I am from the caribbean and I am living upstate with my husband. I do not drive and there is no transportation route here. I graduated high school and did technical schooling in my country. I can't apply to any good jobs here I only get minimum wage jobs..I also want to go to college but I would need a GED I had plan to learn to drive and go to classes. My husband would come up with a plan and then it never happens ... I feel stuck, my husband keep saying he worked minimum wage before but he went to college he has a Masters degree and makes good money.He complains that we don't have money but he does not want me to go to school. He says it's not his fault i'm not going to school and that i'm a woman I can do what I want. I don't know anywhere. I had an orientation on monday to do GED classes and we been talking about it for months and then he change his mind. saying that he would have to bring me back and forth and that he can't do that. Why didn't he tell me this before? I think he doesn't want me to go back to school or do anything that will make me independent. I have family members that live in NYC and there is a lot of transportation there and I was thinking I should go there to go to school. My Husband is saying if I go there we are done. I love him but I don't want to be stuck for the rest of my life. I want to know that I at least tried something. I just feel so bad and sad I feel so depressed.
I just want to thank everyone for your wonderful advice and support. I decided that I am going to go to the orientation and try to do it online. This was my plan, really because the back and forth is pretty much impossible with no transportation, the school is close to where my husband works which is an hour away. I planned on going to another school 30 mins away but my husband said that it would have been better we do it his way. That way i'd save money on taxi, couple weeks ago he hired four girls n he changed his mind. He says he thinks i'm going to fight the girls because I am jealous. This makes no sense I am not crazy. Three months ago I found out he was cheating with prostitutes and we have been going to counselling,I used to trust him a 100% but not anymore. That is another long story trying to get over that. Well I told him how I felt and he got mad and left the house 5 hours ago. I don't know where he has gone or what he is doing. I guess he is trying to show me how free he is to do what he wants. We live up on a mountain.I am tired and I think I should leave, he is very much older than I am and he is not acting his age. He also opens credit cards use them and throw them out. He is reckless and irresponsible he will never listen to me. We don't have kids the sad thing is I still love him. I wish he would just try to work things out, I don't know what he really wants. Every time I state a concern he says I am criticizing him, he is very sensitive and I don't know how to pretend like I don't care.
Go back to school. You are young, and you don't want to be stuck with a husband who controls you and keeps you down.
If he leaves you because of it, then that will be a good thing. You have a long life ahead of you, and you don't want to be stuck with a jerk.
Have fun at school and work hard!!!!!
N., can you do your GED on-line? If you can, do that. You will need your GED whether you are married or not.
He is holding you hostage, quite frankly. We can't determine why, but it's really important that you work around this.
Talk to your family members. See if they will let you come. Form a plan. Either do your GED online, or go to NYC. If your husband says you two are done if you go, call his bluff. You can work in NYC while you go to school. If he actually loves you, he will "get over it" and accept that your marriage will have to include your wants and desires as well as his own.
Please do this, N.. Life will NOT get any better if you stay and languish. Life is not a holding pattern with not being able to move because a spouse prevents you from having any life outside of the home. Please don't have children right now with him either. He will use that to further subjugate you.
Do you have children? If not, I'd pack up TODAY and go live with your family in NYC so you can go to school.
Your husband sounds like he wants to control you, but he knows it is wrong, so he is trying to pretend that you are free to do what you'd like to.
If he wants to make your marriage work in the manner in which ALL women deserve to be treated, he will do what he needs to in order for you to reach your potential.
The problem is not that your husband will not let you go to school. The problem is your relationship with him. I urge you to get counseling to work out a more equitable relationship.
As for going to school, I suggest that you not depend on him. It sounds like he's not wanting to provide transportation. He, at first, told you that you could do what you want but you continued to seek his approval. Time to back off from this argument. Find a way to be assertive and independent.
Get your license with the help of relatives so that you can drive yourself. Would you have a car to use? Or, arrange with your relatives for transportation. You make the arrangements for getting the GED and transportation. Don't seek his approval. Be assertive and get the job done without him.
After your SWH: Your husband doesn't want you to meet his new female employees and he visits prostitutes. Of course, you can't trust him. He has a different idea about love and marriage than you do and I suggest the difference is so wide that counseling will not fix it. He's not going to change. I'd be the one to move out and move in with a relative until you get back on your feet.
