Husband Going Out to Lunch with a Male Friend...

Not to be disrespectful since I dont know all the background, but I think you and your husband both have issues. First of all how can you feel like you would betray your husband if you went out with friends. He shouldnt have any attitude if you want to hang out with friends, totally unhealthy. And for you to be jealous or upset because your husband goes out with a certain coworker alot for lunch is kind of funny too. My husband goes out with the same coworker for lunch most of the time. So what if he gives you the silent treatment if you go eat without him, screw him, you are a person too, you deserve some joy and FREEDOM in life, sounds like you two try to keep each other on lock down, not good. Maybe some counseling should be considered.

8 moms found this helpful

ETA: Excuse me? He gives you the "silent treatment" if you go out? IF YOU CANNOT GO OUT WITH FRIENDS - WE HAVE A PROBLEM HOUSTON!!!! Run!!! That's a control issue. I would start getting a back bone and making my own friends (which is PERFECTLY FINE!) and start taking care of you!!!

______________________________

WAY!! Over thinking this. In my opinion? you are holding the mistakes of others on him...especially if he hasn't cheated on you.

I can't go to my husband's job. It's in a SCIF. So IF I meet ANY of his co-workers - i's at a party.

Your husband is getting "man" time. He is making friends. And the problem with that is what? My husband USED to play cards with his friends EVERY Saturday night. Well, some had babies and some moved away. That time is just as important for him as it is for you.

DO NOT hold the past of someone else over his head.

8 moms found this helpful

Don't really care much whether your husband is gay or bi or whatever. He's a controlling bastard and with your fears you are playing right into it.

You deserve better.

As do your kids.

:(

7 moms found this helpful

This is not healthy. Youre not allowed to do anything, and am I reading it right, now you think hes gay?
Not a relationship I could handle. I hope you guys get some help!

6 moms found this helpful

Your quote "I never go out with friends and have always felt like I would betray him if I did." tells a lot. You are not in a healthy relationship. Either he is holding you to ridiculous standards or you are doing it to yourself. I can't tell which without meeting you both.

In a healthy, trusting relationship, both people should be able to go out with friends. My husband goes out with his best friend (male) once every week for a walk and dinner. He also goes and has Sunday morning coffee with his ex-wife once every other month. I go have dinner with friends or a mom's night out. We support each other and we trust each other.

Please find a good therapist and work on some of the trust issues before they destroy your relationship.

5 moms found this helpful

It is very healthy for him to have male friends and to occasionally do things with the guys. We all need more in our lives than our spouse and kids. This is just human nature.

I really think it would be a great idea for you to begin doing things with friends. I know life is very busy, but it would be very healthy for you.

I'm so lucky that my SIL has allowed me to be included in her group of friends. I don't do a whole lot with them, but we do have a mom's night out every so often. Wow does it help me to relax, have a drink, chat with the girls about the kids or work or sex or whatever - girl things. It just kind of gives me a chance to let my hair down a little and have some fun. I'm usually a much better mom the next day.

Everyone needs friends, and everyone deserves a break and a treat once in a while.

3 moms found this helpful

Perhaps you are resentful because you don't socialize? Are you thinking he's having a gay affair? Or are you just jealous he has friends? Why don't you take this as cue to develop some friendships of your own and go out to lunch with a girl friend. Sounds to me you could really use it. You probably already know this but it sounds like your husband controls you and keeps you from having relationships. Sounds like he isolates you. Stop letting this man isolate you, its not right. Husband and wife relationships are great (when they are healthy), but we need same sex friends too. We need friends and family. You know all this but he makes your life too difficult if you rock the boat. I don't have advice, but I just want to affirm that you should not be feeling right about this. But its not his social life that needs changing. Its yours. Actually, its the whole dynamic.
Also, super weird that he does not introduce you at work, and the reason he gives is down right offensive. My husband would never do that to me (but he does always go to lunch with male friends, which I think is great). I'm free to do the same but don't because my kids are so little.

