Husband!!!!!!!!!!! - Kingman,AZ

Wow M., I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy. I have been w my husband for 17 yrs already and we have had our ups & downs. I have felt the same way you feel, the "don't touch me, you make me sick syndrome" (& he never got it) and believe me I have left him before & came back to try to make it work (esp because my kids were so young), I thought it (life & him) would change & not until the last break up did I see a dramatic change. We needed some time apart...to miss eachother.
So I understand how you feel. Sometimes, it just isn't there anymore.
First, I want to say see if you can make it work...try, do something that may bring that spark back up, like maybe a small vacation with just the 2 of you just to reminisce on the GOOD stuff.
Or perhaps, YOU need a break, some ME time, and do a temporary separation first, to see if that will really make you happier.
Then if that still doesn't work or you just know you want to be completely out of the relationship... my advice is to cover your every move before you leave...meaning prepare carefully, do not do it haphazardly, leaving some stones unturned. Take care of your paperwork, separate what is yours, start setting aside your own accounts & money, start packing here & there and store them in a storage facility, get you a PO Box and start transfering your mail so that eventually, when you make a move, the postman already knows to forward your mail. Plan ahead. You didn't really mention what his temperament would be, but CYA anyway.
I hope things work out for the better for you as well as the children & I pray you all have a happy life (with or without him). Take care & keep your head up!

It may take him forever to get it. I told my ex I was moving out last May.... finally got a place in August. Filed for divorce in Novemeber, and yet he still keeps thinking that I'll 'come to my senses' and come back to him. He even showed up with flowers on Valentine's Day!(never did that in our 15 years together)

I think it's a male ego thing. They can't admit to being an ass, so they convince themselves that no one could possibly want to leave. Denial is easier than self-reflection.

I just kept being a broken record and told him over and over that I had absolutely 0 interest in having a relationship with him, and that if he continued to push me or show up unannounced I would file a restraining order.

Now he only calls to talk to our son. He's very cold to me (I think he's trying to 'punish' me), but it doesn't bother me in the least, and it's a lot more peaceful.

He won't even begin to get a clue while you're still in the house. Do you have friends or family you can move in with while you're finding a permanent home? The sooner you and your daughter are out, the sooner you can file, and move on with your life.

Are you allowing him to manipulate you because you are scared of change, or because maybe deep down you don't want to leave? It's a tricky question, but one you really need to think about. My counselor really helped me to sort out my feelings and get over my fears. It's your choice, but I would really suggest talking to someone impartial (preferably a marital counselor) to help you sort it out before you make your next move. If you are really ready to move on, make a plan to move out, maybe a personal timeline, and you'll find that things tend to fall into place.

And in answer to those women who think it's your fault and that you need to accept it or 'find GOD', I say keep your politics to yourself. I'm sure you have given this a lot of thought, and while I would definitely suggest counseling (either couples or individual), ultimately it is your choice in how you choose to live. I spent 4 years in counseling, sought treatment for anxiety and depression, and did whatever I could to repair my marriage, but at the end of the day, you can't change anyone else, and you have to do what is right for you. In my case, I opted for a 'trial separation'. After just one month of new found freedom, I chose to make it permanent. I am NOT a bad person, I did not FAIL my marriage, and I feel no guilt whatsoever in the choice I made. My son is thriving, I feel and look better than ever, and my depression is completely gone.

Hi M., first I'm so sorry you're going through this. I too have been in a very unhappy relationship and I broke up with him only to find out three months later that I was pregnant. Our son is the best thing that ever happened to me and I tried to make it work a second time... it didn't. The second break up "stuck" why? Because I planned very carefully. When you have your ducks in a row and you have a new job in place, new home with furniture, a PO Box where your mail is going, all your important papers and keepsakes in your new place, etc. You won't be so quick to miss what you had and start to confuse it with missing your husband. Think VERY carefully about whether this is truly what you want since you don't want to uproot your daughter if it isn't. If it is, then start setting up your new life now so the transition is as seemless as possible. It is amazing how much better I sleep in my own bed now. If you ever need to talk or vent you can call me at ###-###-####.

hi M.,

My first question would be, do you fear for your safety?? if so , you need to leave now and not wait.. i was in an abusive relationship and tried to wait until I was "financially capable". It only got orse. I ended up calling my mom and she came and got me.
Unfotunately, I don't have any other advice except to do what you feel will make you happy. YOU are more important b/c if you're not happy then it's hard to help make ur kids happy...

Good luck,

L.

