January 18, 2007,
D.G. asks from Lakewood, OH on January 16, 2007
Husband Doesn't Know If He Wants Another Child??
When my husband and I first got serious we discussed our goals in life which included a home and 2 children. We even agreed on approximatly how close together we would like to have our children. Now we have been married for 3 years and have our house and our son is 2. We had talked about our kids being about 4 years apart. I had a bad recovery from my c-section with my son so I understood when my husband told me that he didn't know if he wanted me to go through with that again. I am willing to and it is my body so I took his thoughts into consideration but it is my choice.
After my annual I started bringing it up to him about when I wanted to go off of birth control and start trying for our second. He point blank says to me "I don't know if I really want another one and I'm not going to let you or anyone else pressure me into it." I was very hurt but tried to hear him out. He isn't a really good coversationalist but more of an arguer. Eventually he said "whatever we will but not for a while since you are going to get pregnant with our without my consent....or with or without me." I don't know where this comment comes from but basically he is really reluctant and I don't know how to handle this situation.
Sorry this is so long winded but wanted to try and explain as best as I can. I just don't want to have a child with someone who doesn't want to. However I feel that another baby is meant to be...just something inside me feels this way.
Thanks in advance
M. answers from Cleveland on January 16, 2007
I had the same problem except that I was the one that did not want another baby. My husband wanted our children very close together and when we were dating, I agreed with him. We became pregnant very quickly after we were married. My son was born and was very sick for the first year and was one of the worst cases of colic I had ever heard of! When he turned 18 months my husband and I had a very "heated" heart to heart. I told him that I wasn't ready to have another and that I didn't know when I would be. He asked me to "do it for him". The thing was that it just didn't involve him, it involved us! The more he pushed, the more I was against it. Finally, he backed off and now a year later, I'm ready again. I just needed time. I know that things didn't work out exactly how we planned it, but it worked out. Try letting it go for alittle bit, and see if he doesn't come around. He may be making a power struggle out of it. Good Luck to you!
1 mom found this helpful
N.M. answers from Cincinnati on January 17, 2007
Hi D., I know it is very discouraging to hear that from your husband. You may feel betrayed since you thought you both wanted more than one child. Before I got pregnant with our first child, my husband, who had always said that he wanted children, shared that he was having second thoughts and that he didn't think he wanted kids after all. I was crushed. For about a day. Then realized that I was not yet ready for kids anyway and that he was my family first and foremost. If it was meant to be, it would happen and we'd both be happy about it. And it did (by surprise, and we were both overwhelmed but joyous).
Consider how your husband would feel to be tricked, bypassed, or pressured into having another child. It shouldn't be just "your decision" because the baby would belong to both of you. Would it be fair to the child to bring him/her into a contentious situation? Is it worth it to disrespect your husband's wishes? My advice (and please, take it with a grain of salt--I don't pretend to know you or your husband) is to wait, continue to be a good mom to your son and a patient wife. It will happen in time if it's meant to be. Wishing you the best, Nan
S. answers from Cleveland on January 17, 2007
Hi D., I would check with your obgyn and ask questions, maybe you won't need a c-section this time? Or your recovery may be much easier this time. Then I would talk to your husband and explain why you want to have another child and because he is a great dad. Let him know that you are not pressuring him but that you would like him to seriously think about having another child together. Communication is key. Write your thoughts down, so you explain yourself to him and let him think about his answers too. Give him time.
Take care and God Bless.
T. answers from Columbus on January 16, 2007
I don't have any good advice on what to do, but am in the same situation. We have a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old and I want another one. I realize this is not a good time for us (financial and a few other issues to deal with) but when I try to talk to him about spacing, and if waiting until our first two are a little bigger, he keeps saying he does not want any more. I just don't understand how he can be so sure, I am talking about 2 to 3 years from now, how can he be sure he doesn’t. Good luck!
B.W. answers from Toledo on January 16, 2007
I have read the other responses and the advice I have to add is to theirs is to, look up the benefits of children having siblings and add that to your position of having another child, and look into the underlying issues behind his statement. A counselor may well be a good idea!
If the benefits of having siblings does not convince him and he is dead set against another child and you are set on having another child, it leaves you in an uncomfortable position with some uncomfortable and painful choices to make. You are correct it is your body and your choice if you wish to have a child despite the dangers. However you also do not have the right to force him to have a child of his body without his consent.
It also seems that he has other issues, judging by his response. I am assuming that you did not leave out a "Not" in the sentence:
"whatever we will but not for a while since you are going to get pregnant with our without my consent....or with or without me."
which with the "not" would read:
"whatever we will but not for a while since you are NOT going to get pregnant with our without my consent....or with or without me."
Those are two very different statements.