3 moms found this helpful

Interesting. Funny how some would assume because he's hanging out with another man, that nothing could be going on. I have heard of men doing this, "on the low down", and actually its quite common. I would be concerned if my spouse was spending too much time with ANYONE. A simple way to find out, whether its with a woman or a man, is see if anything else is going on. Like, phone calls, texting, working late, etc. Just know that once you start snooping, you may find something you don't want to, then you will have to deal with it. So my opinion is, if you are uncomfortable with it and its hurting your relationship, whether valid or not, its an issue that needs to be dealt with. Otherwise, you will just get more and more suspicious and resentful and that isn't good for your marriage. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

I see that other posters are seeing red flags about your husband not wanting you to see others, and you seeming to feel that you cannot. But I'm going to go one farther on here, EE, though I doubt that you will like it. I think that you are a red flag too. You seem to think that if you went out with anyone else, you would betray him. Something is really wrong with how you think.

You are both really jealous of each other and don't want each other to enjoy life.

What is odd isn't going from sitting in the car for lunch to going out to lunch. What is odd is that he put up with HAVING to sit in a car to eat lunch in the first place.

You two need counseling. Both of you. It sounds to me like both of you have some deep-seated problems that will just get worse if you don't.

D.

3 moms found this helpful

What are you wondering, that he may be gay?
You sound both really, really young. I can't imagine going into my husband's workplace (and vice versa) and not being introduced. That's just poor manners.
And I have always had girlfriends, and spent time with them. Why wouldn't you do that, how in the world is that a betrayal? Does your husband think you are out at bars or clubbing or something when you spend time with your friends?
You might try actually TALKING to him about your feelings some time. If you aren't able to do that then I think you have a bigger problem than who he's eating lunch with. Especially if you say talking to him in the past has left you scared and scarred.
You need some counseling. If you don't have the insurance/money for it then contact a local women's shelter and ask for resources.
Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

Sorry - I don't understand. He's definitely going with a guy friend? Do you worry he's gay? Not trying to be snide. Or do you think he's just saying it's a guy while it's a female. If you're sure it's a guy and you're not worried he's gay, then I don't see a problem at ALL! Most people need or want friends at work. I even encourage my husband to do so bc I don't want to talk about his work all the time while coworkers usually enjoy it.

3 moms found this helpful

I think it's time for sit down talk with hubby. He treats you like property, an object, not a person or human being. When a man refers to his wife as "my wife" and not by name that shows that she is not a person to him but a posseson. By not introducing you to his co-workers again you are not a human being --- 'they will know you are my wife' wow apparently you have no name or identity.

As far as the going out thing goes --- it's time for equality. If he can go out to lunch daily and spend $10 on lunch then that's $50/week on lunch or for his own pleasure --- do you get to spend that much on yourself weekly? He is also getting relaxation and fun with friends. He needs to understand that you need that also.

I recommend counseling. Couples counseling will benefit you both but if he won't go then go for yourself. You need to get to the bottom of your issues.

3 moms found this helpful

What exactly is your concern? Are you concerned he and this male friend are flirting with other women? Or are you concerned that he and the male friend have something going on between them?

I think both spouses having outside friends is healthy for the relationship. I have a couple of close friends that I spend time with, and so does my husband. One of his friends is single. It only bothers me because I know his single friend is always looking to pick up women, and I worry that he's inviting women over to join them at their table while they're out. I trust my husband, but don't trust other women. But outside of that, I have no problem with him going out to lunch with guys from work, or going out occasionally with his college buddies.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't understand why your hubby having lunch with the same guy "makes [you] wonder." What does it make you wonder?

My hubby has lunch out almost daily. He works in the field and doesn't pack a lunch so he has lunch out in the field with his co-workers. I never go out to lunch - I pack my lunch and eat at my desk.

If I do happen to go out to lunch, I tell hubby and he's happy that I got out. I don't get angry with him because it's my choice to pack my lunch and eat at my desk. I could go out daily if I wanted, but I find it too hard to decide on a daily basis WHERE to go for lunch. Much easier to just grab my sandwich out of the frig and read Mamapedia while I eat!

