January 18, 2007,
D.G. asks from Lakewood, OH on January 16, 2007
Husband Doesn't Know If He Wants Another Child??
When my husband and I first got serious we discussed our goals in life which included a home and 2 children. We even agreed on approximatly how close together we would like to have our children. Now we have been married for 3 years and have our house and our son is 2. We had talked about our kids being about 4 years apart. I had a bad recovery from my c-section with my son so I understood when my husband told me that he didn't know if he wanted me to go through with that again. I am willing to and it is my body so I took his thoughts into consideration but it is my choice.
After my annual I started bringing it up to him about when I wanted to go off of birth control and start trying for our second. He point blank says to me "I don't know if I really want another one and I'm not going to let you or anyone else pressure me into it." I was very hurt but tried to hear him out. He isn't a really good coversationalist but more of an arguer. Eventually he said "whatever we will but not for a while since you are going to get pregnant with our without my consent....or with or without me." I don't know where this comment comes from but basically he is really reluctant and I don't know how to handle this situation.
Sorry this is so long winded but wanted to try and explain as best as I can. I just don't want to have a child with someone who doesn't want to. However I feel that another baby is meant to be...just something inside me feels this way.
Thanks in advance
M. answers from Cleveland on January 16, 2007
I had the same problem except that I was the one that did not want another baby. My husband wanted our children very close together and when we were dating, I agreed with him. We became pregnant very quickly after we were married. My son was born and was very sick for the first year and was one of the worst cases of colic I had ever heard of! When he turned 18 months my husband and I had a very "heated" heart to heart. I told him that I wasn't ready to have another and that I didn't know when I would be. He asked me to "do it for him". The thing was that it just didn't involve him, it involved us! The more he pushed, the more I was against it. Finally, he backed off and now a year later, I'm ready again. I just needed time. I know that things didn't work out exactly how we planned it, but it worked out. Try letting it go for alittle bit, and see if he doesn't come around. He may be making a power struggle out of it. Good Luck to you!
1 mom found this helpful
N.M. answers from Cincinnati on January 17, 2007
Hi D., I know it is very discouraging to hear that from your husband. You may feel betrayed since you thought you both wanted more than one child. Before I got pregnant with our first child, my husband, who had always said that he wanted children, shared that he was having second thoughts and that he didn't think he wanted kids after all. I was crushed. For about a day. Then realized that I was not yet ready for kids anyway and that he was my family first and foremost. If it was meant to be, it would happen and we'd both be happy about it. And it did (by surprise, and we were both overwhelmed but joyous).
Consider how your husband would feel to be tricked, bypassed, or pressured into having another child. It shouldn't be just "your decision" because the baby would belong to both of you. Would it be fair to the child to bring him/her into a contentious situation? Is it worth it to disrespect your husband's wishes? My advice (and please, take it with a grain of salt--I don't pretend to know you or your husband) is to wait, continue to be a good mom to your son and a patient wife. It will happen in time if it's meant to be. Wishing you the best, Nan
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S. answers from Cleveland on January 17, 2007
Hi D., I would check with your obgyn and ask questions, maybe you won't need a c-section this time? Or your recovery may be much easier this time. Then I would talk to your husband and explain why you want to have another child and because he is a great dad. Let him know that you are not pressuring him but that you would like him to seriously think about having another child together. Communication is key. Write your thoughts down, so you explain yourself to him and let him think about his answers too. Give him time.
Take care and God Bless.
T. answers from Columbus on January 16, 2007
I don't have any good advice on what to do, but am in the same situation. We have a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old and I want another one. I realize this is not a good time for us (financial and a few other issues to deal with) but when I try to talk to him about spacing, and if waiting until our first two are a little bigger, he keeps saying he does not want any more. I just don't understand how he can be so sure, I am talking about 2 to 3 years from now, how can he be sure he doesn’t. Good luck!
