Husaband Has Short-temper

Updated on May 07, 2008
L.H. asks from Roselle, IL
66 answers

My husband and I have a four-week old daughter (our first child). He's madly in love with her when she's sleeping or eating. But when night-time comes and she becomes cranky and cries/screams, he loses his temper. He ends up yelling at her to "Shut up" and when I try to help him, he yells at me that he thinks I don't trust him with her. He's always had a temper issue, though he has never physically done anything to me or anyone else. It's not that I don't think he will hurt hurt, but yelling at a four-week old doesn't make her stop crying. Then I just end up crying, which makes him more mad (he's convinced I'm suffering from post-partum, but hello, he is the reason I cry). He can't deal with her crying for more than 20 minutes. I'm almost afraid to leave him alone with her. I've tried talking to him about it and he gets very defensive.
Any suggestions on how to help him cope better? I realize that having a child is a huge life-altering experience. But I am dealing with it the best that I can and want him too also. Besides, I don't want our daughter growing up knowing her dad as the 'mean guy that yells'.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thanks for all the responses. Things are better. My husband is going for counseling. And we're finally figuring out the baby and her schedule, which helps.

Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.D.

answers from Chicago on

WOW I know exactly what you are going thru!!!! I lived on egg shells for three years. Finaly we left him. Now we are going to counceling He had a mental shut down. I didn't even know he had stress. I was so cought up in the nightmare I was living that I didn't even know he was starring in his own nightmare. GET HELP!!! Whats the worst thing that could happen?? YOU COULD BE HAPPY!!! L. D

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.A.

answers from Chicago on

Okay so why is he getting up with her??? Does he think yelling at her will make her stop? Has it worked thus far?

When my oldest was born she was very cranky. She didn't sleep well and I was very sleep deprived. I on an occasion or two lost my temper and would yell and my daughter like it was going to help. My husband would come in and intervene and I would get mad but in the morning I was thankful. It only happened a few times, but I was tired. I always felt terrible in the morning.

You are right to ask him to stop yelling at her. I don't care how old they are, they become immune to the yelling and really it doesn't affect them at all after awhile. I learned that from nine years in a classroom.

Maybe sit down with him and tell him that he needs to save the yelling for when it is really important. You know like if he ever catches her smoking or sneaking out of the house. He needs to deal with her in a calm, respectful manner or she will think that is how you deal with problems. She will grow up yelling at him.

I wish you luck.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.B.

answers from Chicago on

L., your husband needs professional help IMMEDIATELY. Don't want to even imagaine what he will do when she gets a little older. Temper is not the word for it. He is down right abusive. And don't think that she is not being affected now, she is. HE IS ABUSING HER NOW!

If you live in the northerN suburbs of Chicago, I know some excellent therapists. You can privately email me at ____@____.com

M. Binder
Former Professional Counselor

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.W.

answers from Chicago on

L., this is a very common thing among fathers. I know many, many loving fathers who just can't take the crying. My husband was one of them (not nearly so much with baby #3).

I'm not saying that he's right, but he isn't alone in how he feels. Now, I can't condone the yelling shut up at a 4 week old, but men are programed differently than we are.

Now that that's said... You had a baby 4 weeks ago and sister, you are seriously hormonal. I've been there 3 times and I know. Everything is out of whack for you right now and having your dh yell and your baby isn't helping you.

Having a new baby is super stressful for both parents. But even more so for you. You're body has been through so much and it's going to take some time. I think you need to ask yourself, are you over sensitive right now? Is it normal for you to cry in this type of situation?

I'm not trying to place the blame on you but to help you see the situation clearly.

Addressing something like this shouldn't happen during one of her crying jags. It's already a tense situation and he obviously feels defensive. The best time to bring it up is in the light of day when everyone is sane.

You two need to get on the same page. Sit him down and tell him that you realize that the night time crying is h*** o* him. Ask him what you can do to make things smoother for him. I know this may sound like you're accepting the blame. You're not. What you're doing is opening the door to conversation instead of making him feel like he's being attacked. It took me several years to figure out this approach with my DH and it works.

Once you get the conversation going, calmly explain your concerns. He needs to know that you know that he loves his daughter but what's happening right now just isn't working. Yelling at her won't make her stop. Talk about ways to soothe her and calm her.

Talk about boundaries, as well. What you both feel is appropriate things to say to the baby. He can always do what my dad did. In the sweetest, nicest voice, sing my sister horrible things. I know it may sound horrible but think of the lyrics to rock a bye baby. Those lyrics were from one frustrated new parent. All my sister understood was the voice, not the words. She was happy, he got to let off some steam.

The thing is, the more you make him out to be the big bad monster, the more defenisive he'll get. I've been a first time Mom and know what it's like to hover. But , he has to learn as well. Asking him if he needs anything when the baby's crying or offering to take her if he's reached his limit is one thing. Getting in the middle when he's trying to deal with the situation isn't going to get you two anywhere. If he declines your help, as hard as it may be, you have to walk away. If he is as good with her during daylight hours as you say, you're daughter isn't going to grow up thinking he's a monster. OTOH, he needs to figure out when he's reached the end of his rope and to call in the cavalry (you).

He needs your support, not your critisism. But he needs to understand what the postpartum period is like. I'm not a crier. But the months after my baby's birth, I was very emotional. I would mist up at commercials (that's not me) It's important that you both understand where you're coming from.

If all else fails, let him know that in even though you want to be supportive of him, that you're a team, you will NOT tolerate him yelling at the baby. It's one thing to be frustrated, it's quite another to take it out on the baby. Offer to help him come up with ways to handle it, or let him work it out himself. But that is crossing the line and at that point you will step in.

Good luck. It will get better. These first few weeks are some the hardest and most insane. Once the baby starts to settle down more and sleep more at night, things won't be as bad.

Good luck with your new baby. I know that everything will be fine.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.V.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.,

First I want to say how sorry I am that you are dealing with a "yeller". I have a ton of sympathy for you. My husband is a "yeller".

There are a few points I'd liked to make-

I have been married for 14 years. The yelling really didn't start until we had children. In my family we hardly ever yelled. Our house was pretty quiet. If there was yelling it was because mom or dad was REALLY mad.

In my husbands house, he grew up with a single mom-who was very young when she had him- There was tons of yelling. In fact, my mother-in-law yells now and it drives me nuts. It's constant noise when we are at her house.

It finally got so bad I told my husband that I had had enough and that I was leaving. We had had MANY conversations, discussions etc about the yelling. He would tell me that he didnt want to yell but he just got so aggrivated that he couldnt help it.

The yelling would make my son nervous and then he would act up. It was a terrible cycle. There was no way I was having our child grow up in a house like this. The yelling would make me nervous too.

I bought many books and the last book I bought made some really good points about parent's that yell.

Please discuss this with your husband- And please believe me- The older your child gets the more your husband will yell. And if you have more children it will still go on.

My husband finally believes me that our son will remember this when he is older. This isn't how my husband wants to be remembered- My husband has had to change his ways. It hasn't been easy but it's been worth it.

Tell your husband that you don't want your child to remember him like that, is this the kind of house you want your child to grow up in? Tell him anything, but if you don't see improvement soon, please give him an ultimatum.

