Hubby Wants Sleepovers with His Buddy.

Awww, hell no!! Sleepovers are for children, or for out of town trips, not for drunken binges. If he is going to be drinking he can take a cab home.

Is he like 10 years old?
He needs to grow up.
If he wants a wife and family he needs to quit playing like he's single.
If he wants to play, he needs to BE single.
Marriage counseling ASAP.

Ok- so everyone once in a blue moon I would begrudgingly accept, only if I get the same freedom. Tit for tat. But any more than that would be a big problem. You are not being unfair, and I would absolutely address this with him. Sounds like he got used to it being just the guys while away, and has gotten a little spoiled with some freedoms he may have had in Afghanistan. But he's home now and it's time to put on the big boy pants.

C.,

I went back to check on previous posts, mainly because your name rang a bell.

I'm wondering, how has his transition back to civilian life been lately? I know that, a while ago, he was pretty angry and yelling. I'm not bringing this up to upset you, but I'm wondering if he has some post traumatic stress disorder or other issues unaddressed from his military service overseas. I've had friends my age and older whose sons have returned, and they are not the same guys they were when they left. A couple have left their families, had a horrible time transitioning from wartime to 'regular' life; one was estranged from his mom for a few years. There has also been some discussion in the news recently regarding the ill effects of bad leadership in the military, which happens in any job, but the affects of which are so deeply felt being in such an extreme situation.

Would your husband consider counseling? Talking to the VA about getting some help or resources? I'm not saying you should just dismiss this sense of distance, but I would try to find some resources and not expect that he can 'fix' himself immediately.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you have every right to feel hurt and confused, and I also think he's reaching out to his friends because they understand what he's went through and how hard it was. There is something very unique about that sort of camaraderie, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less for you. It does sound like he's avoiding the stress of being at home with the kids,and not being mature about it, and I also think that he needs more coping skills than what he's got now. I wish I had any more advice, but I also know you can't change people until they want to change. All you can do is decide what you want to do for now.

You're not seeing the big picture. And it's not a great one.

The issue is not really adult sleepovers. The issue is this, in your words:

" He says he needs time away from our toddler twins yet I haven't spent so much as an hour away from our girls for at least 6 months if not more...(He shows) lack of interest...."

A few things to ask yourself:

How long has he been back from Afghanistan? I assume he was in the military or maybe a contractor? Could he be having difficulty adjusting away from camp life there to little-kid-and-wife life here? It's a very, very different world being there from being here. Do you see other signs that he misses that life, where once he was done with "work" or daily duty he could hang out and drink and blow off steam? He may be missing just that and not really knowing how to BE a dad.....

Because: If he was overseas, how much of your toddlers' lives has he been around? Most? Only in chunks as he had to come and go for work or military duty? Again -- big cultural difference in living in military or contractor quarters overseas and living with wife and kids here and being so tied to young kids' schedules. If he was iin Afghanistan for "some of last year and the year before" and it wasn't just a few weeks each time-- he's been away from your children a lot and may feel uncomfortable or even a bit lost when dealing with them. You, not he, may have done most of the discipline, teaching, raising so far, and he might not want to admit it but he might even feel that he just doesn't know his role as well as you know yours. And it's comfortable and comforting to hang with friends.

Please get couples counseling. He may truly just enjoy having the time with this guy without GF there and this is temporary, but you need to tell him that at night you and the kids need him there.

You mention "lack of interest on his part" in your marriage and that is a HUGE red flag. A lot of couples where one partner is/was in the military or was a long-term contractor overseas do end up with divorces because the couples drift apart; or one of them comes home and can't readjust; or they don't know how to be a parent since they've been away so much. The sleepover stuff is just a symptom -- the real problem is why his kids wear him out if he's working FT and with friends much of the rest of the time.

Please get counseling with him ASAP. I would NOT let it appear that you are jealous of these friends or he is going to hide behind that: "Oh, I don't need to see some dumb counselor just because YOU can't handle the fact I have friends. My friends were overseas with me and they understand me and you don't." And so on.....Stop seeing the sleepovers as the issue and see the bigger picture which you buried at the end of the post -- he is losing interest and it will take work to regain it. Get a professional to help. (If he is or was military -- there IS help available through his service!! The services provide counseling and readjustment programs and some do it for a long time after people return so don't think "He came back X months ago so they won't help us now." -- Ask!)

