Hubby Doesn't Want More, I Do....

First of all...How old is your husband. He may just feel completely overwhelmed with his life right now and he is unable to think of having another child. You are young so you have plenty of time to grow and for both of you to change your minds. I also think that it is important that you don't associate your interior happiness with the number of children you have because you will never be satisfied and your children will sense that you are unhappy with "just them". Give yourself the time to be content with what you have and then see how god blesses the change in attitude. Just a little food for thought. Many of us want to have large families, I know that I did. (at least 6) I was unable to for medical reasons, I had 8 miscarriages and then my plumbing completely gave out after my 2nd son was born. It was a hard transition to make thinking of only having 2 children. Now in retrospect I see the blessing of having just my boys. I am not normally in a position physically to take care of more than my boys (Now Teenagers). We never know what life is going to bring our way positively or negatively. Your husbands stubborn behavior on this issue may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. My sister (who wanted 2 kids) now has 4 and she is completely overwhelmed and begging for a full time nanny. Go figure, but that is what her life is meant to be. My best advice is to continue to put your relationship with your husband first and trust his judgement and timing in these matters. What a shame it would be if you had more children but lost the man you love in the process. Best of wishes to you, I know that you will overcome this with flying colors. Just focus on the current and let God take care of the future.

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What an incredibly hard situation! It is more than frustrating to have such a big decision pretty much taken out of your hands and decided for you. I also would like 1 more, and my husband says "No Way!". I have decided that I really don't have much choice but to put my faith to the test. My prayer every day is that either his mind OR my mind will be changed on the matter. I have hope because he hasn't gotten a vasectomy yet! I hope you have some hope too. You are so young! I don't know how much help this was, but just know that people care and you're not alone. I really hope things turn out for you. Hang in there!

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If your husband feels stressed about the family/financial situation now then pushing to have more kids will only make your relationship deteriorate quickly. If you love each other enough that you want to spend your lives together be very careful about the demands you make. Don't bring it up to him anymore - if he wants to discuss it with you again let him. If times improve in the future (like several years) then you can revisit the subject - unless he is so adamant about his decision that he goes in for a vasectomy with or without your blessing. If that happens then you need to decide for yourself personally if he is The One and whether or not you want to sacrifice your desire for more kids to continue to be with him. You said yourself that you are still young - my sister didn't even have her first child until she was 35 - so you DO have time before the option isn't there anymore - with your husband or someone else. Enjoy the kids you have right now - if you are blessed with more you will appreciate that your prayers have been answered. Good luck.

Although I have not personally gone through this situation, I was just thinking, maybe if you wait till you are finacially ready to have more children and you dont have an infant, it might appeal to him more then. Some people can only see the now and not the future, the way things will be for them in 3-4 years is to hard to comprehend. Right now you have two young children, one very young so hes not going to have the "I want a baby" feelings because you have one. I would wait about 3 years, awhile after you have graduated, and when your youngest is much more independent, by then almost 4 and having another baby would not seem so overwhelming then. I dont think the subject is closed permanetly, just for now. Good luck, I really hope you can compromise and have another child.

Hi C.,

I am in the same situation as you are although I am a bit older and don't have a whole lot of time left to have a third. My husband says the only way he would consider another child is if we won the lottery. I am 39 years old, so I make sure he buys a ticket for every drawing now....LOL. I have always wanted 3 and have found that I am not giving up yet. I will be 40 in February and am really hoping to have a 3rd before I turn 42. I would say. Don't talk about it again for a while. Then when finances start getting a little easier once school is done. Then Bring it up. My parents were always trying to figure out how to feed us and all. They would sometimes go without and just feed us kids and all. I have 2 sisters. My husbands parents aren't like mine. He has 3 sisters and his Dad blames them for his not completing college. I would look at how he grew up and try to understand why he is saying what he is saying. It may not be that he doesn't want another child, it may be that he doesn't want his situation to end up like it was when he grew up and wants to be able to give his family more then that. He may change his mind if things change and start becoming easier for you financially after school is done and you are both able to bring in more whether it be from the side business you do now, or what you are studying to be.

D.

As a monther myslef, I totally understand your feelings. My advice to you would be to Be Patient, Loving, Supportive and Understanding. Men have a HUGE Responsibilty to provide for their family and they do not want to feel like a failure.
It sounds to me like, with both of you in school, the timing to "Talk about this issue" may not be good ~ Right now.
I have come to understand that there are definitely times in life where; "It is more important for me to BE UNDERSTANDING than it is for me to Worry about Being Understood!"
I would recommend Waiting until you are a little more stable financially before bringing it up again. Be prayerful about it and put your own feelings aside just for a little while and focus on the beautiful blessing of the two children that you do have and the blessing that you do have a husband.
If you truely want more children, ask God to soften the heart of your husband toward this issue. My guess would be that your husband is feeling EXTREMELY OVERWHELMED with all of his responsibilities as a husband and a father and He needs to be respected for where he's at right now mentally, emotionally, physically...
It's hard, I know and I 100% validate your feelings... Just be patient, loving, supportive, understanding & PRAYERFUL. It will all work out if we show respect towards eachothers feelings. Time can change a lot. So for now, enjoy what you do have and things will work out! FINANCIAL Stability is CRUCIAL!!!
Good Luck C. and remember ~ God DOES hear our prayers!