He either needs to straighten up and STOP the yelling or he needs to leave. It's not good for you or the baby.

One other thing I wanted to say- I don't know how long you have been married- but if you were married a while before you had a child that might be part of the problem too. We were married for 8 years before we had our first. It's a MAJOR adjustment. Maybe he really does need time- but telling a baby to shut up is just wrong.

I really hope you are able to get in your husband's head and make him change his ways. If you have to guilt him- do that. He is SO blessed with a daughter- A baby that he adores and loves should not be talk to like that.

I hope this info helps you.

Oh- one more thing- You may have a mild case of PPD. I did- It was enough to make me cry etc. If the crying doesn't stop soon, please talk to your dr.

I know it's tough- Hang in there.

MV

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

W.C.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.,

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. I have two children, and know how frustrating caring a newborn can be. Your husband NEEDS help. Take his behavior VERY seriously. Quite honestly, I wouldn't allow him to be alone with the baby until he can control his temper. The first thing I thought of when I read your message was SBS (Shaken Baby Syndrome). Here is a link with some info.: http://aboutshakenbaby.com/default.htm
I'm not saying your husband is a bad person, or that he would intentionally hurt your daughter. Babies that have died from being shaken had parents that would never intentionally hurt them.
Maybe your OB/GYN, or Pediatrician can recommend a professional for your husband to talk to. Like I said, i'm sure your husband isn't a bad person. Calmy tell him that you are concerned, and that he needs help. Your daughter is only 4 weeks old. Things will start to get better, but quite honestly, it may get worse before it gets better. Neither one of my children would sleep for more than 2 hours at a time for the first three months. Please do what you have to do to protect your daughter. Get your husband some help. Good luck, and please keep us updated!
~Wendy

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.G.

answers from Chicago on

I realize the opinion I have after reading this is based on only part of the story. HOWEVER, I feel fear after reading your post. How could anyone yell at a 4-week old? This is not a 4-YEAR-old that is refusing to go to sleep...it's a newborn. I'd say this is a serious issue and is going to harm his bonding with your daughter. Do you want her to grow up in fear of him or respecting him? Perhaps demanding counseling (anger management or regular) or he has to stay elsewhere or something may be the only way. It also greatly concerns me that you sound afraid of his temper. If you are afraid of his temper, I'd guess you and the baby need to get out of there. Your daughter is now counting on you for everything and that includes protecting her and giving her the best life you possibly can. Being a mom is the most important job you will EVER have. Those don't sound like post-partum tears.

In the end it's none of my business, but having been in an abusive relationship in the past (before being a mom), I have a lot of concern regarding what you wrote.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.A.

answers from Chicago on

L., There is no quick fix for your husband's temper problem. Start by reading a book called, A Lasting Promise: A Guide to Fighting for your Marriage. It will help you approach your husband about his outbursts with your baby in a ways that he might respond to less defensively. Hopefully, you can move towards going through the book together and maybe even seek counseling as a couple.
In the short term, find a time to talk to your husband when your baby is sleeping and both you and he are relaxed. While it doesn't justify his behavior , men are problem-solvers. He may see his inability to comfort his daughter as a failure on his part. In a noncritical way let him know that it is not his fault when she cries and if he has tried everything he can think of to help her then he should just hold her so she knows that he loves her and he won't leave her. Take 10 minute turns when your daughter is like this so niether of you gets overwhelmed.
Also, if she's crying more at night, try having your baby sleep on your chest or next to you. Feed her when she cries. A four-week-old needs hours of mother contact every day and round the clock feedings. You can't spoil a four-week-old.

J.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.J.

answers from Chicago on

Honey, listen, get your stuff and go. I don't care if you have to go to a shelter. He will not change with you in the house. He IS going to get worse. Not if, but when he does, you will be sorry you didn't intervene. Don't leave him forever, just until he agrees that he need counseling and you with him. He cannot yell at a baby. It's nuts!!! I know you love him, don't stop. But the only way this man will understand that he has a problem is if you go and tell him to get help and you will come back. Go with him to counseling, but go. Don't let this get worse. PLEASE.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.J.

answers from Chicago on

I'm sorry that this new happy addition has been hit with a pretty big bump in the road. Any grown adult that thinks yelling at a four-week old is helpful needs professional help, or at least a conversation with another new father or perhaps a church pastor. This type of behavior shows one's immaturity and unfortunately it can escalate. It doesn't help to make excuses for this behavior. Of course, everyone loves babies when they are sleeping or happily playing or eating. The true test of a loving parent is how they behave when a child is at its worst, whining, crying, and throwing a tantrum. I have beaten myself up emotionally so many times when I have raised my voice to my children or just lost it over something that just didn't matter in the long run. I soon realized it is better to walk away to another room when I am upset or go for a walk and come back later. It is better to leave a crying baby in her crib safely than to be screaming in her face. There are plenty of tools he can be taught to deal with his anger issues. Turn up the music and dance with a crying baby or take the whole family for a ride in the car to calm her down. This new little girl is an adventure and life will change, but for the better. Let him know that saying "Shut up" to an infant is totally unacceptable and he shouldn't be surprised when she is telling everyone to "Shut up" when she begins to talk. We are their examples. Good Luck from one stressed out mother to another.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.C.

answers from Chicago on

L., you are a new mom and a hero for bringing this beautiful miracle into the world. Don't let anyone tell you differently. These moms are right... removing yourself and your daughter from the situation would be best. Even if it meant moving to your parents or friends house for a while until you figured it out. Focus on giving your love and attention to your child... stressing about your husband has to be overwhelming. Get to a safe (quiet)place, get him and both of you counseling if it's salvagable and if it's meant to be it will.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.A.

answers from Chicago on

Lots of options.
I am writing because my husband has never been the compasionate one. He does not yell but acts very uncaring when the kids get up in the night or are sick. He gets upset that his sleep has been distrubed. Believe me it makes me very angry and I use to cry about it.
When the kids were babies I set up a bed in their room and would sleep in their if I thought we would have a bad night. I just did it myself and let him sleep. Some men I think are just more accepting of their life changing then others. I never felt that my husband would hurt my children just that he would say "go back to bed" and not what is the matter. We would have fights about his gruf nature and it just got us no where. So my advice would be that when the baby crys go to her room and rock her and sing or whatever helps and let your husband have time with her when we is happy and playing.
My husband did have one "temper tantrum" about 3 years ago where he knocked over my daughters swing in anger and the batteries came flying out on the floor by my feet. For this I sent him to a hotel for a week. Then we signed up for counseling and have been going ever since - for one reason or another. It has helped get your feelings out. Maybe your husband yells because he is scared that something is wrong and he can't help her settle down. It may help to find out what he is feeling.
I hope everything works out and give yourself some quite time to bond with the baby.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.H.

answers from Chicago on

That is a scary story, you're very brave to tell the truth and seek help now. Your tiny baby doesn't deserve to be yelled at. Of course it sounds like he needs to makes changes in himself as to how he reacts to things that annoy or frustrate him. Show me someone who doesn't have hardship or difficulty in their life? It's all about learning to choose how we react to stressful situations so that we can become a better person. For my husband and myself, having a baby has helped us do that more than anytime before. I'm very lucky that my husband is the kind of person who strives to fix something about himself if he knows he can do better.

