Husband Addicted to Online Games

You feel lonely, disconnected and abandoned by your love. I know what that feels like. You have received much advice which focuses on changing him but I would encourage you to focus on you. I'm not saying be selfish or controlling but to be the best you you can be.

Write him a letter. It may take some time to compose the right words. Take your time. In this letter you are going to write all of the reasons why you fell in love with him, why you believe he makes a great father, how much you value his contribution of financial support to the family then you are going to tell him what's in your heart, How you feel as though you and the girls are losing in the competition for his affection against the computer games. You are going to explain to him how fleeting time is and the girls will only be little for a little while and then they will be teens and dating and it may be too late to connect with them. You can explain to him you need him to help balance out the raising of the girls with the male perspective. You should close the letter by saying you just wanted him to know what you were feeling and thinking and you really hope he will not spend so much time playing the games and more time with you and the girls. I would also write at the end of the letter that even if he choose not to change you do not intend to continue to talk about this matter but do your best in living a life with things as they are but it really hurts.

Seal the letter and put it in front of the computer with his name on it for him to read. Then give it some time.

In the mean time and between time. I would recommend getting a strong support system for you and the girls. People who can help you with the girls. Get some time to pamper yourself and relax some. Do some of the things you liked to do BC (before children). Things like reading a good book, candlelight bubble baths, strolls through the park, visits the museums, sewing, cooking something new, massages or beauty treatments. This will help take the focus of your loneliness and putting some fuel back into your tank.

I hope you find this helpful and hopeful besides your girls will learn things directly and indirectly from you. Some things are taught and some things are caught. You can teach them so much as you navigate through this rough patch in your marriage no matter how it turns out.

Keep in touch. K..

1 mom found this helpful

Kimberly's advice was pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Men can be blind and dumb when it comes to reading people's feelings compared to women and they NEED to be told. They don't spend time thinking about things like this like women do. A letter will have far greater impact.

Failing that, there must be some 10 step programs that could help for this addiction. They've got them for everything else as well as for those who have to live with the problem. Telling him you're going out to a meeting to learn to deal with his addiction might wake him up too.

Maybe making some plans like going to the park to play ball or go swimming or doing something else with the girls outside the home could help too.

Send a message around when the problem is solved and let us know what worked! Our most basic human need is to be loved and it's not out of line to be assertive about this. Don't ever feel like because he's the one that works for the money that your work is somehow less valuable.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi R.,

Sorry to hear you are going through this situation. You don't say how long you're married or how long this has been going on. If your husband is at the level of having an addiction (and from the way you describe things he very well might be)then he will not be able to change unless he gets appropriate help---and he will have to want to get the help. Generally addicts (and potential addicts) do not get help unless and until they hit bottom.

I have learned that I cannot change or control another person, especially when s/he does not want to change. I can change me, and how I respond to a situation. Can you do something different, that is designed not to punish him, but to take care of you? Suppose you were to tell him that you need help with certain things relating to the house or the kids. If he refuses, can you hire some help, even if it's just an occasional babysitter or a cleaning person? Do you have any outside interests? If so, do you pursue them?

If you cannot live with the situation as it is what can you do? Can you get him or both of you into some counseling? Are you able to work part-time as a way of having or feeling some independence? Could you or would you want to get rid of the computer? Are you at the point where you feel you would need to leave? If so, what is holding you back? If you cannot do so now, can you start positioning yourself so that someday you can?

Please do not take this as me blaming you for your situation. He and he alone is responsible for his behavior. I just want to show you that even in a situation with few options, we, in my experience are rarely ever helpless.

Please feel free to disregard anything that you feel does not help you.

Good Luck!

J.

Dear R.,

Plain and simply put, he has an addiction. From my own experience with someone who has an addiction (my brother), all the cajolng, crying, negotiating and arguing will not change him. He will only change if and when he wants to. I won't tell you to offer him an ultimatum because that will not work unless you are willing to follw through with it.

You mention he "adores" your children but I would have to say if he really adored them, he would not be on his computer so much playing games. Actions speak much louder than words.

By keeping your feelings inside, though, will eat at you like a poison. You will become resentful.Do you ever have time for yourself? I wonder if you fear leaving the children alone with him because they might be neglected.

Does he have computer access at work becasue if he does this situation may not only happen at home and employers don't look too kindly on their employees wasting time on the computer.

Counseling for him is definetly in order but only if he agrees to it. It will not help him if he is forced to go. He may not even think he has a problem, until something big happens. Maybe you should seek some on your own to find out the best way to handle this situation. You can't change him but you can change how you deal with it.

Here's a thought, get rid of the computer. If I were you, I'd be so angry at this point that I'd probably throw the thing out the window.

This is my life. I'd rather not respond publicly, so when I have more time I will send you a private message. I just want to say right now that you are not alone, and I am so sorry you are going through this too.

