25 answers

Husband Going Out

How much is too much for a husband to spend out. He use to go out only once a month....now it's at least once or twice a week. We have 2 kids, his job requires 50+ hours a week and 2 late nights. How much is too much?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Well, first off do you know who he's with and/or where he's going? If so then there shouldn't be a problem if he's not wanting to tell you or just wonder around then me personally I have a problem with that. I think once a week if fair and you too should be able to go out as well.

Do you know exactly where he is going?
What needs does he meets at those places and how can they be met at home?
Is there something going on at home that is driving him away?

More Answers

I went out once per week and went out one weekend a month with another friend (male) and usually one week during the summer with two or more male friends. We worked hard and had a blast. During the one weekend a month we'd go fishing or floated down a river or camped out in the woods. We'd go for hikes of one to 10 miles at a time.

My wife supported me completely and encouraged me to take the time out on these outings.

Oh, I just re-read my comments. ;-D. I forgot to mention I was a Scoutmaster and the other male was my assistant scoutmaster and the men I was with on the weekends and a week at a time during the summer were the other adult leaders, usually the fathers of the 8 to 14 boyscouts we took with us and taught the basics of wood lore and life. We taught the boys to be self sufficient, and leadership. Many of them made Eagle Scout.

As a husband, I wouldn't even consider going out without my wife unless it was for the reasons stated in the above paragraph.

What can you do about it? Take a proactive stance. Act like you'd love it if he stayed home with you. When you see he is preparing to go out and your kids aren't around wear something soft and see through and frilly/lacy and ask him if he rather spend time with you. If your kids are around, close the bedroom door and ask the same thing OR follow him out to the car or truck . . . well, you get the idea. Unless he's a eunuch he'll stay home with you.

If you lack the knowledge of what motivates most men to give up the old friends and stay with his new best friend (you) read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the workbook. He'll wonder why he ever left. AND you'll know why and will have given him the reasons to stay home.

Are you not the woman you were when you got married? Remember, "A model needs perfect lighting, professional make up, and designer clothes to look as good as the average woman does to the man that loves her."

Good luck to you and yours.
P.S. Princess Cruise Lines was the setting for the "Love Boat" TV show for a reason. Think you can't afford a cruise? Brown bag for a year and save the $6 or so per day you'd spend on lunch at a fastfood joint or restaurant and you'll save enough to pay for a week for two on the "Love Boat". Have fun;)

4 moms found this helpful

Your post makes me feel old... Haha. Out twice a week!? Man, those were the days! That's too much... To be honest, I would be irritated if my husband was going out once a month without me! I think once a month (or more) for a date night is completely reasonable and a couple nights out with friends here and there is fun - I'm not against going out separately now and again. But, if I were you, I'd not be a happy camper. My husband is sitting here and I asked him what he thought. He says that even once a week is absurd when you have a family at home. In fact, he thinks it's absurd even if you're just married, no kids, to go out that often without your spouse. I totally agree with him.

2 moms found this helpful

If you could put aside your mom-guilt and had a guaranteed trustworthy sitter or hubby at home to do a great job with the kids, how often would you want to go out. (And remember to put aside the mom-guilt).

That is how much he should go out, with the exception of extenuating circumstances and special occasions. And it would also depend on what exactly he is doing out.

My husband works out of town and I am basically a single mom for weeks on end. My parents live nearby though, and I go out probably 3-4 times a month, depending on the month. And by go out, I mean to a mexican restaurant where we sit and drink margaritas for hours and laugh, or to someone's house to play bunco which is also a BYOB and hang out type of thing. Not exactly club-hopping, but not doing a knitting group or book club either. I see absolutely nothing wrong with going out that often, because my son is very well cared for and I deserve a break. If my husband was home to go out that often (3-4 times a month like me), I would not only be fine with it, but encourage it. But I would expect it to be a reasonable place and spending a reasonable amount of money. And my going out doesn't cut into family time. If my husband was skipping family time it would bother me that often. But if he was going out after dinner and bedtime, I would be okay with it. But it goes both ways and his being able to go out has to be reciprocated in some way. And honestly, if he was home, at least one of those times a month out would be spent with each other on a date night. That is important too. We do that every chance we get.

2 moms found this helpful

My husband only goes out one night a week to play hockey with his friends. He played for many years when he was younger and just started doing it, before that he would rarely go out. The games are at 8pm so he doesn't leave until after my son goes to bed. I actually love that he has some sort of a hobby outside of the house. Occassionally, (like maybe every few months) he will go out without me if there is something going on that is either sports related or a gathering for friends or work that I can't attend if we can't get someone to watch our son, which is also no big deal to me.

My husband works full time (not as much as your husband does) and I am a stay at home mom. For my situation I think one night out a week is perfect, even if I don't get the same because I don't particularly have anything to do! I go out to dinner with a friend every few months and that is it, but that is fine with me. I do think your husband deserves a night out a week at the most, if not maybe one night every other week. But if you want to go out too you deserve the same. Honestly though, if even one night a week doesn't work for YOU then you need to talk to him and figure out some kind of compromise about going out. If he is going out 2 nights a week to the bar when he has 2 kids and a wife at home then that is a little ridiculous to me, I would never be okay with that.

