Husband Does Not Want Another Child

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a no-win situation. One partner is going to end up resenting the other no matter what.

I recommend couples counseling.

I am on the other end of that. My husband wants a third and I am happy with the two that we have. I have been pregnant twice in 3 years and I am just done. We have two gorgeous little girls and I am happy with that. I think he wants to try for a little boy. As for now I say NO and I am holding firm, I honestly can't see changing my mind.

Sounds like he's pretty adamant. Do you want another child enough to be a stay at home mom? That would settle the financial part of "day care". He might be more willing if you'll meet him half way.

You need to sit down and have heart to heart with your husband and decide what you both want. I had asimiler situation but I was the one who did not want the second child. My husband and I "discussed it many times but I held fast tht I did not want more children. Then the decision was taken away from. I accidently got pregnant. While I love my son I still sometimes wonder if our lives would be better now if we hadn't had him when we did. It still causes problems in our relationship and I stll battle depression over the whole thing. It is a big decsion and you need to make sure both of you are ready for what will happen. Whatever you edo don't try to force the issue on him, it has to be a mutual descion because while I know men are diferent from women no one likes having a decision forced on them.

Since my name is also S. S and I have been going through a VERY similar situation, I had to respond to you. I have two girls and from the moment my second was born I knew I wanted to have a third. My husband and I are/were also completely on opposite sides of the fence, so I REALLY feel for you.
Let me first say that I am astounded that anyone would advise you to just get pregnant without your husbands agreement, or to separate from your husband if he doesn't change his mind. Whether your child ends up with a sibling or not, she will HUGELY benefit from having two parents who love each other enough to work through difficult situations together. (And I do feel that this has been one of the most difficlut situations my marriage has faced.) I feel VERY strongly that having a good marriage is more important than having another child (My head has thought this all along, and I think my heart is slowly catching up - if that makes sense). I, too, went through begging, arguing, crying my head off all night, being SO angry, etc. I could not understand how he could "deny" me of another child, or how he could put anything material above having another child, or how he could be so selfish! Then I started to try to consider him...what was his family like, etc. What are ALL of the reasons he feels this way? We ended up having several long and deep discussions and I learned more about him. I also went into it realizing that if I don't have another he is asking me to give up A LOT, but, on the flip side, what am I asking of him if we have another? Yes, I do think he would love it as much and not regret it, but I also don't think it is that simple. And he has learned that it is not just a simple thing for me to not have another child too. (I told him that for the rest of my life I will have a sense of loss - not quite to the extent of someone dying, but similar.) We are learning more about each other and so as hard as this is, I think we are communicating better and becoming closer.
I don't know if you are a religious/spiritual person at all, but the thing that helped me MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE was to pray for guidance...for myself and for my husband. I asked him to do the same.
One thing I came to consider that has helped me too, is when I imagine having another and feeling like it is enough, or feeling that I would then be ok being done - and then realizing that he feels that way now. I feel it is HORRIBLY unfortunate that we are not in sync, but at least it helps me to understand how/why he could possibly feel the way he does. He already REALLY feels like it is enough...enough WORK of taking care of our family, and also enough joy. He feels like he gets more joy out of being able to direct his attention more pointedly. This is much more what it is about for him, and some of the financial objections and most of the logistic arguments about who would sleep where, etc. are no longer an issue. He also says he is already too tired.
Other things I have learned about him have helped me too. And the support I get from my friends is incredible.
I do have several friends who have had multiple miscarriages, so I do my best to not take my healthy, happy children for granted.
Since I have gotten to the point of being able to not dwell on this every moment of the day, I have turned all that energy back toward my 2 girls. We have all been much happier. And I realized that if I later look back and just have memories of agonizing over a third, it would be a waste. I would rather have memories of many happy times with what I am currently blessed with.
At this point, I do not think we will end up having a third. My husband promised me that he would let me know the minute he changes his mind. I told him I would keep praying. I still have times of trouble with it, but I keep reminding myself of all I have learned. I am not saying that this road is easy, but you can both be happy and happy with each other, however the situation turns out. If God truly wants us to have another, either my husband's heart will change, or some "miracle" will occur (I have heard enough stories like "my cousin had her tubes tied and then got pregnant", etc.). I trust that the universe/God will take care of our family.
I hope that maybe somehow this helps you. Remember that all these messages (mine included) are just opinions. Only you can say what is best for you. When I think about myself, however, I truly try to consider what is best for my marriage and family as a whole (what is best for us IS what is best for me).
I sincerely wish you comfort for your heart, and guidance for you and your husband.
S. S.