C.,

Honey...I'm sorry. There's something going on...

1. He's gay.
2. They are having "fun" over there.
3. He's NOT ready to be married.
4. His tour in Afghanistan changed him.

I would tell him, sorry. You need to come home. I need a break from the kids too. I understand that your husband works all day. Being a stay at home mom is hard work as well.

While I believe that you should, as a stay at home mom, TRY and keep the home organized - you need a break as well.

If he is going to do sleep overs? Then you just do your day without him. However, you NEED to communicate your plans and your expectations. He cannot read your mind...

You NEED to tell him that you DO NOT appreciate his taking off and leaving you and the kids. YOU need a break too.

You NEED to tell that you feel like he is investing in a relationship with them and NOT with you and the kids. And that is NOT a good thing for a marriage...

Good luck!

Red Flag!! I have never heard of this, is it a new thing for guys? How about you tell him to have his sleepover at your house, and see his reaction? Then I would decide how worried I would be. I mean, he's just drinking beer and playing video games, RIGHT????????

You're playing house with someone who isn't ready to play house.

Are you sure he's at this friend's house? Sounds really fishy to me!!

Sorry :(

ETA: Transitioning from war time to peace time is difficult for some service members. It usually takes about six months for the average member to adjust. I have gone through this several times. It is not easy as you each grow and sometimes grow apart. My times were during the Vietnam era. He did do the Gulf War one Desert Shield/Storm before he retired.
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I think I might seek a bit of counseling since he was at war. However he has to realize that he has a family that needs him just as much as the buddies in fact more.

Write down what you want to say and have a discussion with him when you are calm. In fact see if you can have a night off and go out with the girls. If not, get a babysitter and go out for a few hours and chill. You deserve it.

If he is still in service contact the first sergeant or such for assistance. Good luck to you and yours.

the other S.

As others have said, this is not normal. If he's not gay then he's simply pulling away from you and your kids which of course, is sad and frustrating for you.
Has he had any kind of counseling since he got back? Men can be deeply troubled and changed after serving a tour of duty.
I think you need a serious sit down, in a non confrontational way.

Hard lesson learned:

Instead of BOTH people being miserable, or ONE person being happy... Try for BOTH people being happy.

I know. Sounds "duh", right?

Well,,, his being away has left you with either
- Resentment that he gets something you don't
- Realization that this is something you need, as well.

Before getting mad at him that he's taking care of his own emotional needs... Try getting excited. ;)

"Hon! The more I think about it, the more this sounds like a GREAT idea. You take this weekend, and I'll take ________ (next weekend, Tuesday, whatever)."

Now... If he refuses to help you take care of your needs?
(By facilitating time off for you, as well)
THEN get mad.

But don't skip the step where the wake up call that you're missing something from your own life can get fixed and jump straight into mad. Seriously. Just don't.

Odd... Not appropriate for a married man with a family. Tell him your grievances and go from there

Seriously?
Ummm...he's a husband and father now.
To sleep there to avoid DUI O. night is O. thing, but to PLAN more sleepovers with another grown man?
Odd.
Sorry.
Is he 9?

He should not be sleeping over, he has a wife and children and he needs to be home with them at night when he can be. The fact he spent so much time deployed is just all the more reason you 3 should be his focus. Talk to him, and see if you can get him to talk to a counselor with you. Military one source will give you providers in your area that take tricare for counseling.

Is he still in the military? You two need counseling. Talk to the military family services and find someone to help you two.

You had better deal with this now. If you don't, you'll have a more than just a pending divorce looming. When he's no longer in the military, you may have trouble getting child support. And remember, when dealing with the military, HE'S the one they think about most - not his family. Make sure you have the right support within the military - not just HIS support.

No, not appropriate. My 19 yr old, yes.

I'd say he's having some trouble adapting to regular family life. Are there any classes on this at his base? Some free therapy? Marriage counseling?
You need him to adapt better and there might be ways of others talking to him that might get through.

