August 03, 2010,
D.F. asks from Grand Prairie, TX on August 07, 2006
Husband Does Nothing Around House Except Sleep and Is Driving Me Nuts So!
I need help!!!! My husband does nothing around the house except sleep and eat. We have been married for almost 11 yrs and have an eight year old child. For the last four years I have worked at home to be there for our child. Before this, I worked outside the home. I took my child to and from daycare with me every day. My husband did not spend time with the child on his days off even back then. My husband works nights w/three days off per week. He does not do yard work, my child and I do it, except edging and weed eating, I can not start those darn machines. He does not do laundry, he does fill dishwasher on his nights off though, but does not empty it the next morning though. He does not have a relationship with his child and never has. He is driving me nuts around the house. Please any advise would be appreciated.
G.F. answers from Dallas on August 08, 2006
If you have talked to your husband about household duties that you want him to share in and that you are concerned about him not having a more active relationship with his child - and he has not responded - my advice to you is to seek marital councling ASAP. If your relationship continues on it's current course it is not healthy for you or your child.
A.D. answers from Dallas on August 07, 2006
I feel for you... my first and only suggestion is to get yourself into counseling... and possibly a good lawyer if you've reached your limits. That and prayer. Good luck.
N.P. answers from Detroit on August 03, 2010
i am really unhappy to hear your situation. i have been married to the same man for 36 years and thought when he was able to go first shift things would change...it never did. now my husband is retired and he does a lot of things outside the home but never with me. you need to think about what you want for both you and your child. i have (three grown) and he never even through a ball with them. my concern is that you turn out like me. until a year ago i was all so forgiving and loving..now, i am a bitter person that has spent her life alone. i see him when he comes in to eat. i have been non existant other than womanly duties. you will not change him. with my children grown i have no partner or friend in him. i am sorry to say this to you but for me anyways it has been true. i believe it is lonelier to be a married single woman than a single one.
W.C. answers from Dallas on August 07, 2006
I hate to say this, but you are not going to change him, and he isn't going to change unless he wants to. Is it possible that he is depressed for some reason? Maybe if he saw his doctor and explored that possibility and he put some effort forth into making things better. But if he doesn't, you are stuck with him the way he is I am afraid.
S.M. answers from Dallas on August 07, 2006
I just wanted to give you a little advice. My husband worked the same shift that you are describing. He worked all night with three days off and would sleep all day. This was a very difficult situation as we had two children, and he worked Wednesday through Sunday which left us no time with each other, because we had no babysitter during the weekend. The only reason that our kids even saw him, was because they are still small and not in school. My suggestion to you is that you find a time to talk to him, when your son isn't around on one of his days off. You two need to sit down and figure out if there is a way for him to go to a day shift, most employers if you explain your situation about needing time for your children will be helpful, unless you absolutely need the extra money that he is probably making for working the night shift. If he can't accomplish that then another option is to hopefully have the weekends off. His first day off when he gets home for work, he only sleeps three hours then he stays awake all day. This is difficult and it's best to let him do his own thing that day without bothering him. That way his other two days off he can be awake all day and schedule time in for you and your son. My husband used to do this. It is not easy and your husband has to be willing to try and make the effort. No matter what though I think it has to be understood that working the night shift litterally sucks the life out of someone, you too have to be understanding, I know it's hard. I too did all the housework, and yard work single handidly while staying at home and raising two children, with no help. You and your husband married for a reason and conceived a child together, you have to talk about your feelings to one another and be open, honest and understanding. At all costs he needs to try and get off the night shift. If he can't get off that shift, openly discuss solutions to create family time, if he doesn't want to get off that shift figure out why and then discuss counseling. Good Luck, I feel for you, having been there myself.
N.S. answers from New York on July 12, 2010
My wife and I have both read this and we decided that maybe he is clinically depressed. He works third shift and that can put a toll on a man's psyche. I would know this, I worked 2nd and 3rd for 2 years and I hated it. I was also over weight at one time because of it, and I had sleep apnea. Find out whats wrong and I think he needs to go to a psychologist, maybe even marriage counseling also for you both. My wife and I are starting marriage counseling soon and I have been going to a psychologist for 3 years. Anyway, good luck. I have a bog with the url: alittlehusbandadvise.blogspot.com
H.S. answers from Dallas on August 07, 2006
I don't have any good advice, but wanted to tell you that you are not alone....I've been with my husband 3 years and have his 2 children (10 yrs. old/8 yrs.) and our child(2 yrs.), so 3 children and he shows very little interest in the kids and rarely helps around the house...usually he's on the computer or watching tv and trys to find odd jobs...and work MLM businesses. I work full-time out of the house and the kids are dying for me to be with them...they need that parental attention. I don't know how you've done it for 11 years without going crazy. I've been told time and time again, you can not change your husband. The best thing to do is to get into counseling and if you can get him in, b/c somehow there is a disconnect if he is not interested in his family and the development of his child and helping out around the house...somethings not right - it's like they are rebelling or just being lazy...neither of which we (moms) need to be around!!! I've been told if he is not willing to change to leave - b/c it will not get any better. You either have to live like that or get out! Make sure your child has some other father role-model, grandfather or some other male adult as a good example of how a 'good' dad is suppose to act!!!