Hubby Thinks I'm Pushing Him Away, but I Just like to Sleep on the Couch...

Here's a response from the other side....

I am the snorer..... I've snored all my life! At one point, a few years ago, I started waking up in the morning finding that my hubby had left the bed, and gone to sleep in another room. For some reason, that really hurt my feelings..... he finally said that my snoring had gotten so bad that he couldn't sleep at night. That also made me feel bad, because I couldn't control it. I was the one chasing him out of bed. (He has trouble sleeping, anyway, and it takes him a long time to fall asleep, where I can usually fall asleep within 10 minute of turning out the light.)

Later, he told me that the snoring was really sounding like sleep apnea, so I made an appointment with my PCP, who then referred me on to an ENT, who set me up with a sleep study. Sure enough, I have sleep apnea! I was fitted with a CPAP device, and that has made a world of difference. We both sleep better, now. I love my CPAP, and use it every night. It doesn't bother my hubby, seeing me sleep with the mask on.

You are working on your medical problems (anxiety, etc.).... would it be possible for you to convince him to check out his snoring? Sleep apnea affects both people, not just one. I'm not trying to put the blame on him, but I do understand the problems with snoring. Unfortunately, many people are reluctant to try the CPAP mask, but it really is a life-saver in more ways than one!

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Here are some links to articles, on this topic. It is more common than you think:
http://dailywd.womansday.com/blog/2010/07/daily-buzz-more...

http://articles.cnn.com/2008-09-12/living/lw.sleep.alone....

http://marriage.about.com/cs/sleepingtogether/a/beddingdo...

Maybe you can show these articles to your Husband too.

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I do not sleep with my husband. He sleeps in the living room on his bed. He snores like a bear and NOTHING we have done has made it better. I liked sleeping with him in the beginning....and then...I needed to SLEEP! Seriously, it was waking me up all night long! bleh.
I wont bash your husband, but he needs to understand how very very important sleep is. You need to understand how very very important sex is to your husband! lol If you can still find a way to have sex with your husband then I am willing to bet that he wont be so upset about you being on the couch.
L.

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I have read many articles discussing this. It isn't that you aren't sleeping in bed with him, but you are withdrawing at nights to watch tv alone... that is a huge damper on the relationship and can be very lonely for the other partner. It would probably improve things greatly if you visited with him at night in your bed together. If you can't sleep from his snoring, then go to the couch. But the important part is the pillow talk and the going to bed 'together' actions. I sometimes have to sleep on the couch b/c my husband is an awful sleepwalker and can even turn aggressive. But. I still go to sleep with him every night so we spend that quality time talking, cuddling and hanging out together.

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My hubby also feels slighted when he wakes up in the night and finds me not in the bed. My hotflashes send me to the couch pretty often during the night. I think they just miss us when we arent there. You gotta do what you gotta do to get some sleep, I know that. I've heard that MANY people sleep in separate beds just so they can get some sleep since it's so darned important. I believe it will be kinda the norm for mom and dad to even have their own bedrooms without anyone saying a thing about it one day. My great grandparents and my grandparents had separate bedrooms once they hit about their 60's. G.'s room always smelled of perfume and powder and Grandpa's always smelled of Old Spice. Why wait till your OLD to have your own space if you need it?
As long as you both feel secure and loved, it shouldnt matter where you do your sleeping. jmo

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Hi B., I prefer to sleep alone as well. I am a VERY light sleeper, every little thing wakes me up, I get up to pee, and now I have hot flashes and night sweats as well, sigh.

My guy would sleep through a nuclear holocaust and prefers to sleep in an embrace. I cannot fall asleep with a person on me. Furthermore he gropes and cuddles all night and sleeps through it all.

It is not about sex, I LIKE sex, I'll be there for THAT. Then generally once he falls asleep, I'll move to the couch so I can sleep too.

I think they need WAY more physical closeness than WE do (a sweeping generalization of course). So if you can show him that physical attention throughout the DAY.....maybe he won't miss it so much at night? They do equate physical closeness with love, least more than WE do, we want emotional closeness more than BODILY attention, you know?

Anyway, last time I responded to a question like this I got hammered for refusing to sleep with my guy, sigh. Many people still have very old fashioned notions, one of them being a woman who wants to sleep alone is a cold fish, so yeah, it's hard to break those myths.

If I DID stay in bed with him all night, I would never sleep, which does not put me in a real lovin' mood!

Sleep is SO important to quality of life, I'm not sure why he would want you be an exhausted wreck everyday......as long as he's getting the physical attention he needs.