When you are a father, you are supposed to be fathering at least part of the evening. Five minutes here and 5 minutes there of family time sounds more like he wants to be the provider or there is an addiction.

At a minimum, he spends 28 -30 hrs a wk playing games. An hour a night is plenty...maybe an extra hr after the kids go to bed.

Kids should not see a parent on the computer almost 30 hrs a wk playing games...And it sounds like he plays the solo.

Then, I'm hearing that you do not ask much of him. This is okay some of the time, but he's taking the mile and running with it. And if you are holding this all in - you will end up resenting him.

Was this always a habit? Is this a new habit?

Does he believe that it's strictly the woman's job to raise the kids and he just has to bring home the bacon? It's common. This can tire the woman out emotionally and physically over time. I have seen a few couples split up because of this...if so, Marriage and Family Therapy sooner rather than later...

I hope that he will go and talk to some one w/ you...

You might find one of Dr. Phil's shows on this subject. Then, you can what he says to the couple(s). You don't nec. have to agree, but you can "see" if Dr. Phil insists it's an addiction & rec. counseling...(Just a thought).

In the meantime, I would sit him down when he's in a friendly mood and tell him that it's time for a change when it comes to family time. You'd like to know if you could start a weekly Saturday Sandwich night out around 5 pm without any distractions. Tell him that you'd love to see that he leave his game at home and have a fun, non-distraction night out. Tell him you want to be out & talk and that you miss chatting. Find a place that has an interactive placemat or bring paper/crayons and say, "I want to see who can challenge Dad to a game of tic-tac-toe or guess the animal. Who wants to play with Mom?."

Kris /// Parent Educator
Keeping my fingers crossed for you
You deserve a happy, fulfilling marriage

Hi R.,
I can almost identify with you. I have had similar situations with the fathers' of my children. (all 4 have different fathers for different reasons). But, I have done this myself, addiction to pc games. I love games. But I also did laundry, shopping, made dinner and cleaned house, helped with homework, and put kids to bed.

My 2nd daughter's father was like that with video games and music. He had his own room where he had his stereo (with many large speakers, tv, and video games. Our apartment was not soundproofed and he would get mad when I would ask him to turn it down when it was the kids' bedtime. I would go in and just turn it off, then ended up kicking him out for his lack of respect for me and the kids.
Besides that, he refused to work, spend time with the girls, or help with grocery shopping and hauling (walking) laundry to the laundromat. (the only time he helped with groceries was when I refused to buy him junkfood, so he would have to go so he could sneak stuff in and he helped with laundry when I stopped doing his!) Again, he refused to work!! Which is why he is the father to only 1 of my 4 children!

With my 3rd child, my son, I found out that his father liked teenage girls (at 30 yo) and just wouldn't stop sneaking around and lying, even with our son on the way!

Sorry, I think you could have it worse, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not to say you don't have reason to feel upset or betrayed by your husbands actions! You have every right to feel the way you do.

Is there a way to change the password on the computer while he's not there? Then leave the house with the kids, computer off, before he gets home and see what he does. If he calls and asks what the password is, say; oh, I forgot to tell you I changed it, I have it written down somewhere, but don't remember where right now, can you wait until I get home. Or find another way to disable the computer. Or maybe even leave a note that someone needs to use the computer at a specific time for school work or research?

Look for pc educational games for the kids. Then they will need time to play their own. My son loves put-put; saves the zoo, wins the race. There are alphabet gmes, counting, colors, spelling games and so many more. I have a bunch but I don't remember the web site I used to buy them from.

I know, this seems childish, and we should be the adult in these situations, but sometimes we have to get on the childish level for the men in our lives to see what it's like to see an adult act like an irresponsible child.

The man I'm with now has his flaws. Too many to list here, I've already written too much, sorry :). But, I have learned to deal with most of it without mentioning it to him everytime. He turns the littlest things into ugly fights.

If you can't talk to your husband, is there anyone else you can get to talk to him? What does he say to the kids if they try to interupt him? Does he come to the dinner table at mealtime? Have you tried to make plans, and let him know that he is to be included in a family trip? Sometimes you just have to do things as a family, to get him out of the house, and away from the computer, even for a couple hours! Visit family or friends, go out to dinner, with or without the kids. Maybe just a joy ride, if you've done that in the past. Or take the long way to get home from anywhere you can get him.

Doing things without him is not family time!

I wish you the best of luck with this.

Hi R.,

You are right you and your children deserve more. If he will not go for outside help then you go for yourself. It will help give you the strength you need and also help you to see your other options. Sometimes men need a little push to know you are serious, so going for help may open his eyes to just how much this is hurting you. I am not suggesting you get a divorce but in answer to your response, YES you can leave him for this. It is an addiction that is effecting you and your children. It is a form of neglect and emotional abandonment. I don't really know much about addiction but I think its not really about what he is doing it is more about why he is doing it. What is he getting from it that he doesn't get from his family. Maybe it's easier to not have to put forth any effort on his part just to escape into this world of video games. Anyway you cut it it is a problem. Eventually your love for him will turn to resentment. Basically you are like a single mother and he is a paycheck. Make a few phone calls get yourself some help to deal with this problem for YOU! If he is willing to go that's great, but I am thinking he won't think he has a problem and refuse. So go for you and your kids!!! Good luck.