If your hubby gives you the silent treatment just because you went out to eat with a friend, then you have more issues in your marriage than just going out to eat. I think marriage counseling may be in order!

2 moms found this helpful

Wow I guess I am going to be the odd man out here because I see you have a lot of issues yourself. I get the whole betrayed thing but you can't keep going around judging and treating people guilty until never proven innocent because what you end up with is someone very much like your husband.

You seem very confused about how you are feeling, not all of that is on him, you need help. You need to find someone to talk to and sort out your feelings. Until then you are not going to see clearly what is actually going on.

Your behavior is driving him away, that much is clear, but on the flip side it seems that he is actually using your behavior to control you in an abusive way. In other words he has always known you were insecure and uses that insecurity to control your behavior and make you think everything is your fault.

It is your fault but what isn't your fault is how he reacts. Instead of being supportive and saying hey I know you are insecure what can I do to help he throws it in your face.

So find someone to talk to, work through your feelings, why you act as you do. What you will find is a clarity and then you can figure out where your marriage stands.

2 moms found this helpful

You say that he never invites friends home - maybe this is his way of socializing so that he can spend home time with family.

Why do you never do anything with friends? And why do you feel you would betray him?
It sounds as though it would be good to go out once in awhile - maybe get a once a month day you and your friends get together. It seems as though you are depending on him to be not only your husband/father/etc. but also as your sole social support. It is healthy to have friends - not only for yourself but for your family as well.

He may feel a bit suffocated by the fact that he is relied upon as your sole support. Sure, your spouse should be your main support but not the only one - girlfriends, other family members, etc. should make up your support system as well.

That being said - the reaction he is giving is not healthy either. All of these issues need to come out between the two of you - whether you takle them together or separately.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like he wants to socialize and you don't. This is his way of having a friend. Just b/c you have chosen not to have friends does not mean he has too. It really sounds more like an insecurity issue for you and you use your past as an excuse. You can play the victim or join life. It's your call. But don't put those same expectations on others, especially your husband. I hope you can get past your jealousy b/c it sounds like it holds you down :(

1 mom found this helpful

You know I agree you really need to read what ❄J€§§¡¢aW€§§¡¢a❄™ wrote. I was once in an abusive relationship with someone thankfully I didn't have kids with him but he made it very bad for me. It took me about 2 years to leave and another 2 years to finally get my ex out of my life. You need to get out of this. Like right now. Don't stay any longer. Sounds like he won't stop at all.

1 mom found this helpful

hard to say from what you have written, and i'm projecting alot, But if i were in your shoes Yes i would be jealous that your husband would rather spend time with this guys than you.

I'm hearing loud and clear that people are telling you that everyone needs some friends outside the marriage.

I can sort of see that they could get sick of mcdonalds, but do they realy have time at lunch for a sit down resturant?

Is there no one else at work for hubby to go out to lunch with??
I think that was my sticking point, that it was just ONE guy all the time, but if he only works with a few people or he is management and most aren't then maybe i could understand it better. if there are tons of people he could be inviting but is only picking one, or if he is shunning others in the breakroom to be with this one guy then that would be weird.

I would worry if from what you hear if they are emotionally close or just talking sports over a club sandwich..

As for him not introducing you, just stick out your hand and say hello I"m so and so and wait for them to give you their name. Then you'll know who these people are.

Why do you go to his workplace if your not going out to lunch or a joint appointment?

Not introducing you is rude and suggest that he also may be fooling around with someone.

Do you think he might be gay?

I'd ask about it. My husband goes out with his friend/friends but I know them well. He introduces me to his employees and talks about his employees. I've gotten jealous before and asked him questions. He was happy to answer them and help me understand situations so I didn't feel bad. We have a great relationship. Just talk to him about it. He'd feel the same way if he were in your shoes, I'm sure. Good luck!