29 answers

Husband Going Out Late and You're Staying Home.

I am expecting my first child and I am trying to adjust to a family life style. Normally, I don't mind my husband going out but since the pregnancy, it bothers me. How do you deal with this?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I talked about it to him and he was very understanding. I was concerned that he would feel restricted but my husband made a very cute analogy. He said going out late was like recess. In elementary school, you cannot phathom life without out it. Then, when you get older, you find other joys that replaced it.

Featured Answers

I would just sit him down and have a heart to heart. Always, be honest. Tell him the truth about how you really feel. Maybe he is willing to compromise with you. After he sees how you honestly feel, he should have no problem trying to adjust to family life. Congratulations on the baby!! I have two and they are wonderful.

Time to start the husband training. It's not pretty and takes forever. But I agree, nip this one in the bud right now. Try to keep the conversation unemotional and full of facts he can easily digest. Setting boundaries is very important in a relationship that is going through major transitions, and a new pregnancy and baby is a huge adjustment for all. Everyone has to change, not just Mom.

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What is your husband doing? Hanging out with friends & drinking? Personally, I'm not a believer in husbands going out in any time in the marriage.....not to say, my husband goes and plays golf, runs with his running buddies, etc. But at night, we're married, we stay together. Why can't your husband do something that involves you, too? Why can't you come along? If you're physically not able to because of your pregnancy then he needs to stay at home. There is a reason that God gave us 9 months for our babies to grow inside our bodies. That gives us 9 months to prepare mentally and emotionally for that baby to become a part of our lives. Lovingly, remind your husband of the coming of the baby and that everything will truly change when he/she is born. You won't have much alone time after the birth, tell your husband you would like to cherish that time together now instead of being separated. Be loving when you discuss but be firm. Don't back off. congrats on your new baby.

1 mom found this helpful

During my first pregnancy,my husband never left my side except to go to work, and when he wanted to go out at night, I went with him. Its not healthy, relationship wise, to be pregnant and watch your husband walk out the door doing things you wish you can do. I mean, of course you cant do all the things he can like drinking, but when my husband went to the bar, I still went with and guess what, I was craving lemons, so I still had fun and laughs with him and his buddies while eating lemons and potatoe chips!!! If he doesnt understand you going out with him, or if you dont feel like tagging along but want him to stay, just sit him down and say "look, we both did the deed, and now I have to nurture myself and baby for 9 months.I would really like your support, cant we do something at home together at nights since we're about to have even less time for each other?" good luck and god bless your pregnancy! -tabby

I would just sit him down and have a heart to heart. Always, be honest. Tell him the truth about how you really feel. Maybe he is willing to compromise with you. After he sees how you honestly feel, he should have no problem trying to adjust to family life. Congratulations on the baby!! I have two and they are wonderful.

Gussy up and go out too and make sure you stay out longer, have more fun, and spend more money. Then talk it all over with interesting options that would reward staying home and working together.
Sorry if this is oversimplified, just keep your goal in mind.
C. S.

Gently explain that your situation has changed since you are expecting, and you would like him to spend more time at home. Pick a time when you aren't busy or stressed, and neither is he.

Are finances a problem? A new baby costs way more than you think they do. It would be wise to save money for the baby.

I think pregnancy can be a difficult stage of adjustment, since it's CLEAR to you, every minute, that you have a baby, but it's not, quite honestly, having much of an effect on your husband yet (HE doesn't have to waddle and pee 9 times a night!). IMO, putting your foot down and saying "NO MORE GOING OUT" is likely just to make things worse. Our DD is 10 mo old now, and my DH and I both still go out sometimes, but it's maybe now like once a month each, and we take turns (one will stay home while the other goes out with the girls/guys). I do think it's VERY important for each of you to have some "time off," both now and once the baby is born, but it's also important that this is shared equally and in an amount that you're both comfortable with. Talk to your DH about how you feel. It's totally normal to feel more dependent when you're pregnant--tell him this, and try to come up with a solution that sounds fair to both of you (like agree on the frequency with which he goes out, or what time he'll be back by, etc.) good luck!

Hey K.,
You must nip this in the butt now...You need to sit down with him and tell him this is your time together before the baby comes to bond & hang out..

Why don't you go out with him some? You need to make some sacrifices for you both as well...

Here to lend a hand after 2 kids (trust me I know)..