I agree with another poster who says that this has to be a mutual decision.

What if your husband really, really, really wanted to move to New York City and you were adamantly opposed to the idea? Every night, he comes home and goes on and on and on about moving to New York City and never considers the changes you will have to make in your life that come with moving to a new city, making new friends, rearranging almost everything about your life. I think you'd be a little resentful if he seemed to have a one-track mind about what he wanted and did not consider his spouse's needs. How would you feel turning your world upside down to accommodate your husband's life-changing plans? How would you feel if you came home one day and he just said "Honey, pack the truck because I took a job in New York City, I sold our house and bought a new one, and there's nothing we can do about it now - just live with it!"? That's sort of like him coming home to you and you saying "Honey, I wanted another child and now we're pregnant. Your life is going to change and you have no control over it. Deal with it."

The two of you are a team and you need to make decisions together. It's not about what YOU want or what HE wants; it's about what the COUPLE wants. Sit him down and have a heart-to-heart with him where BOTH of you have the opportunity to discuss your needs and wants in this relationship. If you don't think you can do this, enlist the help of a counselor or therapist.

Hi S.,
I am so sorry you are struggling with this issue. Although I am not in the same situation, I know of a couple that was. She was previously married with 3 kids and did not want more. It was his first marriage, and he really wanted a child of his own. After much honest discussion, they were able to find out what each of their true issues were with having/ not having another child. For the woman, she did not want to deal with sleepless nights and taking care of another little one. They were able to discuss things openly and made an agreement- she would have the baby as long as he was the one responsible for it (day to day). So she had the baby, went back to work FT, and he became a stay at home dad. Neither of them gave up what they really wanted, and they were able to find middle ground. Sorry for the long story, but I hope that you and your husband can have an honest discussion about your feelings and concerns, and I hope you too can find some sort of middle ground in the end. As a previous poster mentioned, it may mean having to make some really tough decisions...

I wish you luck and guidance....
T.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it seems to me that both of you are focusing on your desires. You need to look at something outside yourselves - you can call it fate, destiny, God's will or whatever you like, but something bigger than either of you. Maybe even "what's right for the family." I had the opposite problem - five kids when I wanted to stop at three (nothing's foolproof except abstinence, you know!) but it's my experience that family is a flexible concept and many different configurations can be happy. With one child you would not have sibling rivalry issues, but you would have socialization and other only child issues. The thing that gives me pause about your story is that your husband seems so adamant about not having another one, rather than rolling with it. It suggests there is some other issue at work with him. You shouldn't fight the issue so much as find out why.

Although I am not in this situation, I can understand somewhat of what you are going through. And I do have a friend who is going through the exact same situation. She realizes that her husband is never going to change his mind and I think that she is happily beginning to realize that having one child is truly a gift. My daughter is an only due to a genetic medical condition I have that prohibits me from having anymore children. We both took the news very hard, but my husband more than me. I have really become to realize that having any child is truly a gift and there are so many wonderful things about having an only. I recommend that you read the book "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising your One and Only" by S. Newman. Although you really want more children, after reading this book you may see that having an only child has a lot of pros than it does cons. I am in the middle of reading it and after reading this book, I seriously think that if the decision were not made for me, I would have considered having one.

With that being said, I would do what my friend did and really have a heart to heart with your husband about his feelings and thoughts on not having anymore children. If he truly is adamant about not having anymore children, then I think it best that you accept that fact or else you will carry around a lot of resentment toward your husband that may destroy your marriage. I know that although mine and my friend's situations are a little different, they are the same, too, Although the decision was made for me by circumstances beyond my control, her decision was also made by circumstances that she can't control. I think we have both realized that instead of mourning the "loss" of the second child we will never have, we are grateful for the child that we do have and put all our energies into raising a well-rounded and happy only child.