If your husband is getting angry at a defenseless brand new baby, it frightens me to think what he might be like when she is a toddler and getting into everything. Would he be open to counseling? He needs some coping strategies, and fast!! Blaming it on your "post-pardem" is BS, he needs to take responsibility. He also needs to know that even though your baby is a newborn, she can hear tone in your voices. Good luck to you, I hope he will get the message soon.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.M.

answers from Chicago on

yelling at a baby is definitely illogical. it isn't as if she can understand it and she only cries as it is her only way of communicating.
It is a little alarming that you are worried about leaving her with him. I imagine he won't take kindly to this suggestion but it sounds as if he needs counseling. In fact, maybe you both need it. If you are affiliated with a church, they often have counseling or there are other resources as well for professional counseling. Having a new baby is definitely life altering and it sounds as if your husband is having difficulty adjusting. If he has had anger issues for some time or even if the are new with this baby, it would be best to enlist professional help. Failing that is there anyone in your family that he is close to that could assist?
Do you yourself have a support system? I would reach out to some of my support system whether family or friends. having a new baby can be very isolating but yet you need support. If things get worse, you should develop a plan for what you would do. The Illinois domestic violence hotline is 877-863-6338 and they can help even with issues that do not involve physical violence. the very best of luck to you.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.S.

answers from Chicago on

I can definitely identify; I had the same problem when my son was first born. My husband also very short tempered and extremely cranky when tired. I don't know what your work situation is, but for us, it was just easier for me to deal with the nighttime stuff & let him sleep. I put a bed in our baby's room so I could sleep there & yes, I slept there for about 4 months. Not the greatest for the sex life, but honestly I was too tired for that anyway. And yes, I felt a resentful that he was getting all the sleep and I was doing all the work, but at that time in my life it was just easier than having an argument about it. Also, I found men don't handle things well when they are insecure about their abilities. The more confident your husband gets about being a dad, the better he'll cope. It takes time but it does get better!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.R.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.,
I know the first few weeks after having a baby is very challenging and I think even more so for a new Dad. With a new baby it is very easy to focus all of our attention on the baby and in a way forget about our husbands needs. For myself and my husband this was the case. My husband felt neglected and at times useless and many other emotions. So there was a lot of tention between us. So maybe you could talk to your husband during a time when your baby is napping about how he is feeling and focus on doing something special for him. Express to him how it makes you feel when he tells your baby to shut up and the concerns you have for the way she is going to view him. Some great advise I was given and I'll pass onto you is that Fathers need their own way of parenting. This advise kept me from nagging my husband about not doing this right or that right or really not the way I think it should be done when it came to the care of our daughter. I know it is easier said then done, I bit my tongue often. I'm saying this to suggest that if you do tend to nag which maybe you don't but to leave that for big things like this when he is yelling and telling her to shut up. I know one thing that helps me is prayer and I think it would be great for you and your husband to get some counseling. Your husband might be more excepting of how he needs to change his temper from someone outside of the situation in which post-partum can't be to blame. I hope this is all helpful and that you and your husband do get the help that is needed.
Take care
C.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.E.

answers from Chicago on

Yes, he has some anger issues and he does need to seek some therapy. Often the one who needs the therapy does get very defensive because they do not think they are doing anything wrong. No I would not leave the baby alone with him, even if he is the father. I have heard of fathers hurting their child because they wet their diaper and started to cry.
If you have a large enough home try getting as far away as possible when the baby is fussing.
People with anger issues or even road rage can snap at any time. You could suggest couples counseling by saying this is for your nerves and easing in to his issues also.
If cost is a problem, Many catholic social services offer free or almost free counseling (you do not need to be catholic) Also most family alliance services offer free services. If you attend a church you could talk to your Pastor, Reverend or Priest for some advice.

Best of Luck. Children are a Blessing...

T.S.

answers from Chicago on

You are both going through some MAJOR changes in your home, not too mention being sleep deprived. Men have very different ways of dealing with stress and most often lash out when they feel out of control. I am sure he is very frustrated because this is new and scary for him and he does not know how to help her. Most men are solvers and he can't solve this one, making him feel almost as helpless as her. Some advice from mom to mom. Let him do his best taking care of her, changing and feeding her. Don't stand over his shoulder with suggestions of how to do things your way, unless he asks. It doesn't matter how he changes a diaper, as long as it's done, RIGHT? I would also step into a situation when you feel he may have a short fuse. Kindly say, I know it's frustrating when she cries. That's just what babies do. Why don't you go take a break and let me try.
I am sure you need a break too, but for the well being of your daughter, it is best if you take the lead. Try to compliment him on the things he does right and let him know how grateful you are to have him. Try your best to work together!
Best of luck! I will pray for you.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.A.

answers from Chicago on

Been there! Our daughter is now 5 1/2 mos. old and I have learned that it is less stressful (though exhausting) that I just take care of her and he take care of the 2 year old at night. I was getting quite upset and frustrated at the things that would come out of his mouth. He offered to stay home with her overnight while my other daughter and I went to the waterpark and I told him no I didn't want to put her through that so of course I suffered but wanted what was best for the little one. Oh all the things us mommy's do! Though taking all the responisbility is A LOT, it is worth it sanity wise for all involved. It does get better and easier, hang in there! Good luck. I know exactly what that is like!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.H.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L., my husband is a therapist here in Crystal Lake and has helped others with anger issues (you may want some help for yourself as well). We also have 2 young children, so he knows how tough having a newborn is. You can call him at ###-###-#### Dan Hanneman.

All the best,
D.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.G.

answers from Chicago on

Please get into good counseling as soon as possible.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.S.

answers from Chicago on

You're perfectly right to feel the way you feel. It's stressful being in a situation where someone is yelling. And a baby isn't crying b/c she wants to piss someone off, she's hurting or hungry or tired or wet or something along that line.
Try Rescue Remedy -- it's homeopathic which is a natural form of medicine that's been practiced for over 200 yrs and works w/o side effects. If he starts yelling b/c he's stressed out, this remedy helps to calm the nerves. It's not like 'drugs' but helps the body get back into balance a little bit. You can take it when your nerves are shot, too. Even the baby that is out of control screaming.

If this doesn't work out, seeing a professional homeopathic Dr. can help try to get his temper more under control. We see Dr. Polich at Dupage Homeopathic Ctr in Naperville (www.dupagehomeopathic.com). You can email her to see if homeopathy can help him or if it s/b cared for more by a counselor.

