36 answers

Husband Didn't Do Anything for My Birthday!!

Hi Ladies...

Yesterday was my birthday and my husband didn't do anything for me. We did go out to dinner but we were planning on going out to dinner this week anyway (he gets giftcards to restraunts from work all the time,as a bonus,it is hardly special anymore,and its always the same resteraunt too!)This weekend he said he would talk to my sister on her birthday about babysitting the kids, so we could go out to dinner. The 1st is my sister's b-day, we went over and ate dinner(which her husband made for her) with them, I made her a cake, bought her a gift...and we hung out. After we left I asked if he talked to my sis about watching the kids...he didn't...said he would the next day. Yesterday he gets up and goes to work like normal, doesn't say what time he'll be home to pick me up or anything. At @ 6pm he calls and the first thing he says is "Did you get our babysitting worked out?" Like it was my responsibility to do so? I did get it worked out earlier because I think it is so rude to not give notice...even if it is just my sister (but he didnt know that). We went out to dinner. That was it. No present. No cake. Nothing. He did tell me "Happy birthday" in the morning as he was walking out the door, which only promted my 2 boys to question me all day about when we were doing presents and cake?.---He doesnt care about his birthdays, and I think he has just stopped caring about mine as well. I feel like a baby because I wanted him to do something for me but am also depressed because my mom says eventually your birthdays become "no big deal"...and I wasn't ready for that day to be here already.

Is it too much to ask that he put some energy/effort or thought into my birthday?

On the bright side...all I wanted this year was a jug to make sun tea in and a pair of black thongs...and thanks to my mom and my sister I did get everything I wanted plus a gift card to the bookstore (thank you mom)...score!

K.

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Hi K.!
Hey, So my man does the same thing, sometimes he makes birthdays/mothers day/anniversaries special and sometimes he doesn't. I've finally discovered that that is not his way of showing love. He does that in other ways. The point is I know he loves me, so I just make his birthday's and other holiday's special for him and hope he catches on. And Then I'll tell him what I want to do for my birthday like, I want to go to the coast for the weekend, or I want to go shopping, whatever, he usually is delighted to give me what I want! I decided when I got married to enjoy the thoughtful, loving things he does on his own and not to get irritated about the things he doesn't do or say. So anyway, I hope I helped you feel better knowing that you're not alone! :)

K.,
About 8 years ago I was working full time and my (now ex)husband decided to do something for my birthday. He called my mom, and when I got home my mom was "Making my birthday" while he walked around the house with his new guitar slung on his back, acting like a bard! He hadn't even gone to the store to get milk for the kids. When he was leaving for the store later (to get beer) my mom reminded him to get milk.
That was not a good birthday, I would much rather have had it forgotten.
All that matters to me now, it that someone remembers. My kids give me hugs and cards, and they are old enough now (15 & 12) that they cook me something nice. I would rather have it that way than any other!
Happy Birthday, from a mom who understands!

More Answers

Hi K.
Well Happy belated Birthday! Well i can say honestly i know how you feel and I have only been married for 3 years. Birthdays and holidays just are not a big deal in my husbands family. You know what helps me though is I do something for myself like get a pedicure or buy something you wanted or just do something for you. I mean we women well most of us really want them to notice us and do something for us, but the truth is they seem to sorta forget us sometimes. My friend once said it is like when you get married the wives become like a deer on the wall. The men have there prize and hope to keep it, but do not know how to take care of it. Did you talk to him about the way you felt? Anyway I hope life looks up for you.
Sincerely
B.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you need to talk to your husband. Birthdays at our house are really no big deal either. The one thing I make a point to tell my husband is that I expect a cake for my Bday. I remind him every year. I don't care about presents; if he gets one it is a bonus. But if you don't tell him what you want or expect, it really isn't fair to get upset that he didn't meet your expectations.

2 moms found this helpful

Let me ask you a question (that you just have to answer to yourself) first. Does he do other nice things for you? Such as making sure the oil is changed or does he make sure to tell you that you look nice? My point is, you guys may speak different love languages (just meaning you show your love in different fashions). Here is a quick blurb on it: http://marriage.about.com/cs/communicationkeys/a/lovelang...

I know you want him to automatically know how important your birthday is to you, but even after 14 years of marriage, he can't do it. He won't ever be able to do it. He's a separate person. Right now you're rolling your eyes thinking, "duh, stranger on the internet." But this is a classic issue in marriage. When somebody says it outright, it sounds like common sense, but when we take a look at our behavior, it's something we unconsciously expect quite a bit.

My only point is - birthdays aren't important to your husband. If you want it to be special, you have to tell him that you want something special.

Lastly, and this is a stereotype, but I really believe it. Men can't really multi-task like women can. They kind of have tunnel vision - especially when it comes to being at work.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. I hope you don't feel that I'm telling you you're wrong. Because you're not. They are your feelings. I'm just trying to help you in the future so you're not sad about it each year.

