27 answers

Husband Does Not Want Another Child

Just wondering if anyone else has gone this or is going through this right now. When my husband and I got married, we just said we would have children. Numbers were really never discussed. My husband is about ten years older than me so we knew we wanted to start a family pretty soon after the wedding. well it took almost two years to get pregnant but she is just the joy of both my husband and I's life. He is a wonderful father and loves her very very much. I want a second child very badly right now. He has recently decided that no he does not want another child. We have a beautiful home- on the small end- but still a beautiful home. He wants to move and buy a much larger home within the next few years. He feels that another child will throw a monkey wrench into the plans. How can we afford daycare for two, etc etc. I have come up with several financial options but he finds flaws in all of them. I feel so angry- I did not get married thinking I would have an only child. It is all I am thinking about lately. I look at newborns and cry thinking I may never have that again. At this point, he has flat out said no. This has created a huge source of marital tension for us on many levels. He thinks I am being selfish. I think he is being selfish because the timeline for the house is his timeline not mine. I am not willing to accept that I will only have one child. I always envisioned a little family. It is killing me to think that I may not have a choice in the matter. I just feel so sad. Has anyone else gone through this? Did your husband change his mind? If so,how? Thank you.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a no-win situation. One partner is going to end up resenting the other no matter what.

I recommend couples counseling.

1 mom found this helpful

I am on the other end of that. My husband wants a third and I am happy with the two that we have. I have been pregnant twice in 3 years and I am just done. We have two gorgeous little girls and I am happy with that. I think he wants to try for a little boy. As for now I say NO and I am holding firm, I honestly can't see changing my mind.

Sounds like he's pretty adamant. Do you want another child enough to be a stay at home mom? That would settle the financial part of "day care". He might be more willing if you'll meet him half way.

More Answers

You need to sit down and have heart to heart with your husband and decide what you both want. I had asimiler situation but I was the one who did not want the second child. My husband and I "discussed it many times but I held fast tht I did not want more children. Then the decision was taken away from. I accidently got pregnant. While I love my son I still sometimes wonder if our lives would be better now if we hadn't had him when we did. It still causes problems in our relationship and I stll battle depression over the whole thing. It is a big decsion and you need to make sure both of you are ready for what will happen. Whatever you edo don't try to force the issue on him, it has to be a mutual descion because while I know men are diferent from women no one likes having a decision forced on them.

2 moms found this helpful

Although I am not in this situation, I can understand somewhat of what you are going through. And I do have a friend who is going through the exact same situation. She realizes that her husband is never going to change his mind and I think that she is happily beginning to realize that having one child is truly a gift. My daughter is an only due to a genetic medical condition I have that prohibits me from having anymore children. We both took the news very hard, but my husband more than me. I have really become to realize that having any child is truly a gift and there are so many wonderful things about having an only. I recommend that you read the book "Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising your One and Only" by S. Newman. Although you really want more children, after reading this book you may see that having an only child has a lot of pros than it does cons. I am in the middle of reading it and after reading this book, I seriously think that if the decision were not made for me, I would have considered having one.

With that being said, I would do what my friend did and really have a heart to heart with your husband about his feelings and thoughts on not having anymore children. If he truly is adamant about not having anymore children, then I think it best that you accept that fact or else you will carry around a lot of resentment toward your husband that may destroy your marriage. I know that although mine and my friend's situations are a little different, they are the same, too, Although the decision was made for me by circumstances beyond my control, her decision was also made by circumstances that she can't control. I think we have both realized that instead of mourning the "loss" of the second child we will never have, we are grateful for the child that we do have and put all our energies into raising a well-rounded and happy only child.

Good luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Since my name is also S. S and I have been going through a VERY similar situation, I had to respond to you. I have two girls and from the moment my second was born I knew I wanted to have a third. My husband and I are/were also completely on opposite sides of the fence, so I REALLY feel for you.
Let me first say that I am astounded that anyone would advise you to just get pregnant without your husbands agreement, or to separate from your husband if he doesn't change his mind. Whether your child ends up with a sibling or not, she will HUGELY benefit from having two parents who love each other enough to work through difficult situations together. (And I do feel that this has been one of the most difficlut situations my marriage has faced.) I feel VERY strongly that having a good marriage is more important than having another child (My head has thought this all along, and I think my heart is slowly catching up - if that makes sense). I, too, went through begging, arguing, crying my head off all night, being SO angry, etc. I could not understand how he could "deny" me of another child, or how he could put anything material above having another child, or how he could be so selfish! Then I started to try to consider him...what was his family like, etc. What are ALL of the reasons he feels this way? We ended up having several long and deep discussions and I learned more about him. I also went into it realizing that if I don't have another he is asking me to give up A LOT, but, on the flip side, what am I asking of him if we have another? Yes, I do think he would love it as much and not regret it, but I also don't think it is that simple. And he has learned that it is not just a simple thing for me to not have another child too. (I told him that for the rest of my life I will have a sense of loss - not quite to the extent of someone dying, but similar.) We are learning more about each other and so as hard as this is, I think we are communicating better and becoming closer.
I don't know if you are a religious/spiritual person at all, but the thing that helped me MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE was to pray for guidance...for myself and for my husband. I asked him to do the same.
One thing I came to consider that has helped me too, is when I imagine having another and feeling like it is enough, or feeling that I would then be ok being done - and then realizing that he feels that way now. I feel it is HORRIBLY unfortunate that we are not in sync, but at least it helps me to understand how/why he could possibly feel the way he does. He already REALLY feels like it is enough...enough WORK of taking care of our family, and also enough joy. He feels like he gets more joy out of being able to direct his attention more pointedly. This is much more what it is about for him, and some of the financial objections and most of the logistic arguments about who would sleep where, etc. are no longer an issue. He also says he is already too tired.
Other things I have learned about him have helped me too. And the support I get from my friends is incredible.
I do have several friends who have had multiple miscarriages, so I do my best to not take my healthy, happy children for granted.
Since I have gotten to the point of being able to not dwell on this every moment of the day, I have turned all that energy back toward my 2 girls. We have all been much happier. And I realized that if I later look back and just have memories of agonizing over a third, it would be a waste. I would rather have memories of many happy times with what I am currently blessed with.
At this point, I do not think we will end up having a third. My husband promised me that he would let me know the minute he changes his mind. I told him I would keep praying. I still have times of trouble with it, but I keep reminding myself of all I have learned. I am not saying that this road is easy, but you can both be happy and happy with each other, however the situation turns out. If God truly wants us to have another, either my husband's heart will change, or some "miracle" will occur (I have heard enough stories like "my cousin had her tubes tied and then got pregnant", etc.). I trust that the universe/God will take care of our family.
I hope that maybe somehow this helps you. Remember that all these messages (mine included) are just opinions. Only you can say what is best for you. When I think about myself, however, I truly try to consider what is best for my marriage and family as a whole (what is best for us IS what is best for me).
I sincerely wish you comfort for your heart, and guidance for you and your husband.
S. S.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S.,
I am so sorry you are struggling with this issue. Although I am not in the same situation, I know of a couple that was. She was previously married with 3 kids and did not want more. It was his first marriage, and he really wanted a child of his own. After much honest discussion, they were able to find out what each of their true issues were with having/ not having another child. For the woman, she did not want to deal with sleepless nights and taking care of another little one. They were able to discuss things openly and made an agreement- she would have the baby as long as he was the one responsible for it (day to day). So she had the baby, went back to work FT, and he became a stay at home dad. Neither of them gave up what they really wanted, and they were able to find middle ground. Sorry for the long story, but I hope that you and your husband can have an honest discussion about your feelings and concerns, and I hope you too can find some sort of middle ground in the end. As a previous poster mentioned, it may mean having to make some really tough decisions...