Best wishes to you and congrats on your new little girl.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

W.P.

answers from Chicago on

Well I am probably repeating what has already been said but look at it this way-if your husband is reacting this way to a tiny baby who can't in any way control her behavior how will he respond when the baby becomes a child who can actually be defiant etc.? Your husband has a real problem and needs professional help. You need to tell him so. Tell him you are afraid to leave him with the baby and this is freaking you out. Yes you can go to therapy together initially but I assure you he will need his own time. Let him know in a loving and supportive but firm way that you are thinking of what is best for him as well as yourself and of course your baby. Don't let him squirm out of this and if necessary enlist the help of a therapist first yourself as to strategies on how to get him in. Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.L.

answers from Chicago on

It is completely normal to be stressed out by your new schedule and your new way of life. No one ever teaches us or could truly prepare us for how we're going to feel after we actually have our new baby. We cannot always control how a baby is reacting. Crying is a normal thing for babies to do. It is their only form of communication at such a young age. It is difficult to have a new schedule and a new life to adjust to, for everyone in the family. Understanding, knowing, and expecting a baby to eat, cry, and soil their diapers is basically a baby's entire schedule for their first few months of life. As long as the baby has a clean diaper and is not hungry, there are few things to do to make a baby stop crying. However, choosing our reaction is most important instead of our letting our emotions and our reactions choose us. I'm sure you have absolutely nothing to worry about in leaving your baby with your husband. However, a small reminder for yourself and for your husband is that we can choose the way we react to our baby. Getting upset only makes us angry and makes the baby cry even more. Babies can sense our energy. They are very empathic.
I hope I have given you some help and that I haven't rambled on too much.
Know that every new mom experiences this same sitatuation. You are not alone.
Much Love,
Danya

www.DanyaMotivates.com

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.E.

answers from Chicago on

If you have a good pediatrician, make sure you both go to the next appointment and let the doc coach you. Although we didn't have this exact problem, our pediatrician coached on well (together!) on many other topics. Yelling is definitely counter-productive and you need to put an end to that adult behaviour for the sake of your baby. Best of luck to you!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.T.

answers from Chicago on

In order for him to get help, he needs to admit he has a problem and he does. Losing his temper and yelling is not right and to do it at 4 week old baby is cause for major concern. I would strongly suggest the two of you find a social worker or therapist that can help you deal with his anger issues. Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.M.

answers from Chicago on

L., I really feel for you and your sweet little baby girl. It sounds like your husband needs some therapy. Theres obviously something that he is feeling really angry about. It should not be taken out on you or your 4 week old baby ! Yes a baby is a life altering event that can be very stressful but it should not be taken out on a poor helpless little child. It sounds like there are definately some anger issues going on with him. I wouldn't leave the baby with him either. If you do have another baby with him. How would he be with a newborn and a toddler ? Thats double stress, that might put him over the edge. Just something to think about. Usually if people get defensive and blame YOU for it then they truly are the ones with the problem. This is not you or your sweet babys fault. HE is the one with the problem. Get him some help or get away before you are walking on eggshells all the time. Good luck to you I will say a little prayer for you and your baby.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.W.

answers from Chicago on

Maybe you two can take a parenting class together so he won't feel like he's the problem. Sometimes we don't know how to deal with new situations which come into our lives, and so we react to those situations by the only means we know. Maybe he was yelled at all the time as a child. His frustrations could be deeper than meets the eye.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.

answers from Chicago on

I think we understand that women go through emotional and mental upheaval after a baby comes, but have very little sympathy for dads, who are feeling a lot of the same stress, plus they have no control over the situation at all. They are supposed to just "be supportive" and there's no problem they can "fix," but [sometimes] their wives are unhappy and babies are screaming. You hope they would be mature enough to suck it up, but humans are flawed. It doesn't mean they can't learn to step up to the plate.

I would advise that you try to discuss it at a quiet time. Don't take a blaming approach. Think of it as a big change and challenge that is hard for both of you and a challenge you can face together without accusations. But you have a right to be heard and to ask for changes. He has a right to feel panicked and helpless and angry, but he doesn't have a right to shout or to belittle you for being weepy.

Ideally he can identify some of the stress triggers he can avoid (for example, it's stressful to hold the baby the minute he walks through the door, or it's stressful not to know what to do when the baby cries and he just needs some tips, that type of thing.) You want him to agree to try to change his behavior and realize that it's important, but you also want to be understanding of his stress and approach all of this as a problem you can solve together instead of something that will separate you.

That last thought - thinking of challenges as problems to face together - was the theme of our entire first year of parenting (we had different problems, but the idea is the same.) It's hard to see that your partner is also suffering when you're hurting (and it sounds like both of you are having a lot of stress - but he's shouting and you're crying to express it.)

I know it's early, but try to find a babysitter and get an hour or two away as a couple. Good luck! It will get better.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.K.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L., I think your instincts are right on track. Trust them. If you are concerned that his anger is out of control, then trust that concern. You have good reason to be concerned. It is understandable that he has trouble dealing with a crying baby when you are a new parent - it was hard for my husband and I as well. But like you said, screaming at the child is not going to make it stop. Not to mention that it is normal at this age. So my advice would be to encourage him to take a "time-out" himself when he feels his anger bubbling over to the point that he needs to yell. He can take a walk or go to another part of the house to cool down. He will need to learn to tolerate her crying, and this may be hard for him, but it is essential that he find ways to cope. He may be overly stressed or tired and needs to take care of himself without taking it out on you or the baby. Please take care of yourself and trust your instincts. Seek help outside of your family if you need to.
All the best,
A.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.L.

answers from Chicago on

Find a safe place to go stay for a while and leave him until he can get help for his temper issues. DO NOT let your child grow up like that. His yelling at her this early in life WILL leave permanent scars on her emotionally. Four months old is far too young for him to be displaying this kind of temper tantrum toward his child. He could easily harm her w/out meaning to. I know being a parent is stressful, but it just gets more so [at times] as they get older. [Mine are 5, almost 3, and 13 months]. Do not let him continue this any longer. Trust me, it will just harm his relationship w/her as she gets older.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.W.

answers from Chicago on

I really dont have any advice but I wanted to offer my suppoort to you. I am a first time mother of an eight month old boy and we live in naperville. I went through post partum and I know how stressful it is being a first time mom. I work part time so Iam available during the week and on weekend if you ever need someone to talk to or even some help please call me. We could get together and have a mom and babies day. please call Nicki ###-###-####

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.S.

answers from Chicago on

I haven't even read the other 42 suggestions but I experienced the same thing with my first husband. Notice I said first husband. I even went on to have another child with my first husband. It made me crazy but I hung in there for 11 years. Some things don't really change. In others they do. You can go to counseling, (I did), he can get anger management (he has to want to)but there are two of you and you can't be the only one emotionally available to your child. He isn't available to either one of you and he sounds a little jealous, too. Try all those things, the counseling, etc. He doesn't sound like you can sit down and talk to him very easily. So try to talk about it, but if he cannot respond in his heart to the needs of a crying brand new baby and new mother, doesn't sound like even when he has a full night of sleep that he is going to be much better. And you don't want it to escalate.
I have a footnote. I am now married to a very nice man who actually got up with my younger son and let me sleep when he was a baby. I'm not saying that you will leave your husband. But this situation that you are in will continue to hurt unless something is done. If it is only the 4th week and he is telling the baby to shutup then I fear what other surprises are coming down the line.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

E.G.

answers from Chicago on

Why not talk to your pediatrician or the family doc and see what suggestions they may have. This is new to him and some men can't handle a crying baby. Perhaps you can try explaining to him that a 4 week old child doesn't understand him yelling shut up. Also, maybe you can check out why she is crying, is she wet, is she hungry, does she have gas. Some babies go through a crying spell and it takes patience and time. Good luck.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.A.

answers from Chicago on

Believe it or not men also suffer from post partum depression. The first thing that you wrote was that he loves his daughter. Maybe there are other issues that he's unable to handle and it may just be too much for him. Ex: finances, his job, sleep deprivation or even overwhelmness. You should definitely trust your instincts. I'm sure he doesn't mean harm to your baby but the fact that he's unaware of his anger/emotions towards the baby when she cries is a sign that he needs help. Try scheduling an appointment w/your family doctor and see if maybe he can be checked for depression. Hope everything gets better as I'm sure it will w/time. Best of luck.