R.,

There is no cure for addiction - only recovery. Any addiction. The only thing I can give you is that you married for better or for worse. In sickness and in health. This is recognized by the AMA as a sickness.

Do what you can to feel positive emotions, for you and for your children. Do what you can to find a support group - any addiction group will work, just fill in the addiction with games. It may not be alcohol, it may not be drugs, but it is the same behavior.

Good luck,
M.

R.,
I am by no means a professional, however, it sounds like your husband doesn't really believe he has an addiction. You know your husband best. Would he go to counseling? I would suggest family or marriage counseling. His behavior is affecting everyone. Make sure he knows how much you lvoe and appreciate him. If he is unwilling to attend couseling, explain how you feel to him. Try to get him to play only during certain hours. If he slowly cuts down on gametime, it probably won't be so difficult for him. Ask him to turn everything off for an hour a day to spend time focusing only on the family. If he can't do it or is unwilling, I would demand counseling. At some point you have to stand up for something that is important. I know I wouldn't want to spend my life in that environment.
Good Luck.

Hi R.,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru such a hard time. It is so easy to slip in such a situation if one partner works all day and one is home all the time. Your husband feels he deserves some relaxation and you fell you deserve some family time. Both of you are right, of course, but that is not what this is about. Try to set up a time where you can talk to him with no interruptions, when the kids are in bed. Then tell him how you feel, but also tell him what part of his behavior you understand. Then you could make some suggestions as to how to improve the situation gradually. I could think of the following: 1. On the weekend, find one activity that he can do outside the house with the kids, something that they can bond over and do every week together. Don't make it a "whole day plan" but maybe a sport that takes 2 hours or so.
2. Set up family dinners every night and ask him to join you all at the dinner table. Help him to start a conversation with the kids and have him ask how their day was and what they did.
3. Find a babysitter and agree to go out together just the two of you on a regular basis, weekly, biweekly or maybe just once a month - whatever your budget allows.

These are small steps that would not take the computer playing away from him entirely, but gives him an opportunity to join into the family fun again. Make sure you let him know if you see positive things and in the beginning don't set your expectations too high, otherwise you are setting him (and yourself) up for failure.

R.,

It sounds like your husband needs professional help and you need some support. These websites might have some useful information:

http://www.netaddiction.com/default.aspx
http://www.upmc.com/healthAtoZ/Pages/HealthLibrary.aspx?c...

This is seriously affecting your family, and your husband likely needs treatment to be able to stop. I hope you can find some helpful resources in your area -- don't try to do this on your own.

Good luck,
A.

I'm am so sorry that you are in this situation. My ex-husband had a drinking problem, but was also quite functional during the day. This is an addiction, and you are not dealing with the person, you are dealing with the addiction. He is probably in denial. You need professional help.

I would document the times that he is on the computer. He probably does not see the big picture. A physical log might shock him into realizing that he needs to deal with it.

Good luck.

Your husband needs some help. He is obviously very addicted to these games just like anyone would be addicted to drugs and alcohol. It's also hard to keep your kids off the computer when they see Daddy playing on it all the time. I wish you the best of luck and hope that he will see that this could harm his family in the long run. I would have a real heart to heart and let him know how you feel and if possible get him some therapy.

I'd let him alone and just schedule time with him. It might be his only way to deal with the stress of working long hours. It's his way to temporarily get away from it all. At least he's getting up to cuddle with the kids once in a while. You might even suggest having outside family time after supper like playing outdoor games or go for a walk together for 1/2 hour evey night or you can even make it on just certain nights. After the kids are asleep, join him by watching and cheering him on. Some guys need to have a macho feeling of having their "girl" think they're great, but since they aren't muscle bound, they look for cheers at winning a game. (My exboyfriend was like that...He'd play a video game in the arcade and turn to smile at me when he'd complete a level and told me he was pretending to save me from the dragon.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, as I don't have personal experience with addiction, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm sorry you're going through such a painful thing. It sounds like you need some outside help. You're doing a great thing by reaching out for it. I will keep you in my prayers.

Can you find a therapist to talk to about this on your own if he is not willing to go with you? So you can clarify what you really want to do before doing it?
To me, this sounds like an unbearable situation. But before setting any ultimatums etc. you need to be sure where you want to go with this.
You might think about contacting your local chapter of Al-Anon as well. Perhaps they can provide some resources for you as the spouse of an addict.

I have to be blunt and say "WHAT?!" Computer games like that are for people who do NOT have children to raise. If it were me, I'd demand he stop or else I chuck the computer off the top of a building.
Time to grow up Dad.
L.