E.E. asks from Miami, FL on August 02, 2012
Husband Going Out to Lunch with a Male Friend...
I will admit I am the jealous type...I dont know if jealous is the word but just VERY cautious as I have been cheated on many times. And in the past it has been with people that I have trusted and never suspected they would cheat. So now I am always on the lookout. When I go to my husbands work I NEVER get introduced to anyone. I have asked why and he just says "well they are going to know you are my wife" And given yes but it would still be nice to feel important. I never go out with friends and have always felt like I would betray him if I did. Just by his reactions. So for someone who never invites friends over or anything I almost always hear about him going out to lunch with a friend and he didnt ask or anything until I asked about a charge on our bank account. And it has progressed from going to a place down the street to a fast food restaurant to going around to different dine in restaurants. Now a few guys I can understand but it being just him and this guy makes me wonder.
I think I am just more hurt/irritated that we never go out to eat and I feel soo wrong going out to eat with anyone (cuz he gives the silent treatment if I do) yet he goes out to eat. And again I am not completely assuming figured I would ask first before doing so as I know that the past has left me scared and scarred. I dont blame him for it but my mind is always thinking. I just find it odd that someone goes from sitting in his car for lunch to suddenly going out to lunch with someone and actually going to a dine in restaurant when me and him rarely go as it is. I would love to go out to lunch just me and him but we rarely do. So I suppose in that aspect I am hurt/jealous. (I know I am jumping all over the place and i repeat things, just adding info as they come to mind)
So What Happened?™
In all I dont EXPECT him to not go out with friends. Hes gone from being totally antisocial and choosing to eat in the car by himself to going out with this one guy. That in combination with not introducing me to this friend even, bothers me and raises red flags. If he was more interested in introducing me to his friends and then going out with them I would be a little more easy going about it. Its the being somewhat secretive that bothers me. Also, the fact that me and him rarely go out to eat alone (and its something I have been wanting to do) the fact that he seems to enjoy doing it with him hurts in a way. I wouldnt say I was mad at him, hurt would be the word. We have had our past but we are trying to work through that. I am happy that he has found a friend to hang out with again I just wish he would include me in the sense of introdicing me to them and atleast giving me a heads up that he is going out to eat or at the least mention it without me having to find out. (It being something new he does and him not even mentioning it just also added to the secretive aspect.) I havent mentioned to him that this bothers me yet because I didnt want him to "drift away". Its the main reason I asked here. The responses here have helped me to not assume the worst and if anything its relaxed me a little. Though some responses have been harsh I know they are true.
J.V. answers from Las Vegas on August 02, 2012
You know I agree you really need to read what ❄J€§§¡¢aW€§§¡¢a❄™ wrote. I was once in an abusive relationship with someone thankfully I didn't have kids with him but he made it very bad for me. It took me about 2 years to leave and another 2 years to finally get my ex out of my life. You need to get out of this. Like right now. Don't stay any longer. Sounds like he won't stop at all.
1 mom found this helpful
D.P. answers from Sacramento on August 02, 2012
Not to be disrespectful since I dont know all the background, but I think you and your husband both have issues. First of all how can you feel like you would betray your husband if you went out with friends. He shouldnt have any attitude if you want to hang out with friends, totally unhealthy. And for you to be jealous or upset because your husband goes out with a certain coworker alot for lunch is kind of funny too. My husband goes out with the same coworker for lunch most of the time. So what if he gives you the silent treatment if you go eat without him, screw him, you are a person too, you deserve some joy and FREEDOM in life, sounds like you two try to keep each other on lock down, not good. Maybe some counseling should be considered.
8 moms found this helpful
C.O. answers from Washington DC on August 02, 2012
ETA: Excuse me? He gives you the "silent treatment" if you go out? IF YOU CANNOT GO OUT WITH FRIENDS - WE HAVE A PROBLEM HOUSTON!!!! Run!!! That's a control issue. I would start getting a back bone and making my own friends (which is PERFECTLY FINE!) and start taking care of you!!!
