Husband Does Not Want to Be in Delivery Room

But what will it be like to have him there when you know he doesn't want to be there.

I know it is disappointing, but you don't want to be taking care of him at that time, you need someone to take care of you. He's not it.

You can't change him and he's telling the truth. It's disappointing for sure and I know that you want him to be strong for you, that you want to count on him. But he's not going to be that for you this time. Is he a good man in other ways? I'd let this go, and force myself to think about something good about him when I start feeling down about it.

My husband was with me but he did lose faith in me (after 40 hrs of exhausting labor, at that point 14 had been transition). He did not think I could do it any longer -- but I showed him! If I had picked up on that it would have been devestating to me. I needed his faith.

Have you sat down and talked to a doula? Maybe you'd change your mind. Maybe not, but it might be worth a shot.

Hard as it is, let your hubby have a graceful way out and constantly remind yourself about his great aspects so it doesn't carry over into the rest of your marriage. It must be hard for a man to admit he's weak like that.

I wish you a safe and peaceful birth.

6 moms found this helpful

This is a fantastic event you are anticipating. And it's unlikely to fit your ideal picture, no matter what that is, when it arrives.

As shocking as this truth is, expectations are a downer. Almost always. Expectations are a major source of disappointment, suffering, grief, misery. But we're taught otherwise, so we don't often know that. If you talk yourself into believing that this is the only way you'll have a satisfactory experience, you risk sucking out the meaning.

Expectations have changed over the last couple of decades. Fathers (and often all other family) used to be kept out of the delivery room. Women didn't feel unsupported or jilted by that lack – and I think many women who have delivered can honestly tell you they would be grateful not to have a bilious spouse to distract the doc or midwife at such an intense time. It's easy to imagine what the event will be like, but truthfully, you, your body, and your baby will be nearly your entire focus during the final minutes of birth.

Men need support in this, too. They don't deal with blood on a monthly basis like women do. Some faint when they just get a shot. Let your husband support you during the early labor, and excuse himself when it all gets too intense for him. I know only one father who was totally into his two children's births. I know several more who "supported" their wives by being present, but were traumatized to various degrees by the deliveries. One guy had nightmares for several months. Wimps, perhaps, but that was their actual experience. Not so great.

Would you rather have a nauseous, distressed man "helping" you, or a competent person trained in childbirth, enthusiastic and politive about the delivery? I know what I'd choose.

5 moms found this helpful

My husband was at the delivery for both of my children, but I have to admit he was not much support either time. He is just not a naturally compassionate person and I was too busy at the time to tell him what I needed ; ) I was glad that he was there, but honestly, I would rather have had a friend who would have held my hand and understood what I was going through.

Wanting your husband there is a great thing, but you might want to consider things honestly... What if he does go for your sake and then cannot handle it? Will it make you angry with him or make things worse for you? Hopefully once he is there, he can focus on you and not on the "other" things, but what if he cannot?

I would suggest that you both plan on having him there and you work toward that plan, but maybe ask a friend to come too or be on stand by as a back up. The birth of your child is such an amazing thing, but it is also such an emotional time that it can become overwhelming very fast... especially
when it is the first one for him.

Good luck and congratulations = )

5 moms found this helpful

Tell him that you don't want to be in the delivery room either..lol! He really will regret this. I would be so upset with my husband if he pulled this... i am sorry for you.

5 moms found this helpful

I would let him off the hook on this one and have a friend with you. He will love you all the more for it. I know it is ideal for him to be right there during delivery, but how about compromising and have him hold your hand during labor, but when it is time for delivery, let him duck out for a few minutes till it's all over.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry you have gotten some negative reactions. :( My "cousin-in-law" went through this with her husband... he has the same reaction to blood as your husband.

Here are my thoughts and what she did. It worked for them twice.

They did end up hiring a doula. For them it worked great. They met with her a few times before the babies birth, then of course she came for the delivery. I think that when you meet the right person, you will know she will work for you. Think about it, it may end up being a better option than you think. Think about the delivery room, the nurses are in there (you've never even met them before - and they can provide amazing support).