My guy doesn't LIKE it, of course, but he does RESPECT it, plus I usually start out with him so he can have a little sex/cuddle/closeness. He does understand that it's not that I don't WANT to be near him, I just need some DAMN SLEEP, and I can't have both!

:)

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He works at 8, you work at 9 from home. Time to get on the same schedule. Try getting up before he leaves and having coffe/tea together. If you absolutely can't go to bed when he does make sure you end up there EVERY night. It is important to him and it is important in a marriage, IMO. The distance will only grow and so will resentment. Is there a position he doesn't snore in? Can he go to the doctor and see what's causing the snoring? How often are you needing the xanax? I have found that it(xanax) often creates a pattern of needing it after awhile, same with any sleep aid really. I know most people disagree with a tv in the bedroom but it works for my husband and I. I fall asleep and he can stay up a little later but we are together. If he is usually quiet then this must really be bothering him for him to speak up so adamently(sp?). If it was you with an issue so close to the heart, wouldn't you expect him to work with you? Good luck, he sounds wonderful, he just wants to be close to his wife/lover/life partner. Lucky you :)

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Ha! I'm reading this at 2:30am while lying in the guest bed. Hubby's snoring woke me up and I couldn't get him to stop so I moved. I know he'll be disappointed in the morning, but ultimately, I COULDN'T SLEEP!! That said, it's rare that I leave the bed. It really is better for my relationship if I sleep with my husband. We both appreciate the closeness.

So... my advice would be to examine and treat whatever is preventing you from sleeping in the bed with your husband. Can you get him to a doctor to look into his snoring? Work on the timing of your medicines so you can fall asleep earlier? Change your schedule slightly so that you wake up nearer to the time your husband does (that way it won't be annoying when he wakes up two hours earlier than you, and probably wakes you up too). All of this will be adjustments YOU have to make, not him... but if you're working on your relationship, sometimes you do have to make changes in order to keep your partner happy.

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You're not sleeping in the same bed and not having enough sex... and he's unhappy about it. he's telling you that he wants the companionship of having you next to him.

Invest in earplugs or go to bed before he does. Better yet, get him to a doctor to see if there is something he can be doing to reduce the snoring. Figure it out b/c if it's getting in the way of an otherwise solid marriage, then it's a problem!

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Maybe he is lonely and he misses you.
If he needs to feel you by his side, then I would do it.

= )

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Many men and women sleep best alone (there is plenty of research to back this up) and I know many happy couples who separate to sleep for practical reasons--hot flashes, uncomfortable bed (firm vs. soft), light in the room, snoring, etc. My husband goes to bed hours after I do (I'm up by 6:30 for work and in bed by 1:30 or 2, he's up much later since he works evenings). I don't really even wake up when he comes to bed most nights.

See if you can shift your routine and add something relaxing other than television, like a bath or something, just because that is not likely to help your sleep issues. Since your wake-up time isn't so far apart, maybe you can ease into going to sleep first so you are out when he comes to bed and you won't hear the snoring. :(

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I am with your hubby on this one, my man used to do the same thing... here is what we worked out maybe this will work for you (I snore, not him) ... when I went to bed he joined me for 30 or so min so I could fall asleep faster/deeper then he would sneak out of bed and go do his thing. There is a certain closeness you have with someone when you share a bed and he is missing that closeness I am sure. So, it worked for us but now I am not working and up late at night but I always fall asleep in our bed.

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Try to figure out what is actually the problem--it may really be that, to him, sleeping together (in the same bed at the same time, approx) is a level of intimacy that really matters to him. Or it could be that he resents you spending a lot of time alone. Or it could be he misses you, so making up time elsewhere in the day might work.

In addition to whatever you're working on now, I would strongly suggest that you spend some time with him, just him, after the kids are in bed. Take a walk together, sit and read on the couch together, or pick a TV show to share together (one you can discuss, like Glee or American Idol, etc.), to build in more together time.

Since you're already close to the same schedule, it seems like it might be a good idea to try to fit your schedule more around his. I.e., try to be in bed at night with him, to snuggle or whatever, and you work on moving your sleeping back, so that you can be getting sleepy around the time he comes to bed. Even if you can't do that, do try to spend some time snuggling at night with him, and then move to the couch. Or, try buying an Ipad, with some earbuds, and you can watch TV at night in bed--even if you're having trouble settling down, you can still be with him.

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If my spouse did that I would be crushed too. Can you wear ear plugs ?

