November 29, 2008,
C.B. asks from Saint Peters, MO on November 28, 2008
Husband Had an Affair...
This is a tough one... and when you read this you will probably think I am crazy for even considering working on my marriage, but I love my husband and believe in the vows I took.
I found out about 4 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair. The other woman told me by sending me a text message. They met online and started talking in late July and met for the first time the beginning of August. Turns out she is about 11 weeks pregnant with his child. The day I found out he packed his clothes and stayed with her for the first five nights. Then he moved back into our home and has been home since then. He told me he hasn't been talking to her, but I found out a couple days ago by looking at our detailed cell phone bill that he has been talking to her every single day. We had our first session of marriage counseling on Thurs and the counselor basically told him that he has to end the relationship with her and cut off ALL contact if he wants our marriage to work. I have also given him this ultimatum. I understand that there will have to be contact once the baby is born (if it turns out to even be his - we will get a paternity test) His excuse for talking to her is that she is having his child and he can't just abandon her. Well she knew he was married with two kids and got herself into this situation, so I feel like that is the risk she took. I have love my husband (and we have two little boys) and I have told him that I will accept this child into my life. No matter how painful this will be, it is something I have to do. The killer of this whole situation is that we were trying to get pregnant with our 3rd, so I feel like he gave her the baby that we were planning. We don't really know what kind of parental rights he will have - she is saying that she will battle to her death so that the baby will be nowhere near me, which is pretty unrealistic since it's father is my husband.
I am taking this day by day. Some days I feel ok and I think to myself that he is home with me and if he wanted to be with her he would be. Other days I think of the reality of her having my husband's child and it kills me. We are a Catholic family and I am so ashamed. I don't know how we will explain this to our boys or our friends/neighbors/school etc. His family and mine are both supporting me. They want us to work this out if we can but know how hard this will be. Everyone knows that what he did was wrong. He tells me every day how sorry he is and that he would NEVER cheat on me ever again. He tells me he hopes this child turns out not to be his. I can tell that he knows he made a huge mistake. And now that we are both discussing what happened, we both think that she planned this pregnancy b/c he wasn't leaving his wife. She told him she couldn't get pregnant b/c of fertility problems and said it was ok not to use protection. Dumb on his part too, but he wasn't thinking with the right head.
Has anyone experienced this kind of situation or know anyone that has? I have support from friends and family but no one has experienced anything close to this so it is hard for them to put themselves in my shoes.
G.N. answers from St. Louis on November 28, 2008
I know of a friend of mine that it happened to, she had 1 daughter and got pregnant again and was pregnant with twins. She found out that her husband cheated on her while she was pregnant but he didnt get anyone pregnant, but she stuck by him even tho he cheated, and guess things are going OK, with them, just that trust issue will always be there, and if he isnt home on time I am sure she will always be wondering where he is.
I just hope you and him can work things out, just remember this you are giving him a chance to make things better and gave him that ultimatium. He screws up again then atleast you know you tried to make it work.
Hopefully the women he got pregnant that baby dont turn out to be his.
S.G. answers from St. Louis on November 29, 2008
C., I am very sorry for your trial, but I am also so proud of how strong you are.
I have several things to say here and I hope that it is helpful. I had a friend once who went through a very similar situation and she wanted to forgive her husband. All of us, friends and family alike thought she was crazy and we all told her to move on and leave him. We were very wrong to give that kind of advice. She truly loved him and wanted to forgive him and put it behind them.
She and he worked on it and decided the best thing for both of them would be a fresh start. They moved out of the area and away from all reminders. They started over with their life together and are still very happy in their marriage.
He broke a vow to you and that is a betrayal that goes deeper than any other. Having the child in your life will be a constant reminder, and ready or not having the child in your life means having her in your life.
I hope this child is not his but the chances are good that they are. You have one thing in your favor, babies are easy to love no matter who thier mother is. That baby is not to blame for any of this and I know you will be able to love it and care for it the way all babies should be loved and cared for.
As far as your feelings toward this woman go, she did betray you no matter what anyone says. There is a unspoken rule among women, if he is married leave him alone. She betrayed you by taking what was not her to have andyou have every right to be angry with her. You also have every right to be angry with him. Forgiveness comes from a heart that is capable of love and understanding. When you can forgive you are so much farther along than the rest of humanity. Forgetting is harder. I dont know that you are ever able to forget. You will always question his loyalty. He will be late, or not give an answer that you believe and you will remember.