For my cousin, having a doula allowed her husband to come and go as he felt necessary (she had to have an IV due to the strep-B thing, and at one point it came out and blood went all over - he left the room till they cleaned it up). Also, she had a no-pain-meds birth. She did a water birth, and she said everything was hidden below the water and her husband really couldn't see what was going on down there. You could easily use a sheet or drape just as well.

It sounds like your husband is probably just as worried about seeing you go through the pain and wonders if he can deal with that part of labor effectively.

I really think you could rethink the doula thing. Interview a few and see what your options are. Maybe by having her in the room, giving your husband the ability to come and go and take the pressure off... then he'd be caught up in the moment and really - I can't imagine someone leaving the room when their wife was about to give birth. :)

Good luck.

J.

5 moms found this helpful

Hi S.! I am as queasy as your hubby BUT I had to put on (or take off in this case) my big girl panties and push a baby out my lady parts whether I liked it or not. :)

Compromise is the name of the game. He goes to birthing classes so he knows what to expect and sometimes ignorance is the root of fear. Once he is informed he can make a better decision and if he STILL doesn't want to be in there, he can leave during the actual pushing phase.

Labor with my first was 72 hours. If I hadn't had my hubby, I wouldn't have made it. Your husband needs to know that giving birth is sometimes very scary and doing it alone is even scarier.
Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful

I WISH my husband had felt this way! The thought of having him see me like that made me want to cry! But he insisted, and inside I was just cringing the whole time. (And he wasn't really super helpful to me, either.) But, he did not regret his decision and it doesn't seem to have changed the way he feels about me in any negative sort of way.

If this is the way you feel, then he should make an attempt to at least stand near your head. Maybe they could just throw a sheet over your knees so he doesn't have to see any blood. Does he have a trusted buddy with kids who could give him the lowdown on how this usually works? If he knows all his friends stood by their wives in their hour of need, maybe he will realize that he needs to step up.

On the other hand, if he passes out at the sight of blood, the L&D staff may have him step out of the room anyway if he starts turning green. You might do pretty well to have your mom or sister or a good friend who already has kids to plan on standing in there with you as your coach, in case your hubby passes out!

5 moms found this helpful

He already told you that he has a huge problem with the delivery and birth, so why no honor his feelings and ease up on the pressure to be there when it happens. Here is what I told my hubby some odd 17 years ago...if at any point you feel like this is too much for you just step out. If you want to come back in , come back in, if you want to stay outside the door and listen to the first cry that is ok with me too. I am a big girl, I can breath and count and push with or without you in the room. He stayed, was even there in the operating room when we needed a c-section.
Bottom line is this....as special and presious that day is there are so many more days after that where he can be from and center and be there. There are men that can't be in the room when the birth happens, such is life.

4 moms found this helpful

Does he or would he go to your doctor's appointments with you? Maybe your doc could talk to him (maybe you could give them a heads up before your visit) about what a good thing it would be to be in there and why. I too would be devastated so I can only feel for you. I hope it works out! If all else fails become a crazy, crying, hysterical pregnant lady...that always worked for me!!! ;)

4 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,

My husband did not want to go into the delivery room with me for my first child but did because I wanted him there. It was a disaster. I supported him more than he supported me. He is simply not built for it! I CHOSE a friend to go into the delivery room with me for my second birth because I knew she was excited to be there and she would make sure it was all about ME and the BABY! It was the best thing I could have done. He was happy, I was happy and there was absolutely no stress. I know how much you want him there but I can almost guarantee you that it will not be as wonderful as you want it to be....I'm so sorry!

Saying all that, it doesn't make him less a Dad or you two, less a couple. My husband takes his fathering very seriously and has stretched himself many, many, many times for me and for our girls. He just couldn't handle the delivery room...

God bless!

M.