I wish you luck and guidance....
T.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with another poster who says that this has to be a mutual decision.

What if your husband really, really, really wanted to move to New York City and you were adamantly opposed to the idea? Every night, he comes home and goes on and on and on about moving to New York City and never considers the changes you will have to make in your life that come with moving to a new city, making new friends, rearranging almost everything about your life. I think you'd be a little resentful if he seemed to have a one-track mind about what he wanted and did not consider his spouse's needs. How would you feel turning your world upside down to accommodate your husband's life-changing plans? How would you feel if you came home one day and he just said "Honey, pack the truck because I took a job in New York City, I sold our house and bought a new one, and there's nothing we can do about it now - just live with it!"? That's sort of like him coming home to you and you saying "Honey, I wanted another child and now we're pregnant. Your life is going to change and you have no control over it. Deal with it."

The two of you are a team and you need to make decisions together. It's not about what YOU want or what HE wants; it's about what the COUPLE wants. Sit him down and have a heart-to-heart with him where BOTH of you have the opportunity to discuss your needs and wants in this relationship. If you don't think you can do this, enlist the help of a counselor or therapist.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry you are going through this, but it seems to me that both of you are focusing on your desires. You need to look at something outside yourselves - you can call it fate, destiny, God's will or whatever you like, but something bigger than either of you. Maybe even "what's right for the family." I had the opposite problem - five kids when I wanted to stop at three (nothing's foolproof except abstinence, you know!) but it's my experience that family is a flexible concept and many different configurations can be happy. With one child you would not have sibling rivalry issues, but you would have socialization and other only child issues. The thing that gives me pause about your story is that your husband seems so adamant about not having another one, rather than rolling with it. It suggests there is some other issue at work with him. You shouldn't fight the issue so much as find out why.

1 mom found this helpful

There's a great book called, And Baby Makes Three, by John Gottman. It talks about the challenges couples face in the shift that happens when they have a child. Often things like money is only the surface concern. Maybe he feels like he gets less attention with one child (or did when she was younger) and does not want to risk losing more of you to the children. Ir maybe there's something else underneath. (how many children in each of your birth families?) Approach him at a good time from a place of curiosity to listen for the more. Also, get to know your own desire for a second child so you can understand what is driving it and be better able to explain that to him.

Best to you,
C. S

1 mom found this helpful

I disagree with another mom who said just do it - not only is this disrespectful to your marriage, it's deceitful and is without regard or consideration. Imagine if he had a vasectomy without telling you and removed the decision without futher consideration and discussion.

The house is a separate issue. Is this something that you eventually want too? Has he talked about it with you? You mentioned it was his timeline which may mean that you want it as well, but that you'd like a child first and the house later.

These are big issues that should be discussed and worked out as a team. Perhaps you can seek counseling on ways to communicate better about what each of you wants and find a compromise that will make everyone happy.

I'm in the opposite situation. I have one, and am expecting our second in September. I don't enjoy being preg. and have told my husband that if 2 kids were it for us, I'd be fine with it. He comes from a huge family and has said that he's always wanted 4. I suggested if he wanted another, maybe we could adopt. He's not a fan. But the marriage is a partnership and even though I'd be the one to have to go through yet another tough pregnancy and delivery, I think it's a decision we have to come to together as we're building a life, a marriage and a family together. Maybe I'll end up with three, maybe not. But it's going to have to be a compromise for what is best for us and our relationship and family.

Give it some time and then discuss again. See if you can get to the bottom of why he really feels this way. You may have to accept that he really doesn't want another and then decide if you can live with that and weigh it against a future with him, and just your one child. Not an easy decision either way and I wish you the best.

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