Husband Being a Bad Influence

This is tough! But he needs to take a step back when he is frustrated and learn to teach her correctly. Your daughter is going to start imitating him and then be a bad example for you baby girls. Explain to him that at this age, she is a sponge and will do what he does. But, more importantly, his behavior is obviously upseting/scaring her. Thus, her not wanting to talk to him. I'm sure he doesn't want that!

I think you need a serious talk to your husband about his temper and anger management. it may sound pretty bad, but maybe all he needs is to control his action when he's angry. If he defense and don't think he has an issue, video tape mostly his time around your kids, and play back to him. Sometimes, guy need to see his action in a replay at a diffrent time to see what he did wrong. There are a lot of anger management and/or therapist out there if he need helps. Since he's a wonderful father and husband, I think he just need to work on his anger management.

good luck w/ everything, and always remember that your kids depending on you to protect them!!!

My opinion is that your husband needs counseling on how to control his anger. That is not normal, especially showing and invloving the child!! I'm sure he is a great guy, just needs to count to 10 or learn to walk away, whisper when he wants them to listen. Your child is 2--big year for defiance--will she push him enough to have him strike out at her??? I see you have twins--lots of work in your house and stress. It's not going to get easier these next 3-5 years. Little kids are lots of work and need lots of patience. There are parenting classes around at local junior colleges, too, but where is the time for you two? Please get help--even if it's for you to learn how to handle his outbursts. Call your pediatrician and get referrals. Best of luck!

How would your husband react if someone else did the same things to your daughter? Just because its a parent doesnt make it acceptable! Toddlers are going to ignore, talk back, throw tantrums, etc. its the nature of a 2, 3, 4 yr old. Ask your husband if it would be ok for daycare, or the neighbor or ANYBODY else to treat your daughter this way. Its not ok for anyone, especially the people who are supposed to love and protect her.

Good luck,
D.

CM - please take heart. this does sound like a bad situation.

i too was misled by your title. i was thinking he was letting the kids play inappropriate video games with the kid or something (hmm sounds familiar). but basically you are talking about physical violence on a very small child.

sorry to make it sound so bad. you know we all get frustrated with our lack of ability to control all things in our lives. especially when we are trying to control a 2 1/2 year old. it just isn't possible. especially when they are just learning to be independent at this age and it will drive you crazy.

yes, he needs to walk away from situations if he feels he is about to blow up. or take your child and physically (gently) remove her to a time out for 2 1/2 minutes so he will still feel his power but she is out of harms way.

good luck. this is a very touchy subject but you simply can't go off on your kids like this - period.

Hi CM,

Firstly, I find your title misses the real problem here. The influence your husband's behavior may have on your daughter's future behavior is very secondary to the fact that he has violated her. Pulling hair is serious.

I suggest that you support our husband to figure out what going on inside him particularily if this behavior is not normal for him. Is he under a lot of pressure? If so, he needs to find ways to let off steam so that he doesn't boil over at the children. Leave the house and go for a walk, exercise, cry! If these don't work, suggest professional help. Bottled up feelings tend to explode out at some point.

You don't tell us if he feels any remorse for his actions.
He should also set the example for your daughter by apologizing to her for losing his temper and hurting her. Kids feel hurt/angry when we violate them. Wouldn't we expect a very sincere apology for the same offense?

Please don't wait for something else to happen. Wonderful moms and dads seek help when they need it. We put aside our pride or shame (or whatever)and get help because it is the best thing for our kids.

Finally, if he can't control himself, and refuses to take responsibility, be assertive and take steps to protect your kids. You don't need to get overly dramatic but do suggest some ground rules to keep the peace in the house. One of our most fundamental roles as parents is to protect our kids.

He are my thoughts on the subject. I hope they help you. When we are overwhelmed, we often revert to how we were parented even if it wasn't a positive experience. Perhaps your husband is treating your daughter how he was treated when he was a young boy. Perhaps you two could take a parenting course together so you both will have better tools in your parenting tool box to pull out and use during those moments when the little ones are misbehaving. Look in the community recreation guide or at OCC, or GoldenWest College Fall Catalog to find an inexpensive class. OR ask at your PTA for a recommended course. Often times, libraries have videos that are free public service type classes that can be watched in your home and then returned to the library. Also, you could tape a few of the 'Nanny 911' episodes on TV to watch together. Check you TV listings and plug in the search word "Nanny" there are several versions produced by different networks and they are all great in my opinion. You two could become a better & stronger united parenting team if you adopted some parenting guidelines that you see and agree might work well for your particular family circumstances. Those nannies always handle families with respect and can be very creative in helping families learn manners, and follow the house rules so every one gets along better.

As far as your daughter is concerned you can tell her that Daddies and Mommies don't always act respectfully and can make mistakes too. Your husband needs to apologize for his inappropriate behavior including a vow to be more polite when he wants to make his point heard in the future.