Just be understanding for now. He will probably be open to it in the future. A man wants to know for certain that he will be able to provide for his family and they can also find that the children can be taking away from "his husband time" Many men can develop a slight jealousy towards their children. Just make sure his needs are being met and continue to let him know what a good provider he is (without over doing it). Basically build up his man ego..lol
Don't make an issue over it at this point in time, cuz you don't want to have him harbor resentment and you don't want to harbor it yourself. When you two come to a time when you are truley ready, then talk to him and compromise. He will have seen what a wonderful mother you have turned out to be abd he will also be more comfortable with what he already has. i hope this helps my dear. Good luck to you!

I know that you are in a difficult situation especially since he won't discuss why with you. I just wanted to let you know my husband told me that after this year no more because he doesn't want to be 70 something when the last graduates from high school. HTH

Hi C.,

My heart goes out to you. What a tough spot to be in. If I can offer any advice it is this: HAVE PATIENCE. You are SO very young and have a lot of years left in you to "bear children". It is not wise to push a subject on someone, especially our spouses, when they seem to have made up their minds. I am 36 years old and currently 32 weeks pregnant with baby number 4. My three sons that I have now (ages 10,8, and 4 1/2) were all born with a hereditary blood disorder. It is emotionally taxing, but we have been blessed with my husband having a very good job with excellent health benefits, and I can stay home to take care of my sweet boys. So the past 10 years of blood transfusions have not been a financial burden, but have certainly not been a piece of cake. When #3 came along, I was so emotionally exhausted from it all that I INSISTED that I was done having babies. I DID NOT want to keep going through the agony of CBC's and blood transfusions. As I spoke with my mouth that I was done, I knew in my heart that I wasn't -- but I was too proud to admit otherwise. I was DONE. Then a funny thing happened...time passed and my heart softened. I spoke with my husband regarding the matter of having more kids and he smiled and said, "I know." He had had a feeling that another child (a girl) was meant to come to our family. When I asked him why he didn't tell me this before, his response was logical -- why discuss with you something that you refused to talk about or consider at the time? I was humbled and thankful for his patience and love on the matter. It's true too -- if your husband is hell-bent on NOT having more kids, but you feel that there are more in your future, BE PATIENT. Let it go for now and pray that your husband will be on the same page as you WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. That's what my husband did with me and the results speak for themself. If it (eventually) becomes a huge issue in your marriage, I highly suggest getting some counseling. As you know...marriage is all about compromises and mutual respect. In the meantime...be thankful you are young, that you have 2 wonderful children already, and then hang in there!

Good luck!
A.

P.S. -- Baby #4 is another *BOY*. You should have seen the look on my husband's face when he saw that ultrasound! He was IN SHOCK at the thought of us trying again for that girl he feels is meant to be here! He said, "Five kids...can we have five kids??" It was priceless! Only time will tell!

I'm sorry about your husband's response. But that being said, you shouldn't push the issue any further at this time. You have two children now, so be thankful for the two you have, and not sad about the ones you don't. It sounds to me like he's being practical - you're both in school, I don't know what kind of job he has, but you are able to stay home with your children, and that's a blessing in and of itself.
Just give yourselves time - like you said, you're still young!

