He's clearly ignoring you when you've just told him specifically what to do. Also, he can turn his back on safety situations if he knows you're right there and will probably intervene. This sounds like a general marital problem. The first year of a baby's life is statistically the hardest time on any relationship. There is a book by John Gottman called "And Baby Makes Three" which deals with partner relationships after you have a baby. Gottman's books are excellent in general.
He may be reacting to too much criticism of his handling of the baby by withdrawing (it's easy for a first time mom to get paranoid over every detail of the baby's care) -- and he may have lost any confidence in his ability to take care of the baby. Another factor may be that he is not happy with the loss of attention now that baby is getting all the attention. And finally, he could have neanderthal-like ideas of the father's role in childrearing (modern feminism aside, it is actually his childhood and parents who taught him this). I've also dealt with this with my husband, plus we have been in couples counseling. Through many conversations (and there is no way to improve your relationship without having these explicit and direct -- but lovingly phrased -- conversations) we have come to understand each others' feelings and ways we are experiencing parenthood.
Specifically, he tells me he needs more physical affection as well as actually noticing him and kissing him when he comes home from work. I need him to take more childcare responsibility (which is admittedly hard for the man the first 6 months esp. if she is nursing) -- so we started by alotting him nightly baths and some diaper changing when he came home from work. General duty alottment works better because you are not micromanaging and he gets to use his own noodles on how to do it (don't interfere if possible). Your only complaint can be that he didn't do it -- you can't complain about how he did it as long as he got the job done and the child is still alive and intact. Upon completing his responsibility would be a good time to share a word of appreciation (you don't need to throw a ticker tape parade if you don't feel like it) because he actually did something to pitch in and work on the relationship.
The more he gets involved with childcare, the more amazed you both will be with the ever expanding joy and connection he feels with the child. This is his gain as much as it is the child's. If he expects to stay distant until the child can talk he will have lost his connection and the child's trust -- and worse, he may never even realize how much he's lost until the child is grown (Cat's cradle song in the background). Don't be alarmed though -- my hubby was soooooo not involved the first year of my son's life and later we got it together. Now my main concern is occasional jealousy when I think they have a closer connection than I do.
Those are ideas off the top of my head. Please don't be afraid to try couples counseling. You sound like a perfectly normal and otherwise happy couple. But people don't often realize that counseling can actually do great things and make life easier even if you're perfectly normal and not in dire straits -- it is like individualized parenting education specific to you and therefore much more rapid and effective.
Try to get a recommendation for a counselor if you do try counseling (hospitals will usually be able to direct you to a reputable counselor in your neighborhood), and if you get even a halfway decent counselor probably your only regret will be that you didn't try it sooner. Don't expect overnight miracles, but do try to notice the small but important changes that are happening in your relationship. That's my best advice to anyone with children. Thanks for posting this question and good luck!
P.S. It is never too late to try to reconnect with a child, it just takes longer and more work the longer you let it go.
Also, most relationship problems boil down to fixing communication styles (or "de-clawing") and breaking out of the persistent defend and attack mode, so that you can actually begin to communicate and cooperate as partners. This can be more subtle and complicated than you would expect, hence Gottman's books and/or counseling.
Finally, you are the mother of an infant. Your body hasn't recovered from birth (takes a full year!) and you are both going through trial by fire. Get outside help any way you can and find a way to give both of yourselves as many breaks as you can possibly get.
Take a deep breath -- parents have survived the first year and lived to tell about it. Your wisdom will increase a hundred fold and you will gain a new perspective as your child grows. Congratulations, new mommy! :-)