2 moms found this helpful

I just wrote a response...what happened to it?

Anyway, I think if the activities are structured (basketball league and Bible study, for example) and your kids are not too little and you are not a stay at home mom, that's okay. My husband used to play darts every Wednesday when our son was little. I didn't have a problem with that. Now, if my husband was hanging out with friends at a bar twice a week, I would have an issue with that. Once would be fine. Twice is too much.

2 moms found this helpful

Mmmm.... negative. That was my first reaction to this. Just... something off-putting about it. I have close girlfriends that I hang out with on occasion, and my hubby will have a few beers with the guys during football season but... other than that we don't go out separately. It would just be odd. I enjoy going out for a drink with my other Mommy-friends who need a night out every now and again.... and like I said - beer with the guys when a good game is on but random nights out all the time is a definite negative.

2 moms found this helpful

If you are uncomfortable with the amount of time he is spending out side of the home on non-work related matters, then that is too much. Each couple has their own personal dynamics and comfort level. Personally, I wouldn't like it if my husband was working so many hours and then going out a couple of nights a week, leaving me with the kids and neglecting shared family time. If he were going to the gym that would be one thing, but if his outings were a social thing, I think I would be pissed. But that's just me . . .

2 moms found this helpful

I guess that too much is whatever makes YOU uncomfortable. At my house, I get out once a week (alone) and go have a drink. My husband rarely does. I don't know why he doesn't as I encourage him to go. We also rarely get out together. We don't have a babysitter and honestly, I enjoy being out alone. We are pretty comfortable with this.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,

I think it really depends on how trustworthy he is, where he is going and who he is with, how much time you get to spend together, how much help he gives you around the house and with your kids, and how much you'd like him to be there. My husband also goes out a lot, always with his colleagues, as they are some of the up-and-coming guys at their work and are constantly looking for ways to network and talk about work in a safe environment. It does drive me crazy because, although I realize that he's trying to make strong connections and advance at work, we get very little time together at all, and I am home with the kids all day and have minimal interaction with other adults. For me I do think that he is entitled to have some down time to just chill, but I just prefer it'd be at home, with me.

Have you spoken with him about your concerns? If so, how did he respond? How is everything else in your relationship? Marriage is indeed about compromise, but it needs to be relatively equal compromises.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband also works many hours 58+ in a week-gotta love retail management. We have twin girls and I can remember being left home alone with two kids after being at home with them ALL day and him coming home from work only to head back out over to a freinds house, playing poker with buddies, etc.
It would cause arguments after arguements which in turn only pushed him farther away I think now looking back. I eventually left him with my two kids in tow and he finally got the point.
I understand the stress he has at work combined with the many many hours he puts in and needing the time to "unwind". However when it starts to get too out of control is when I begin the nagging with him. I hate to nag him but my husband is the type you give him an inch he will take a yard and needs reminding of his responsabilities within the home as well. Our schedules are totally different from one another as well which makes it even more difficult.
He recently gave up his management position to where he will only be required to put in 40 hours compared to what he is doing now and getting transferred closer to home so I am excited to see how much our relationship improves but with more time on his hands I'm afriad he may want to go "out" more often which at first is fine by me because I know he has been deprived of that for quite some time now....as long as he makes time for me as well as the kids then I don't care so much. The sex had dwindled down quite a bit as well but has gotten better from the day he handed in his resignation to management. I think he was very stressed out and men like to go to their caves when they feel this way whereas a woman we always want to "talk". Perhaps your husband feels as though that is his "escape" but as a married couple you need to let him know how it makes YOU feel but with an understanding heart for his needs as well. This is a complete comprimise on both parties. If he isn't willing to comprimise on this you need to check into things a little more and you need to be willing to compromise as well but sounds as if you already have for the most part. I am not saying that your husband is cheating but if things have changed that much and he isn't willing to see your point of view and come up with a compromise then he is either a very selfish man or there might be indeed another person. Don't go all insane though and start flipping out you need to have a chat with him first and if something in your gut doesn't seem right then you need to follow that.
Just let him know all that you are asking for is more time with him and wanting more "family" time. If he doesn't see that as a priority then he shouldn't be a husband nor a father either. Also as some other poster said sometimes you won't even have to ask .....on one of those nights where he wants to go out make yourself up pretty and put something on sexy! You know your husband and you know what does and doesn't turn the light on for him. If he refuses to have sex with you and give up that night out with the guys honey that is a red red flag.

1 mom found this helpful

i just want to say that 'skidsdad' hit it on the head.. all great advice. and that's coming from someone who might know what he's talking about, being a husband.

i think women now days just don't understand the power they've got IF THEY WOULD JUST USE IT! Men are powerless in the presence of a woman that treats them like they are desired and valuable.

That said, I"m fully aware of how mom-hood and daily chaos can sap the interest. And age/length of marriage. However, if you need to, talk to your dr about medications that will help turn your engines back on.. you, your husband and your marriage/children will thank you :)

1 mom found this helpful

A problem is a problem.... when it's a problem. There's no such thing as too much or too little.