this sounds like a difficult situation. having children should be a decision that both of you agree on. if you get pregnant will it jeopardize your marriage? if it does then it will a ffect yor two children. are you willing to take that chance. i t sounds like he has alrady made the decision no matter if you think it is unreasonable that he wont "talk about it" . I fi were you i would concnetrate all my energy on the kids you do have. i can tell you form experience that it is not easy raising kids as a single parent. not on you or the kids. i can also tell you that although you may have degrees and making more money, it is never enough. as the kids grow older it costs more and more. it is not fair to the kids to have to do with less because there are more of them. i only have two biological boys. i was a single parent for 7 years before i remarried. i had 5 miscarriages in between the two and feel blessed to have both of them. i too wanted a big family but unfortunately it wasnt meant to be. but it was a blessing because instead of being a single parent with 7 kids i only had two to support. when i married my current husband he was 29. he has two kids form a previous marriage and we did discuss having one of our own. but he didnt want any more kids. his last two were "mistakes" . she got pregnant while they were in college, then he went into the military to support them. she wanted more kids and he wanted to wait until he was out of the army in 4 yrs, because he didnt want to not be there for his kids. it was hard enough with the one kid. when he was stationed in korea she told him she was pregnant again even though she knew he didnt want more kids. well the second one turned out not to be his anyway but the point is that he made it very clear that he didnt want more. he raised my son since he was 4. yongest son just graduated and is in college and he has been the best father ever to him. so when he told me he didnt want more kids i was a bit disappointed but he made sure that it wouldnt happen again and went and had a vasectomy before we got married. that was his choice. i resigned my slef to not having any more kids but 6 years agowe took in a 14 yrs old boy as a foster. it was his idea, he was coaching him and the kid was pretty much on the street. we eventually adopted him and 4 other boys throughout the years. he found the first one i found the second two and we both found the last two. poepls say that we are crazy to take in teenagers. even with all the problems they had in teh past, they were a joy to raise. they are all out of the house now and are excelelnt young men. i wish i had had them since birth so that they wouldnt have gone through so much but the years that i had them were the most fulfilling ever. one is a Marine just back form Iraq, another in the coast guard, two graduated form mechanic school, aother is playing semi pro baseball. my two biological sons are 13 yrs apart, my oldest has a cattle ranch my youngest is going to nursing school on a cross country scholarship. so all i cna say is that rewards come to those who wait. maybe in a few years he will change his mind, or not. just be happy with what you have for now. if he changes his mind and its too late, consider adoption. there are so many "unadoptable kids" that desperately need a loving family. havign so many boys in the house in the last few years has been hectic, we all had to budget and sometimes didnt get things we wnated. and sometimes it broke my heart but we managed. i woudl never had done it differently. i miss all my boys terribly but they always come home. labor day weekend i had mikey the coast guard kid, brian the marine and my youngest at home. they brought along three friends and the house was buzzing agian like before i fed them and loved on them . there is not better feeling that to cuddle on the couch with a 6ft tall man/boy and have him tell me that he loves me so much.

I would give your husband more time. He is probably just feeling the stress of trying to support you and the two you already have. My sister's husband was the same way and he has come around to wanting more, so I think time is the key. Give him a year.

I understand how you feel, mine is the same way. I have a 6yo and he still doesnt want more (didnt even want ANY to begin with, so I am grateful for the one I have.) I am not sure what I can tell you that will comfort you, other than "YOU'RE NOT ALONE!"

Don't worry or focus on the one you dont have, but on the ones you DO have (including your husband!!)

I would like to offer words of comfort that it may help your marriage if you don't have another. Having three children is very difficult on a marriage and if your husband doesn't want any more, you may have to compromise on this one.

My advice: Love your babies and don't have any more unless your hubby gladly and eagerly wants them. If you have more against his wishes, he will be bitter, angry, resentful and hostile.

A friend of mine had a baby against her husband's will. They are now divorced because of that very issue and her baby does not have a daddy. It's not worth it.

Time may do the trick. Or, on the other hand, he may really know his mind. Only time will tell.

You are very blessed to have two beautiful kiddos!! Congratulations!!

Your youngest son is only 8 months old so I would give it some time and your husband might change his mind. It's hard to want another baby when you still have one that is so young. I'm speaking from my own experience - when I had my twins for the first year I said I didn't want anymore (before I always said I wanted 4 kids). Now that they're 15 mo old I am starting to want another one. Just drop the subject for a while, he might have a change or heart.

I was in the same situation. I already had 2 boys and wanted that girl. Hubby was dead set on not having anymore and so I mentally prepared myself not to either. Well, this summer I had a huge shock...I was pregnant! We don't know how or when, just calling it the will of God! Not sure if it is a girl yet, but keeping my fingers crossed! Good luck!!

Hi C.-
Those of us who have what my grandmother called her 'mania for children' understand you perfectly. It is hard to imagine life without continuing with your functioning as a female able to conceive and bear children. I had six miscarriages; finally went to bed and for nine months and had my one and only. Couldn't go to bed with a toddler. It has been hard, but I am very grateful for my son- I think that he means more to me than some people's children because I had to go through so much to get him.

That said, I have several suggestions. If your husband makes a lot of these unilateral decisions and expects you to suck it up, I would ask for counseling. A marriage involves both people making decisions, although the financial concerns are valid. Since he is the person who doesn't want children, you should be able to stop trashing your body with birth control while he gets a vasectomy. You are a very young woman. Don't tie your tubes. Continue with your schooling, and invest more time in that as your children grow older. You are not just a mommy. Perhaps you will be able to do a lot of good in the world for a lot of children during your lifetime. You will find that they all become yours on some level.

Hope this helps. S.