Good luck to you!

There's a great book called, And Baby Makes Three, by John Gottman. It talks about the challenges couples face in the shift that happens when they have a child. Often things like money is only the surface concern. Maybe he feels like he gets less attention with one child (or did when she was younger) and does not want to risk losing more of you to the children. Ir maybe there's something else underneath. (how many children in each of your birth families?) Approach him at a good time from a place of curiosity to listen for the more. Also, get to know your own desire for a second child so you can understand what is driving it and be better able to explain that to him.

Best to you,
C. S

Your desire to have another child will not go away. Trust me, I wanted 6. I had 4. I'm happy, but I know how strong the desire for a baby is. You may want to sit him down and seriously discuss this with him. Don't do what one person said and get pregnant anyway, he will probably resent you and the children. But if he feels children are a burden, then maybe you need to seek out other options, like a separation, but after you try to save the marriage with counseling. I wish you the most luck. God Bless.

I went through something similar. I was married for 12 years. I had one daughter, I thought I did not want anymore kids until my daughter turned 8. My husband did not want anymore children, he would always say we couldn't afford it. When my daughter turned 8 I was really having a hard time thinking she would be an only child. Anyway when she was 9 I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy, I can't explain how happy I was. There is no words to describe it. My husband was not happy. My daughter and I shared our happiness together. Anyway, I was even happier to find out it was a boy. Now I had the pair so to me it was God sent. This story does not end as you may think. When my son was 14 months we got a divorce. The strain was too much. My husband moved to Florida and I was left here single with 2 children. Let me tell you that my son is now 5 and I am so happy with my 2 children. My son is a blessing. He makes me laugh every single day, he is a funny character. I always tell him he was born to make me laugh (he loves when I say that to him.) I have met a wonderful man, we have been together for 2 years but no plans of getting married. I want to concentrate on raising my children because in the beginning it was not easy. Your story just made me reminisce to that time in my life. I would not change my life if given the chance. Good luck.

I disagree with another mom who said just do it - not only is this disrespectful to your marriage, it's deceitful and is without regard or consideration. Imagine if he had a vasectomy without telling you and removed the decision without futher consideration and discussion.

The house is a separate issue. Is this something that you eventually want too? Has he talked about it with you? You mentioned it was his timeline which may mean that you want it as well, but that you'd like a child first and the house later.

These are big issues that should be discussed and worked out as a team. Perhaps you can seek counseling on ways to communicate better about what each of you wants and find a compromise that will make everyone happy.

I'm in the opposite situation. I have one, and am expecting our second in September. I don't enjoy being preg. and have told my husband that if 2 kids were it for us, I'd be fine with it. He comes from a huge family and has said that he's always wanted 4. I suggested if he wanted another, maybe we could adopt. He's not a fan. But the marriage is a partnership and even though I'd be the one to have to go through yet another tough pregnancy and delivery, I think it's a decision we have to come to together as we're building a life, a marriage and a family together. Maybe I'll end up with three, maybe not. But it's going to have to be a compromise for what is best for us and our relationship and family.

Give it some time and then discuss again. See if you can get to the bottom of why he really feels this way. You may have to accept that he really doesn't want another and then decide if you can live with that and weigh it against a future with him, and just your one child. Not an easy decision either way and I wish you the best.

Oh man, I feel for you! I have two kids, but I have always wanted 4. My husband wanted one! I basically told him we ARE having another child. He gave in very easily. But then he announced he was DONE. I kind of pushed for the third, but he never gave in. A couple of years went by, and now I REALLY want that third. He does not. It caused some fights, me not speaking to him and me crying all the time. I still want the 3rd! But I don't think tricking him would be right. I envisioned leaving him and finding someone else that would give me another kid. Ultimately I am slowly accepting the fact that we will only have 2. I have told him I will always be upset about that and never forgive him. But I realize that with only 2 kids I won't be 'miserable'...but if we have another one that he really doesn't want, the chances for him to be miserable are far greater. And I am afraid that would lead to resentment, and a possible divorce down the line. he says he does not want to go through the baby stage ever again. I suggested addopting an older child, that would be great, but he shot that idea down too! So I am heartbroken but trying to move on and not dwell on it too much, or I would still be crying ALL the time. Maybe give your husband some time to really thnk about it, change his mind. But if this is a deal breaker for you, then maybe he should know that and when faced with the possibility of losing you, he may rethink his priorities! Good luck! I really do feel for you!

