Husband Having Trouble Accepting New Son...

My oldest son is the spitting image of my husband. Hubby is native American, and I'm white, blonde, and blue eyed. Baby #1 is tan, brown eyed, w brown hair. He looks JUST like daddy when he was L.! Baby #2 is lighter complected, blonde hair and blue eyes! Hubbys dad is white w blue eyes, so we knew that was a possibility.

My husband gets comments about how different #2 looks from him, but he always mentions "Well, he has my feet and ears!" Hubby is so proud that #2 has his distinctive, long baby toe, and definitely has the same ears as daddy and #1!

Remind hubby of how much baby DOES look like him, despite the difference in complection :)

Too bad he does not understand how genes work. When a friend of mine
has all dark haired italian kids. Then out comes this red headed lighter skin
baby. We all laughed because we all know how years later a dormant gene
appears. Same with another friend. If you can get someone to draw up
a chart of relatives and explain it to him maybe it will help. Sorry you are
going thru this.

We have 4 siblings in the family (1 boys/3 girls) .. 3 all brown hair/brown eyes. The 4th born had blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes. Never in my dad's mind was she not his. His mom and sister also have these traits. There's no way I would do a paternity test just to ease his childish behavior. We've all joked about her being the milk man's (like that exists any more, right!??!) but never for a second was there any doubt in his heart and mind. Hope he gets over this soon and stops acting ridiculous.

He was hoping son would look like him.
He is Hawaiian.
This is not a common heritage/culture.
But... remind your Husband, that Hawaiian people are very very gracious... and often, take in "Hanai" children.
Your and his son, are yours.
But, your baby son, resembles his multi-ethnic heritage.
My kids are Hapa. Tell your Husband.
So, my kids have darker hair... but on my daughter's legs for example, there are some blond and even red, hairs.
On my son's head, there are also some Red or Blond hairs.
Although, both me and my Husband have dark hair.
But my Husband's side, is more "Haole" and has more variance in that sense.

Your Husband, cannot get over the "appearance" of your baby.
BUT, many times, the hair color changes as the child gets older.
My Husband was born Blonde. But as he got older, he is Brunette with dark brown hair.

TELL your Husband... he is Hawaiian. Be Proud. Because... this is a culture, that is known for its grace and graciousness... and its "Aloha" spirit and loving.... for all kinds of people.
So many kids, are born "Hapa" and that is the beauty of it. Because, Hawaii is made up of the colors of a rainbow. Not all one color.
Your and his baby... resembles the "rainbow" of your entire family.
But being a Hawaiian Man... he probably just really wished, that his Hawaiian background, was more obvious in his baby.
That's okay.
Because, Hawaiian people... are, very special and not found all over the world.
They are the indigenous people, of Hawaii. Only, of Hawaii.
Tell your Husband, appearance is not important.
But he already knows that.

And, there are also many light skinned/haired Hawaiians, even with light eyes.
ie: the Cazimero's of the Hawaiian music industry here in Hawaii.
Your Husband, should know that.

But since your Husband has his 1st son, and being Hawaiian... I am sure he had hope son would reflect his Hawaiian heritage.
Don't worry.
Your Husband can teach him and nurture him in the Hawaiian way.

***Your Family, needs to stop making comments about the baby and how he looks like your brothers, instead.
How insulting.
Not respectful to your Husband.
And, I imagine, your Husband must live with that EVERYday. Being he is in your part of the world and near your family... not his.

Really, as you said, your Husband's reaction, did not start until Your Family, started making comments about the baby and how the baby looks like them, not your Husband.
Really, hurtful to your Husband.
You really... need to tell your family, to stop it.

Does your Husband... have ANY family/relatives nearby?
They should come to visit.

We were told by the birthing class, the hospital and several books that it is normal for dads to take up to 6 months to feel a connection to the child.

That said, my wife and I dealt with the same issue. We're both dark complected and had a blonde/blue son. It can be rattling (regardless of your relationship) to continually hear strangers, family and friends ask "so where did the blonde/blue come from?".

We quickly adopted an answer as we recognized this was going to be THE question for the next 18 years. It's from the grandparents. We pointed out a couple family members that also have blonde/blue and that puts the questions to bed.