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I'm expecting our 3rd now, and there is absolutely NO WAY I would put up with my husband going out all the time with his friends while I sat at home! You need to speak to your husband and let him know that it bothers you, that you're about to bring a child into the family, and that you'd like to begin getting on the "family" course. My husband plays the occasional game of golf with his buddies, or plays the occasional game of poker witht the guys, and likewise I go out with other moms for dinner and a movie occasionally (afterall we ALL need some "away" time!). However, there is absolutely no way I'd agree to his going out to a bar or anything of that nature without me-- all of that ended when we became involved in a serious relationship, at that point, if we were going out to any type of bar or anything of that nature, we only do it together.
Just talk to your husband, let him know your concerns, and let him know why you feel the way you feel. Hopefully he'll understand, and wouldn't want you sitting at home worried and upset while he's out having a good time with the guys (esp. when he could be at home having a great time with you!)

Okay, I've read the other responses and somewhat agree. While I was pregnant I was a bit more sensitive than normal and needed A LOT more attention. It doesn't sound like your husband has a 'problem' with going out - or abandoning you.

I would just let him know when you feel like being together. If he's considerate he'll probably be asking if you mind if before he goes out. Just be honest and tell him that you'd like to spend the night together. If he honors your desire maybe the next time he wants to go, you won't mind. That's how it worked for me!

Guy's take the whole pregnancy and a new child situation in a totally different way than we do. I didn't feel that my husband going out with his friends was in any way not supportive to me. At the end of my pregnancy, I felt huge, tired and just didn't feel like going anywhere. But, I didn't feel the need to keep him home and away from our usual social life (at least not every time).

I feel that a close loving relationship between you and your husband is a necessity for the new baby. If things are 'off' now, it may only get worse after the baby is born and he/she will read into it. So always be honest about your feelings!

Not sure what stage of pregnancy you are in, but hormones make us more sensitive. Just wait till you cry during a diaper commercial, lol! Look, I've been with my partner 8 years next month. We have a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. I have a 21 year old by a previous marriage (no, she doesn't live with us). For the most part, I agree with people. Sit down and be honest. But also think about why you mind him going out...first. Do you mind because your a bit envious that he has the energy to begin with right now? Or are you sensitive and feel more lonely at night when he leave? You want to be honest with yourself and him when you talk about it. Being married or partners doesn't make you glued at the hip, you still have to be "who you are", do the things you like that make you a happier person...in turn will make you a happy parent which is ultimately what children want and can feel. All the answers will not come right now. I don't ever mind Mark going out with our neighbor across the street for a drink, some dinner and sports conversation because they both work hard and need to just do the "guy" thing. He's alway home at a reasonable hour so I don't worry about his safety. When I want to go out, believe me the kindness and support is returned in kind. Set the pace now K., not 2 years down the road when you might be working on kid number 2. Start now and it will be easier for both of you. Be happy! kids are such a blessing and to me honestly, they were soooooo easy when they were newborns. They sleep all the time. They eat, poop and sleep. Keep your little angel on a schedule that works for your lifestyle. Start that right away too so it transitions into the older years. If you make it all seem so normal, everyone including the baby and husband will think it's normal. You'll be ok. I know you will. How about you kick him out one night so you can invite a couple of girlfriends over for a movie and snacks, girl talk. My life has not stopped having 2 kids, my husband helps with everything. He lets me sleep in on the weekends as late as I want because he wants me to feel good and he gets time with the kids alone. No sharing their attention. Do this right, and you two will have just as much fun as you did before starting a family. Good luck! and Congratulations!

I agree with the other moms. I tried to be nice about letting my husband go out at night with his friends but he ended up taking advantage of the situation. He started assuming I would always be the designated babysitter allowing him to go out whenever. I flat out told him we had this baby together. I can't go out, then you can't go out. That or we get a babysitter because we used to go out together and I need adult time too. It's seems harsh K. but you have to say what's on your mind. Their not mind readers. Things have always turned out better once you just let them know what's on your mind so they don't have to guess... they usually guess wrong anyways. Then you don't get the line of "I didn't know. You didn't say anything so I assumed it was ok."

It's funny how men go through something when their wife is pregnant. It certainly is nothing like what the woman goes through, but take in consideration, the women normally study to know what to expect when carrying a child as well as how to care for the child. The husband does not. The wife has to fill in the blanks for him. You could make some really good plans and include him in the plan, things that he likes to do. It usually doesn't help to get angry about such things. You just have to find ways to change the dynamics in your household.