There are many things that I have wanted and not gotten in life. There are many things that I still want and hope to get. Whenever I disagree with my husband on a major issue(not the small stuff, I try to let that go), I re-evaluate everything before reacting. Will this decision impact how I feel about him, both now and in the future. How do I feel about him right now, and if it`s not good, we have got to talk. If I ask him for a sitdown, it means we need to go away from everything that is personal our house, children, cars and talk, without yelling, raising voices. Each has to to let the other finish their peace and listen. If this does not resolve anything it may be time to bring in someone else to help. Are both of your life goals still the same, do you love him, do you care deeply how he feels. And does he feel the same about you? A baby is a big issue, you don`t want him to resent both you and a new child. You don`t want to resent him the rest of your life for what could have been.

Lastly you say he is 10 years older than you. How old does that make you? Is it possible to land the dream home and then have baby 2? Also is it financials or does he just not want anymore kids, even if you had all the money in the world.

Barbara

S.,

Wow. Reading your post about seeing babies and crying brings back some memories. My story:

I met Rich 10 years ago (I was 24, him 26). We got married 3 years later. From day one, we both did NOT want kids. No way, no how. The desire to have a baby finally hit me at 30 and after being married for about 3 years, I changed my mind. I told Rich and he was shocked. I understood his shock and I knew I was changing the rules in the middle of the game. I didn't nag him, we didn't fight about it. I just planted the seed in his head and I'd water on it once in awhile. I'd wander over to the baby section at the store, drop little hints about being pregnant, etc. He would just nervously laugh.

Finally, we agreed for me to go off the pill and see what happens. I got pregnant the FIRST time we had unprotected sex. Unfortunately, I miscarried. I had a D & C and we tried again as soon as we could. Again, I got pregant the first month we tried. Again, I miscarried - this time at 11/12 weeks. I was devastated and I said that was it. It was my husband who conviced me to try "one more time". We did and I have a son that will be 3 in June.

Our son was a very colicky baby and it was a HUGE amount of stress on our lives the first 6 months he was here. When he turned 1, I started having that feeling for a baby, again. I'd see pregnant women and I would LONG to be pregnant. (I loved being pregnant). I went to a baby shower and had to hold back the tears. I'd joke about it with Rich and he would say, "No way." When my son was about 15 months, I actually said the words out loud, "I want another baby." His response? - "Are you shi*ting me?!" He didn't want another one. He gave me every reason as to why we shouldn't. I listened to what he said and put value in his feelings. Then, I told him that I felt we could work through anything. We would find a way to do it. I let it go and a couple of weeks later I touched on it again and he went from "No way" to "You have to let this sink in for awhile."

We conceived my second son 2 months later and he is now 8 months. :)

I was supposed to have my tubes tied at delivery, but I had some blood clotting issuus and they couldn't do it. When I called to make the appointment to do it, I couldn't. I cried. So, I have the Mirena IUD in now. I've started feeling an inkling of the desire again, actually.

Anyway, IMHO, don't force it right now. It sounds like it has become a battle of wills at this point. Not that your desire or his objections aren't real. But (in our house at least) when an issue we are so far apart on becomes that major - neither one of us are willing to give. Once we both take a step back for a bit, we can think clearly again.

Having a child (no matter what # it is) should be something that both parents agree to. I'm sorry that I have to STRONGLY disagree with those that suggest just getting pregnant. That's simply not fair. I fear doing that could lead to a lot of resentmet towards you AND maybe the baby.

S., I really hope that you and your husband can come to agreement here. And, I hope that it results in you having another child. But, at the same time, if my DH had been that against having a second, I would have accepted it. After two losses, I saw my first son as an absolute gift. As much as I wanted baby#2, I would have been able to redirect that desire into my first son.

Good luck and keep us posted.

T.

Oh, S.. I only had one [also a girl] and let me tell you, even ONE is a gift. If you love your husband and all is well, then raise an only child. She will be blessed and so will you.