There have been times in our marriage when my husband is working anywhere from 40-80 hours a week, times when he's out playing until 2am 5 nights a week... and I'm not only FINE, I'm happy for him. Ditto, when he's on the road... He can be gone for several months at a time. I grew up in the military, and my dad would frequently be gone 6 months or more out of the year. Absence doesn't necessarily equate a problem.

There have ALSO been other times where, I'm not okay with either his social or work schedule.

When something is a problem, it needs to be addressed. Plain and simple. It doesn't matter what works for other families... it matters what is not working for OUR family.

1 mom found this helpful

If you miss him it's too much, time for a chat.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you get to go out too? If not then it is way too much, I mean u have 2 kids, so when do u get a break? When my friends husband pulled that on her it was because he was avoiding being at home. It sounds like maybe u need to sit and have talk.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband says, that married men don't need to go out with the guys. When you get married, you spend time with your family. They, ARE your friends. He also thinks, that guys who want to go out with their friends have not matured into complete manhood. I agree with him.

1 mom found this helpful

How old are you and your husband? My guess is below 30 years of age. My husband is 30 and quit "going out with the guys" when our first child was born. He doesn't have time, nor the inclination. I stay at home full-time and he works 2 jobs so I don't have to work. I think once a month is still a bit much. I agree with JenL...

1 mom found this helpful

Well, first off do you know who he's with and/or where he's going? If so then there shouldn't be a problem if he's not wanting to tell you or just wonder around then me personally I have a problem with that. I think once a week if fair and you too should be able to go out as well.

The other question would be: Do YOU get to go out.... or are you always minding the kids and the home and responsibilities????

If not, then YOU deserve to have free time/going out time/time by yourself with other adults or just you.

So, talk to your Husband.
Many Men, are clueless and unless their wife actually says something, they "assume" it is okay. At least that is what my Husband tells me, regarding himself. So, for me/him... he tells me to TELL him, not hint around at it (because he can be dense) and to just say so. Otherwise, he just thinks things are hunky-dory. BUT my Hubby does help out at home... and he is busy too, working full time AND going to school and studying EVERY day and night. And yes, he goes out with his friends after work or stuff on the weekend.
Its okay with me... because he at least tells me ahead of time mostly.... or asks me if there are other things we have planned. He does that mostly... as much as he can remember.

So, the bottom line is, talk about it to your Husband. KIDS need the other Parent around too.... and for him to spend time with them, not just being a passing ship in the night. Tell him that.

Ultimately, BOTH spouses "should" be considerate of the other AND the kids....

The other bottom-line is: if it bothers YOU... then tell him. Non-confrontational in manner... otherwise the Man could get defensive.

all the best,
Susan

I suggest you go out two nights a week, too. You work about 168 hours p/ week and it seems only fair. Then you can have the discussion of how much is too much: )

That is way to much to go out! When you have a wife and kids, work a lot, and have to work late nights, the free time you have should be spent with YOUR WIFE AND KIDS. Why get married if you want to go out all the time? I saw a few things in here about age...Well my husband I got married in 2002 when we were 20. We have now been married for almost 8 years and I have never had this problem. It has nothing to do with age. It has to do with respect and how mature your man is. My husband works his butt off and so do I. The free time we both have is spent together and with our children. It would be unacceptable in my marriage for my husband to be going out all the time. If he goes out, it's with me, his wife, to a movie, dinner, etc.....

Do you know exactly where he is going?
What needs does he meets at those places and how can they be met at home?
Is there something going on at home that is driving him away?

Why does he "have" to go out? He's married with two children. Priorities changes and that's something you give up for a "family" life. Of course, an occasional night out with friends or to do something for himself, yes. But twice a week? I would say talk with him before you end up angry and things snowball from there. Where does he go? What does he do? Who is he with? And by all means, you need a "Mommies Night Out". Best Wishes!

I don't want to be a bleak person...but you need to follow him (or have him followed) to see what is really going on. You know something isn't right because you are asking this question. Follow your instincts! When we were a younger couple one or the other of us would pull this we were drawing emotionally away from each other. Sometimes too another...emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones. In the very least if you follow him and he is just sitting with the boys at the local pool hall drinking and laughing you can relax that there isn't any hanky panky going on. If you don't find anything suspicious then it is time for a talk. I think men sometimes staying at home isn't a hard or even real job. They start thinking because "they work" they are entitled to these outings. In a true marriage your time is NOT your own...if two are to become one there is only one time. If I feel my husband is getting a little too me time, me time, I will remind him "your time is not your own". Be praying for you..good luck!

In my opinion, if you have issues with it, then it needs to be addressed. I am all for equal opportunity. If he goes out, then you need a chance to go out as well. I would start a conversation with him about it... letting him know that you are really glad that he gets time to get away from his job, but that you would also like some time to get away from your job. Maybe you can turn one of his night's out as a couple's night out!

When it's too much for you then it's too much. Talk to him, explain what you are feeling and why. Men do not get hints. Tell him straight out and see what he has to say. If you want more family time, a chance to get out yourself, a chance to spend a few minutes in the bathroom alone......whatever.

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