Tell your husband from me - I had to stop playing the "what if" game too. I figured that a DNA test will only rip apart a marriage. I trust my wife, and had to tell the questioner in my head to F off. It didn't happen overnight, but he has to make a choice - test or no test. Pick one and get on with it (and your life). He'll feel a ton of relief after he makes that decision - I know I did.

PS - take a quiet poll of some cousins. We found one that was also blond/blue to dark parents and the boy got brown hair about 13yo!

If you know darn well it's your husband's child as does he. Then sorry, but your husband needs to get over it and help love and care for his son.... Geez... oh he doesn't look like me is so pathetic and egotistical.. Not judging you here, but in regards to your husband, he is the one who should be seeking help for himself, not you.... the problem isn't yours to resolve... Also, if he feels so horrible as you say.. then why isn't he seeking professional help......... sounds to me like you are trying to resolve his feelings while at the same time yours... Personally, I think you have a right to be really pissed off. I sure would be.. but at the same time, It's either sink or swim.. as mentioned, if hubby is so upset.. then let him find a group for fathers and discuss his feelings.. YOU can't manage his feelings, that is HIS job.... If you want to help, give him a list of men's groups that he can join. Surely, he isn't the only person in the world who has felt this way... Although, makes me wonder what else might be behind it... maybe he can talk about that too...

I know this must be very stressful for both of you, but your husband needs to put on his daddy pants and suck it up. So his son isn't his "mini-me" BIG DEAL! NONE of my daughters look like me...doesn't that mean I don't have to love and care for them? Seriously, he's acting like a child. Tell him to either suck it up and act like a father or get some professional help.

And I know you think it *might* help, but I would be BEYOND hurt and pissed if my husband even considered asking for a paternity test! Talk about a slap in the face :o(

A child that doesn't look similar will solicit comments, so maybe he should find a way to deal with those comments. "He takes after his mother's side" or "He's the golden version" or whatever you might find funny and remind people to shut up. My aunt (whose son is Korean and she is white) would get, "Why didn't you adopt one of your own kind?" She said, "What, he's not human?" I would also tell friends and family (like your mom) to knock it off. Ask her why she thinks it's funny and tell her she's not being kind to imply something untoward.

It might also help to pass the baby to him when the baby is calm or give him a task that's "daddy time". Babies cry and mothers soothe. My DD did it to DH, too. It's not personal.

Does your son like to be carried? Would DH put on the carrier while you walk as a family? Would he like to pick out the boy's clothes or get matching outfits? Any favorite books he'd like to share? Or music? What dreams does he have for his boy? Do you have pictures of DH as a baby where you could put both baby photos side by side in black and white so the similarities show more? Might be a good one for his desk.

I think that it will get better. He wants it to get better. Just keep finding ways for them to bond.

(Know what's also funny about science? My SIL's son was born platinum blonde and now has dark hair. Not saying that your boy will become dark haired, but it's not unheard of. My own daughter is a redhead in a family of brunettes and ACTS like him but LOOKS like me. DH says, "Genetic recombination.")

I think that the paternity test is unnecessary. What's necessary is you and DH coming up with a way to deal with the peanut gallery. Don't let THEM ruin HIS love for HIS child.

Sorry, but I have a feeling there's more to this story.

M.. how difficult and sad must be for both of you and for your baby.
I think, make that a I know, some man don't get the connection with the baby right away.
My husband was very bla when our baby girl born.
He also told me that the day he just fall over her was one day when he came back from a trip, she was just a few weeks old, he pick her up while she was sleeping and she woke up, "smiled" at him and went back to sleep.
He said that was it, he was so in love.
I have never have the nerve to tell him that they don't smile that young and most likely what he thought was a smile was a fart, lol.
Some men take longer to bond with their kids, some dads love their first kids so much they have trouble see how they can share their love.
If what is going on in here is not that, but he is just letting the comments about he maybe not being the father affect him, perhaps the test would help, and if you are going to do it do it now. But he has to understand that some people are stupid and the comments would still there, I hope he can get to hold his baby and say: Yeah, I had MY baby, with my wife, not a printer.

Best wishes.

He needs to seek professional help-it sounds like he may have some unresolved issues with his father-like he didn't live up to his father's expectations-and subconsciously-your son doesn't have a chance right out of the gate.