Hi C.,

I completely understand what you are feeling. My husband and I have 3 children and after my last baby, who is now 3,he said that was it. At the time I agreed and just kind of got used to the idea he was my "baby". Now 3 years later I am really wanting another. I like you just don't feel like I am done. I on the other hand am 33 years old...almost 34 and do not want anymore kids after 35. I started asking him a few months ago and again he said "no" so I went ahead and just figured it was maybe for the better financially and be happy with my 3 that are healthy and beautiful (which of course I am thrilled with them and couldn't love them more)So we scheduled a vasectomy...guess what, he backed out at the last minute but still said he didn't want any more..but it gave me hope. This past weekend we went away for our anniversary and after we went on this really exhausting hike he said "so lets talk about having this baby" I couldn't have been more shocked or thrilled. Thru the years I have learned that my husband has always got to be the one in control over BIG decisions and if it isn't "his idea" then he turns it around to seem like he thought of it. Maybe it makes him feel more like a man and that is perfectly fine with me! My advice would be because you are so young...give it time and don't pressure him because you will either make him very angry or like someone else said push him to do something he just isn't wanting to do at that time. It is all in Gods hands and just keep praying. You may change your mind down the road as well. You never know.

My thoughts are with you,
M.

I'm so sorry about this painful time for you. Marriage is difficult because it always involves differences of opinions. Your marriage will be stronger if you demonstrate to your husband that you not only listen to his opinions but understand where he is coming from. (You don't have to agree to understand.) If you don't both say "yes" to a big decisions then it has to be a "no." You can choose to be depressed about it or you can choose to be thankful for the blessings you have. If you become the happy and content wife that your husband can't wait to come home to, you never never will have to worry that he will leave. Now that would be depressing.

Good for you for wanting to have more kids! You sound like a very loving and caring mom. And your children are the source of great happiness to your life. How could your husband want to prevent that joy and happiness from growing? I'm sure that you would never demand that he give up something that brings joy and passion to his life. Out of love for you he should reconsider his decision. I think you should take a stand. After all, a marriage is intended to be open to having kids...and that number should not be limited because of what one person in the marriage wants. Maybe you can try marriage counseling? Marriage is a partnership...your husband may not want more kids but it's really not his choice. God, who created marriage, created it for the intention of allowing children to be born into this world. The Good Lord has blessed you with two beautiful children. Why won't your husband allow Him to bless you with more?

I wish you the very best in this situation!

Hi C.! I am in a relationship with a man nine and a half years my senior and he has two children from a previous marriage that ended badly. Because of what the kids had to go through with the divorce he is very squeamish about wanting more kids. It may take a while but if he sees how badly you want more children he will likely agree to it when things are more stable and he feels a little more financially secure. After three and a half years my fiance has finally agreed that in two or three more when can have a baby that both of us feel comfortable having. Jist don't pressure him about it too much, like you said you have time, and tooo much pressure may make him agree in too big of a hurry and regret it later or stop considering it at all. You definitely want all of your babies to be wanted by the both of you all the way through.

Hi C.,

This is a hard one! I'm in the same situation only the other way around. My husband wants another baby and for the past year I've been saying no. Give your husband time. My husband has left the situation alone for a while now and I'M now starting to feel the urge to do this ONE MORE TIME. Plus, I also see it from your stand point. My sister was the one wanting baby #3 and her husband told her no...now her middle child is 8 and baby #3 just turned 3! It can happen but it's also a decision that both of you need to agree on.

Good luck!

Just wanted to share my opinion. When money started getting tight for everyone, my husband got nervous about having more children. I think that guys feel and worry about the financial well being of their family a lot more than girls. I don't think it has anything to do with who is working or providing either. I would try to leave the subject alone for a while and maybe bring it up in a few months, just ask if he is ready to discuss it and then let him lead the converstion. Good luck, with my husband I left it alone for a while and he came around and is now open to more.
Good luck.

You sound exactly like I did!! I had my first two kids at 23 and 25 and I wanted more and hubby didn't. It was an on-going discussion for 4 years. My man was very firm about not having anymore so I stopped nagging him about it and just prayed that he would be open to it later in life. When my kids were about 6 and 4 (more managable ages for my husband) he decided he wouldn't mind trying again and now we have an almost two year old and our "suprise" baby 3 month old. There is a 5 year gap between the two sets of kids and I LOVE it! The older two (9 & 7) love to help with their siblings and it is a lot more managable for me. I am now 33 with 4 kids...crazy!!Hope this helps!!

C. -my husband and I went through the kind of the same thing. We both had children from previous relationships - he had two and I had one - and he said absolutely no more children at first, even though he saw how much it hurt me to have his mind so set.
We are now the proud parents of a beautiful baby girl.
So don't give up hope - enjoy your children and your husband now, and who knows what the future may bring? You are young, you have so much time - I was 31 when I had our daughter, and our other children were 13, 10, and 8.
Try to find comfort in the fact that things change with time, even if that change may be simply that you decide you are fine with the two you have. I wish you all the best.
J.