Also, your daughter needs to know that there are consequences for not listening to Daddy or Mommy when they tell you to stop hitting the fork on the table,or misbehave in any inappropriate way. The consequence needs to be immediate and appropriate to the error. At 2 1/2 a "time out" for 2 minutes would be my suggestion. Do you have a "time-out mat" or "time-out chair"? Every time your daughter doesn't listen to your request she can be reminded that if she does comply then she will have to have a "time-out". "Time-out" means; two minutes on the mat or chair, no toys, no talking. While in "time-out", all she is to do, is to think about what she did wrong and how best to behave in the future. At two you have to coach them through this by telling them why they are in "time-out" once they are placed on the chair or mat. Once they are on the "Time-Out Chair" then the timer is started and when the timer chimes you ask them why they were in time out? And how they could handle the situation better next time. And they need to apologize for their misbehavior and vow to do it the right way next time, example: I'm sorry I didn't listen to mommy's words right away and I will listen now. If they won't stay in the chair or start to throw a tantrum you gently hold them in the chair, or on the mat on the floor, until they comply and once they calm-down the two minutes starts. If they get up and leave the "time-out" area before the timer chimes, they need to go back and the timer starts again. It's recommended the the number of minutes of the "time-out" equals their age in years. For example: 4-year old's get 4 minutes. When my Brovin was 3 he would sometimes really fight the time-out, so I would hold him on the mat until he would agree to stay put. If he got up again and left the mat then I would hold him through the 3 minutes. This would usually only happen when he was over- tired and sometimes he would even fall asleep during the "time-out" so I would let him stay on the mat until he woke up again. The key to "time-out" management of misbehavior is consistency on the parent's part. Every time they misbehave you can threaten a "time-out" but only one warning. If they don't listen after one warning then the "time-out" is immediate. I've had to stop during grocery shopping and retreat to the car so we could have a "time-out" in the back seat before we went back into the store to finish our shopping. OR I've given "time-out" while at a friends house by using their kitchen mat as the "Time-out" zone. But pretty soon the mention of a "time-out" for inappropriate behavior becomes enough of a reminder and they start listening.

Now that her kids are 9 & 10 my girlfriend uses 5 minutes increments of chores as the repercussion for misbehavior. Every time her girls dump their things on the floor instead of putting their shoes up on the rack and their school bags up on their hook which is the family rule they get 5 minutes for ever item found on the floor. After their home work is done, then chore time begins and once they are done with their everyday chores they owe Mom 5 min's extra cleaning time whether it be dusting, vacuuming or picking up in the bath room, or perhaps it might be picking weeds in the garden, or sorting of laundry and distributing it to everyone's room. Now when her girls aren't listening or they start to whine, all she has to say is "5 minutes" and they know they better snap-too or they will hear, "10 minutes" and the clock keeps on ticking-up until they apologize and do what is asked of them. Even under the most stubborn of moments, they usually cave-in at about 20 minutes.

Again, I hope these ideas help you and your husband. We all can learn to better, more efficient, and respectful when we teach our children how to be better people. And sometimes they teach us a little along the way.

I agree that your husband may be feeling stressed and would like to recommend a book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger. We all need to love and respect the men we have chosen as our partner, but they don't come with an instruction booklet on how best to care for them. I found this book to be very helpful and I never have to nag, my husband to do something, or change his behavior because I've changed mine. After all, the only one we have control over is ourselves. This book taught me ways to speak with my husband that are more effective and as a result we both feel more loved, honored and respected. That was the vow we made and I try to keep to every day.

Good luck and please let me know if my advise is helpful. ____@____.com

OK, you are going to think I am nuts - I know you have 3 kids, including 4 month old twins - but I think you need to help him to "de-stress" and the best way to do that is with sex.

He sounds stressed out to me, and I find that when my husband gets like that, physical attention is what works.

I know...I sound like a weirdo here...but this is what works for us.

I would caution you about "counceling" him on what he is doing wrong...you say he is a good guy, so he doesn't deserve to be brow beaten...that will hurt your relationship.

Hang in there!

He doesnt sound that wonderful to me, Are you kidding me !! at what point is it ok to lose control and take it out on a
2 1/2 yr old. As you see for your self, first the fork now its phyiscal , try this if he has told her to stop doing what she was doing at the table and she did not listen then take her by the hand and walk her over to a time out. For not listening to dad, if she walked away from the hair being done and he asked her to come back & finish and she ignored him, then take her by the hand and sit her in a time out for not listening to daddy. She sits there for 2 1/2 min, after she sits there walk over to her tell her what she did wrong, ask her to say she is sorry, give her a hug tell her I love yo , then walk her back to finsih her hair or eat. Not once do you or dad need to lose the patience. Sorry dad you can get the kids to mind you , being a bully isnt going to help.