M. :)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.L.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.,
Your husband has control issues. Most men have some form of control issues, but your husbands is extreme. He looses his temper when he does not have control over a situation. From the sound of it, he also wants to control you. As the baby gets older the worse this problem is going to get. He needs to go to counseling immediately. If he refuses to go, then you need to take yourself & the baby out of this incredibly bad environment. No exceptions. It would be better for the child to be raised by one loving parent than stay in a marriage that is verbally & mentally abusive. You have to be strong for your baby now & think about her well being.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.V.

answers from Chicago on

My husband doesn't have as bad of a temper, but has a problem if I try to tell him his not doing something right. I know it's hard in the moment to remain a calm sane person, but someone needs to talk to him about his behavior. I know my husband wouldn't listen to me either. And when your so sleep deprieved and new to all this as well, it's hard to stand your ground and not take the mean things he says to heart. Maybe there's someone else, his mother or sisters or even a brother, that could talk to him. Not saying that he should know that you've talked about his nasty behavior with other people, but acting as though it's just come up in conversation. Or maybe even a married couple with kids that has gone thru the hardships of a newborn. I tried to reason with my husband and get him to read books about raising a newborn, but that was to no avail. Maybe your husband would be open to reading some books or something on-line that would convince him that this is normal behavior for a newborn. I'm sure he's just overwealmed, as are you, you just handle it better. Then maybe when he gets past this you could try to talk to him calmly about his temper. And I know it's hard, but in the meantime, you have to be the calm person in the house. Maybe a relative or friend could help out a little to alleviate the stress, so that at night it's not a build up. Babies can sense these things so it's also stressing your daughter out. Whatever happens try to stay calm and realize that it's only a short time that they are this little, so try to enjoy it.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.R.

answers from Chicago on

Trust your instincts, do not leave him alone with the baby right now. Read about shaken baby syndrome. The people that do this aren't usually terrible people in general. They just don't have the skills to cope with this situation. Try as hard has you can to get help for your family now. I would try your pediatrician, hospital, county family services. They will all understand and do what they can to help you and your husband. He is not a bad person, but needs a little guidance in this area.

Check out this website:

http://www.dontshake.com/Audience.aspx?categoryID=10&...

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.J.

answers from Chicago on

You need to nip this in the bud and quick. I have four children and I could always tolerat the crying better than my husband. But as they got older and would cry for one thing or another, he startd to blame me. He would say that if I was a better mother, then they wouldn't cry. That they don't cry when he's alone with them. Which to some extent is true. But only because when they cry, he gets angry and either yells or puts them in their rooms. And I mean like the slightest wimper. A sad look. And off they have to go to their room. So they are AFRAID to cry or get upset in front of him. I hate it and I don't know what to do. But part of me thinks that if I would have done something differnt sooner instead of thinking that it would just "work itself out", then my kids wouldn't be subjected to that. In addition to that, this particular topic is a constant hot spot and argument starter for us. Which I'm sure you can imagine, escalates. My advice, don't take this lightly. I'd call and talk to a professional and see what their advice is. I don't mean that he necessarily needs to go to counseling, but we weren't born parents. This is a skill that we have to learn and work towards getting good at. Maybe a parenting class or two that you can attend together. He sounds like he is not the type of guy to sit down and read a parenting book.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.B.

answers from Chicago on

I know you may not even get around to reading this because there have been so many responses, but if you do, please follow your instincts. No matter how stressed your husband gets (and we have ALL been there), there's no reason to yell at an infant whose only means of communication is to cry. My dad was a yeller, and we grew up more afraid of him than respecting him. My husband sometimes gets frustrated with our one year old son and raises his voice to him, and I have to calmy remind him that our son is still learning, and that yelling isn't going to teach him anything. Yelling should be reserved for emergency situations, such as when your child is doing something that puts him/her in danger, or for major transgressions. Not for crying. Get your husband some earplugs, have a serious talk with him, and if he can't get his act together, you need to decide what you want to do. And definitely build a support system for yourself; you need other moms to be around, beyond just an online discussion board. Try www.meetup.com and see if there's a moms group in your area. Best of luck, and take care of yourself.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.G.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.! The first six weeks are by far the hardest for an infant and the parents. Everyone is trying to adjust. You are correct, your husband is wrong to yell at the baby, esp. shut up. While all of you adjust, maybe don't have hubby hold the baby for more than the first ten minutes of a crying jag. I'm guessing it makes him mad whether he is holding the baby or not. Maybe now that the weather is nicer you can take the baby for a walk in the early evening. Trust me that will knock your little one out and she should "sleep like a baby". You do need to have a talk with your hubby. I found the best time to talk to my hubby is during a walk. Maybe the fresh air does something to their brains. My husband is not a walker, but I could always talk him to when I really needed to talk. Try your best not to accuse him, but still let him know how you feel. I know my husband feels useless or a bad father when he can't comfort our kids.
My tip for crying, which is going to happen no matter what, try your best to save it for the shower and then cry away. I give myself ten minutes a day of crying when I need it.
Good luck and don't worry it will get better.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.D.

answers from Springfield on

Forgive me if this comes across harshly, but we're talking about a baby here. Why on earth would you have children (that require TONS) of patience with a man that obviously has none? He refuses to seek help for his temper? Bad sign number 2! I know the crying early on gets quite irritating but never enough to warrant yelling. Maybe you could suggest some cool down exercises with him, such as leaving the room for 5 minutes. In the end, it's up to you to protect your child, and growing up with an angry/yelling parent can have more serious consequences than just being know as the kid with the "mean dad that yells".

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.D.

answers from Chicago on

I did not read the other ocmments but jsut wanted to offer you support. My husband had a hard time adjusting to the new baby and night wakings with crying. He had moment that he was not proud of (no harm done) and would cry about them. I have been there too.

We tried to get our baby on a schedule, used Happiest Baby on the Block, and made a plan before we went to bed everynight about which "shift" each of us would take. This helped when it came to be our turn. I was breastfeeding so he would get up with me until we introduced the bottle and then he would give her one bottle feeding at night so I could have break.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.A.

answers from Chicago on

Yikes, that would totally stress me out too. If you can get your husband to talk to a professional about his anger management that would be a good start. Shouting at an infant is so inappropriate! If he won't see someone, see if he wil accompany you to the pediatrician and then tactfully raise the issue while you are there. Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.F.

answers from Chicago on

Hello!