You better nip it in the Bud now or you haven't seen nothing yet!

I didn't have time to read all of the advice so I'm sorry if this is repetitive. I went through the same thing with my first pregnancy and now I am going through the same thing again. My husband isn't going out that much but he wants to have drinks at home and relax or have people over all the time. The thing that I have to remember is this is exactly what life was like before I got pregnant again so I try to be understanding. They don't realize how different being pregnant makes you. We just try to comprimise on how we spend our time. I know for me I just want to be a part of it but know I can't so it frustrates me. Hope this helps.
PS After the first baby came things quickly went back to normal. He didn't try to go out or anything for awhile after the baby was born. I think having them here is so much real for them because they don't have a 24 hour reminder that the baby is near. Sorry if I rambled but I hope this helps. Congratulations on your baby.

Well, I see a lot of responses here that project the idea that it is normal or ok for him to be going out. Now mind you, I don;t know how frequent it is. If it is very occasional.. I would say nothing wrong, unless he is very insistent that you not go.
Some people have mentioned that the man feels like he won't have time to go out after the baby, and yadda yadda. Well, here is a newsflash, Mister. You've already been limited and been pregnant for umpteen months. You guys are in this together. First of all, if you are having a baby, then your relationship should have already been at the point where you feel more comfortable asking him this question, rather than strangers. You need to tell him. Don't wait until you are aggravated or angry. Just tell him point blank similar to this. "Honey, Right now I feel very needy and I just really feel like I need you around. Could we at least do something together?".. something like that. It is not a bad idea to do something together.. you get your need filled and he still goes out, and he should be ok with it, unless he is up to no good, or unless he just wants to prove that "he is the man and can do whatever he wnats". And let me tell you another thing.. a lot of men do what they do.. because we let them. If men didn't didn;t need direction, then women wouldn;t have come into existence. And we are in charge of the children.. why? It is the mother that teaches the children.. because we know best. Im not saying become a nagging insecure wife. What I am saying is that you do have the right to set expectations and expect them to be met.
Have a talk with your husband and remind him that you two are IN THIS TOGETHER. If he chooses to not be a partner, then honey.. it is up to you to decide if you want to put up with it or how you want to deal with it. But if you get a negative response, and you don't do anything to try and get a postitive one, then don't be surprised when over the years you keep getting negative ones.
Oh and the longer you go without asserting yourself, the harder it will be to ever do so. Becasue when you have never demanded anything before, then you will be percieved as a B*T*H when you do. Good luck sweetie.

To my experience, fathers will really feel like a father when they see the baby for the first time. Right at that moment, the connection starts between father and baby. They don't feel a thing before that. I think maybe just cut some slacks now. Especially your guys' life will be so different after the birth of the baby. He doesn't have that much time to enjoy some alone time.

Hello K.,
When I had my first child I also had to adjust to the family lifestyle. It was a good thing though, I think it was exactly what we needed at the time and it strengthened our marriage to be more focused on us as a family. I would just be very honest about how you are feeling with your husband and maybe see if you can agree on how much time away from home he needs and how much you are comfortable with him having. Maybe you can find an arrangement that will work for both of you.

I would just make sure you take care of yourself as well - make sure you get to go out too. A child changes your world but should not end it. You should maintain friendships both together and separately - you will need the support as the years go by and it would be a shame if you alienated your support system in the name of parenthood! My husband and I both go out separately from time to time. Not often, maybe every couple or few weeks one of us may have a girls' night or guys' night or something. We don't resent each other for it because we know we both need it.

Yes pregnancy hormones are the pits!
Although everyone has given some great advice, the question should be "why is he going out late & how many x's a week?". Could that be what is really bothering you? You don't mention if he lets u know where he's going to be. Whatever it is I agree with all, speak to ur husband! Maybe the two of you can comprimise on making (1 or 2) a date for both of u, when & what time frame will work for u. And if he is feeling that he is loosing out on the nightlife, well remind him that u are too. And let him know if you are still ok letting him have some free time, u just want be resonable about it.
Good luck!! I hope this all works out.