Or you could say, sure, but not now because I'm going to spend some quality time with my mom or friend or whoever and leave the twins with him!

I think you should be very honest that you feel he's giving priority to his friends and not you. I realize he works full time, but I assure you, taking care of twins full time is probably twice the job he's got.
It's not that he can't go out, but you should be included...whether that means a sitter or whatever.
Having overnight stays sounds a bit fishy. I would put a stop to it - he needs to put the priority back on his own family. I know other men who were in the service and wound up drifting away from their spouse afterward - he may feel more comfortable with them because of their shared service time. Try to rescue your relationship by being included in social time.

ooh heck no!!

I realize a tour overseas can change a person. But this is just not right.

You and your marriage need an intervention on the double! Counseling for both of you and your marriage. He needs to learn to compartmentalize his trauma, if he has any, from Afghanistan and he needs to learn how to talk with you.

You need to tell him how you are feeling. You cannot let his fester. It's great to talk about it, but a group of strangers is not who you need to talk to, it's your husband. Now you know it's not right. You need to talk with him.

I'm sorry!!

I would 1. get a sitter and have a date with him, 2. want some time for myself (you aren't the only parent here) and 3. talk to him about how you feel he's more invested in getting away than he is in being a part of the family. If he spent time in a war zone, he may have PTSD or other concerns that need to be addressed.

Honestly, I still have sleepovers with my girlfriends. The difference is, my marriage doesn't suffer for it. It's an equal balance. Hubby is welcome to go out with his friends, I go out with my friends, we do family things, we go out as a couple, we go out in groups of couples.

I have always loved sleepovers and still do. Most times I bring all the kids, so hubby gets a free night, I get a sleepover with my best friend, and all the kids get a sleepover. Sometimes it's just the ladies. Another difference in my situation - pending a special circumstance I get home by 9-10am the next day.

You need to determine the source of your issue with it. Are you upset that you are stuck at home - do you need a girls' night/weekend? Are you upset over the lack of couple time? Or just upset at the sleepover part? Once you figure that out, you need to express your feelings and offer solutions/compromises. If it's the late return time - tell him you don't mind the sleepover, but please be back by x:xx am the next morning without a hang over. If it's the lack of couple time - tell him that and ask for a date night once in awhile.

i think occasional sleepovers are fine. (i have 'em with my bestie once every couple of years!)
if there's drinking involved, it especially makes sense for him to stay put.
but i'd be pretty pissy under your circumstances. YOU don't get a break but he wants lots of them, and way takes advantage when he does.
simmering with silent resentment is NOT being a 'cool wife.' cool wives who are married to cool husbands can have calm logical conversations in which everyone comes out feeling like a winner. so yes, address the issue with him (when you're not feeling particularly pissed off about it) and make sure he feels heard and understood.
but it's not all about him.
khairete
S.

I go away for a girls weekend once, sometimes a couple of times a year while my husband stays home with the kids. (Shopping trip to the US, girls camping weekends, Vegas, spa weekend, casino bus trip.) This sounds like the same thing, just much less expensive. I would agree to it, once in a while, as long as you get the same amount of time away. My husband used to pull an all nighter at his best friends place from time to time (drinking, playing video games, fantasy football). That was before we had kids, but it only stopped because his best friend moved away. If he still lived here I wouldn't mind if he stayed over from time to time.

Hubby and I both feel downtime with friends is important. Sometimes you need time away from work and kids. But we both get it. If one of us realizes the other has had a bad week and is stressed out we will suggest some friend time (btw we do also do date nights both in and out of the house). But from what I'm reading the big difference is we both get it not just 1 of us.

We have both known some people that paid severe consequences from drunk driving. Some who were the drunk driver and some that were the innocent victim of a drunk driver. So we would be ok with each other sleeping out instead of driving drunk. Spending most of the next day out would not be ok. Also the idea of planning the "sleepover" ahead of time and wanting several in a short period of time wouldn't be ok for us.

What works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another but the point is what is happening doesn't work for you. I would try to figure out a compromise that would work for you and still give hubby some of his friend time. Do you want date nights or girl time or both? Figure out in your own mind what you think will work for you before talking to hubby. When you do talk, also listen. You are asking him to compromise so you may also have to compromise in order for you to both meet in the middle.