WAY!! Over thinking this. In my opinion? you are holding the mistakes of others on him...especially if he hasn't cheated on you.
I can't go to my husband's job. It's in a SCIF. So IF I meet ANY of his co-workers - i's at a party.
Your husband is getting "man" time. He is making friends. And the problem with that is what? My husband USED to play cards with his friends EVERY Saturday night. Well, some had babies and some moved away. That time is just as important for him as it is for you.
DO NOT hold the past of someone else over his head.
8 moms found this helpful
T.N. answers from Albany on August 02, 2012
Don't really care much whether your husband is gay or bi or whatever. He's a controlling bastard and with your fears you are playing right into it.
You deserve better.
As do your kids.
7 moms found this helpful
M.. answers from Detroit on August 02, 2012
K.S. answers from Minneapolis on August 02, 2012
Your quote "I never go out with friends and have always felt like I would betray him if I did." tells a lot. You are not in a healthy relationship. Either he is holding you to ridiculous standards or you are doing it to yourself. I can't tell which without meeting you both.
In a healthy, trusting relationship, both people should be able to go out with friends. My husband goes out with his best friend (male) once every week for a walk and dinner. He also goes and has Sunday morning coffee with his ex-wife once every other month. I go have dinner with friends or a mom's night out. We support each other and we trust each other.
Please find a good therapist and work on some of the trust issues before they destroy your relationship.
5 moms found this helpful
B.G. answers from Springfield on August 02, 2012
It is very healthy for him to have male friends and to occasionally do things with the guys. We all need more in our lives than our spouse and kids. This is just human nature.
I really think it would be a great idea for you to begin doing things with friends. I know life is very busy, but it would be very healthy for you.
I'm so lucky that my SIL has allowed me to be included in her group of friends. I don't do a whole lot with them, but we do have a mom's night out every so often. Wow does it help me to relax, have a drink, chat with the girls about the kids or work or sex or whatever - girl things. It just kind of gives me a chance to let my hair down a little and have some fun. I'm usually a much better mom the next day.
Everyone needs friends, and everyone deserves a break and a treat once in a while.
3 moms found this helpful
I.X. answers from Los Angeles on August 02, 2012
Perhaps you are resentful because you don't socialize? Are you thinking he's having a gay affair? Or are you just jealous he has friends? Why don't you take this as cue to develop some friendships of your own and go out to lunch with a girl friend. Sounds to me you could really use it. You probably already know this but it sounds like your husband controls you and keeps you from having relationships. Sounds like he isolates you. Stop letting this man isolate you, its not right. Husband and wife relationships are great (when they are healthy), but we need same sex friends too. We need friends and family. You know all this but he makes your life too difficult if you rock the boat. I don't have advice, but I just want to affirm that you should not be feeling right about this. But its not his social life that needs changing. Its yours. Actually, its the whole dynamic.
Also, super weird that he does not introduce you at work, and the reason he gives is down right offensive. My husband would never do that to me (but he does always go to lunch with male friends, which I think is great). I'm free to do the same but don't because my kids are so little.
3 moms found this helpful
F.H. answers from Phoenix on August 02, 2012
Interesting. Funny how some would assume because he's hanging out with another man, that nothing could be going on. I have heard of men doing this, "on the low down", and actually its quite common. I would be concerned if my spouse was spending too much time with ANYONE. A simple way to find out, whether its with a woman or a man, is see if anything else is going on. Like, phone calls, texting, working late, etc. Just know that once you start snooping, you may find something you don't want to, then you will have to deal with it. So my opinion is, if you are uncomfortable with it and its hurting your relationship, whether valid or not, its an issue that needs to be dealt with. Otherwise, you will just get more and more suspicious and resentful and that isn't good for your marriage. Good luck!
3 moms found this helpful