B.W. answers from Toledo on January 16, 2007
I have read the other responses and the advice I have to add is to theirs is to, look up the benefits of children having siblings and add that to your position of having another child, and look into the underlying issues behind his statement. A counselor may well be a good idea!
If the benefits of having siblings does not convince him and he is dead set against another child and you are set on having another child, it leaves you in an uncomfortable position with some uncomfortable and painful choices to make. You are correct it is your body and your choice if you wish to have a child despite the dangers. However you also do not have the right to force him to have a child of his body without his consent.
It also seems that he has other issues, judging by his response. I am assuming that you did not leave out a "Not" in the sentence:
"whatever we will but not for a while since you are going to get pregnant with our without my consent....or with or without me."
which with the "not" would read:
"whatever we will but not for a while since you are NOT going to get pregnant with our without my consent....or with or without me."
Those are two very different statements.
Assuming you did not leave out the "Not" it does sound like he is attacking you verbally. Stating w/out saying that you will get pregnant w/ or w/out him and/or his consent, could very well imply a trust issue between you two. Ask him what he meant by that statement and see what his underlying issue is regarding your desire to have another baby, if one exists.
If the "not" was supposed to be in there then address that statement. I recall you saying that he is more of an "arguer", I cannot tell by your comment if that means logical, rational debates, or screaming matches. Your response will vary depending on the answer, but I suggest that if he is the second, that you look up communication styles and ways to kindly suggest to him that talking things out is far more productive and enjoyable than screaming matches :)
C.J. answers from Columbus on January 17, 2007
I hate to say this but it sounds like you have other issues
that you need to approach long before conceiving. Your husbands comment sounds to me like he either doesn't trust you or himself, one of the two, maybe both. I would definitely wait until you are both ready. I also have to ask if your
husband likes your job as much as you do. Maybe he feels you
are overwhelmed with children now. Men are very hard to read sometimes if they don't open up and tell you the truth so it is hard to try to read between the lines when he isn't willing to be up front and tell you exactly why he feels you should wait.
N.G. answers from Cleveland on January 17, 2007
It is not unusual for a husband to not be thinking about another child so soon after the first. Typically the first 2 years of parenting (while they are precious to you) are not real rewarding for the dad. They may feel inadequate around an infant or overwhelmed. Since you spend all your time with them, you are quite comfortable ( and in love) with them. He probably doesn't get the same fulfillment as you do since you are the primary care giver. Also, a 2 yr old boy is a real handful! He may feel he is more than enough responsibility for now. Having your son probably really woke him up to the responsibility of providing for another totally dependant person. For some men that is overwhelming. Also my husband never really bonded well with our children until they were about 2 and he felt he could communicate with them. (we had 5) When they started talking back and interacting more with them, he suddenly involved himself more and recognised them as a little person. He found it easier to play with a toddler and felt more confident handling them and caring for them. Perhaps your husband needs a little more time to bond with this one first and experience the joys of parenting that balance out the responsibility of it. Finally, the fact that you have a day care in your home can't be overlooked! Most men find other people's kids not nearly as tolerable as their own. Having several infants and toddlers around all day or even when he comes home at night might be a real aggravation to him. He may see children as noise and chaois or just competition for his time with you! This would be quite understandable, and maybe something you should discuss? He also may have overheard you say to another woman something about your "decision" to have another one soon and he may feel that you were not considering him. Hope this helps!
L. answers from Cleveland on January 18, 2007
I am in a similar situation. I have a 2 yr old daughter via in-vitro and desperately want another child. My husband keeps putting me off saying "we can't afford it right now." I am going to be 36 and feel that time is running out. We also discussed the number of children before marriage and I always said 3 and he would say 2 so we used to joke that we would meet in the middle. It's so hard to feel happy for my other friends when I hear that they are pregnant because I feel that I am being cheated out of my life dreams and I honestly don't know how to handle the resentment for the rest of our marriage??? I am a stay at home mom and have offered getting a part-time job, but my husband owns his own business, works all the time and we do not have family that can help out with childcare.