Yes you need to address this with him. Believe it or not it's possible he just doesn't get it. He may not see the problem with taking time away. Or drinking and playing video games and having sleepovers regularly at his age. He may not (probably doesn't) see your perspective that you NEVER take time away. You probably don't want or expect to be able to escape from your kids, but he does, so YUP, you gotta spell it out. It's only a problem IF you HAVE spelled it out, told him how you feel, and he doesn't care and refuses to change. THEN you have a problem and could consider the possibility of the family unit crumbling. But UNTIL you do that, he "doesn't know better".

My ex was like this. It actually wasn't the reason we spilt up, but he had that type of personality. He toured as a musician for a living. He was almost NEVER home. He LIVED on a bus with 12 other guys. What was the first thing he wanted to do when he got home from tour to "visit" the kids and I? Go out with his buddies. Sleep over if he got drunk. Did he make special arrangements to be with me? Never. Did he move heaven moon and stars to get together with any number of male friends he had bromances with? Oh heck yeah.

Over the years I did get through to him on that and he improved. It didn't stop our other problems, but he did stop socializing all the time on his limited times at home, and he did start to limit the bromances when I started losing interest in him.

Your husband wants to act like a dude and totally escape family life sometimes. You want him to grow up and act like a normal man. I too tried to act like a "Cool wife" even when it wasn't genuine and I actually wasn't cool with things. That never works. Meanwhile my friends who were "pain-in-the-butt-demanding" wives were putting their feet down on things and GUESS WHAT??! Their husbands were way better behaved than mine.

Somewhere in the middle you guys need a compromise but you have to ask for it CLEARLY. And try not to attack him. To him their behavior isn't stupid. Hard to fathom, but I've been there. Also, give him time to really get what you are saying. He probably won't understand when you first start to put your foot down on this. It may take time, forcefulness and even separation worst case scenario....guys who act like this at 39 don't change overnight. Start small like, "How bout you stay over at Clyde's once per month and I get to ____ once per month." Be sure to demand a child care scenario from him to keep the score even so he hesitates more before running off...

The first time I left mine with all three kids for a couple of days and insisted I had a great time and the next time he wanted to go snowboarding for a few days with his buddies it would be great because I'd like to go to another painting retreat for a few days too......he never went on an unnecessary excursion again honestly...

You're a stay at home mom who was home alone with the kids while he was gone working. He doesn't have any idea that you would suddenly mind being home with the kids alone. He should, but he doesn't.

It's not ok because there's no balance for him to actually spend time with his babies or his wife. He isn't considering the fact that he can wind down and relax with his family. He needs to reconnect with you and your daughters.

I do think you need to talk with him, but I wouldn't be accusatory. Use a lot of, "I feel....." "I miss....." "I would love it if we could _____ as a family." Bond as a family again, and also bond as a couple again. You need date nights. You need to get away from the girls for a night TOGETHER. Right now? He's bonded with his Afghanistan friends. He doesn't have to break that bond with them but he needs to recognize that he needs to re-bond with his own family.

And he needs to hear that you'd like to compromise so that you can go out with your own friends while he has a night to bond on his own with his daughters. NEVER phrase it as him babysitting the girls while you go out... make sure it's framed as you giving him a wonderful opportunity to spend time with his children that he missed while away so that he can bond with them. And make sure he knows that you find nothing sexier than a man who is close to his own daughters.

You're not being unfair. I just don't think he realizes what's going on. And he wouldn't, would he? You said yourself that you're trying to be the cool wife. I take that to mean non-restrictive and you don't want to sound like a shrew or a nag. It's not being a nag to insist that a husband spend time with his family.

I think I'd simply say "That's fine with me, what night of the week can "I" plan to have out with the girls". Then make him let you have an evening each and every week.

I'd be okay with it, only if he granted me the same time off.

You should have some time off too, and leave him taking care of the twins. I can understand his desire to get away - being a parent is scarey and stressful and I imagine double or triple that with twins. So instead of limiting his time, why don't you call a girlfriend and make a date for yourself with her? It might make things feel more fair and give you some extra energy to deal with your husband's struggles with his dad role. You shouldn't be a martyr to mommyhood. That said, if he continues to run away you will need to have a talk about it with as little blaming as you can manage.

