October 15, 2012,
M.C. asks from Escalante, UT on October 08, 2012
Husband Burnt Out
A few days before my wedding my husband crushed my lifelong dream of wanting to foster children, saying he didn't think he could do that after all. I was crushed. So we have nearly 5 biological kids now and he did later say we could adopt, so I figured if we adopted at least one, that would be such a joy. He says he's burnt out, tired all the time, grumpy, hating the commute, not able to keep up with the kids. I have morning sickness and he says I'm laying around like a potato, and he's burnt out from giving baths and doing all the dishes. (I am just so sick but I figured it's very temporary and I'm almost past the 3 month mark). He complains all the time and resents me being on the couch. I try to get up and I throw up.
So, how do I learn to be happy with just the 5 kids? And how do I deal with such a grumpy man who (even if we only ever have the 5) is still going to be burnt out? We can't move. His job is where it is and our house/schools are where they are. He can't ever get enough sleep unless he goes to bed by 8pm each night (and he sometimes does).
I'm kind of a high energy person (once I'm not pregnant) and envisioned raising children from lots of backgrounds. I would love that life! So this is very hard. He's so burnt out already (we're in our 30's) and I'm not at all. I am not doing his commute or job, true, but I am working a LOT with raising the kids and trying to manage everything. I enjoy that!
So What Happened?™
I'm surprised how harsh. I'm simply asking the age old question of the wife wants more kids but husband doesn't. Whether a person has 1 and wants more or 5 and wants more, the question is how do you find peace with being done when you're not really wanting to be done? Our kids are very blessed and have every opportunity in life (including college someday). The 6th would be an orphan, adopted. I don't see how that's selfish. It's just something I always wanted to do. And, I've been on the couch a lot for 2 weeks. That's how long the brunt of the sickness lasted for my last one. I normally never sit down, am active, busy all day long cleaning and attending to the kids.
K.M. answers from Kansas City on October 08, 2012
I think it's easy to say how many kids we want until we actually start having them! He may have initially agreed to five or six and foster kids, but now that he has 4 (with one on the way), it seems like he's hit his limit. I don't think there is anything wrong with how either of you are feeling. But, like other moms said, marriage is a partnership. And, there needs to be a lot of compromise.
8 moms found this helpful
T.N. answers from Albany on October 08, 2012
I'm sorry, I normally try to be very careful answering posts from pregnant women. I remember every little thing being Over The Top while pregnant. But since you're ALWAYS pregnant, I feel forced.
I can hardly wait for your NEXT post.
"Husband went out for diapers and never came back!"
Nobody here will be surprised.
Marriage is a union, a partnership, and you are bullying your partner. You need to put down your own needs and tend to what HE needs, if only for 5 minutes.
You think it's rough NOW, wait til you're a SINGLE M. with a half dozen kids.
Geez, and how often am *I* sympathetic to The Man?
36 moms found this helpful
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M.R. answers from Seattle on October 08, 2012
I am dismayed after reading your 'rant'. It tells me that you don't really respect where your husband is right now. That only what you want is important.
I cannot even imagine asking a man to bring more children under his care when he is feeling this tired and burned out as you put it.
I would never pressure my husband for more children if he was doing as much as you already describe. He's exhausted and stressed Mom. Why are you wanting more and more from him?
I'm sorry that your dream of running a foster day care is not happening right now. The God's honest truth is that you yourself can't keep up with the 5 kids you already have, if you're this sick during pregnancy.
Honestly, I am quite shocked by this self-centered attitude in your marriage. No couple should have children unless both are on board. IMHO a "no' to more children trumps the person wanting another. Because down the line the person not on board will become resentful towards the situation and added responsibility.
If you truly desire to have more kids, I think you should let the family number rest for awhile at 5. Give him the break he is asking for and well deserves. He might come around and he might not. And you my dear need to respect the fact that he is already the sole bread winner for the 5 that you have brought into this world.
Few posts shock me as much as this. Because I will spend the next several days of my life feeling sorry for your husband, who sounds like a hard working, respectable family man with a grumpy wife who is unhappy with her poor lot in life with just 5 kids. Wow....who is the real grump here?
32 moms found this helpful
V.P. answers from Columbus on October 08, 2012
I have to wonder what is driving your need for children. Perhaps you should channel your energies into running a daycare or teaching -- once you've raised your own, that is. I can't help but feel sorry for your husband. And if I were one of your kids, it'd be a true blow to my ego that my siblings and I weren't enough for you.
ETA: to Patricia -- tired all the time isn't normal?? thyroid?? Seriously, the man is working to support 5 kids, has a pregnant wife who isn't up to doing what she needs to to keep the house up, has a big commute and a wife who is dissatisfied with him not giving enough. I'd say that's enough to exhaust any man or woman. He doesn't need a physical -- he needs a break and some support and understanding from his family!
29 moms found this helpful
S.T. answers from Washington DC on October 08, 2012
'just the 5'?
well, you're doing work you love, which is awesome. he's not, which sucks. i certainly think his burn-out needs to be taken into consideration. any mow who wrote in here up to her eyebrows with that degree of exhaustion would get a lot of support.
you've got 5 kids to raise. you can volunteer and mentor. you can get a job working with kids. there are lots of ways to redirect your desire for more children into something that will sort of scratch that itch.
your husband may have given up some dreams to support the one you're living. you may have to accommodate him a little too.
26 moms found this helpful
☆.A. answers from Pittsburgh on October 08, 2012
Well, I suppose you could do one of two things with your high energy:
1. Pour that energy into your 5 children, home and husband, making the best life possible for you and them
2. Use it to badger your husband into something he is clearly against.
He's been pretty clear he's over the baby making part. Respect that!
24 moms found this helpful
S.M. answers from Dallas on October 08, 2012
I wasn't going to answer - but I can't help myself. I don't understand why you don't see how lucky you are. You have 4 kids and one more on the way, you don't have to work, your husband helps around the house and with the kids - that isn't enough for you?? I would give anything to have those things. My husband and I both work full time, we only have 2 kids and we barely get by financially. It took us 5 YEARS to get pregnant with our second child and that is the last one we will be able to have. You should thank your lucky stars for what you have instead of griping about what you don't have.
24 moms found this helpful
J.W. answers from St. Louis on October 08, 2012
Do you hear yourself? It would seem your husband is the only one with the good sense to say enough.
Just the five kids? I laughed out loud on that one!! I had four, people think I am nuts. I am pretty sure you can get someone committed saying just the five!
I get you want a lot of kids but if you have to rely so heavily on your husband clearly you can't handle a lot of kids.
I don't know what exactly you expect us to say. I am actually shocked he let you get pregnant again. He doesn't enjoy the extra work you are pushing on him, perhaps you need to start considering his feelings because it is pretty obvious that to this point you haven't.
And everything Mum4ever said! I want to find your husband and give him a spa weekend. Posts don't normally effect me that much!
You really don't get you were not asking the age old question because he stated before you married this was not the life he wanted. Somehow you got him on board for five kids but instead of being grateful for the five additions you continue to look at your dream being crushed.
Sorry but the age old question has never been how do I accept I can't bully my exhausted husband into adopting a few more.
Selfish is only thinking of yourself and that you are doing. You are not thinking about if your husband can handle your dreams, you aren't even looking at if your kids are okay with your dreams, you are only looking at what you want and that is the definition of selfish.
20 moms found this helpful
M.R. answers from Detroit on October 08, 2012