Your husband needs to get over it. When you have a couple with different ethnic backgrounds, you never know what the kids will look like. My husband is Mexican, Italian and Polish, he looks very Latino. I am Scottish & German-very fair skinned with blue eyes. Our oldest is the spitting image of Daddy (but a female version-looks just like her aunts when they were little). Our middle child looks like me and my side of the family. He has light skin and blue eyes. Our baby boy looks exactly like Daddy and big Sis. A few people have made comments about how my middle child looks nothing like the other two. Somebody just said it to me the other day. It's very irritating and offensive. My husband has never seemed bothered by it, and I'm glad because it's ridiculous.

Well if there was absolutely no possibility that your son is not his, I would be upset if he thought that he wasn't and that was the source of his issue with the baby not looking like him. If it is just that he doesn't look like dad, you can remind him that he has another side of his family and does seem to take after them for his coloring. Additionally, remind him that eye color can change. you can always ask him "Do you want a paternity test?" or "Do you need for us to have a paternity test done?". If he says yes, then I suggest that he you reach an agreement like "When the test comes back, I need to know that you will get over the "looks" of our son and be the dad you have always been to our daughter to both of our kids".

Dads aren't moms and sometimes it is just harder for them.

As for other people's comments, you can't stop them but you can say "I know, isn't it amazing how they can look like their grandparents or even aunts and uncles instead of the parents?"

Sorry, if there is no way this baby is anyone else's, I would be beyond upset that my husband was asking for a paternity test. To me that is insulting to you and your marriage.

Our daughter didn't look like us AT ALL. I wasn't sure whose kid she was! Didn't look like me didn't look like her dad. But she looks just like my mom did when she was little. DD had blond/red hair and steel blue eyes. Her grandfather (fil) is german. My husband is olive skin, dark hair and brown eyes (just like his mom). I'm a red head with green eyes. So, she got my mom's hair, her grandfather's eyes and her daddy's skin coloring. She tans super easy in the summer! Pisses me off!!!

DS on the other hand, was a mini daddy when he was born. The doctor took one look at the baby and said to my husband "you can't deny this one"! That being said, son doesn't have his coloring AT ALL! Dark hair, casper white (just like me), and hazel eyes. He now looks a lot like me and hates when people say "you look just like your mom"!

I looked nothing like my mom. She was very tall and I am very short. I am my father's side of the family. My brother is my mother's side of the family. Its a mixed bag. Your husband needs to put his big boy pants on and get over it.

Our very Caucasian looking son doesn't resemble my Hispanic husband and there can be tons of comments. However, I personally put a stop right quick to all those comments. Nothing works quite like a firm stare and the following, "Since I know I slept with only my husband, I can tell you unequivocally our child is OUR child." Once the crickets can be heard loud and clear, I or my husband change the topic.

I personally would refuse to do a paternity test. It's an insult in my opinion. Either my husband believes I only slept with him or he doesn't. I would refuse to take ownership of the issue. I would be supportive to a certain point but then I would put my foot down. To be totally frank the child is his so he needs to shut up and step up.

By way of explanation of my attitude I think people need to learn boundaries. A rude question should be put in its place. Also I think a marriage is between two people. Your husband has allowed other people's comments to enter into your marriage. That is just wrong. I would not agree to a paternity simply to put his fears/unease/discomfort to rest. If this whole mess started because of the comments, then it really doesn't have anything to do with you. It has to do with your husband. So why is he allowing these comments to chip away at his marriage and relationship with you? You shouldn't act like the paternity test is no big deal. We had to do one for my stepdaughter and it carries with its own set of emotional issues and potentialdamage. Fundamentally the test is a physical embodiment of distrust.

Is your husband actually thinking that the baby isn't his or is he just upset that the baby isn't exactly like him?

Edit* M., I just went back and read your question from Dec. 4th and how you asked a similar question. My honest opinion is that your husband is being self centered and childish. Have you told your husband how sad this is making you? HUGS!!!