I think communication is the key to happy and healthy relationship. If you can't get through to him on your own, I strongly suggest a marriage counsler. I know it sounds extreme but it helps get you both on the same page. My hubby and I have been going to one for almost 2 and half years. It started out because we both felt like we weren't hearing each other - It has made our relationship strong, our communication better and thus it's helped with our three month old. Now we just go every few months for "touch ups." Our guy is GREAT!!! Doug Cater 708/383-6585

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.E.

answers from Chicago on

Sorry, but any man who yells at a 4 week old to shut up cannot be trusted with her alone!

Look at the news; I don't care what you think he's like, he has anger issues and that baby will be in danger in her care. DO NOT LEAVE HER ALONE WITH HIM. Angry men shake babies and do all sorts of other things to them.

In fact, you would be doing yourself and your daughter a great service if you would consider leaving him!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.M.

answers from Chicago on

WOW. That is scary. I would be afraid to leave him alone with her too. You hear too often on the news that parents will shake their babies to death because they were trying to make them stop crying. Very scary. I honestly don't know how you put up with him. I would either sign you two up for a parenting class, to help him learn about babies and that it is normal for them to cry. Also I would help him seek counseling and/or anger management classes. Bottom line: he is being verbally abusive to you and your 4 week old daughter (who is doing what she was biologically born to do)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.J.

answers from Chicago on

I think it's best to deal with this right away. Good for you. Follow it through. I think your husband needs to talk to someone and find out how to deal with his frustration over dealing with a crying infant. Just a thought but do any "Super Nanny" books adress that issue? I think he is just frustrated because he doesn't know what to do. He needs to speand time with her so he can know what it takes to soothe her. Start trying that with you home. When he is comfortable with taking care of her needs then you can start for short periods of time leaving them alone. Hang in there. Do something for yourself to help you keep your cool too.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.A.

answers from Chicago on

From what you share I see 2 issues at play here. I believe you are correct in expressing concern over your husband's short-temper. Professional help is a definate course of actions.
In addition, you cold be experiencing some post-partum depression that is compounded by his response to the baby.
My encouragement for you would be that help is available. As soon as possible make an appointment with your GYN or the baby's pediatrician, whomever you fell most comforatable with and can get the quickest appointment. Try to get your husband to come along with you. Then raise the issue there. Share with the doctor, his concern that you have PPD, that the baby "cries too much". Get him to talk about what he percieves to be problematic. Express your own, concerns and let the doctor help you move from there.
A good medical professional will identify the warning signs you have already picked up on and direct you to counseling or parenting classes or something. Just don't leave teh office without some kind of refferal and a commitment from your husband to follow-through.
The future of your family is at stake.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.G.

answers from Chicago on

I feel for your situation. I have been where you are, just like you said nothing physical, but just a real bad temper and verbally abusive. The only thing I can say that made a difference was my belief in God, I did what I could to keep the pressure off him as much as possible and I continued to pray and believe that God could change our situation. From experience I would guess your husband has some deep issues that have never been dealt with that has caused him to be angry and lash out at his family. My real husband was sweet, caring, gentle and protective. This other person was someone I didn't know. So after I tried to do it my way, by trying to be "Super Wife", and that still didn't work,so I gave it to God. And he really did work it out for us. Today are relationship and family is so much better. We have two boys 4 and 2 years old and things aren't perfect, but he is more aware of his temper and can calm down and apoligize if needed, which never happened before. I just continue to pray that the issues that he came to the relationship with can be resolved. We've been married for 8 years now and we've decided to continue on in life with eachother. So, it keeps getting better every year. I hope that this helped you and I just wasn't rambling on. If so thanks for listening.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.B.

answers from Chicago on

Hi, my name is D., I have a 5 yo daughter and I am a alternative healthcare therapist and health coach.

My first concern is to find out if she wants something--take care of those needs--which I am sure you are doing and then if it persist, I would suggest starting with the following:

I would suggest getting some lavender and camomile essential oil or aromatherapy drops, put one drop in 1-3 ozs of baby oil and massage her back and feet with it to help her sleep and/or calm her down. I would also put a few drops in some water and heat it on the stove to make steam or put a few drops in your humidifier (if you have one) to calm your husband and you down.

I can empathize with you and what you are going thru, but unless you want your screaming husband to continue in this unnessary and very harmful way, you will have to take control.

Put a drop of the calming essential oil on a cotton ball, put it on your chest area (away from your daughter's head) and put her on your chest. She needs love not hollering at her at 4 wks old. In fact she needs a peace and calm environment to grow up in and YOU will have to assure her that she will be protected.

Your husband needs help too. I offer you the same thing for him. Rub his feet--I know that is probably like the last thing you feel like doing, but unless you want your daughter to grow up with issues and you and your husband at odds over this issue, you may have to find a CALMING solution for his short-temper and I have found a little "t-l-c" can go much further than reasoning.

If that doesn't work, he's going to have to get some professional help for his problem (and it is one to even think it's ok to raise your voice at anyone--never the less a new born)--but I'm not judging, I'm sure being sleep deprived is not easy for him--however, he's gonna have to deal with it differently or I suggest to you to RUN--because it will only get worse. God's Blessings to you and your family.

D.

PS. I am not Catholic, however, Mother Mary is the protector of all children and St. Michael is the protector of all people. Please see your daughter in her arms of protection and ask her to assist in calming your daughter down. When your husband starts, ask St. Michael to protector you and she from all hurt, harm and danger. I hope I did not over step my bounds with you, but it was just on my heart to say. Take care L..

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.W.

answers from Chicago on

This is a horrible tragedy just waiting to happen.
DO NOT leave the baby alone with him, even for a second.
I would give anger management counseling ONE try (IF he will go) and then, if it does not work, get out and get out fast.
If you stay, you are risking your child's very life and you are enabling a very sick individual.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

W.S.

answers from Chicago on

L.,

Being a new parent is so difficult. But your husband is way out of line - no one should ever yell at a 4-wk-old. Does he perceive yelling as good parenting somehow? Maybe he thinks you do not know what to do and that makes him panic at the responsibility he suddenly has and he is over-reacting. Obviously he doesn't respect your opinion on the matter. Is there someone you can think of who could take him aside and talk to him - maybe another experienced Dad, your church pastor? If not, he might need a counselor to set him straight. Look up crying and newborns in a parenting book and show him that some crying is normal and it doesn't mean things are out of control.

Your husband will grow into his own parenting style, and it might be a little different than yours, but that's the beauty of two parents. Please try to be forgiving with him - new parents all make mistakes. Men can sometimes be insensitive just when they need to be the most sensitive - the big lugs! In the meantime however please do something right away about the yelling, the stress will be very unhealthy for your baby and for you.

hugs,

W.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.G.

answers from Chicago on

You are right to be concerned as he seems to have problems with this situation. I have seen children who become victims even though their parents LOVE them. It does not have anything to do with love but it does have everything to do with patience and control of your emotions. I am sure he loves her very much but when sleep deprived and exhausted it can make you lose it (all of us can do this but some of us have a shorter fuse). You have a mother's intuition and must follow that feeling.
One thing that works to stop the crying quickly is a dust buster or hair dryer running in the room while she is crying. It is amazing how fast it stops the crying. Also check out "the happiest baby on the block" which talks about the ways to soothe a crying baby quickly. I believe tight swaddling is key!!
If you are concerned then try and be the one who tends to her when she is at her worst. You can usually tell when the crying is the worst/longest in the first few weeks. I have a 11 week old and have just gone through this. Then your husband can watch her when she is less fussy. I did this with my husband too. It is super h*** o* you but try to sleep when she sleeps and as much as you can let the housework slide or have someone come help you with that (family if possible) during the day.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

A.L.

answers from Chicago on

Is there some reason he has to be up in the night? I banned my husband from middle of the night things because we tended to yell at each other, making things worse instead of better. The bad part is that I am the only one who gets up in the night and always will be (baby #2 is coming in June and I know already he wont be part of the night time things. He is too sleepy, too short of temper, too difficult.).