4 moms found this helpful

He needs to speak with other fathers about this issue - they could give him some helpful insight. I would think he will deeply regret not being in the delivery room. You're right, he doesn't have to go past your shoulders, therefore, no blood or seeing everything all stretched out. Of course, my husband would retort, "Buddy, you got her that way! Deal with it!" :) I'm sorry you are not getting the support you need at this very important time in your life. I hope the two of you can come to some kind of compromise.

4 moms found this helpful

wow. that really sucks. the best ideas i can come up with would be to tour the maternity ward with him, and have the nurses talk with him about what the process is like, and the "viewing" options he has...if he is standing by your head, he wont be able to see all that much...especially if he is focused on you instead of what's going on down there. maybe look up some birth videos online (try to find one that wont disturb him too much) and have him watch them, might help him get over any issues he has with the birth process (or make them worse... depends on hubby...)

~point out that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him... even if you have more children with him, they won't be his first!

4 moms found this helpful

If you are doing a natural childbirth, tell him nothing really happens until after transition. Unless you go really quick after your water breaks, he could conceivably have many hours of just sitting in the room with you before any parts are exposed, or you are visibly in serious pain. And if you do opt for pain meds, tell him it will be even more low key than that.

Ask him to stay in the room with you until the action starts. It's a nice compromise. He might change his mind when things pick up, but it will give him an "out" and save his pride if he truly can't take the blood etc. and needs to leave.

One thing I'd want to know if I were in your shoes is what part of the delivery has him so worried. Is it really the blood, or is it the fact that he doesn't want to see you suffering and in pain. Or is he is afraid of seeing something go wrong unexpectedly with you and the baby, but is too afraid to articulate this.

My husband went through a great deal of anxiety over my last delivery. My first two deliveries were wrought with difficulty, went awry and ended in emergency c-sections. My last delivery had to be a scheduled c-section, but I went into labor before my delivery date, so once again it was an "emergency." Despite this, I had envisioned that no matter what, my DH would somehow be present to video tape the birth. Poor guy didn't want to do it...was terrified to be in the room... didn't want to tell me to my face...but he was convinced I was going to die and was horrified at the thought of getting it on tape. He just coming up with all of these stupid excuses as to why he shouldnt be in the room during delivery. He kept saying he needed to be with our son etc. though my parents were going to be with him.

Well duirng delivery time, there was absolute ER chaos because they had a short window of time to deliver the baby (so short that my anesthesia didn't take and I felt most of everything and screamed like crazy to the horror of everyone). Despite this, one of the nurses knowing we had plans to capture the birth on tape STILL shoved my cowering husband into the room and said if he didn't get shooting he was going to miss everything. He was so out of it, and scared he missed all of the cutting, but managed to get the part when they cut the cord, and cleaned the baby.

It wasn't until the next day, did he tell me of all of his fears, and how glad he was shoved in, because he would have been bummed to miss even what he did get on tape. Especially since everyone turned out okay.

After the hormones leveled and drugs which took affect after the fact wore off, I felt awful about pressuring my husband to tape everything. I had no idea how much understandable fear he had. In retrospect, I wish I had been more understanding, and had given him more opportunity to openly talk about his fears. He's kinda macho - the type that doesn't like to admit he's afraid etc. He really probably needed an outlet to talk. I should have given it to him. The only good thing about our story is everything did work out fine. But gosh, if it hadn't, who knows what state my DH would have been in?

If you have a close relative or even a friend, have them on standby anyway if you think you'll need that to get through the hard part, and he's not able to hang in there. I think having a doula is an excellent idea, whether he's there or not. The experience and calming force in the room might be just what you need if he does stay...even if for a little bit.

I know it's really important to you, but he is being honest about his feelings. He might be feeling hurt and pressured that you're not understanding where he's coming from. It can go both ways.

In the interim, if he hasn't done so already, many hospitals offer classes for dads only, to prepare them for what to expect during delivery. Maybe he'd benefit.