An only child is not such a terrible thing as you seem to think it is. [And say it is!] You have a chance to make her life a truly wondrous one, and that's how you should be thinking.

She will never have to endure someone taking [or breaking!] her stuff. She will [probably] have both parents to go to Teacher's conferences and such, and you won't go nuts driving umpteen kids here and there for sports.

I have known too many people who can't even have one child. Believe me, one child is a gift, even if you want more.

Grow where God plants you. And if God gives you one child, go with it and make it a rose.

I'm a grandmother, btw. My dawter has a dawter and son, and yanno what?

It's wonderful.
.

S.,
I wanted more then one child and have two, because I have a great relationship with my siblings. We rely on each other a lot. Is your husband an only child? How does he feel about his siblings? Doesn't he want that relationship for his daughter? Also a good friend of mine lost both of her grandparents in the same month, her mom was an only child and she had to handle everything. She did have help from my friend, but it was so h*** o* her mom. I hope this helps a little.

I am not going through what you are but my husband and I do not agree on the number of children. We currently have 3 children and I always envisioned 4 kids. I am not terribly upset yet because our youngest is only 18months but I have mentioned that I don't want to have that regret, that I could have had another child and we didn't simply because it didn't fit into our schedule.
Are either one of you only children? I would give him that idea, that everyone deserves a sister or brother. I couldn't imagine what it would be like without my brothers and sister. Not that there is anything wrong with only children but they do miss out on something that is very important. If you can have more children, then tell your husband your daughter deserves to have that part of her life.
Resentment can come out later in life and be pretty ugly and disturbing. It would be sad if things turned ugly because he didn't discuss with you beforehand that he only wanted one child.
Good luck!

My husband and I are 10 years apart also. He came into the marriage w/a child from a previous relationship. After 2 he said he was too old for any more kids and I was devastated also. However, he didnt go get a vasectomy and I didnt take any birth control, so when #3 came along and then #4, he was upset at first but he spoils them 2 worse than the oldest! It may not be worth the risk if you're not sure how your husband will react but will this be a point of resentment with you forever if you let him have it his way?

I am not posting with advice on how to deal with this but reassurance that you are not alone. My husband grew up with only one sister and he does not want to have more than 2 kids. I would like to at least be open to having more. He shuts the door on it every time which upsets me greatly. I also think that you guys came into the marriage with certain expectations and he has changed since then. Yes, we all change. I just don't fault either of you for where you stand- now is when you both have to make the choice, do you want to try for more or do you want to accept his way- either way it is going to force one of you to change sides. I can definately see huge marital tension and the anger you would feel. Yes I agree that one child is a gift- but that is not what we are talking about really. We are talking about the fact that in a marriage sometimes someone can put up a stop to your dreams. I don't know how far you are in the discussions but if you feel like you can not get resolution, maybe a marriage counselor would help???? Good luck- I fear this conversation with my husband.

I don't know what to say. It's not an easy question to answer nor an easy answer to question.

My father remarried later in his years and married a woman much younger and she hadn't been married or had children. My sister and I spoke to him and let him know that it wasn't fair to her to marry her and deny her a child. They had the first one 2 years after, and it took her another 6 years to convince him to have another. My dad is now a father of an 8 year old and a 14 year old at the age of 61. His wife is 43.

It's possible to change minds, but I (we) don't know your situation or your husbands personality. I hope that he changes his mind and has another child with you.

There are plenty of older parents/blended families out there.

S.-

I am so sorry! I hear the pain in your voice and it just breaks my heart. While I haven't gone through this, I can only encourage you to follow your heart. This is, unfortunately, an issue that can be quite significant in relationships and will NEVER go away if you feel like you have no choice in the matter.

Your husband has many valid points but by not giving you a choice in his decision, he is drawing a line in your relationship. In a perfect world, you could share with him your true passion and what you want in your life and he would see how important it was to you and agree to have another baby because he wants you to be happy. But, this isn't a "toy" that you want and so it is important that you both come to a decision that you can both live with.