If you have internet, you may be able to get your GED on line.
:)
Go with your family and get your education. Your husband is isolating you and doing so in a very passive - aggressive way.
Ouch. Your husband sounds very controlling. Do what you need to do to be independent or your depression may become constant. My first husband was like this. He wanted me to work (so he could play), but was deeply threatened by anything I did to become more independent or earn more. Leaving that marriage finally saved my sanity, and probably my daughter's.
Your husband's arguments are keeping you in a logical trap. That's exhausting and discouraging, and extremely unfair. When you say "I love him BUT," that phrase could be a very important piece of the puzzle. Those "buts" are often the sign of an unsatisfactory marriage.
I wish you well.
N.:
Welcome to mamapedia!!
Okay - here's what I understand.
1. you are living in New York - but NOT the Bronx - as the Bronx has a bus system in place as well as access to the subway.
2. you graduated high school in your home country - however - it does not translate to a high school education here in the US?
3. your husband is essentially holding you back from making something of yourself?
So here's my answer as I understand your question.
1. You need to find a way to get access - whether it be a neighbor or family member.
2. You need to finish your orientation with the school. You MIGHT be able to complete it on-line - since it appears you have access to the internet.
3. You need to tell your husband to get on the same page as you and figure out how to manage it.
If you have kids - do you REALLY want to be a "kept" W.? I don't think so. You WANT more. Go get it. I am not an advocate of divorce, but if you have family in the city that can help you - contact them and make it happen.
There might be state funded programs you qualify for in order to get the education you desire. Where there is a will, there is a way. don't let anyone stop you.
You need to do what is right for you, and if your husband truly loves you he will find a way to support you. If you feel going to NY is best then do it, it you want to stay then maybe focus on getting your license first so you can drive yourself and put his argument to rest. If he then comes up with a new excuse for why you can't do it then you will know he is trying to hold you back.
Leave him. He sounds like he is controlling and abusive. You are sad and depressed. Go to your family and get your degree. Live your life freely on your own terms.
Go to school if that's what you want to do. You do NOT need his permission. It feels as if keeping you uneducated means he can better control you. If you have thoughts of your own, if you know more about the world around you and the resources in your community then he's afraid that would mean you would no longer respect him. If you would possibly become more educated than he is, you would have no reason to stay with him because you could then provide for yourself. Right now he provides everything because there's no other choice. He knows that.
I think it's more out of fear for him. He likes the way things are, he likes being in control, and he likes knowing where you are at all times. He likes being the one in charge. If you become educated then he loses control.
I would strongly encourage you to get an education. It would be the best thing you could ever do. And please, please make sure that if you do not have children yet that you do whatever it takes to keep from getting pregnant. He will use having babies as a way to control you and keep from getting an education.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this and I think it's wonderful that you want to go to school. In California you can attend Jr. college when you are 18. You don NOT need a hight school diploma. You can easily transfer to a four year college when you complete your lower division courses and it is much cheaper than a four year school. They also offer night, day and on-line courses. Jr. College is a great way to go, not just for adults, but also for for younger students. I bet you have one close to you. At this point, the GED doesn't mean much and you don't need it. Just go straight to college. I bet you could take a pretty full load of on-line coursework. Usually you just have to make it to campus for big tests and turning in papers. You may also qualify for grants. Go to a school counselor and they will help. I would avoid the vacational schools and the colleges you see on TV. They charge a ton of money and aren't always what employers are looking for as far as education goes. Good luck!!
I'm confused. If you graduated high school and did some technical college in your country why do you need your GED?
Contact a domestic violence hotline, website ect and get some info. He is abusive and controlling. If you can find a way to move ---- then do it. But before you leave find out exactly what you are entitled to as far a marital property, maintaince, ect. For instance if you can prove to the court that he prevented you from going back to school, the judge may make him pay for it or pay you maintaince until you get your degree. He may have to pay you half the value of your home ect.
Good luck to you and let us know what happens.
just a few thoughts....
What are you going to school for? What kind of work do you want to do? Sorry but I think you should address the driving issue. You should get a drivers license if your future work requires you to drive to work. Also, you should have one just in case you are by yourself. It would make you more independent.
Btw, believe everyone are sensitive not just men...and once you have a kid there will be MORE fights about small things. So make sure you build a solid foundation...