4 moms found this helpful

My husband was there for our first, behind my head the whole time. He rubbed my neck and held the baby but wasn't nearly as much help as his mom, my sister, and my doula (who is also a good friend). Second time, I had to have a c-section and he hates blood, surgery, etc.. So I let him stay home with our daughter until it was time to come meet the baby. Was fine with me! Remember our dads weren't allowed in the delivery room back in the day?

It doesn't mean he doesn't support you. Maybe he will be okay with being in there if you let him know it's okay to leave the room if he gets overwhelmed? Doctors say they would rather not have two patients to deal with (one delivering and one fainting) ;)

Your best help will be close relatives, friends who have done it before, and definitely a doula. You're not able to be in charge of your birth plan, etc when you're in the throes of labor. Mine saved me from a csection the first time! Ask around for recommendations, or ask local midwives who they recommend. Interview a few and find one you feel comfortable with. Have a birth plan ready to see if their beliefs and ideals match yours. You don't want one who is adamant about no drugs or interventions if you want an epidural and a 3d/4d ultrasound!

4 moms found this helpful

I actually was the one who decided I didn't want my husband to see me "down there." And he didn't. He was up by my head, holding my hand and coaching me through the breathing. Take your husband with you to the OB's office and explain that he doesn't like blood or want to see you that way. Ask her what steps can be taken so that he can be there supporting you without feeling weak or embarrassing himself. Hopefully, he will understand how important this is to you and agree to be there as long as he can work with your OB to preserve his tummy and dignity. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

S., It is so hard when men don't follow the role we expect them to. I had a baby at 20 by myself. no hubby no doula just me and a doctor and nurse. it wasn't that bad becuase i didn't have to worry about how it affected anyone else. I would if I was you ask if your mom would come in with you for the birth. Your husband could be in the room up till the point they tell you to start pushing. then out he goes. My daughter let me come in the room with her when she had her daughter. her husband was there also. he cut the cord and then moved out of the way so my daughter could hold the baby for a minute and then they passed her to me. It was a moment I will never forget. is it something your mom would do with/for you? I know you want him in but it will be horrible for you if he is there against his will and it will make you crazy. you will have enough going on that that little bit more will push you over the edge and it is something you will fight about forever. if you get him to cooperate with you and stay in for most of the labor he might just stay for it all.

3 moms found this helpful

Well he has a weak stomach and admits it.
Sure I would be bummed too.

Maybe, get some books on pregnancy... and both look at it, read it.
Some men, do get turned off with the birth process... and view the woman differently. But heck, that's life... and its a rite of passage for adults.
Other men love the birth process and find it fascinating.

My husband, was a bit scared too...but he thought I would just be like those horror women who have a split personality when giving birth and just swearing at the guy saying "look what you did to me!" As other men told him themselves, what their wives did. That was no help. It turned out that he was rather impressed with how I handled it all and the pain and HOURS of labor.

But my Husband was there, loved it, and he was our 'video' guy... and he videoed our childrens birth.

Make sure, if you want a video, that someone is there to do that for you... or that the Hospital/your Doctor even allows it. My Doc allowed videoing. Some may not.
Speak to your Doc, about your birth plans and who will/will not be allowed to be there, during and after.

Who knows, maybe your Husband may change his mind.
I think he is just scared of the whole birth process... thus, try getting some books on it.

saying he may not be attracted to you after that, well that is not helping.

all the best,
Susan

3 moms found this helpful

I know how you feel. My son's father was not really a fan of birthing classes, and he made jokes about the delivery stuff, and was grossed out by it. But in the end, he did want to be there... but he was hundreds of miles away when I went into labor, and couldn't get a flight in time... it was my sister, who is my best friend, who was there for me. She coached me through it all (even though I was yelling at her at the time, lol) and it was an amazing experience, even without my son's daddy there. He arrived the next day... I do feel that the birth experience is awesome, amazing, and you have to be there to really bond right away. But if it's the wishes of your husband not to be there, then it is a disappointment to you, but at least he is being honest. He might come around at the last minute, but I'd plan for someone else to be there, just in case. xo.

