Husband and 3 1/2 Year Old Son Not Getting Along

Hi T.,
I felt like I was reading about my family. Yes it is a phase and he will get past it. When my son pitched his "little" fit, I said Daddy is cool he can do it just like me. And even though he would get really angry my husband did what ever it was to be done. Believe me I know this phase is really hard but you have to try what ever to get them both past it

N.

Hi T.,

I have girls but I used to have this issue with my youngest who is 2. She only wanted me to do everything (i.e read her a book, put her to bed etc...)but eventually, she did grow to want to be with her daddy more. For me, part of it was that she didn't have the same comfort level with him as she did with me. Personally,I really wouldn't try to discipline the relationship. If you do put him in a time out, then I would recommend it be specifically because he is having a tantrum not because he doesn't want to spend time with dad. I also have an almost four year old girl and I talk to her often about how she can hurt peoples feelings if she isn't nice and how would she feel if one of her friends says to her that they don't want to spend time with her. Usually she gets it and has a different heart. But try your best to get at the heart of why he prefers you over your husband and work on that and not necessarily on the behavoir. He's old enough to understand. Would it help if your husband and son did something outside of the home that was special just for the two of them? Like Sat. breakfasts or hitting balls at a batting cage?

I wish you well and let your husband know to not take it personal and please try not to let it affect your marriage. You're son will get comfortable with his dad at some point.

Hi T.,

If your son has always behaved this way, then it is clearly not a phase! Are you saying that from the time your son was born, he has rejected your husband's efforts at taking care of him anytime that you are around?

Maybe I am old school in terms of my parenting, but why is your husband asking your son if he can do those things for him? I believe in the parents being in control. No asking if it's okay. When it's bathtime or bedtime, the parent who will be taking care of those duties can simply say "Okay <son's name>, time to have your bath" No room for negotiation. If he says "I want mommy!", you'll need to say that you are busy with other things. I believe it's okay to tell kids that you aren't going to parent 24/7 when there's someone else available to meet their needs. But if you've always given in to your son's demands, this will be hard habit to break and there will likely be tantrums. What you might want to do is start with things that are optional such as going to the park, playing a game, reading a story - your husband should offer to do these activities with your son. Not "Who do you want to take you out to play, Mommy or Daddy?" but simply have hubby ask "Do you want to go out to play/read story/play a game?" and having mommy instead simply isnt' an option. Your son doesn't need to consent to the playing, story or game, but if he wants to do these things, it's only with daddy, mommy is just not available.
However, since your son seems to have a strong want for time with mommy, my suggestion is also that when you get home from work, errands or whatever else, spend some time with him as soon as you get home. But let him know what the limits are! Tell him you'll read two stories and play one game of Candyland, but then you're moving on to do other things, or set the timer, let him know you have 30 minutes to devote to him right now and when the timer goes off, he needs to entertain himself and anything he needs, he has to ask dad for.
Good luck!
M.

You're right, it is a phase. I haven't experienced it myself because my son is only one month old, but I learned about it from my child psych classes. It's called the Oedipus complex and it will pass. As the story goes, Oedipus killed his father (he didn't know that was dad), became king, and married the queen (who was actually his mom). After that he wound up killing himself or gouging his eyes out, I can't remember which, but either way, it's not that serious with your son. Still, there will be times when he can't stand daddy, but mommy is his whole world. I've heard that just about every child, male and female (girls do the reverse - hate mommy love daddy), go through this stage. Just remember, it won't last. This, too, shall pass. =)

I think your son is acting normally. I think he see's your husband as a threat to his time with you. I know it's exhausting! My kids have gone through that phase a few times. Your son is taking it to the extreme but I do believe it will pass. Make sure that alone time with dad is at least once a week if not more. That way he will get that interaction without you around and you will get that way needed time alone to recharge!!
Hope this helps:)

Hey T.,
I have a four year old daughter and a 16 month old daughter. When my first was born my husband was going to school at night and doing homework on weekends; so I basically took care of our daughter. For the longest time all she wanted was mommy for everything...to this day she still needs to hold my arm to go to sleep. She was unconsolable when I was in the hospital having my second daughter. This has taken a toll on my husband...BUT she has started to come around. She now lets her daddy give her baths, dinner, go to dance school without me, etc. She will even go up to bed to "keep him company" when he goes to sleep. These are big steps. I think they're "date nights" have helped. He would take her to dinner, minature golf, etc. It is a work in progress. Spending quality father/son time will help. Just remember take baby steps...it takes time but it will start to get better. Just hang in there :^)