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Ask your doctor if Melatonin is safe to take with your other medications. It helps regulate your sleep patterns without drugging you. It's been a lifesaver in my house.

When I was pregnant with the twins, I could not get comfortable in our bed. I would start out there but invariably wind up moving to the recliner. My husband didn't like it, but he understood it was temporary. I agree your husband should have a sleep study. If they can help with his snoring, it's better for his health and for your relationship.

Also, look into making your bedroom a more inviting place for you. Do you need a bigger bed? Perhaps just a new mattress? Splurge on some high thread count sheets and aromatherapy candles. Invite your husband to make it worth your while by offering you a backrub with massage oil. Try to take the stress and pressure out of the equation and replace with calming indulgence. A bedroom should be a retreat, not a place to retreat from.

Good luck.

I can understand your husband's feelings... I just cannot sleep without my husband in bed with me. In fact, it is the very rare night when we don't go to bed together. I just don't feel like the day has ended right without him there. And, I have to admit, there is some past trauma from the breakdown of my first marriage added to this, so I feel particularly vulnerable when he's not there. There has been the occasional night when he's fallen asleep on the couch, and I will just come down and gently wake him enough to come upstairs to bed, and he always does. But then again, neither of us snores (my first husband did -- I spend 10 years sleeping with earplugs because it was important to me to share a bed) and we really are most comfortable falling asleep snuggling.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting this of course -- but the two of you should sit down and talk about it, and what he really needs -- what need of his is being fulfilled by you coming to bed with him and how can you make sure that it still gets fulfilled on those occasional nights when you don't.

Well I was reading recently that a lot of couples do sleep separately, but I personally don't know any who do. Actually I have some good friends who are now divorcing and all she could tell me was they were working at different times, started sleeping alone and just fell apart after that. So I think there is merit in sleeping together. I too, sleep better alone and my hubs does snore sometimes. Not always, but he has his seasons. The main thing for me right now is that I am pregnant so I need to sleep on my side with a pillow between my legs, he hates it, but hey it's what has to be done at the moment. Most men need to be close, my man says he just can't get to sleep well if he doesn't touch me. So if his snoring is getting bad, just talk about it again and see if he will go get checked out. I talked to my husband about it and he doesn't mind if I roll him over or wake him and ask him to roll over. That is how we resolved it bc he doesn't snore too bad on his side. He would rather me hassle him a little than go and sleep somewhere else and I don't like giving up my comfy bed for the couch one bit. I think in marriage you have to compromise a lot, so tell him straight you want to be near him but here are your issues and see what he is willing to give. Maybe you guys can agree on one night a week that is just your time where if you fall asleep on the couch he won't be upset, but the rest of the week you pack it in with him. If you are willing to change your schedule a bit then maybe he will be willing to get checked out or let you move him at night like my hubs does. Who knows? The key is putting it out there with a resolution in mind and making a plan everyone is happy with. I love my sleep! I can't handle not sleeping so we had to work on this issue and not being together was just not an option. Good luck!! :D

Honestly I can understand how your husband feels in a way because I am on the opposing side. My husband and I have totally different schedules and he has to have some down time before he goes to sleep. Me on the other hand I don't care what time of day it is -I can sleep. Therefore almost every night I go to bed on my own which in a way I don't mind because my husband snores and grinds his teeth horribly. If by chance he goes to bed before me and falls asleep before I do then I have such a hard time falling asleep and get very frustrated at him. If I fall asleep before him I am fine. He can grind his teeth and snore to his heart content. I will say this though-I am NOT happy with our sex life. When I have to go to bed by myself I feel very very lonely its not always about the sex. Sometimes I wonder why I am even married-other times I'm glad he isn't in the bed with me-lol! Therefore I have mixed emotions about it. So......I can understand why your hubby might be upset about it even though he understands the "why's" of why you do what you do. Have you tried melatonin to help you sleep? Does the snoring still affect you even after you have fallen asleep? If not have you tried going to bed before him to fall asleep first?
Also I wanted to mention about the fact you are falling asleep in front of T.V. if I recall they have done studies on this and they actually tell you to refrain from watching T.V. an hour before bedtime because it actually "stimulates" the brain rather than "relax" it. Have you tried reading a book or something similiar to see if that makes a difference? At the very least talk to the hubby about going to see a Doctor about the snoring-they have stuff these days to help with that-usually the biggest factor with snoring is weight issues. I know my hubs snores the worst when he has packed on the pudges but when he loses the weight the snoring seems to disappear-who knows maybe just a coincidence???