August 05, 2008,
M.F. asks from Fort Worth, TX on August 05, 2008
Husband Has Locked His Phone
Hi Mammas! I am in need of some advice. I do NOT want anything negative, as I am 8 weeks pregnant, and am very emotional. Im just looking for some ideas. My husband recently got a new cell phone contract, because he is transfering to another unit in the police dept, and so he had to give back his county phone. He has locked his new phone, and will not tell me the password. This would not be such a big deal if we had not had a couple of trust isssues in the past with him talking to women in the past. I dont believe he has ever cheated on me, but he has pushed the eneveolpe more than others. Right now it has a power of the wills. He doesnt want to tell me the pass word, b/c he wants me to stay out of his stuff, and I feel like this is a deal breaker, and he feels like my "pregnancy hormones" are all out of whack. I want him to see my side of it rationally. Please help!
So What Happened?™
Thank you to everyone that responded. I went home last night, and learned that he has just been EXTREMLY stressed at work, and my confronting him was the straw that broke the camels back. NOT that its OK, but it makes more sense. We had a long talk, and he gave me the password, and so its done now. Thank you guys again for everything!
C.H. answers from Dallas on August 05, 2008
I would suggest that you two try to get to a marriage counselor, if you haven't already. My opinion is that it's better to get counseling BEFORE you have serious issues so that you know how to handle things when it gets rough. Since you have already had some trust challenges, I think it's more than perfect timing. I hope he would be open to it. You don't need the extra stress while pregnant and maybe you would both be able to share your feelings and get through them to move on. He may not be doing anything wrong, but may be feeling like he needs something that is "his own" you know? By "controlling" his phone, he feels like he's holding one to some independence or something. Or, it could be that he's hiding something. Who knows? But, it's no good for this to be an issue between you. Try the counseling...if he won't go, I guess the best thing would be to try and sit down and rationally (not emotionally) walk through why this concerns you. Make sure you have him in a "safe" place where he doesn't feel cornered and time it when you are both mentally in a state to talk. Just list out the whys - you can even acknowledge that maybe hormones are making you a little more emotional about it, but that doesn't mean it's not a real issue that needs to be worked out.
Best of luck with this and the new baby!!
T.T. answers from Dallas on August 05, 2008
I think you are right that it is a deal breaker! Esp. since the trust issues.
My father was a cop as well and my mom found out the hard way but sadly he did more than talk.
If he has nothing to hide than he should not be locking his phone.
I have heard the sang..."Does one protest TOO much?" They tend to be guilty. Of cource with lack of evidence there is nothing you can accuse him of...since the locked phone.
I say if you are paying for it...get the phone records.
BUT and this is a BIG BUT.
You are 8 weeks preg. is this "KNOWING" of informaion going to be what you want to know. Right now ignorance is bliss...
I would wait and push the subject after the baby is born.
I would hate to be in your shoes and there is nothing I can say that can make it better.
I know when my soon to be husband was talking to his Ex I told him it was a deal breaker for me. And I ment it!!!! I told him he had to choose a life with me or a friendship with her. No exeptions! He chose me and now we have a beautiful little girl.
If it is in fact a DEAL BREAKER you need to stand by those words. Are you willing to leave him at 8 weeks preg. Or stay with him and trust issues.
I learned that "Love can not live where there is no trust!" mythology Cupid and Psyche.
Good luck to you and yours!
J.H. answers from Dallas on August 05, 2008
Give him a chance. He might have work stuff on there that you dont need to see.
Try not to dwell on the past. It doesnt help your relationship nor does it help the baby.
But do tell him how you feel. And then try to leave it there.
Good luck and keep your chin up
E.D. answers from Dallas on August 05, 2008
As I have been there and done that myself, I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel, with the exception being that mine actually did cheat. Here's what I would ask you, though. Is he giving you any other indication at all to not trust him? Is anything else happening with him that is giving you this fear, or is it just the phone? Because if it's just the phone, I say be forthright and express your fears to him (really open up), and then let it go. Being 8 weeks pregnant is a bundle of emotions as it is, without adding this on top of it.
If nothing else is going on with him, I think the best thing you can do for both of you right now is to try to let go of that fear - for both your sakes. I know what that can do to a relationship, how the fear of something happening can overpower and undermine everything good about what's between the 2 of you.
If this is his first kiddo, or the first time dealing with a baby in the house, he's probably scared stupid right now (but won't ever admit that to you). I say try and find some quiet time between the 2 of you to just be by yourselves - if it's a dinner out, or just sitting on the front porch after your son has gone down and talk about your days. If you keep that connection alive with him, you'll be able to come through this a lot easier.
I wish you luck, girl, and my heart goes out to you. If it's any consolation, just know that someone else knows it feels like to be where you are, and has come out the other side of it with a stronger and more secure relationship.