My oldest was a white blond until the age of 4.......I have dark hair and so did his bio dad. He also had silvery blue eyes that changed to brown at the age of 1 1/2......so tell daddy to chill that his coloring can change.

welcome to my world. Almost got a divorce over daughter number two, and tired of the CONSTANT need to explain to my husband that genetics are the reason our daughter looks different. My husband is from INDIA. He is of the lighter skinned and hair stock, but still brown and exotic. His family have a number of green eyed, and auburned haired individuals. SO obviously he carries some recessive genes.
I am American, my makeup is German, and Native American. So my mom (german) was super fair, black haired, and blue eyed. My dad (3/4 native american) was copper skinned, black haired and eyed.... BUT his dad (gramps) had Ice blue eyes. I am fair skinned, reddish blonde, grey eyes.

Our first daughter is a clone of my husband, in a lighter brown-olive tone. Her hair is Chestnut. Her eyes darker brown than his. Our second daughter shocked the HELL out us frankly.
I did a triple take when they handed her to me. White blonde hair, blue eyes, and skin like Porcelain. He didnt take to her either. HE KNOWS, she is his. If you look at pictures of them together they look alike. Its the color. Plus everyone else commenting about her "complexion" and her fairness. They dont mean to say anything negative but it eats at him. It took him over 9 months to just want to hold or do much with her.
Our son, was born again with all dads coloration and looks. Spitting image. So no problem there.
Dont know if it helps, but it does get easier. With my husband, they have formed a tight bond now that D can communicate with him. She is 2, and shows far more traits that he adores than the other 2... despite her coloration, she enjoys the same taste, the same likes, she has an affinity to learn his language, and show MUCH more interest in him for cuddling and companionship. Maybe in some way she knew he was rejecting her, so she upped the game in a natural way. She became more endearing to him as she became aware of him. NOW she is inseparable and the two girls FIGHT for him. She tends to want him more than me now.
It still irks him to take her anywhere with out me along, he fears people might thing he is stealing her, cause they dont look alike. Many people he has not seen before she was born, ask him who she is and why she is with him. I know it bothers him still. His parents had a bit of a time accepting her too. They questioned his paternity in front of me ONCE... I am a respectful woman to him and his family but that was out of line, and I told them so in broken very emotional HINDI. We are all good now, but it took 2 years to get there.

ADDITIONAL: my first Pediatrician, was a White, blonde, blue eyed American man. He married a very dark, black haired, black eyed South Indian woman. They had a nice mixed son, and then she got pregnant with fraternal twins. ONE is blonde, blue eyed and the other, darker than her with jet black hair and eyes. NO ONE believes they are twins. I can only imagine the explanations they have to do.

Do you have any photographs of your relatives with the light eyes and hair that you can put up on the walls or bookshelves? Especially if you have any COLOR photos.... that might really help.

My first thought was that you should get a paternity test to prove it to your husband. If he has any doubt for any reason (real or not) he should get that proof. With both our kids it took my husband a long time before he came around with wanting to be with them (several months) but he would hold them and help me when I was not avalible (shower,bathroom , exausted ) Weather its some counciling or a paternity test he should be helping you and your family. Its a little off even for the fathers (my own husband) who arent that great with kids or babies.

Ask him what you can do to help him feel more connected to his child.

If that means that you go and have a paternity test, suck up your offended feelings and do this for him. I know it sounds ridiculous and unfair...but do it for him anyhow.

We don't all bond with children in the same way. I think backing up a bit may actually help him. Seems like your hearts are giving all of the reasons that he should be accepting him and just head over heels. But you can't force that, even through logic. It's a good sign that hubby feels bad about this, it says that his heart is in the right place. So letting him know that you understand he was expecting this baby to look like him as well, especially being a boy, and it's hard that he doesn't look like him. In a way, he just needs to sit with that and even grieve a bit for the loss of that hope. And then in time, he will find his own way to bond with baby, he will come around. I think forcing it makes him feel worse because he is not feeling what he thinks he should be feeling. Let him have his 'moment'.

However, in the mean time, he needs to help! He can have his feelings and you are giving him space for that. But he is already bonded with you- so HELP!. In the process, he will bond. If he doesn't, then you need to look deeper, but right now I think if he gets involved in the routine of caretaking, he will soon find himself more in love with this baby.

Good luck, and congrats!