I believe there are laws that exist in this world that are as constant as the law of gravity. One of those laws is trust. When you break that law of trust there is a result. When you break the law of gravity you fall to the ground and you get hurt. When you break the law of trust, trust falls to the ground and it is hard to repair it.
I believe that you can forgive him, and if that is what you want I support that decision. I also believe that the road ahead of you is going to be a hard one that will impact your whole family forever. There is no way to forget something that will forever be there. This is not going to be easy but it is something that can be done. One thing that I would recommend though, allow him to do the telling. He is responsible for making sure that those who need to know are aware of the situation. That is not your responsibility, it is his and you should not take on yourself.
God bless, and take care.
A.R. answers from St. Louis on November 29, 2008
Wow I am sorry.
I did have a couple of thoughts while reading your post. You said he actually moved in with her for 5 days, returns and tells you he isn't talking to her but you found out a couple of days ago he has been talking to her every day. Sorry to say this but if he is talking to her there is something going on there whether it be physical or emotional. I understand him getting updates every one in a while to see how the baby is doing but every single day is not acceptable. He blatantly lied to you.
Also I am REALLY concerned that he had unprotected sex. Please go get tested for any STD's. All of this may be embarassing but there is no telling what this woman might have. Also your husband should get tested too. If he has cheated once he may have done it before but not gotten caught. The fact that he did not use protection is concerning.
Finally while I understand your anger I think it is slightly misdirected. This woman has no loyalaty to you. Your husband does though. She is likely a piece of trash but she did not owe you anything. Your husband did. He is the one that broke the vows.
I hope things work out for you. Good luck. I know I would be devastated if I were your. Regardless of what you do PLEASE go get tested. I will say some prayers for you all.
M.E. answers from St. Louis on November 29, 2008
C., I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. The pain of your husband's betrayal must be so awful...for you and your children. I really don't have any advice except to encourage you seek God. You said you're Catholic and you are a christian so you know God's word. God is the only one who can heal your relationship and what your family is going through. I don't know everything but I do know that it is His will for you to be whole, spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. I will pray for God to give you strength and wisdom concerning your husband and the situation he has brought on you and your family.
M.B. answers from St. Louis on November 28, 2008
I can only imagine how devastating this is for you. This kind of stuff happens in nightmares. I am very sorry you have to go through this. I know you love your husband and your vows to him are extremeley important but why are you the only one taking them seriously? He has already took your vows and stomped all over them. He doesnt deserve you. You say he says hes sorry and he would never do anything like this again to you, but he is still lying to you and talking to her everyday? You cannot get over this and you shouldnt. Its not like he had a one time affair and you guys can put it past you. You are going to have a constant and everyday reminder what he has done to you with this child. And that poor child, and yours! How are you going to ever get past this? Say you and him have money problems, oh, maybe because now he has to pay child support? Its always going to be there, its not going to go away! Guess what, you derserve better and so do your kids. You can drag this out and put yourself through more pain that you wont be able to hide from your kids or you can end it now and start the recovery process. He didnt just cheat on you, he cheated your family! Your are going to put your all into someone who was this irresponsible and weak? Even though this woman is also a sad excuse, shes not the one who made the vows to you and dont make excuses for him or stick up for him. He did a terrible thing. This makes ME mad. Ugh. Sorry if this sounds horrible but you need to leave him and take him for all hes worth before Little Miss homewrecker does!! I am so sorry. I will pray for your family, but you need to leave him! LEAVE HIM!! LEAVE HIM!!
E.M. answers from St. Louis on November 29, 2008
I'm so sorry you are going throuhg this, it sucks, plain and simple.
I admire you for trying to forgive and forget, but that is going to be very difficult. I would be upset (more like madder than hell) that he cheated, but more that he cheated without using protection. I recommend you get tested for any and all types of STDs. It will be scary, but you deserve to know if he gave you something. If this woman told him he didn't need to use protection, God only knows who else she told that to. You need to protect yourself. Also, go to a lawyer and see what you can do about separating your assests. If this is his child, he will need to pay child support. The courts will take into consideration what he has and makes. Regardless if you remain married or not, you need to protect yourself and children. You need to know you can still afford to live the life you made for yourself and family. If he needs to get a 2nd job to pay any bills outside if your family, he'll have to do it. If he really wants to be forgiven, he will not be upset about this.
It's good to know you have strong supprt from your family and his, but remind them not to talk poorly about him in front of your kids. He cheated on your family, but they don't need to know that until they're older and can make their own decisions.
Good luck with all of this, sounds like you need to call up your girlfriends and go out for a drink, you deserve it!