Good

WOW! That sounds rough. I have been there though. Never married but in a realtionship for 6 years. We moved in together after a year. I have a daughter and her had two. After a while the relationship started to drwon me and he was unhealthy for me and the role of what a women should be treated like. I was not a giving the girls a good role to look at. Eventually I knew enough was enough. Unfortunately, there is no plan. There is no right way to do it. Unfortunately he is again manipulating you. You don't need to explain anything to him. He will not understand why you feel the way you do because that means he would have to accept something is wrong. I wish you well, only you know what you need to do. You just have to commit and just go. It seems like you are doing the right thing. It will be hard, it will be unfamiliar and it will be scary. Yes you will be sad but look at it this way. You can be miserable with him or without him. Without him you can work to make yourself happy. With him, you'll be in the same situation you are in now. Good luck and best wishes.

first off, there has to be a reason why you got to this point of leaving your husband.. you just didn't wake up one day and say i want to leave,.. something happened during the lifespan of your marriage that made you have these feeling of resentment towards your husband.. i have been married to my husband for 5 years now we met when we were both 19 yrs old , so that make me 24, we have two boys ages 4 and 1. i went thru a situation where I felt like i didn't love my husband.. i tried to leave him so many times but my heart didn't want to let go completely.. After alot of soul searchin and seeking GOD.. i found that I truly do love him and that love is just not a feeling it also is action.. This was lil under a year ago I tried leaving him.. I started to develope a relationship with GOD and it showed me how to love another person.. I knew that I loved my husband at one time or else i wouldn't have married him to begin with.. These are a few point to ponder...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

When i see this i think of my actions toward how i treat my husband not how he treats me.. This here a true meaning of my love for my husband.. I am not saying that I don't struggle every now and then but I do know that GOD does honor marriage.. I will pray for you.. I am here if you need a friend..

So how long have you felt this way? Are you sure it's definitely not a phase? What about counseling? But if your mind is set, there is no need to prolong it. What about a separation? This way you can have your own space and really know if this is what you really want.

M.,

He doesn't get it because you are still there, your words to not match your actions. You give in and sleep with him. This is telling him that you still have feelings for him. Until you walk out the door he is going to be this way. Now if you choose to leave you better make sure it's for good or you will just make it worse for yourself. If you don't love him then you have to go. You can't force him out. This is your decision. You are the one that will have to leave.

Make sure that your daughter is not getting put into the middle of all this. She is going to have a hard time with it too.

Good luck and stick to your guns.

L. C
Personal Nutritionist
www.Herbalmom.com

My advice is try to remember why you married him. Everyday pick something you do like about him and be gratful for it. Having gratitiude in your life is a huge step in personal happiness. Even if it's not something we want to be thankful for. If you have any wish to save your marriage at all then try this. Such as-I am tahnkful he gave me three beautiful children, he was a loving father etc. Marriage is the hardest vocation in life. Everyday it's a struggle and that means it will be better when we get through each rough patch. Be gratful for something about him everyday.

My mother left my father after 17 years of marriage. It is not easy because you do love the other person just not in the "in love" way. People fall in and out of love all the time, it just happens. Love changes over time. I think you should just leave because the longer you stay the more hope he will have that you still love him and he'll still hope to work things out. Guys know how to separate sex from their actual feelings, so just because your not sleeping with him doesn't mean he thinks it over. I think you should leave ASAP (don't wait for summer) just go. The longer you stay the longer it will take him to accept the situation when you finally leave.

M.,
I understand what you are going through because I have gone through the same experience with the father of my son. Although we never married, he still believed we were together after breaking up with him a year before. We didn't live together in that time either but it is similar to your situation because he couldn't accept it. He says that I am going through a phase and that I will get back with him sometime. So, what I am trying to say is that you may never convince and that is ok because as long as you are convinced within yourself that it is over then that is all you need. You can't control what another person feels inside. So, my suggestion is to pack up and leave immediately. Do you have family you can stay with or friends until you can get into your own place? Sometimes when you are in a more relaxed atmosphere you tend to think and plan your life better. God bless you and good luck. (P.S. when I called it quits and left...it was not planned)

Dear M.,

When I was in your predicament, I finally told my husband that we couldn't live together anymore, and that he needed to move - I don't know how I got him to do it, but I said also that it would be a trial separation. And eventually he did move, and I stayed in the house. I don't know it is just the hardest thing in the world to do. Even though I was the one who wanted a divorce, I cried for a whole week, day and night. I continued to go to work, and do whatever it was that I had to do, wearing dark glasses when I was in public.

So, do a lot of praying, ask for advice, and ask him if he wants counseling, he will say no, of course. Also, my husband wanted sex allll of the time, and didn't want to leave. I think that this communication problem that men have is hurting a lot of them and they are too stubborn and proud to admit it and do something about it.

Well, good luck, C. N.

Hi M.!