Assuming you did not leave out the "Not" it does sound like he is attacking you verbally. Stating w/out saying that you will get pregnant w/ or w/out him and/or his consent, could very well imply a trust issue between you two. Ask him what he meant by that statement and see what his underlying issue is regarding your desire to have another baby, if one exists.
If the "not" was supposed to be in there then address that statement. I recall you saying that he is more of an "arguer", I cannot tell by your comment if that means logical, rational debates, or screaming matches. Your response will vary depending on the answer, but I suggest that if he is the second, that you look up communication styles and ways to kindly suggest to him that talking things out is far more productive and enjoyable than screaming matches :)
C.J. answers from Columbus on January 17, 2007
I hate to say this but it sounds like you have other issues
that you need to approach long before conceiving. Your husbands comment sounds to me like he either doesn't trust you or himself, one of the two, maybe both. I would definitely wait until you are both ready. I also have to ask if your
husband likes your job as much as you do. Maybe he feels you
are overwhelmed with children now. Men are very hard to read sometimes if they don't open up and tell you the truth so it is hard to try to read between the lines when he isn't willing to be up front and tell you exactly why he feels you should wait.
N.G. answers from Cleveland on January 17, 2007
It is not unusual for a husband to not be thinking about another child so soon after the first. Typically the first 2 years of parenting (while they are precious to you) are not real rewarding for the dad. They may feel inadequate around an infant or overwhelmed. Since you spend all your time with them, you are quite comfortable ( and in love) with them. He probably doesn't get the same fulfillment as you do since you are the primary care giver. Also, a 2 yr old boy is a real handful! He may feel he is more than enough responsibility for now. Having your son probably really woke him up to the responsibility of providing for another totally dependant person. For some men that is overwhelming. Also my husband never really bonded well with our children until they were about 2 and he felt he could communicate with them. (we had 5) When they started talking back and interacting more with them, he suddenly involved himself more and recognised them as a little person. He found it easier to play with a toddler and felt more confident handling them and caring for them. Perhaps your husband needs a little more time to bond with this one first and experience the joys of parenting that balance out the responsibility of it. Finally, the fact that you have a day care in your home can't be overlooked! Most men find other people's kids not nearly as tolerable as their own. Having several infants and toddlers around all day or even when he comes home at night might be a real aggravation to him. He may see children as noise and chaois or just competition for his time with you! This would be quite understandable, and maybe something you should discuss? He also may have overheard you say to another woman something about your "decision" to have another one soon and he may feel that you were not considering him. Hope this helps!
L. answers from Cleveland on January 18, 2007
I am in a similar situation. I have a 2 yr old daughter via in-vitro and desperately want another child. My husband keeps putting me off saying "we can't afford it right now." I am going to be 36 and feel that time is running out. We also discussed the number of children before marriage and I always said 3 and he would say 2 so we used to joke that we would meet in the middle. It's so hard to feel happy for my other friends when I hear that they are pregnant because I feel that I am being cheated out of my life dreams and I honestly don't know how to handle the resentment for the rest of our marriage??? I am a stay at home mom and have offered getting a part-time job, but my husband owns his own business, works all the time and we do not have family that can help out with childcare.
C.B. answers from Cleveland on January 17, 2007
It sounds like your husband is afraid of losing YOU. Not so much that he does not want another child but the risk YOU are put in DOES affect him! IF,GOD FORBID, something DID happen to you then HE would be WITHOUT A WIFE and HAVE TWO CHILDREN to care for!
Sometimes WE as women do NOT think about this side of it but in RARE instances THINGS DO HAPPEN and HE would NEVER forgive himself and MAY resent the child if you were taken away because of that childs birth.
IF it is SUPPOSED to Happen then LET IT, Through the LORD but NOT by trying to MAKE it happen and Hurt your relationship in the process. If you VALUE this man and his opinion then you will let it go for now.
I lost a child two years ago at 5 months and have been in an emotional place ever since. However, this too was the way MY husband felt and he used anger for a long time BEFORE telling me HIS FEARS! I have two children from a previous marriage but wanted one together. The Lord will have to intervene if that is HIS plan!
Dropping the talk has helped. But I DO understand YOUR position. But let it go. Pray and see if that works. I tried to get pregnant, not telling him when I was fertile, I was very late once and HE was THRILLED I MIGHT BE! It was NOT to be, but if you ACT like YOU are NOT pushing him into it and maybe he too will be happy if it happens.
I will keep you two in Prayers and hope this letter helps you to easy up on him for a season.
I his comment with or without him, just means without him being "ON Board" with your decision. Not that you should have another mans child!
K.T. answers from Columbus on January 16, 2007
Although I didn't realize it at the time, I "pressured" my husband into having a second (and last) child. She is now 8 months old, and I can honestly tell you that it took SIX MONTHS for my husband to bond with her. I'm not sure exactly why that happened, but I suspect at least part of it is/was because he really wasn't on board with the whole decision and subsequent pregnancy. It was a very painful 6 months for me watching him basically ignore the baby whenever he could, and I'm afraid I will hold that against him for a while. :(
My advice to you is to wait until he is in complete agreement with your decision.
K.N. answers from Cleveland on January 16, 2007
I'm jsut curious if there is an underlying issue, I to am an in home child care provider and my husband was all for it, we have 5 kids between us and it lets me stay home, untill I started keeping kids at night after ours were in bed. Once it cut into what little time we had alone he got very resentful, so my question for you is could it be that he is afraid of having less time with yu than he already does and if so would you be willing to compromise onj your schedual to ease that worry of his. babies are tough they ae up at odd hours and recquire a ton of attention and when you already have a housefull well you can almost see their point ya know. but hopefully this all works out and the two of you can come up with the real reasons he is so against it and figure it out with or without the help of a counselor. whatever happens don't let it destroy your marrigae and don't stop taking the pill and not tell him I have a friend who did and he walked out quicker than she could say she was sorry, and she is now a single mother of 3. good luck and god bless and you know what if it is really meant that you have another baby you will but maybe it won't happen as son as you like there is always time and while 4 years is a good rang it isn't like you can't have kids 5 or even 10 years apart. take care and be patient, he'll come around.
R.H. answers from Columbus on January 17, 2007
I think you need a heart to heart with your husband why did he change his mind and why did his answers sound so rude.Is there problems in your marriage that u may be over-looking and with his anger issue towards u do u want another child with him?(That comment mwith me or without me concerns me)I have 4 girls I love chidren too.Good Luck
S.Q. answers from Youngstown on January 16, 2007
you mentioned that it is YOUR decision. but in a marriage it supposed to be a joint decision. if your husband (the potential father) does not want the child it is not a good idea to have one anyway or to pressure him into it.
i know a couple who was in the exact same situatuion. the wife just had to have her perfect family even thought the husband was satisfied the way it was. well, she had her baby. and the husband is having a hard time bonding (the child is almost 3), and the wife and husband are absolutley resentful of each other and terribly unhappy. it has destroyed their relationship.
so while your feelings are valid and natural, it is not always the best idea to act on them. you have to think about how it might affect your whole family.
M. answers from Cincinnati on January 18, 2007
D., I'm so sorry that you and your husband are feeling conflict over this - that must be stressful and difficult for both of you! A few ideas for you to check out and see if any of them resonate with you & your husband:
1) To help with communicating your needs effectively and to be compassionate with your husband (and yourself) which might result in his not responding so defensively (since this seems to be a really sensitive issue for him, too!), Marshall Rosenberg has written several wonderful books & booklets (very short books) on non-violent communication:
2) To help get through the fears (his, or yours, or both) of a repeat cesarean, contact the wonderful, non-profit cesarean support network called ICAN, look through wonderful online resources (http://ican-online.org/), and make sure both of you are really informed about your birth choices, whether that's VBAC or a 2nd c/sec - you can even attend a meeting of your local chapter (they meet @ Cuyahoga County Public Library, Brooklyn Branch every third Wednesday at 7PM):
ICAN of Greater Cleveland
I hope that you and your husband are able to come together, sit and talk and really connect compassionately with one another so that you can move through the fears & concerns and onto your true desires/needs for possibly adding to your family!
R.W. answers from Lexington on January 16, 2007
D., I kind of know what you're going through. When I first got married, I didn't know if I would ever want children (I was on the fast track in my career) and my husband, who is from a large family, didn't understand but he also didn't push it. As the years went by, and I was at the top of the chain at work my life still seemed hollow. I realized that what was missing in my life was a child. We now have a beatiful 9 month old and I want one more. My husband says that we're finished, that one is enough.
I don't have a solution for you but it might be worth asking him if he'd be willing to see a family couselor with you. If your husband is anything like mine he probably now understands how much a child costs and how much responsibility is involved and is a little freaked out (even if you are the primary care giver). For both of our sakes, I hope that this is something that can be overcome.
K. answers from Dayton on January 16, 2007
I've had two c-sections, so I understand that your husband doesn't want you to suffer, but the comment about getting pregnant with or without him is an unfair one. Are there other issues with him? Would a counselor help?
And I completely understand your desire to have two. Children are so much fun and such a blessing. So, not sure what to tell you I'd do, other than consider a counselor to find out what the real issue is. If you don't think it will last with him, it's better to not complicate things. But if it's just something that will pass you'll both enjoy the new baby so much and wonder how you ever got along without him or her!
God Bless you and help you with your burden.