As for crying 20 min at a time, is she doing that a lot?? That isnt really normal. Have you talked to a doc about colic? Babies cry to tell you something is wrong, you feed them, change them, and assuming they arent in pain, should be happy again. I would make sure nothing else is wrong.

My mom was a yeller. She was never violent. She was over all a decent parent, and loved me, but I cant tell you the pain it caused. She had a short temper, that was ALL. But for a small child it was truly awful, not knowing what would set her off. I moved out at 17 because, and only because, of this. I was practically counting the days I had left living with her from about age 10 on. I know that's a rough thing to hear. But its true. I, now as an adult, have very little tolerance for even the slightest raised voice. I would GENTLY push for your husband to go to anger management, or therapy of some kind. It doesnt have to be this way. But give it a few months, even until your daughter's first bday. Maybe he will calm down once the chaos of having a newborn is over. He may always have a short temper, but if its not TOO short, chances are he'll be ok in a couple months.

And again, kick him out of night time things, really. If you need to, go to the other side of the house or something. Get him ear-plugs. Plan on being a single parent from 10pm to 6am. It will make all three of you much happier.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.K.

answers from Chicago on

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have some reference to this situation as both being the child of a yeller and also being a new parent.

Being a new parent is life-altering, it's normal for you each to have some anxieties and insecurities about your new role in being completely responsible for the growth and development of a human being. It is, however, not normal for a parent to take out that frustration and insecurity on an innocent baby. Infants need to be nurtured. Think about what a big, scary place we recognize the world can be, as adults; then imagine being a 4 week old! She was living in this warm, comfortable "cocoon" for 9 months and now all the sudden is thrown into a world where everything is foreign. She needs to be soothed, and babies can detect stress/anxiety/etc in your voice.

So if your husband yells at her, that will make her more upset and that will contribute to her insecure feelings. He's a "big boy" and needs to get over his insecurities and issues; but he doesn't need to affect the development of your infant child in the meantime. She needs to learn that she can trust her parents; that when she is upset, you are her comforters. Does he want his daughter to grow up thinking that she can't trust him or come to him with her problems? Also, it can contribute to self-esteem issues and also her own relationship/man issues when she's older.

And you are absolutely justified to not feel comfortable leaving your baby alone with him. Because if he's already getting this frustrated, all it takes is one time for him to shake her, and that could be it. He probably doesn't recognize the seriousness of his stress management issues and the potential consequences.

It sounds like he's not taking your concerns seriously, and that is contributing to your anxiety and stress as well (again, not good for the baby.)

I strongly recommend that you each seek counseling. If he won't go because he doesn't think he has a problem (ie- tries to say it's your problem, not his). Then maybe ask him to do it for you. Say that you are feeling like you need some help working through the stress and anxiety of new parenthood and it would mean a lot for him to be there to support you. Odds are, once you get there, the counselor will have you both talk and it will come out very quickly that a lot of your stress is because of him, and the counselor can call him on it. So he won't just be hearing it from you.

If he refuses to go and get help, I would seriously consider staying with your parent/family member/friend/etc. You brought this beautiful life into the world and you need to protect it.

Best wishes and prayers to you.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.M.

answers from Chicago on

L.

I think parenting classes and information are the best ways to approach your husband at this time. Healthy Families is a spectacular program available to first time parents. Shelter, Inc. operates one such program in your area. They can be reached at ###-###-####. More info is available at www.shelter-inc.org under the Healthy Families heading. Frequency and type of services depend on a various eligibility requirements. Please call at least to get further information. Your family's future depends on it.

Best of luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.A.

answers from Chicago on

I, too, have a husband with a terrible temper. Fortunately I can say he has matured and learned to control his temper somewhat around the kids. After our first was born I learned early on to take control of the night time wakeups. Our trade off was I would go to bed early at night so I had the energy to do so. Yes, he yelled at her, screamed at her even, and if I tried to confront him at the time the anger would just be directed at me. First- you can't reason with him when his temper is flaring. You have to let him calm down first. Then pull him aside and say, go back to bed, I will take are of the baby. Afterwards, mention that your yelling doesn't calm the baby, but feed her crying, Trust me, every time my husband loses his temper, even to this day, he feels terrible afterwards. He really beats himself up over it. Your baby is 4 weeks old. This is new to both of you. The sound of your baby crying probably makes your husband feel agitated and helpless. Over time he will learn to hold back the temper more. Have faith- he will get past this. He needs to figure out that he can handle it.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.B.

answers from Chicago on

Hi L.- I'm sure you are overwhelmed with advice and your situation. Just want to start off saying that my dad was a yeller and lost his temper a lot (over crazy things) and I am the same. I lose my temper and end up breaking something in the house. It happens so so quickly and like one of the other responses stated, don't end up a Shaken Baby Syndrome victim. I'm sure that your husband loves the baby, but it is a big change, especially if he is older than you. 32+ years is a big change going from neat and childless to poop and spitup all over, not to mention sleepless nights. My guess is your husband is not running to the door to find professional help, so until your baby sleeps through the night maybe you can sleep in the baby's room so the baby doesn't wake your husband. When your husband is relaxed and calm and the baby is asleep, try to explain to him that the baby doesn't understand his words, but can detect the tone in his voice and the baby will only cry louder. I hope that you are a Stay at home mom or at least on maternity leave. It sounds like your husband does not want to get up at night, so this is all on you. When she sleeps during the day, try to nap so you can survive the night. Forget having the house perfectly clean and try to find some good crock pot recipes if he expects dinner, or tell him that he brings dinner 2-3 nights a week. Condition the baby to listen to music and when she starts to cry, turn on a CD, she is still little and probably wants to eat. Don't worry, before you know it, she will be sleeping through the night or at least holding her own bottle. I wouldn't leave him alone with the baby if you are already afraid. Let him know that the good times come with bad times and this will not last forever. I know that his yelling is probably his way of coping with his stress, but why take the chance? Him yelling at you is not going to solve anything, so ask him to count to 20-30 when the baby starts crying and get up. I know it's hard to get up, but think of him yelling if you don't get up and look forward to a nap. when the baby crys, tend to her needs (feedings or poop), rock her and listen to soothing music and enjoy your baby. If you are completely wiped out, put the baby in the swing, if you have one of those you can use from birth, the babies like that movement and once she is sleeping, transfer her. (I do have one important thing to say... if you are planing to have more, try to establish a bedtime pattern with her now or in a few months) Another thing that I was just reading about. When you are cleaning and using a vacuum, bring her in that general area. The noise of the vacuum and TV will help her be able to sleep through noise. I use to put mine in a pack-n-play. Think before you know it, she will be all grown up and you will miss this time with her. And she won't think that her dad is a mean guy when she grows up and has kids of her own. Trust me! It's a hard job. Congratulations and Good Luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.R.

answers from Chicago on

L.,

you have the whole spectrum of advice here. I am really sorry you have both though. I'm sure telling you to get your idiot husband out of the house and telling you what a terrible job you are doing at being a mother has been profoundly helpful for you. I really hope you ignore that advice - you don't need any more guilt or pressure from people who clearly do not have an empathetic bone in their body.