I am 23 yrs old.. and in 2005 I was married to my husband for almost 5 yrs.. Well he was doing thing behind my back.. never home.. Left me to raise my daughter.. He would go to work but would have fun on the side. that was going on since 2002.. So 2005 I was sleeping on the couch.. never did anything with him.. So oct 2005 I decided that me and my daughter was gonna leave and I didnt care how it was gonna affect him.. I resented him sooo much and I literally hated him.. Well when I left we came out here to California.. I was living in Indiana at the time.. So we was seperated for 3 months.. and so we decided to work our marriage out... So Jan 2006 he came out here.. and now we just celebrated our 6 yr wedding anniversary at the beginning of March.. Yes I still dont trust him.. Im very cautious bout things.. But now he wont have a chance for single life cuz now I have another baby.. that i just had this yr.. If need be I would try a seperation.. cuz to me I could not just throw away almost 5 yrs of marriage.... way to long.

I'm sorry to tell you this but it sounds like he still loves you too much to let you go. In my opinion, I would do it as quickly as possible. Get a job, get a place to live, and make sure you are talking to your children about it. Then just continuesly tell him I'm sorry but I can't seem to love you in that way anymore. I hope this helps you out. Good Luck.

Hi M.,

As long as you are still there he doesnt believe you that you dont want to with him any longer. He believes you are still very dependent on him for a place to stay, food, and extra money that he brings in. Make sure you have everything in place before you move and then just DO IT! Have you contacted a lawyer? That would be a good place to start. File for child support and alimony (in CA if you have been married for 10 or more years, whoever makes more is entitled to pay alimony to the other spouse if they file for it.) I am assuming he makes more, b/c I know preschool teachers dont make all that much money. Why is it you have to wait until summer? Is the new place far away from where you are living now? If you are that serious, you will get everything ready NOW and move out before summer is over. My sister in law witht through this and her husband didnt get either. She had to put her house up for sale for him to get it and he didnt leave until he had to according to real estate papers. You have to also consider your younger daughter, she sees and hears everything. Good Luck to you!

M.,I know it's hard, I would not try to tell him that you are leaving, I would just leave when you have everything ready to go, and then when you have left, then maybe he will get the hint then, if you aren't happy, then you need to leave so you can be happy again. My name is Noelle, and I will be praying for you, I live in stockton, ca, you can call me anytime, ###-###-####, take care and god bless.

Hi M.. My name is J.. I am a bit younger than you, but have been with my husband for 10 yrs as well. We separated a few years back and were getting divorced at one time, although we are back together now, I completely understand how you feel. I went through the exact same thing. I don't have too much advice for you, except if you know you are ready to leave, do not let him talk you out of it. You sound miserable in your email & if you are as unhappy as your words are, then it's really time for a change. If you would ever like to talk, vent, ect please feel free to contact me. I live in the Hemet area & a stay at home mom, so I am usually available.

Hope to talk to you soon.

You will be in my thoughts.

J. Thomas

Hi M.,

well I have to tell you this is going to be very hard thing to do. But my question is why do you really want to leave your husband in the first place. Is he that bad you really got to think in all the things you have been with him 10 years is a long time. I'm not telling you to not leave him but if you don't love or care for him anymore. I think you should move on just think about all the 10 years you have been with him. How many time have you been happy and how many times have you been unhappy. I'll tell you about me I left my 1st husband because he was a drunk and was never at home. Also he always was very Physical abusive & V/abusive. Sooo I was like you for a year 1/2 I was sleeping in my son's room and did not what to ever have sex with him. His family always got into the problems. So I sed thats it i'm leaving so one day he got up to go to work. He gave me a kiss good bye. He sed I'll be home to go out to dinner I sed ya ya what ever. As soon as he left my 2 brothers came over I got what I could get just to survive (it was not much) & I left for good. He came home to fine that I was not there anymore to take his sh&**. He called me over and over to go back home but like you sed there is nothing left for use. after 8 moths he got the pic. He left me do my life but it was very hard to start over in life. Now I'm ok but very happy I did what i did. My son is sooo happy now that he can smile and be a real kid. All I'm saying is think really good what you really want in life & if you have the right place to go to. Also if you will be ok in $$$$. One very important advice you have to think in your children first always because they hurt more then use. Need to get counseling for you and your children you just need to or you will see that the children will take out there anger in many different ways. You don't want that so I wish you the best if you ever need to talk or need any I&R I'm always happy to help you I'm a SocialWorker/Counelor.

M.

Have you actually told your husband why you don't want to be with him? If so, keep telling him, he will eventually get it. If he doesn't believe you, he will when you are gone. If not, do so. You turning him down for sex may not get the right message accross.

Most importantly, what exactly do you want from him? Personally, if you are that determined to leave, you would not worry about if he "doesn't get it", because you know you are going to leave him. By you saying you want to "convince him" that's telling me you want him to acknowledge your separation or divorce, therefore you may not be as eager to leave as you think you are.

Just remember, God before all, then you then your children. If you are not happy and you are absolutely certain that your relation can no longer work, do what you feel is necessary. Mommy has to have a since of mind when raising a child (especially when you reach those teenage years). Don't worry if he "doesn't get it", keep reminding him why you feel the way you feel. May be he'll start to change before you leave. :)

Hope everything goes in your favor.