Until the time comes when your son is older and they can bond over playing catch and playing trucks, I suggest you at least bridge the gap by getting your husband to step up and HELP YOU. Regardless of whether your son looks like his dad, there is a small, helpless infant in your household who needs attention from BOTH parents, and a tired Mommy who COULD USE A LITTLE HELP! It sounds like he genuinely is a nice guy, so the fact that you're doing every feeding, every change, every wake up, means that you must be exhausted! The situation you describe is not acceptable to YOU, let alone to your son. If he's losing his patience, have him acknowledge that he needs to take a deep breath, be the adult and get through it. Seriously - he doesn't have the patience to change a diaper, give the baby a bottle? Get him to BE THE ADULT, STEP UP & HELP OUT A LITTLE!!!
One other thing troubling about this dynamic, is that you're going to find that your daughter does need some one-on-one time with you. Right now, you are the sole care-giver for the baby, so what does she get? I suggest you solve both problems by taking your daughter for a one-on-one day (or afternoon) just with you. Head to a bounce place, a park, a kids dollar movie, lunch with just you. And leave husband at home with the baby. Remind him of some of the coping strategies that he learned the first time with your daughter, and some others that your son likes. Leave plenty of bottles for him to use to soothe the little guy. Do this regularly, so that your son gets used to your husband, and you husband starts to feel confident with his parenting skills.
At a minimum, you'll get a bit of a break.
I've heard that most kids prefer one parent's attention over the other, and I think dads have a particularly hard time during this early infant stage when they can't really interact much with their babies - not like they can play ball or anything. But that time will come, IF he invests the time now to build a relationship with your son. Dad's don't do everything the same way as mom - they have their unique way of interacting & soothing the baby. It might not be better, or the same - it's just different. Your son needs to adjust to different ways of soothing, and your husband needs to know that he can find his own unique way of handling the baby.

I don't know if this helps, but when my nieces were both born (they are half Causausian & half African-American), they were both incredibly pale. They darkened as soon as they were exposed to sunlight for a little while (during their first summers) and now have cafe-au-lait type skin. They also had blue eyes that changed to brown in one case and hazel in the other.

Also, the blue eyes may very well go away--within 6 months. Also, it's very common for hair to darken, too. My brother was a blond until he was 4, and it now a medium brown, and the same with my husband.

Also, if this helps, my son has blue eyes and blue hair, and my husband & I have blue eyes (we're both brown haired). We get lots of people asking where DS got his blue eyes, right are people look us dead in the face. Duh--did you look at my or DH's eyes??? :)\

Get the baby a couple of white onesies and dye (or tie dye them) and write with fabric markers - Yes he is my daddy. It's called recessive genes! :)

I don't look like my family! They have blonde hair, are of a larger build and all have brown eyes. I'm 6', willowy, have dark hair and green eyes. For the longest time I thought I was adopted.
My husband's best friend is half mexican. His brothers and sisters(all 5) look mexican-Lupe on the other hand is 6'4" with red hair!
My daughter is half mexican-she looks exactly like me-white lol! My mil used to comment all the time in my presence about how my daughter didn't look like my DH.
My point is genetics are a funny thing. I really don't know how to help your husband-it seems kind of petty to not accept your own child because they don't look like you but I can understand wanting your baby to look like you.
Have you tried asking him what is really bothering him? Maybe he is just jealous of the attention the baby gets? I definitely would suggest counseling-you are right, babies do pick up the negativity! Something needs to be done-sooner the better. Also make a date with your husband-maybe you can get him to open up or at least reconnect with him.

I suppose the test will help a bit. What a shame tho it must put a damper on your relastionship to have to prove your faithfulness. But really I guess it will help. Then I would suggest you spend a lot off evenings and weekends sitting next to your husband while he holds the baby and you both goo goo at him and smile and carress his little face and make all sorts of sweet faces at him so baby starts to feel safe and comfortable in dads arms and will know you approve of him as the dad and caretaker.(you can hold your daughter at the same time to help her see you all as a strong loving family unit) Also it will keep baby happier to have you right there and dad will calm down and relax enough to hold baby on his own later. It has also occured to me that dad may be feeling a bit guilty that he loves another child and thinks your daughter will be jealous of his time and affection toward the son. You know some of us love our first so much we cant imagine loving anyone else as much, and it makes us feel guilty to have strong feelings for another baby. It just takes time to realize that our hearts can be filled with love for all our kids, no matter the number. So try staying close to the baby while dad holds him and get baby used to the feel and touch of dad so they can go on to moments alone without the stress of an unfamiliar parent.