like the responsibility of providing all the income while you stay home (I hope that's not the case, but I've experienced it personally).

Rather than nagging and complaining, or giving him parenting books (which is almost sure to backfire), I highly recommend you just go out of your way to take care of him a little more. Have you read The Five Languages of Love? Find out what his primary love language is so you can focus your limited energy on what is most important to him! I suspect some TLC will go the longest way to putting him in the mood to understand that you still do love him, and that this intensive phase of parenting will not last forever (because your son does seem pretty advanced; mine weren't potty trained until 3 and 4, and that's not uncommon).

My husband left me nearly five years ago, partly because he didn't think I was "doing enough." I was homeschooling our three kids in a way that was very different from public school, but when they entered school in second and fourth grades, they did just fine. None of them could do what your son can do at 2 1/2 because I just didn't push academic skills so early. My kids were just fine, and it seems like your son is too. Please don't allow the negativity from your husband to make you feel like you're not doing enough. I don't think that's the real issue.

So many of the things you're talking about are a matter of temperament more than development. I have two kids (girl 4.5 and a boy almost 2). Their temperaments are totally different. She was slow to potty train and even talked late. Not because she's not smart (she's actually super smart), but because she is very strong willed. Potty training became this elaborate battle of wills between her and I. Any time I pressured too much, she'd just refuse. She wasn't fully potty trained until after she was three, which I think is still well within normal range.
My son, whom I'm no potty training, is almost fully potty trained and he's not even two. But he's a very biddable child. I tell him to do something and he just does it. Also a smart kid, but he follows directions.
My daughter also had trouble listening to directions and following them. I remember when she was about 20 months asking my hubby how old she would be before she listened to me and followed my directions. "Probably about 25." was his answer. <g>
My point is, maybe your son, like my daughter, is just strong willed. Maybe your nephew, is just a biddable child. Neither is right or wrong. It's just personality. Maybe looking at it that way can help your husband make peace with it.
You might also keep in mind that sometimes parents have a hard time relating to the child who is most like them. If your husband is strong willed and your son is also strong willed, they might just butt heads a lot. (Of course, maybe I'm completely wrong about that assessment. I'm just guessing here.) But if it is something like that, helping your husband recognize it now and finding ways to work around it, may save a lot of heartache in the future.
I definitely agree that your husband is working through something beyond just fear that your son is delayed. It sounds like a bigger issue than potty-training etc.

I'm sorry, it does sound like your husband has some unrealistic expectations.

How about buying your husband some parenting books for Christmas- maybe a book on toddler development and/or one on how to talk to (and around) children. Or even books on how to foster creativity/genius. Personally in terms of parenting advice I like "How to Talk so Kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and "The Happiest toddler on the block" and the "No cry discipline solution".

Of course if he asks why the books don't tell him it is because he has been negative. Just say something positive like "you are such a caring parent to worry- lets learn more about how we can help our child succeed in life" or "gee you are so interested in child development (which is great!) I knew you would love these books."

It is really hard not to compare kiddos, even though you aren't really supposed to. Hopefully if your husband learns more he will worry less, or at least make less out-loud comparisons.

Reminds me of the book Siblings Without Rivalry even though your son is being compared to his cousin instead of his sibling. The idea is the the same. By comparing two children, the child will stop trying because the child will think he is not good at things and give up. He will become competitive, he will hate his cousin, he will hate his dad for thinking he is not good enough, his self-esteem will suffer, etc. If you think back to when you were a child and compared to someone else, did that help or hurt you? Also, instead of valuing effort, when you praise for ability, it sets up children up to an ideal they will never reach because there will always be someone better. This article talks about a few things I mentioned.

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I've had a similar problem with my husband comparing our oldest two children. Our oldest (a boy) is quite advanced. He was reading some easy books by the time he turned 4, and by the time he started kindergarten, he was reading at an upper 2nd grade level. He could count to 100 before he started kinder (he was so proud that he counted to 100 before he was even 5--though he turned 5 the next day!) He could also do some simple addition and subtraction, and his ability to reason sometimes astounded me. (And by the way, for all of that, he didn't potty-train until about a month after he turned 3.)

Our second (a girl) was born when our oldest was almost 2 1/2, and my husband has often compared their development. I have told him numerous times that it isn't fair to compare them when we simply haven't been able to devote the same kind of attention to her that we devoted to him; it's just not possible with multiple children. The thing is, she's quite smart, too, and she's now reading quite well and won't start kindergarten until next fall.

But we had one moment, back when my son was in kindergarten, where she was completely demoralized by something her father said to her, and I think it was finally a wake-up call that he needs to let up on the comparisons. She was 3 1/2 or so at the time and was 'reading' a book; it was a very repetitive book about going on a walk on a farm with basically the same thing on each page, but a different animal and its sounds. She was reading it saying, 'I went on a walk. I met a pig. The pig says oink-oink.' Well, my son sat across from her and kept saying, 'No, the pig says oink, not oink-oink.' I kept telling him to leave her alone; she was doing just fine on her own without his help, but he just wouldn't let up. Finally, my husband steps in and says, 'It's okay, son, we all know she's not as smart as you.' I jumped all over him (I was PISSED!), and he defended himself by saying that he meant it 'relatively,' but I maintained that children don't understand 'relativity' and all our daughter heard was that daddy doesn't think she's as smart as her brother. I was talking to her that night, telling her how smart she is, and she said in a pitiful little voice, 'No, I'm not. I just write my name in capitals.' (Another thing my son had chastized her for.) I told her her brother used to do the same thing before he went to kindergarten and it didn't mean in anyway that she's not as smart as he is.

It was really at that moment that I decided to push the reading a little harder with her than I did with my son--and by pushing it I mean I did reading lessons with her without forcing her to do them when she wasn't interested (the book Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons is fantastic, by the way; we've only finished 60 lessons or so (that's how much I've 'pushed' it!), and she's reading really, really well). Anyway, I felt like learning to read would give her a boost in confidence, and I think it has. She's still really self-conscious, however, about her dad hearing her read. I think it's part of her shyness and lack of confidence that she doesn't like for anyone but me to hear her read, and she doesn't like answering people's questions because she's afraid of getting the wrong answer. I tend to think that a lot of this is just her personality (I was also really insecure and lacking confidence as a child), but I sometimes wonder how much this stems from her brother overshadowing her and her father's expectations that she live up to his (her brother's) standards, but at least my husband has ceased to compare them quite so much, and never in her hearing again.

I hope you are able to make your husband understand how much this could hurt your son's feelings if he overhears him say something and destroy the confidence we all want to see our children have.

Neither of my sons were potty trained until almost 3. The not listening thing lasts forever. Boys just do not listen...Your husband does it too. Case in point. The nephew is obviously the "perfect" child in the family. Great! That takes the pressure off of your kid and save you therapy bills later.

L. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But, I think you asked the question yourself...Why can't he just be happy that your son is healthy & happy? All kids develop in their own time and it seems to me that your son is just fine. What would your husband do with a diagnosis of "something"?????

Good luck,
DH

Some of the potty training can be also what you or your husband had as a child. Check with his mother and find out how he did at this age in potty training and your mother also.Some children have this problem until they are almost in school. Your ped. should also be able to answer some of your questions. Went through this with both of mine.