3 moms found this helpful

I completely understand your wants, but it doesn't sound like you're going to change his mind. My aunt's husband was not in the room for either of her 3 but used her neice who is close in age (had 4 children of her own) as her coach. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I'd let him know he can stand up by your head and not have to see anything. he can help lift you while you're pushing. Good luck and congrats!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Tell him too bad, get over it. You are the one doing all the work all he has to do is show up!!!! Even if he just sits off to the side, he needs to be in the room - NOT AN OPTION!!!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Not every husband is into it, and some cultures frown upon it. I worked with someone from India who thought the idea of a husband in the delivery room was the grossest thought he ever came across. When we were born (60's or so) it was still common for the husbands to be pacing in a waiting room and wait for the word on how everything turned out, is it a boy or a girl, etc. It didn't keep fathers from bonding with their kids. Good Luck.

2 moms found this helpful

my husband doesnt like blood either, but he was in the room with me. on the floor. passed out. then in a chair. turning green. it really distracted me from the fact the doctor's assistant had made a mistake during my c-section. i love teasing him about it!!

1 mom found this helpful

Okay, I tend to be a very black and white gal, so I would tell him to toughen up and be a man!! :) Also, how does he know this will gross him out, if he has never actually seen it? He may just surprise himself and do fine. I would also tell him that not being there is not an option! He's partially responsible for getting you into this and he needs to be there with you! I would think that a loving caring husband would put his weakness's asside to be there for his wife during this extremely important time, in not only your life, but his too! Lay down the guilt REALLY thick and you'll get him to be there. Good luck to you, I couldn't imagine going through this, in fact, my husband was the ONLY one I wanted in my room and all of my family lives nearby. I hope he's there for you, it's a magical experiance!!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband HATES hospitals. The smells, the sounds.. Freaks him out. Shots make him pass out.

All of our birthing classes were there and he moaned about it. But once we went to a couple of the classes, he felt better. The instructor spoke about all types of options and how exciting the whole experience is. There were other dads that expressed some fears. And also some dads who had been through the experience. I think it made my husband feel better about how it was all going to go down and the fact that it was not about him, but about what I would need to bring our baby into the world.

When we toured the birthing rooms and saw all of the options he also felt a little more comfortable. The entire time, we were getting ready for the baby, I told him if he could not handle it, I would understand. My husband did great. I ended up not needing any pain meds because he was such a great coach and was able to distract me and get me back on track.

Just let the nurses know what his worries are and they will be sensitive to him.

Maybe once you all start birthing classes he will not feel so worried.
Just in case, maybe ask a good friend or a relative to be on call in case your hubby , just cannot do it.

1 mom found this helpful

I delievered alone, and one thing I wish I had thought about was having my boyfriend on the phone for support. Is that an option for you guys? Could he just say words of support through the phone as you are delivering? Good Luck!

I ask a girlfriend I worked with. My husband said all along he wasn't going to be in the room for any of it. I felt I needed someone with me that I knew because I didn't want just hospital people. She had children and her husband was okay with her maybe leaving in the middle of the night. When the time came my husband came with us and was in and out of the room throughout the night. When the pushing started and the doctor said if he wanted to stay for now he could and at any point he could leave, he just stood on the side by the door. It made him feel better to know if he became uncomfortable he could leave. He never did and he was glad he was there.
I think people forget that awhile ago the dads weren't in the room and the babies and moms were fine, and babies bonded just fine with the dads. Men don't like to see their "Loves" in pain when there is nothing they can do to help. It will all work out fine! Best Wishes!

My cousin has four boys, the hubby was in the room for the first and fainted missed the first few hours after birth. Now with the rest he cut out of the room just prior to the final part of delivery, (easier to do with the last two c-sections) and that way he could enjoy the first moments of life instead of being passed out on the floor. Everyone said he would be fine with the first and pushed him to be in the room but alas he knew it wasn't a good idea.