Having a baby is extremely stressful for a man though... they put different pressure on themselves. His anger outbursts might be his own way of dealing with stress. I'm not saying it's right... it's not - but we can sometimes help people more when we understand where it's coming from. Was he like this before the baby?

I think you are right to trust your instincts and not leave him alone with the baby. I don't believe any parent has true intentions of harming their children, but sometimes when we lose control the possibility is very real, and they're so very fragile.

I don't know what kind of advice to give in reality though... if it were me, I would say look... she doesn't understand and your stress is making her more agitated... why don't you let me have her because I'm not nearly as stressed out as you are, and you take a break. If he says you don't trust me with her, I would jsut say 'that's not true... but can you deny that you are stressed right now? I just want to help you enjoy the baby more...'

Also, I would talk to the Ped. about the crying. try to find the source of the problem. lots of things show up right about this age... colic, reflux... you may not have to deal with the crying. But I can say, most babies have a higher tendency to be irritable and cranky in the evening hours... my wonderfully happy little girl (almost 3 months) gets this way every evening during dinner... unfortunately it's all my husband see's of her, but he has a bit more patience than your husband is currently exercising.

Only you can decide if the problem is really bad enough that you need to leave or seek therapy. Keep in mind though... you cannot force somebody to seek therapy, if they dont see there is a problem. and FYI - PPD is sneaky sometimes and I can attest to the fact that it DOES change our perspective... I look back and cannot believe how ridiculous I was thinking when i had PPD without medication.

Anyway, good luck to you... that hardly seems like enough to say in closing. I really hope things get better for you all.

God Bless

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.W.

answers from Chicago on

Yeah. And chastising you on the Internet when you're looking for a solution helps a ton, I'm sure.

Look, I'm not a counselor or social worker, nor have I walked in your shoes, so I don't feel it's my place to give you practical advice. Of course it's not acceptable for your husband to yell at a newborn -- or at you. Clearly you don't want to be in this situation. Why else would you be asking for help?

My suggestion is to do what you need to keep you and your baby safe. Please seek some sort of therapy or support. Additionally, talk to your doctor about the possibility of PPD. As someone who had postpartum depression, I can tell you that it severely hampered my ability to see anything in the proper perspective. You may find once the PPD is being addressed you have more clarity about what to do.

Good luck and take good care of yourself.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

V.G.

answers from Champaign on

See if you can schedule an appointment with your OB or pediatrician with all 3 of you. Mention the anger issue when you schedule to make sure it is addressed when you see the health care provider. That might be the easiest way to approach this problem, especially if you husband doesn't think he has a problem.

V.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.G.

answers from Peoria on

L.,
I feel for you! As I was reading your post I thought of adjustments we went through when we had our kids (now 12 and 9). My hubby had some anger issues to, but we did work through it:) My first thought is, do you have family around that could babysit for a couple of hours once a week so that you and your hubby can have a date night? We started doing regular date nights and that made a huge difference for us. It was great for me to get a break from my mommy routine, but I also believe it helped my husband understand that he is a priority. We were able to take a break from Mommy/Daddy and be husband and wife- friends, just spend some time with each other and remember why we are in love, married and making babies to start with.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.J.

answers from Chicago on

I have a couple of suggestions. First, call your OB and talk to her about the possibility that you are experiencing some PPD. It's sneaky, and isn't always the "I can't get out of bed" depression. It comes out in interactions with your spouse, with your child, and dealing with stressful situations. I didn't think that I was dealing with PPD, but as it turns out I was. Both my internist, therapist (DH and I went to counseling to work on our communication after our son was born), and OB agreed that it sounded like I was dealing with generalized anxiety and PPD. I went on meds and it's like I had a new life. Suddenly I could function better, and I realized how wacky I was acting before.

My other suggestion is to talk to your husband and taking an evening a week for a date. An actual date. Get into date clothes, don't talk about your daughter, and go do something that you used to do before you got pregnant and before you had a daughter together. Your husband is likely very frustrated and sad that in gaining a daughter he's lost a wife. And in a sense that's exactly what's happened. You can work on that together, however.

Tell your husband that you'd like to talk to him about how you're both feeling about being parents, honestly. At a time when your daughter isn't around, so you can really concentrate on each other.

Also, encourage your husband to talk to other men who have been through this time of new fatherhood. Many men get angry, resentful, and fearful (which comes out as anger) when a baby is crying and it seems like there's no end in sight.

A lot will be helped by having time alone together. Every week. Hire a sitter if you have to, even if it's not really in your budget. Go sit in a coffee shop so you don't have to spend a lot of money on your date on top of paying your sitter. If you have a family member or friend who would be willing to do the sitting, even better.

Good luck, and call your doctor.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.S.

answers from Chicago on

You have had so many responses, you probably aren't reading these anymore... but I still feel compelled to respond. Someone said to have patience and be supportive of your husband. While I don't disagree with that, PLEASE know how serious it is that he is telling a 4 week old to shut up. While many (all?) of us have had those moments of feeling unable to handle any more crying, somehow we do. Without yelling (or at least when they are infants... :). Please reach out to the various resources available to you. Maybe you are hormonal, but I would guess that you are sad because you know that all of the responsibility of calmly caring for your child is all on YOU. Stay strong and follow your gut. You can do it, and don't doubt yourself. Protect that baby.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.W.

answers from Chicago on

You've gotten so many responses, I'm sure your head is spinning.First off, congratulations on your new baby. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time, but I thought I would throw in my 2 cents for what it's worth. My dad was a screamer. He never spanked or even tried to hit us growing up; he was beaten as a child and swore he'd never hit his own kids. But he might as well have. He was angry, mean, and was a total nightmare until I was an adult and he got therapy. My mom tried to make him go for 20 years, and he refused. My relationship with my dad was horrible until my mom finally left him, and he could see himself for who he truly was. The yelling honestly was not effective; my sisters and I learned to tune him out completely. I hope your husband can be convinced to go to therapy; once my father realized that yelling was just as damaging as hitting, he changed. Today, I'm closer to my dad than I have ever been, and he rarely raises his voice to my young stepsiblings that he is now raising. There is hope; you just have to keep at him until he realizes what damage he could do to your daughter...and to you. I don't believe your husband is a psychopath or even a bad person; some people just have explosive tempers, and they need to learn how to handle it. However, of course, if you see any signs of violent behavior, get yourself and your daughter out of there. Good luck. I wish you and your family the best.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches