Husband Doesn't Care to Be at Birth of Second Child

I don't think it's all that unusual. I've heard other men say things that make me think being in the labor room wasn't any fun for them. So if you decide to let him off the hook, I don't think it means he's a bad husband or a bad dad or anything.

On the other hand, if you want/need him there, it's really his job to buck up and do it cheerfully. I've talked to guy friends who seem to almost have PTSD a little bit after a really rough birth - but when it comes right down to it, it's not his bits getting stretched and ripped. Maybe some hypnobirthing coaching and relaxation exercises would be valuable to him (seriously - it helped me a lot.)

My husband has an issue with blood, and he didn't want to look at that area. In the end he did end up watching, he said he couldn't stop himself and it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. I agree with the 1st post he doesn't have to watch that part, he does however need to be "ALL" there for you and if he isn't; he is the one missing out. My husband was scared of me, well scared of the pain I was in and stayed away from me as much as possible. Good luck, I hope in the end he will change his mind.

Although very few people talk about it, I don't think this is an uncommon reaction to birth for many men. Not all guys are up for being a "birth coach" or really want to see their wife/lover in quite such a... primal way. It's one reason men were never traditionally allowed in the birthing rooms (this all changed in the 1960s and 70s).

So, unlike the other posters here, I really don't think you should make him go. Personally, I offered my husband the option of being my "primary coach" or not when I had my son. I did this out of consideration for his feelings and after having talked to my brother in-law (his brother) who had been at the birth of his daughter. My brother in-law had commented that he was excited to see his daughter born, but at the same time would have rather not been there in retrospect - it was all just a little too "real" for him. Plus, I think some men just cant get the birth scene out of their heads later on when it comes time to be intimate with their wives. I think it's wussy of them, but I can't really blame them for it.

I suggest you get a doula to support and attend you with this next birth. Your husband is clearly more comfortable being a dad to your son, and I think you should let him feel useful and helpful by doing that. A doula, on the other hand, can be there for you in a capacity that it sounds like your husband wasn't the first time around. It's her job to help you through the process, support you, make suggestions when you need it, etc. Plus, lots of well-run studies have now shown that having a doula present can shorten your time in labor and lower your risk of interventions and a c-section.

Good luck with your birth!

Kelly,
I'm sorry for your situation & the stress it is putting you under while pregnant. I think if the wife wants the husband there, he should "suck it up" and be there with her, period. You're the one giving birth, he doesn't even need to look if he doesn't want to. I think he's being a baby. He unfortunately seems to be putting himself ahead of you, which is a problem (in my mind, at least). However, I guess if the blood, etc. really, really, really bothers him, it's okay for him to be in the waiting room with your son. If he is a good father & good husband & this is your only "complaint," then I say let it slide, no need to create additional stress. He can be in the waiting room watching your son, and your other support person can be with you during the birth. However, if this is just one amongst many complaints, then I think there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. My husband is squeamish around blood, but was excited to be in the delivery room with me. Everyone's situation is different though. Good luck & congrats!

I am sure men feel this way but keep those thoughts to themselves. I think you should validate your husbands feelings but explain- your feelings as well. that this is important to you- I am sure you dont want to be there either! This is not easy for you and you need your husband there with you. this baby is a part of both of you. just ask him to be there at the head of the bed- he doesnt need to look down there and watch the baby being born. as I am sure this is a hard experience for many men. many men have a hard time being intimate after seeing their childs birth.

Congrats and good luck!

My now ex- was not real excited about being at the birth of our second child either. He showed up but only after I nagged and nagged. To me you shouldn't have to nag your husband to be at the birth of his child.
Even today I can NOT understand how fathers don't want to be at the birth of there children and support there wives during such a special time. Needless to say why my ex is an ex. For me it kind of ruined the happiness I felt because I had to beg him to come to the birth. Thank god for my best friend she was there and made the whole birthing experience great. In my situation in turns out he did not want to be at the birth because he really did not want the second baby. In my opinion if you have a friend who can be there for you and you can get past being angry at your husband let him sit home-His loss. Good luck and enjoy your new little one. Two are alot more fun and work than just one. Enjoy

Well, you can't change your husband. If he doesn't see the childbirth experience the same way as other people, it's not his fault, just the way he feels. Even if you feel that it's insensitive, he's still entitled to feel the way he does. It would hurt my feelings too, and I think if my husband had said that I would've said something like "I understand that you aren't into the whole childbirth part, but it's important to me and I want you to be there to support me". I'm sure that if you told him this, he would be there in a heartbeat. And if not, I would be having a serious conversation about what it means to support eachother as husband and wife, even when the situations aren't ideal.

My husband is not very emotional either. He was in the delivery room when I had my youngest 2 (he is not my oldest's dad). The first time, my mom & sister were tehre also, so it was ok for me, but the second time, it was just he & I, as my stepdad could not watch my other 2 kids by himself. It was HORRIBLE. He hates seeing me in pain, and was not a good support person. I wish someone else had been there too. He does not regret being there for his 2 little guys being born, but it would have been less stressful if I had a support person there the last time too. So maybe the best case scenario is that someone can watch your son, and someone else, maybe a relative, or close friend, can be enlisted as your support person. It might help your husband too. :) No matter what, you need someone there who will support you. It will help you be less stressed, and in turn, the baby will be less stressed.

First of all, I would like to comment about what "M R" mentioned about your child being "dragged" into the labor and delivery. From my last birth experience, I will tell you and others it does not have to be that way. I know this sounds frightening to some but it can be an awesome bonding experience for the siblings as it has been in our case. My daughter was there for her sister's birth and labor and she was almost 2 1/2.

Secondly, please don't get stressed - I feel your frustration as I read your post and I feel the pain and disappointment you feel right now. That is exactly how I felt when my husband said he would deal with our daughter in case she needed to be taken out or what not. My attitude is more or less "you got me into this, so suck it up and get me out of this..." But actually as things got towards the end of the pregnancy I realized that him not being supportive to me and being present was gonna be worse than him being absent altogether till afterwards. So thankfully I had arranged a doula to be with me and later in the pregnancy I decided to get a close friend to couch me and support me during the labor since I knew my husband wouldn't be there. It was the absolute BEST decision I could've made! I was way more supported and I did not feel upset that my husbad wasn't there in the end -- it's truly his loss, not mine or my daughter's. Now my attitude is different. If he doesn't want to be there - fine. Sometimes you just need the guy to take care of practicality rather than the emotional stuff. Let's face it, labor and the whole experience is very emotional for us mothers. Guys don't always know what to do with that and its not cause they're villans. (sp?) They just are often insensitive. You could try explaining to him that this is hard for you without him but when push comes to shove you need to take care of your needs with or without him. Sometimes guys are thoughtless and self centered. And in order that you have the birth you want you need to get the support elsewhere. Please please please get a friend, supportive neighbor, family member you're close to, doula, whatever, whomever, to support you through this so it is a great experience. It can be!!! By the way, there are doulas who are great who work probono, if cost is the issue. Kelly, hang in there. I know its hard, scary,etc. but you'll do great and it'll all work out okay in the end. Just wait for that baby!!!!!! If you need to talk I've been there.
Feel well and be well,
N.

Hi Kelly,
My husband was the same. At first I was deeply hurt as you are but it is good thing that he was honest about the experience being horrifying! It can be for some people, men and women! I think you should give him the option to spend quality time with your other child. I had a wonderful nurse who coached me better than my husband knew how. She was very accommodating. Relax and enjoy the birth and your husband can be right outside in the waiting room for the minute the blood is cleared away! J.

I can see it being a "horrifying" experience. I would rather not go through the exact same thing as I did the first time! However, I think he needs to suck it up and be there for you. My hubby wasn't a coach, but he did what he could etc. I may not have him there if my Mom can't get here to watch my son, but that is a different circumstance.

I hope he changes his mind. Tell him not to look below the waist if he wants. I would think he would regret it later on not being there at that moment.

Maybe it was also "horrifying" for him to see you go through so much pain. My husband never said a word but it bothered him (concerned and worried) to see me in such obvious pain...pain that he could not do a damn thing about.

Perhaps his way of dealing with the situation and trying to help you is to spend his time taking care of your other child. Who else is going to watch your other child? Are you planning on dragging your 'rambunctious 2.5 year old son' into the labor and delivery room to hang out for what could be hours on end? Maybe his train of thought is to take care of that detail for you so you don't have to worry one bit about it.

I'd be disappointed if my husband was not at my delivery, but if he was not going to be there because it was difficult for him to handle and instead he would spend 24-7 making sure my other child was supervised and satisfied, then I would be absolutely fine with it...especially if he "wasn't very coach-like" and I was going to enlist the help of someone else.

Okay we all know men can be worse that children sometimes. If you had a sensitive man I would call you "Lucky Duck". With your first child you were more preoccupied with what he was not doing and misses alot of the awsome sensations and emotional connections that you make with your child during birth. If he does not want to be apart of that then so be it, it is his loss not yours. Get a coach that has children already so she knows what will happen so she can concentrate on you. You deserve to have an attentive coach. This will make your labor flow smoothly. Let your husband know since he does not want to help you with labor that you will need him to help when you get home. Trust me you will enjoy this birth more than your first without that type of tension in the room. Let him throw his fit and you go have yourself a baby, lol. Enjoy it.

He sounds like he's scared.
But guess what, so are we. I think if i were in your shoes, explaining what the ramifications would be if he wasn't there would convince him to go.
but. i can be rather direct.

My husband's not even sure he wants us to have a second. He's very empathic and seeing me so uncomfortable and in pain really did a number on him emotionally. If the truth is that it really was very distressing for him the first time then you might just have to accept it. It might be that he's too emotional like mine. Sit down with him and calmly explain to him why you want him there, why it would be so important to you. Talk to him and try to get him to open up. The birth of your child should be a stress free as possible and some men just aren't...cut out for it. Try not to force him, try to keep the peace and above all be honest with him.

Good luck.

I know that this must be very hard for you. At the birth of our first child together, my husband was good, but he was also horrified by it and said no more baby's but we did have another one. He use to tell me he would rather not be there, but he knew he had to be. I had 2 doulas the last time and a midwife. It hurt that he acted like this, but I got through it and he did fine when it all came down to it, but he still did not want to see to much. I am also a labor doula, so if you would like to talk about having support for this birth, I would love to talk to you. When you mentioned having support for this birth, have you thought about hiring a doula? If you would like more information, or would like to talk, PM me and we can talk about this. I know how hard it is and how emotional you feel and would love to help in any way I can. Sometimes, if a dad is not really wanting to be there to see things etc, having a doula there is a good idea, because that leaves the dad to participate in a way that he is comfortable with and still be able to be there too ya know? The doulas are there for the dad too. If you go to my website listed below, there is an article on dads and doulas and how we help them. Take care.

S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

I imagine there are alot of dads out there who would rather not be at the birth. I also understand your being mad! I'm not sure how I would feel if my husband said that to me....I know there are some women who prefer NOT to have their husbands there. I was actually the birthing coach for my sister in laws second child. The husband, she felt, just wasn't a good coach the first time. He actually didn't even make it to the hospital in time! I suppose if your husband is absolutely not going to be there...find someone you trust to be a good coach...someone who will do the things you want/need them to do during labor. Try not to stress about it too much. I think it would be better in the longrun anyway if you had someone there that could give you 100% support, instead of getting grossed out the whole time! Take advantage now, and maybe get some extra back rubs or foot rubs out of it!! lol The most important thing is that you have a healthy baby and an uncomplicated delivery, regardless if there are 10 people there, or none. Good luck!!

Horrifying...what a lovely way to describe the birth of your child!

I think he needs to man up. I don't know if I could even be with someone like that, but that's me. My husband took 12 weeks of husband coached childbirth classes with me, did relaxation and meditation exercises with me and helped me do physical excercises to prepare me for childbirth. He held my legs while I was pushing, coached me through the labor....and I did ask him about the blood and guts part and he said there really wasn't that much. the only thing he was squeamish about was cutting the cord, but that is because I think he thinks he might screw it up somehow.

I guess every woman would like her husband to be more supportive in labor....I am getting ready to have my 2nd one in March and this time we didn't have time to take classes because we both work and didn't have anyone to watch our son in the evening. We haven't done nearly as much practicing and he isn't going to dr appts with me or anything, but I know he will still be a champ for me in the delivery room.

Personally, I would be upset too. I think birth is a beautiful experience and it is an amazing moment when life changes for good. Shouldn't the person you love the most be there during that moment? I sure think so....but I agree also that if he is going to stand there and sulk you are probably better of without him and hire a doula instead.

Does he want to be there and help you during labor? Personally, that's when I feel that you really need him, not so much the actual pushing part, although my husband was there for all of it. I just asked him yesterday actually after reading your post about it because I never had. It never occurred to me to ask if he wanted to be there, I don't think it occurred to him either to not be there. I know that he was a little uneasy when her head started coming out but then he just came next to me and held my hand so he was there but didn't have to really watch. We also had been out of town so I didn't have anyone else so if he hadn't been with me I would have been alone which would have been awful. I would try to figure out what his real issue is. Unless you really have no childcare for your son while you are giving birth I would talk to your husband and try to figure out his issues with it. I would imagine that he would regret not being there later on.

How about having him be like a 1950's dad. He can be there but be in the hallway while you give birth. I know that it may sound old fashion but that way you both get what you want to some degree. He will be there within minutes of the child being born, and you have the knowledge that he is right outside the door. Get grandma or someone to watch you other little one and enjoy the moment of this child. Your second child will have to share everything in it's life with your first child. Let it have both parents at its birth and have something of its own.

If given the choice, I would not want to be there either! But, we all have a job to do and your job was to carry for ten months and push the baby out. His job is to buck up and handle it... just like you have to. You should not have to appeal to his emotional side. This is very logical and reasonable. I told my husband that I had the hard part. All he had to do was hold my hand and tell me good job. It is alright that he does not want to be there. When I was in labor, I was wishing I was somewhere else dong something else. Being excited about the baby is the easy part... but first come the hard part. If he is a man, he will be there because he has to be, just like you do!

I don't know if this helps or not... but our 2nd baby is due in March, and my husband said that he hopes I "get to have another c-section" because it was so much easier for him. That's really what he said!

I'm hoping for a VBAC, and he's expressed feelings that he's really not looking forward to watching a normal birth.