Believe it or not, my grandmother went through this. She had gotten married at a young age and never talked with her husband about children. She just assumed that he would want them. Soon after the marriage, she realized that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with children. This staunch refusal and her desire was the breaking point in their marriage. While it was difficult, she did the right thing (in my eyes), she didn't stay in the relationship and let the resentment build and she was able to fufill her true desires of having children.

I shared this story with you because you are not alone. Even as far back as 80 plus years ago, women have been in this situation. My .02 is that while you guys should have talked about this before marriage, you didn't and so now you have to really decide what is important to you and try to see if you and your husband can come to terms that will make everyone happy. Having children is a blessing and you don't have very long to decide (especially if it took you awhile to get pregnant) and you certainly can't change your heart.

I wish you and your husband the best as you go through this process.

N.

I would point out to him that he is putting a house before another precious life. He's dooming his daughter to a life alone with no siblings. And remind him that the love he feels for that little girl is so wonderful and what a joy to have another.

And why do you put your children in daycare? Besides by the time the next baby is born, your daughter would be just about ready for kindergarten. You would still only be paying for one in daycare.

He is definitely being the selfish one if he thinks his daughter would benefit more from a big fancy house over another sibling. Or if he thinks his life would be more satisfying in a big house as opposed to being the father of another beautiful child. He really has his priorities mixed up and needs to re-think what brings him joy in this life.

Beautiful children
A happy wife and mother
family life
laughter from children

My husband didn't want to have kids at all when we got married. I changed my mind about two or three years into it and I begged and begged. The year he changed his mind my dad was dying and he saw me and my two brothers rally around him and my mother. He saw his sister give birth to the first grandchild in the family. He saw how much joy his own parents got from their seven kids and the prospects of many grandchildren. He changed his mind. I had my first at 35, then the second at 37 and now I'm 40 due in three weeks with our third. We will have two beautiful girls and a boy. We can't afford to put curtains on the windows, or buy the best clothes, or buy a new car...but both of us are so happy with our life it makes us cry to think we almost didn't have children. We are both so excited about a new baby in the house. Our two girls are coming out of their skin. Our home is so full of laughter and love we could care less about the things we don't have.

Neither of us would have it any other way. Our only regret is that we waited so long to have kids. If I wasn't already 40 we might just have around six. This will probably be our last and we are soaking up and savoring every moment. We thank God everyday for our children. We are trying to enjoy every precious moment. They are the best things that ever happened to either of us.

I think your husband needs to get his priorities straight. Get his head out of his butt (pardon me for being so blunt) and realize what is REALLY important in this life.

I'm sure that nearly everyone will disagree with my approach, but it's how I'd handle it.

Just do it anyway. I can't believe that once that second child is born, that he would treat him or her any differently than your first child. Probably not the right approach for most people, but if that was my only conflict with my husband, and everything else was great, I'd put my foot down on it. Since I don't really know the dynamics of your relationship, I can't really guess how it would work for you, but I know that if my hubby tried to stop me at one child, it would be laughable.

Best of luck to you - I hope he sees how important this is to you.

I'm sorry, I have not been through this, but I understand your desire to have more than one child and wanted to respond. When your husband says he thinks you are the one being selfish -- he is wrong. Actually, having a child is the most unselfish thing you could do since as a parent you are constantly having to give of yourself to your child/children. Now, aside from my two cents on your husband's view of selfishness, this is what I think you should probably do -- lay out all the facts to him as to why you want another child. (ie: it is important for your daughter to have a sibling; it will shape who she is in a good way; teach her how to share and that she's not the center of the universe; she will have a built in playmate, confidant, friend for life; that you value your relationships with your siblings (if this is the case) and want the same for your daughter) These are just a few examples -- I'm sure you could put together a list a mile long. If this does not work and he refuses to hear you out, you should probably go to counseling to help you both sort this out. I hope you hear from other moms with a similar experience to yours to help you with this. Good Luck.

I am going through the exact same thing. At 33 and with a 3 year old, I feel resentful of my husband that he does not want any more children. He says he's worried about the financial side, that he does not want to lower his standard of living, but I am sure this will not happen. I cry my eyes out every day but he is adamant. Did your husband change his mind?? I pray mine does, but am feeling very depressed knowing he won't.