my first response would be, remember you are pregnant and your hormones are going crazy so you may be a little more needy than normal. My second response is, everyone needs a little time away from the spouse, so if he is going out every once in a while without you that is ok. He will probably need to do that some even after the baby is here, and same goes for you. Now if he is going out a lot with out you and just leaving you at home, then I would think you guys have something to talk about, maybe the two of you need to go out more together. And don't worry about tying yourself down so much now, go out and enjoy yourself as much as you can now, you will be tyed down at home enough once the baby gets here. Go to dinner, movies, putt putt, anything the two of you can enjoy together, invite some friends along, relax and enjoy this time in your life.
S.

sounds like your husband has friends that are single. Since our wedding 9 1/2 yrs ago -- we don't hardly know any single friends anymore... maybe one from church.

anyway.... if his friends have girlfriends/wives suggest doing "couple" dates with them.... going to restaurants, movies etc. That way he still gets to have some buddy time. Or encourage golf outings or other sports things. But yeah, I agree -- once you're married you should spend more time w/spouse and including them in your nightlife. Going out together, if you go out.
A ladies night or guys night is fine once in a while but not every weekend. That's a single person's behavior.

talk to him about it and be honest. his nights out are going to get fewer and fewer as the baby gets closer. he needs to be there for you. you aren't being unreasonable asking him to stay home more. compromise and go to nuteral places so you can both go.

Time to start the husband training. It's not pretty and takes forever. But I agree, nip this one in the bud right now. Try to keep the conversation unemotional and full of facts he can easily digest. Setting boundaries is very important in a relationship that is going through major transitions, and a new pregnancy and baby is a huge adjustment for all. Everyone has to change, not just Mom.

K.,
The transition from none to one is huge. It's very hard to figure it all out but you will.

Look in your church for "about to be new parents" groups. If you don't go to church, start now. It will be the a great support for you.

Find old friends (or make new ones) with new babies or about to have babies, just like you. Take all the baby/parenting classes you can with your husband and make friends with another couple in the class... meet them before class for dinner.

You don't have to dump your old friends, but you need a support group and you and your husband need to be a team.

Tell him. Because if he thinks he's going to be able to go out often once the baby is here he's greatly mistaken or you both are in for a lot of heartache. Once the baby is here your going to want/need to be home a lot more often. When you go out you have to rememeber to pack most everything they own and haul it around, no fun! Also, you're going to be horribly tired at first, and once that's over you still want to put baby down for a good nights rest by 7:30 ish anyway. Do you guys have money for a babysitter that often that you'll still be able to go out a lot? Doubt it.

Tell him now how you feel, and what you want. Make a few compromises, but he really doesn't need to go out that often. My husband see's most of his friends over lunch. They meet somewhere and spend an hour talking and such. He's then free to come home and spend time with the kids, something he enjoys. I hope your husband learns to also. Good luck!

Well, this may not work for you, but when I was pregnant with my first, my husband went out almost everynight, he worked in the restaurant business and would go out with co-workers almost everynight and one day I flat out told him to go ahead and enjoy it becasue once the baby arrives he won't be going out. Once our daughter arrived I was right, he didn't go out anymore, not only becasue I didn't want him to, becasue he didn't want, he wanted to get home as fast as he could to see our daughter.
Good Luck
H.

in moderation, this isn't a huge issue. if he's doing it every other night, then it could be a huge issue. everybody needs downtime to be by themselves. just talk and compromise on what is reasonable for both of you.

Your husband is having what is called "oh my god I am going to have a baby and I think I am never going to go out again" syndrome. My partner did this when I was around 8 months pregnant. She went out SO many times and when I finally asked her why it was her fear of not being able to go out again and wanting to get it out of her system. Men can be different though.
You don't want one of those husbands that expects you to stay your butt home and never have any fun. If you let them, they will do it. I hate to say it, but the reality is , that when you have a child, you don't go out as often. My partner and I usually WANT to spend time with our baby and only go out once or twice a month. And we are fine.
Just be honest and have a talk with him. Let him know you need him sometimes when he goes out, and you want to spend more him and you time before the baby comes. Let him know that you understand him wanting to go out, but that when the child comes, you are going to need him to be home.
Don't go off the deep end and get angry, be calm and cool. The best way in getting what you want is to always outsmart him.
Good luck and congratulations!

Just be honest with him and NICELY say that you don't like the late nights out anymore now that you are starting a family. Just don't do it in a fighting situation--or he might get defensive. You definitely want this stopped or at least cut down before your little angel arrives. Good Luck and Congrats on your pregnancy!! :)

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