Husband Attending Bachelor Party?

At some point as with any addiction you are going to have to just trust him. I say let him go if he feels he can go without a setback. You say he's been doing well so maybe this is will be his way of testing his own willpower. No addiction is ever actually "cured" but success is being able to be around the things you are addicted to without relapsing. Like with alcohol...avoiding every place that has any kind of alcohol is not success. Being able to be around alcohol without drinking it is success. Think about it like this. You know if he went it would be innocent, he has been doing good with his addiction which means he WANTS to keep it under control, and at some point you should trust him to know when he needs to just walk away from the party. Suggest that he drive instead of riding with someone. Then he could leave if he decided he couldn't handle it. Good luck!

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Dear T.,
It is not a good idea for him to go. The party might even have questionable women come there. I would ask him politely to not go but don't nag. If you are a christian, pray that God will intervene and that for some reason he won't be able to go. Pray that God would protect his mind and heart from it. L. J

Hi T.,
Is your husband seeing a therapist for his addiction? Does he belong to a 12 Step group, and does he have a sponsor? I would suggest that if so, he bring this up at a therapy session, a meeting, and with his sponsor. I don't know if seeing strippers live would trigger him to start obsessively viewing pornography again. Also, you didn't mention if he had ever been unfaithful to you as a result of the addiction. If so, you may not want him around live strippers, especially if he is drinking. I have known alcoholics who could go to bars and even have alcohol in their homes who had enough time in sobriety to abstain from drinking. Then again, my alcoholic loved one starting drinking again after 10 years of sobriety when someone left liquor in our home after a Halloween party. He might not have gone out to buy it, but it was conveniently in our home, and combined with his urge to drink, it was too tempting. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your husband if you are uncomfortable with him going to the party and why, but then you could leave the final decision up to him. Ultimately his addiction is his responsibility and is beyond your control. I have found a lot of comfort and help from being active in Al-Anon, and you might meet others there who have had similar feelings and experiences. Blessings, R.

The key word that stood out to me is "addict". Any addict or family of an addict knows its dangerous to turn to the drug, drink or habit for "one night". Ultimately it should be your husbands decision. If he is truly recovered you can hope he will make the right one, but you are right to question it and make him think. I would suggest a solution of joining them for a drink/dinner and then coming home. Remind how far he's come, how proud you are of him and how difficult it would be on both of you to go through that again. Good luck.

Here is my two cents... Pornography is a very hard addiction for guys. If he has any say over the party, I'd recommend that he honor his friend by hanging out for dinner or bowling or WHATEVER else they can do before the rest of the party goes out to the clubs. It seems to me that subjecting himself to his addiction, be it in fun or not, is asking for trouble. However, the ball needs to ultimately be in his court. Make you feelings absolutely crystal clear. But he needs to be the one to make the wise decision, otherwise he will hold his resentment against you and that is doing nothing positive for the situation either. Best of wishes to you my friend.

Good that you both recognize his weakness.
Definitely talk--that is not you forcing your will or wants on him. You're a couple and should be able to share feelings and concerns.
NEVER believe that in a case of addiction it is a STRENGTH to be able to dable in a little bit of whatever the weakness is. That's a hideous falsehood which when looked at objectively makes absolutely no sense. Most everyone has made that analogy already, though.
And since you solicited our opinions. . .I personally find pornography appalling in what it does to women, men, and humanity. . .everyone is better living without it. There were tons of other great suggestions, and any true friend will understand and not take offense. We need more people who show strength and are willing to do what is best while still expressing concern and kindness towards others. Your husband can do just that.

1st of all T., knowing his history, the question is, what's more important your marriage or the bachelor party? If one day could jeopardize that, why chance it? You shouldn't have to make that decision. He should. It's his addiction. If he decides it's not a good idea, his friend should understand, if he's a true friend. It may be hard for someone to understand what being addicted to anything means, especially when it hasn't happened to them. I have a friend that was addicted to a substance and he stays away from that atmosphere because he says it is temptation. He's been clean for years now.

Best Wishes to you.

J.

Have you asked your husband if HE thinks its a good idea? I don't think that you need to be making the decision for him, but instead, you can encourage him to really think through what will be best for him as a person, and for your marriage. Chances are, he may be struggling with that question, and he may just rely on you to give him the answer. But I think he'll feel better about the whole situation if he comes to his own conclusion.

I know I am responding late... but we bought 5 copies of a book that might help with the past addiction...

Every Man's Battle by: Stephen Arterburn

It is an excellent book and has really made an impression on my dh.

I would ask him... if it isn't too late for the party... what do you WANT to do? or What do you think you SHOULD do? Put it that way and leave it up to him... he can't be mad at you for saying you don't want him to go.

Wow! what a challenge in your marriage. Is it possible that they will go golfing or on another sports outing without including the nudity?
If it is a definite strip club kind of night I would have to agree with many of the responses and say "no". I used to waitress at a sports bar in college. I was "assigned" to be wait staff for a bachelor party. These guys had hired strippers to come to the party. I was SO uncomfortable not only with the two women and their actions, but at he behaviors of many of the men.....and many with rings on their fingers.
It isn't always as innocent as many of us would like to think.
I hope that if this is an issue for you and your husband that you come to a respectful decision that both of you are happy with.
(Is he in the position to plan or highly influence the plans of the night?)
Good Luck!