2 moms found this helpful

Wow K. your letter could've been written by me years ago. I spent a lot of time focusing on what I didn't get from my husband and what he didn't do that I thought he should've done. I have hurt a LOT over all the 'nothing' birthdays and anniversaries. I focused a LOT on everything I felt was missing from our relationship and blamed him for all of it. A little over five or six years ago I'd made up my mind, after being married for over twenty years, that as soon as the time was right I was going to divorce him and go find someone who would treat me better. Someone who would be the 'perfect man and who would do all the things I thought were so important for me to be happy. But something happened and to be honest I couldn't tell you how it happened but it did. I decided to stop focusing on what I wasn't getting from the relationship and start focusing on the things he did get right. Like a miracle things changed and without me saying a word or doing a thing he started to do some of the things I thought I was missing. Suffice it to say that today I have absolutely no intention of leaving and I wouldn't trade him, even with all of his faults, for any other man on earth. You see when you change the way you choose to look at things the things you look at change. Call it new age mumbo jumbo if you like but it really works...I am living proof.

Perception is everything and things are truly only as important as 'WE' decide they are. I've found in the grand scheme of things some things are just simply not important enough to be upset about or angry about for more than a minute or two. If his birthday isn't important to him there's a very good chance that no one else's is either even if that someone else feels it's important. In a marriage (I've been married 30 years this December) it's a very good thing to try to see things from the other persons perspective before deciding what we think they are thinking or what we think their motive is or whether or not we think/believe they are being inconsiderate or insensitive on purpose or because they don't care about us or love us. I'd venture to guess that all in all he's a pretty good guy who treats you pretty good and maybe all it might take to make things better is to focus on more than what he's done wrong.

Try it...it works.

As a dear friend of mine so wisely says, "What's it gonna matter in a hundred years?" When you think about one birthday in a hundred years it's really not that important.

In the end it is entirely up to you how hurt to be over this and how long to feel hurt or angry. It's all up to you...

2 moms found this helpful

Hi K.!
My husband forgot my birthday ONCE and he will never again! LOL laughing but not kidding! ;) My husband KNOWS that I love holidays and celebrate all of them the two most important ones being MY BIRTHDAY and CHRISTMAS! The way my husband knows is I told him straight out the first time he forgot. I also start reminding him in subtle ways a couple weeks ahead of time. My husband is constantly reminding me that men are not mind readers, if you want them to know something tell them straight out don't beat about the bush. So in your case I would have said (a week in adavance...Honey what are you planning for my birthday next (fill in the date), I KNOW you are gonna take care of ALL the details so I can relax on my birtday, because you are such a good husband...kisses hugs laughter) It took me a while to be able to do this, feeling like I was a nagging wife. But low and behold it works! :-)
My husband is like yours he doesn't care about Birthdays and that is fine but I let him know straight out that I do and he better not forget it and I don't let him! hee hee in a loving way of course. If you expect presents on any holiday - TELL HIM! Remind him the holiday is coming and let him know what you want. Also, I remind my husband the weekend before any such holiday that he needs to take our son out or work with him on a gift he would like to give me for the holiday.
As for those people who say as you get olders birthdays are no big deal...baa humbug! I for one am always happy to celebrate the day anyone was born because I am so happy that they were born and are a part of my life! I do respect when people don't want any big to do but I always remember them with at least a call or a card...everyone wants to know that someone is thinking of them on thier birthday!

and....a belated Happy Birthday to YOU! :)

A.

2 moms found this helpful

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. This year he forgot my birthday. I was sad at first, but by 6 pm on the day of my birthday I decided to "turn it around". When discussing what he wanted to do for dinner (when it became obvious that he forgot it was my birthday), I decided we would go to Red Robin and celebrate my birthday. We had a lot of fun! If your husband isn't planning your birthday the way you want, my recommendation is to either do something special for yourself or plan it yourself with your kids (i.e. bake a special cake together). Happy Birthday!

1 mom found this helpful

Today is my birthday. My husband worked late and finally muttered "happy birthday" as we were crawling into bed. I don't think he even remembered it was my birthday until he saw the cards that family had sent. That sounds horrible, but he is a wonderful father and husband and we have a great marriage. I don't expect him to make a big deal out of my birthday, but if I did want him to then I would need to tell him that I wanted him to make a big deal out of my birthday and then he would try his best to do it. Some men just need us to really spell out our expectations very clearly. They want to make us happy, they just need to know what we want.

1 mom found this helpful

You have a right to be sad and angry, but it won't help at all. Instead I think I would have my own birthday celebration. Order a birthday cake, some fake champagne and get some ice cream. Decorate the house and celebrate with the kids. If you have left overs or the decorations are still up when your husband comes home, so be it. Tell him you celebrated you birthday.

Do it again next year, but plan ahead and take the kids and yourself out all dressed up. You can invite him along if you want.

My mother always says if you plan something for the family and wait for your husband to show he will always be late, but if you just start on time regardless of if he is there he will show up on time. I think this is one of those examples.

Happy Birthday and many more. W.

1 mom found this helpful

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