18 answers

Husband Doesn't Listen to Me.

When I try and talk to my husband, he either doesn't hear my question, asks me to repeat multiple times or pretends that he heard me and answers me, but doesn't have a clue what I was talking to him about. At first, it was just annoying and I let it pass. He would say he was concentrating on work and typing on his blackberry and didn't hear me . ..but then I hear other people ask him questions or talk to him and he readily talks to them like they're his best friend or he takes time out of his day to help some random person with a question, but doesn't bother to call to ask me how I'm doing when he knows I haven't been doing well because he's too "busy". Is this a sign we're headed for divorce. Lately, I've been getting so angry about it, I don't want to talk to him at all. We've been together for a long time (over 10 years), so I don't know if he's just bored. Anyways, it's so disrespectful, I've called him out on it and he has nothing to say.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

My husband does this and I feel it is just a matter of knowing you are there for him so he can and he does.

My husbands hearing is low, but he flat out refuses to get a hearing aid, so he admits he hears part of what you say to him and fills in the blanks.

Bad hearing - Poor attention toward wife = HUH?

3 moms found this helpful

My husband went through a phase like this when texting was the new toy he couldn't put down for awhile.
I just started texting my questions to him.
Eventually I exceeded my monthly quota (and I don't text anyone but him) and he discovered it was cheaper to talk/listen to me directly.
A lot of hubbys catch on eventually, especially if it hits them in the wallet.
(Oh, and I've had a harder time hearing in situations where there is a lot of background noise. I have to ask him to repeat questions. It was annoying him till he understood it was just an aging thing.)

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Divorce? Heck no.. but come up with some funny ways to get his attention.. With my husband sometimes, I start the sentence with "Boobs".. He perks up and asks "what?" I then pretend I did not say the word and speak with him.. Hee, hee...

Or I will use the line we used on our daughter "listen to my words".. Or "I need to see your eyes."

"Can you hear what I am saying?" Or get on the computer and send him a message through his blackberry saying "look at me", "I am trying to tell you something"..

We live in a home that is pier and beam with wooden floors, so sometimes, I will stomp my foot at him..the house shakes , it cracks him up every time..

FYI, My husband has ADHD..

7 moms found this helpful

If you haven't discussed this with your husband, that is your first step. I suggest that you get into couples counseling and work this out. Start with going out for coffee or even having coffee together at the table with nothing else going on so that you're looking at each other and tell him how you feel. Do not accuse him of not caring. Don't make assumptions for why he doesn't listen. Just tell him you feel like he doesn't listen to you and it's making you angry and you want to find a way to talk to each other so that you feel heard. Use I statements. Instead of saying "you don't listen to me." say, " I feel like you don't listen to me." He may say, he didn't know that and become defensive saying he does listen. Then you describe what you hear and see, starting each sentence with I.

You've let this go on too long which has result in lots of built up negative feelings on your part and most likely clueless feelings on his part. I suggest it will help if you apologize for waiting so long to express your feelings. Remember, you are expressing your feelings and not telling him how he feels or why he's doing it.

It will take time to work thru all those feelings. Be gentle with yourself and with him. Focus on finding a way to have better communication and not on the anger from the past.

I suggest that you may need professional help to get past your passive past. IF he doesn't want to go, you go and learn how to get yourself back on track.

I suggest taking a look at Non-violent Communication. They have a web site and a book by that title. It helps us learn ways of wording what we have to say so that it's easier for the other person to hear us. How we speak greatly influences what the other person hears and how they respond. When we whine or are cranky the other person frequently tunes us out. Given your level of emotion it may be that he's not listening. Who wants to hear an unpleasant tone of voice? You may be able to get him to listen just by changing your attitude towards him which will change your tone of voice. Start with an open hearted conversation with him and then focus on believing that he will want to listen when you're more interesting.

This doesn't mean you're headed for a divorce. I'd call this a wake up call to investing in communication in your marriage.

6 moms found this helpful

I decided not to compete with electronics and refused to say a single word to my husband if he wouldn't give me his full attention, or even bother looking up much less answering me. We didn't talk for 4.5 months. I didn't say a single word that wasn't in response to something he said first, and only if he was looking at me. If he was just talking to thin air as he headed for the computer... I just shrugged and walked the other way.

I actually had a lot of fun during those 4 months because I cut him out of my life completely. No asking what he wanted for dinner, updating or including him in plans, just me and kiddo.

I don't recommend the process. I got over being angry with him... but it did nothing else but add more distance to our marriage. I'd tried everything else, however; talking with him. Standing in front of the machine. Cutting the power. Waving my arms. Standing naked. Fighting & yelling at the top of my lungs...

I finally just decided it wasn't worth the effort, and that I was not going to lose a competition with a stupid machine. So I quit playing.

When he FINALLY noticed (over 4 months later), things changed. But honest to god... I just don't have that much to say anymore to him. It was too habit forming, disincluding him. My first thought BEFORE giving up was "I need to tell DH!" OR "Gee, I wonder what DH thinks?" or "I should check with DH before ________." Shoe's on the other foot, now. NOW he's trying to get me engaged in conversation. But too many years of being ignored, and several months of "silence" (not silent treatment, I'd talk but the moment his attention wandered I'd walk out midsentance and go on with my life)... WHY would I want to share.

Personally... My suspicion is that as long as you're still fighting, you still have hope. At least that's the way it was for me. At this point, I don't bother to fight for attention. I don't care enough to.

5 moms found this helpful

"Is this a sign we're headed for divorce?" How ridiculous! It's a sign that he does not pay attention when you talk to him. Make sure he's paying attention before you say a thing the FIRST time.

5 moms found this helpful

two books:

For him to read: "If He Only Knew, What No Woman Can Resist" "

For you to read: Sacred Influence, What a Man Needs From his Wife to be the Husband She Wants"

and...."His Needs, Her Needs" or....Love and Respect".

I think the first two listed books are most helpful, followed by the others.
See if you can get any of them in the library. The' HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS' has a lot of questionairs in it that we didnt do. I think it was just a good wakeup call to hear the author say that needs are a DRIVING force of behavior, and if you don't meet your spouses needs, they will find it somewhere else.

4 moms found this helpful

My husband does this and I feel it is just a matter of knowing you are there for him so he can and he does.

My husbands hearing is low, but he flat out refuses to get a hearing aid, so he admits he hears part of what you say to him and fills in the blanks.

Bad hearing - Poor attention toward wife = HUH?

3 moms found this helpful

Assuming your husband's hearing is ok, I would look into ADD/ADHD. Everything you have described fits the profile.

3 moms found this helpful

If you continue to decide that you don't want to talk to him, and let your anger continue to fester, then yeah, that WILL lead to divorce. It's up to both of you to start putting your best foot forward and learn to communicate with each other. Men are pretty clueless in general, I have found, and often seem to need everything spelled out for them. You say that you have called him out on it but it's possible that the manner in which you did it made him feel attacked and defensive and his response to is basically withdraw and shut down. There is also a tendency in marriages to take each other for granted so he may assume you are fine because nothing has been said, as opposed to the interest he shows in someone else that he doesn't see everyday. As others have already suggested, you might want to consider counseling, and more effective means of communication.

3 moms found this helpful

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