Does your husband go to a 12 step meeting for his addiction?
He may want to look up SA (like AA) for sexual addiction.
Picture someone who is a recovering alcoholic going to a bar. It's the same thing.
It's not your job to say no.
He has to decide.
If he went to a meeting- he would get better support from other addicts
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous,
P.O.Box 91764, Cleveland, 44101-3764
###-###-####
www.slaanoi.net

First, of course you should talk to your husband about it. He may have checked into things and they are just going bar hopping. And if he is struggling with it, help him with alternatives. Guys can easily be sent in a new direction. Wrestle Mania is always a GREAT one! Or rent a boat and some jet skis at a local lake. Paint Ball even. Are all great things guys can do that will wear them all out and the strip club(s) will be an after thought. If at the end of the evening some guys are demanding to visit a strip club your husband can just say he's tired and head home. (After all, that probably wont be a lie.) We got married not long after friends and their parties were at strip clubs. My husband just isn't really into it. But his friends were all ready to repeat the idea from a few months back. My husband offered to rent a boat on the lake the day of the party and everyone was WAY too tired to go out afterwards. They were all in bed by 10pm! Hahaha!!! Best of Luck!!!

Ask yourselves what good will this come to us individually and more importantly as a married couple. If there is no positive effects and possibly negative effects why even bother? I don't think it would be innocent...it would be putting him in a situation that is a struggle for him and is very disrepectful to you and your marriage and the work he has put into staying away from that. Id say no way.

I think there is a HUGE opportunity here to set an example. Your husband IS married now. I think he can step up and say, "You know what, I'm married now and I don't do that kind of thing any more. In addition, I'm trying to overcome my addiction to pornography. If I go, this would only be a temptation. I choose to stand firm in my beliefs and not allow the temptation to even be a potential problem."

TRUST me on this! He may take ALOT of flack from the guys, but I GUARANTEE YOU, there will be one or more people who have so much respect for him for doing that and speaking up. You never know. He may inspire someone else to do the right thing.

God forbid someone do the RIGHT thing vs. what's easy! You BOTH will sleep better at night! When temptation is knocking......best thing to do is RUN!! RUN, FORREST, RUN!!!

I haven't been in your situation, but I think any good AA sponsor would tell an alcoholic not to go bar hopping. So, I don't think any addict should participate in anything that has to do with their chosen addiction.
Have him talk to the friend and come up with a solution...they start at a bar for dinner and then your hubby bows out? Or he meets up with them later for a night-cap at a non-nudie bar?

Normally I would think a Bachelor Party was harmless, but in this case I don't know... I think I would probably want him to skip it. If it is an all day event with golfing or something like that before the night time stuff, he could always attend that part.

Well, I would say that a recovering alcoholic wouldn't go to a wine tasting. Or have a few beers just because its a special occasion. I don't think he should go.

T., I completely understand your concerns and I think that you need to talk with your husband about it. Be open and honest with him and make him know that it isn't that you don't trust him, but that you don't want him to be tempted. I had a similar situation for a wedding that I was in a few months ago - I don't drink and am very involved with the teens at our church but the bridal party was going to bars and places that I really didn't feel comfortable with. I spoke with the bride and since she truly knows me, she completely understood. So instead of going with the group, we planned something seperately for the two of us. Perhaps you could suggest something like that to your husband. He could talk to the groom and explain the situation and if the groom is understanding maybe they could plan for something else that the two of them enjoy, even if it is just dinner or something for the two of them to hang out. Good luck!

A lot of men don't do the strip club thing for their bachelor party. I've actually been to a few that were going to the jazz bar and stuff like that. I'd say find out what the itinerary is before you start worrying about it.

If it is going to the strip club, let him know about your concerns but ultimately leave the choice up to him.

If he knows he has a problem then he knows that he shouldn't go. Pornography addiction should not be compared to alcohol addiction. An alcoholic may be able to go to a bar and not drink anything. BUt how is he supposed to go to a strip club and not see anything . Just say that you're afraid he'll relapse.

Hi T.... ugh! I feel your stress. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely be worried about my husband being in an inappropriate setting and would fear a relapse. I think it best that you talk to him about your worries and, without passing judgment, ask him if he thinks he should be present at this party. IF they are going to be going to strip clubs or hiring a stripper, he knows he shouldn't go and if his buddy is really a true friend, he should understand if your husband "can't" go. Not because he doesn't want to be there for his friend, or because you don't want him there, but because he cannot go because of his own admitted problems. I agree with some of the other suggestions, a different setting, different kind of party, etc. Or, if he doesn't go, maybe he and the groom can go for a couple beers together another time to just hang out and toast the groom/friendship. The images that your husband had in his mind will all come back and could be potentially dangerous to him again. I hope that everything works out okay. Oh...and one last thing, if your husband doesn't want to go and can't tell his buddies the truth (which is really hard for men in this kind of a situation), tell him he can blame it on you and that you won't let him go. This allows him to save face and not have to explain a very personal situation to the world. This issue is between the two of you anyway. Best of luck!!! :-)

I completely understand where you are coming from. I struggle with my husbands addiction to pornography also. We have been together for 19 years. I don't see a problem with it if both spouses agree that it does not bother them but, in my case, I have told my husband numerous times that I don't like it and it makes me feel unattractive. I don't like the fact of my husband getting excited from someone else but me. Maybe explain to him that he would not like you getting excited from someone else. Maybe that might help.

Then again. I would not be ok with it. I probably did not give any good advice, but I can definitely understand where your coming from.

Sandra Hamilton
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