I just have to say that we had the same issue and still do on occasion. my son is 4 now and he has mostly grown out of that. he now enjoys being with his dad and we make sure that we split time evenly ... especially now with baby sarah in the picture! :)
He should grow out of that. just put your foot down when you know he's playing you. He will have to understand that you won't be around all the time to help him and that dad can be "trusted" to do these things. If he does act out, just walk away. act like it doesn't bother you. he will get the picture that you are in charge and he can't control you with hitting and yelling.
good luck and be strong. You are both his teachers and now is the time to let him know that he can't have what he wants everytime he wants it. I hope you don't think that's harsh. but you'll know when it's a ploy and when he's really upset. :)
my son knows just what to do to push my buttons and i always call him on it. :)

My son is not as old as yours but was exibiting this behavior very young. I kept telling him that dad is very good to him and slowly left for longer and longer intervals. Now they have a lot of fun together but I had to be consistent and insist that they do things to bond with each other.

Hi T..

Have you tried telling your son that you and your husband are going to be taking turns with various routines? Also, when you are away from your son and husbadn, your husband should try taking him somewhere super fun where they can let their hair down, eat ice cream, laugh and having a bonding experience. Sometimes when we're just at home it's harder to think of more fun things to do and we get more wrapped up in routines and rules. Mayeb a sports outing or park and ice cream. Whatever your son thinks is fun. It's something just he and your husband can do together.

Good luck...

W.

I had the same problem with my daughter, who was our first born. When we had our son I had a repeat C-section and was in the hospital for 5 days, Daddy had his little girl, then 2 1/2 years old, all by himself so she had to adjust to dealing with him. When she would come up to the hospital she would sit next to me and her new brother for the first few days, then by the 3rd day she was walking in holding onto her Daddy as if he was the most important person in her life. Then the kicker, when I got home she didn't want me to do anything for her as long as Daddy was around. It wasn't until he went back to work that I was able to do things for her again and she became my little helper again.
My suggestion to you is if you can, go away for a 4 day weekend with out your son. If he has no choice but to rely on his Daddy then he will get used to it. Then when you come home and your son wants something, just tell him you are busy and to go ask Daddy, but do it very matter of factly. It will be hard at first, but he will adjust and will develop a strong bond between him and his Daddy.
Good Luck, remember being a parent is the hardest job you will ever do.
Hugs,
T.

I had something similar, but my son was much younger. He's 21 months now, and only in the last couple of months he's OK with my husband when I'm home. The trick for us was for my husband to make sure they had a lot of fun when I wasn't there. So they would go to the park, play, be outside, and just had a blast. Little by little, he realized that daddy was a lot of fun. When we were all home, I would disappear for a few minutes at a time, and if he cried, then my husband would distract him. I'm sure it's a lot harder with a 3 year old, and will probably take more effort. I know it wasn't a phase with my son, he's just a mama's boy...

Holy cow! I could have writtent eh same exact request! My daughter is just about 2 1/2 and she is totally the same way! but when she is with dad alone she clings to him. I think its almost that she doesn't realize she can love 2 people at the same time. she got much better when I was taking night classes and he was with her. just have them take their special time together, have your husband do fun things wiht him alone. Make them "special daddy son" days. Also when I need Gia to do something with her dad so I can cook dinner or something, I tell Pete, not to ask her ex: he would ask her do you want me to give you a bath? of course they will so noooooo I want mommy. so just have him do it without the asking. Becasue if they are asked it gives them an opening to say no and throw a tantrum. Sometimes I think OPete asks to get out of doing something!!! ha ha ha. Slowly she is getting used to the idea that mommy can't always do everything! and the funny thing is , my daughter idolozes my mom ( her grandma) so when we are there she treats me like she treats me the way she treats her dad when I am around. Its like a pecking order, thats why I don't think she doesn't realize she can love 2 people at one time!!! Its also who ever lets her get what she wants, in our family structure it goes Grandma, Mom, and then daddy. gettting stricter as you go down the line. Hey ... these kids are not dumb, theyknow how to play us and get what they want!!!!! Let me know if you find other things that work... we can use the help tooo!!! lol!