I'm sorry but I have never heard of a grown man wanting to have a sleep over!!! Especially one with a family. There are some red flags and I think you do have an issue that you need to address with him. Don't want to jump to any coclusion but is it possible he maybe having an inappropriate relationship with his "friend"?

Uh...no. He is way too old to be out partying with friends, ESPECIALLY staying over, while you are home with kids. A responsible, respectful husband/father would not be doing that. I would have a serious talk with him and tell him although you appreciate he has a good friend, he can hang out with him during normal hours for a reasonable amount of time. He can also focus a little more on you and the kids. My husband is 40 and I can't imagine him even wanting to do this. Good luck.

Are you sure your husband is not gay?

My friend went through something similar with her husband (husband going on camping trips with his friend) and he eventually came out and admitted he was gay. My friend knew something was off in her marriage but she blamed herself. Once she found out he was gay it explained a lot.

Honestly, it sounds strange! My husband has been deployed a couple of times and would never ask for a sleepover. A guys' night out is one thing (beer, football, etc), but a sleepover??

Can you arrange for a sitter and you two go on a date? It sounds like you need some 'couple' time:)

Just tell him no. He's a full-time husband and father, whether he likes it or not.

Everyone needs time with their friends, but that also includes YOU! You need time away from the kids to do your own thing, rest, recharge, and have fun. Don't wait for your husband to realize this. Husbands can be incredibly clueless about this stuff. Just make the plans, and then inform him that he will be in charge of the house and kids from Friday through Sunday (or whatever it is) - and then go on your girls' weekend and have fun!

It's valid that he would want to hang out with his buddies, but turnabout is fair play. Also, the two of you need alone-time as well. Plan date night, hire a sitter, and let him know the date/time. Make it happen. I learned a long time ago that waiting for my (decidedly unromantic) husband to plan things means that things will never happen - so if I want to go on date night, I need to make it happen.

It is NOT ok!!!!!!!!! So heartbreaking when they treasure time with friends/tv/video games more then family. I am so sorry unfortunately i know the feeling all too well :(

This might be OK a couple of times a year, but ONLY if you get the same rights to have a girls sleep over or go to a friends home.

However, I would not recommend this unless your husband can be trusted to take good care of his kids for a few days on his own. Also, you do have some issues to address with him if he's causing you to feel that you and HIS family are NOT # 1.

Kind regards,

I suspect that the two responses that will be most helpful in your situation are from Leigh R and Nervy Girl. It seems to me that a lot of the responses don't really factor in the issues involved in transitioning back home so much. The sleepovers are symptomatic of a bigger issue. Being able to non-threateningly understand & talk about those issues will be super important to move past this disconnected feeling and hopefully save your relationship.

While it's technically possible there's a romantic/sexual thing going on, I doubt that's likely. But he's probably feeling more 'intimately' close to his buddy and is struggling to either get that back with you or to be that way with his babies. You can help him by reaching out to the right resources for the kind of counseling that will help you both. Even if he won't go for some reason, perhaps you can get support from spouses to understand and deal with it effectively. Best wishes.

We used to live in the suburbs of San Francisco and my husband would sometimes stay over in the city if he had a late night in the city. It was usually related to work but once there might have been a bachelor party. And he stayed in a hotel by himself. The excuse was drinking and that the trains weren't running late. Even then it bugged me. Re: your husband - perhaps he could take a cab home? It does seem that the military does emphasize camaraderie among men so I'm not sure that it's a gay thing. Counseling might be called for...

I could see hanging out a friend's every so often, and staying overnight if driving drunk is a concern, but even that shouldn't be a regular occurrence. I could see a guys get-a-way a few times a year which would likely require a sleepover, but not often. However, he has a home to sleep at - mind you 10 minutes a way. What adult with kids plans a sleepover at a friend's house, really?

You need a break from the girls too. You need to bring this to his attention. There are many issues going on here and maybe couples therapy would help.

No!!! Weird. Maybe once a year but come home in the morning. You have twins.