How Would You React to This? - Bloomington,IL

no judgement here, but i wouldn't even consider dying a childs hair at that age. long term exposure is dangerous to their health. and should appearance at that age be such a focal point that her hair color needs to be changed? i think the teacher may have bigger issues here and is using the small, insignificant points to try to make her point. however, calling out a child that age in front of the class is unacceptable.

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You dye your second graders hair?? I have never heard of that! But perhaps it is a cultural thing I just don't know about. Maybe the teacher is reacting to that...why a kid that young would dye her hair. I am wondering if it looked natural or 'punk'. If punk she may have thought that was a distraction. I don't think they can monitor the amount of beads and such because where would the limit be? Are ten beads ok but 20 are bad?

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Email or call the teacher to find out what really happened - tell her your daughter is a little confused about hair and ask what the teacher said so you can be on the same page.

Don't confront up front about what's in the handbook or not - save that for later. I'd ask for a meeting so you don't exchange emails back and forth.

As a former teacher, I have to say that kids often get things a little bit wrong. For example, if would make a difference to me as a parent if my child made a big deal about her hair and disrupted the class, and then the teacher had to respond.

But I also think that talking to a child in front of the class is a problem. I would ask questions of the teacher - exactly what was said, when/where was it said, what prompted it, what is the teacher's goal, what is the policy, etc.

I wouldn't let it go - you don't know if it's nothing, or if it's something. You'll be teaching your daughter that parents and teachers communicate for the welfare of the children.

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First of all, as a former teacher and a mom of 2, I know that children don't always get the story just right when telling about something that happened earlier in the day. Not that children are lying, but just don't remember exactly right. If the teacher did confront her in front of the whole class, that was a bad choice on the teacher's part. She should have been more discreet. I have to add that I am completely shocked that you dye your child's hair. No judgement, just shock.

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I would talk to the teacher about your daughter coming home upset and ask to confirm, non-confrontationally, what was said and what happened.
Let her tell her side and explain you didn't see anything in the handbook.

Also, since the principal obviously saw your daughter's hair, you can ask the principal what the policy is.

Sometimes little kids take things that are said to heart or make them bigger than they are. I'm not saying that happened in this case, but you won't know what was really said until you ask the teacher.
If there are rules....you'll know what they are for next time.

Best wishes.

I just saw your update and I'm wondering if the distraction came from so many other students commenting about your daughter's hair.
It might not be that there's anything really wrong, but I'm wondering if that's where the distraction could have come in. After all, it's the first thing the principal noticed and commented on in the morning.

No offense, but I'm with some of the other moms who wonder why you are coloring her hair so young. Like I said, maybe it's not that it's a horrible thing, just that other kids are commenting or asking about it to the point it was drawing a little too much attention.
Either way, you need to talk to the teacher so the two of YOU are in communication about it.

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The teacher shouldn't have said anything, and I would ask her about it. Just ask her what happened in regards to your daughter's hair, because you've only heard your daughter's end of it. If it's not in the handbook, she doesn't need to mention it -particularly in front of the class. Kids come to school all the time with something the others may get distracted about for a little while -special new shoes, a new hairstyle, some type of coveted clothing -but it doesn't mean it's not allowed.

Just wondering -why are you dying a 2nd grader's hair? I've just never seen or heard of anyone dying a child's hair until the kid wanted it around the middle school years.

***After reading the "So what happened" -I guarantee you the reason they never say anything about the braids and beads is because it would be construed by many as a racist or racially-charged rule. I can imagine the brouhaha here if any school instituted a "no beads in braids" policy.

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Please don't go to the principal or "confront" the teacher. Rather, talk to the teacher. Say something simple like, "My daughter mentioned a problem with her hair. I'm so sorry if this caused a problem for you. What can we do?"

Give her an opportunity to explain the situation without making her feel defensive. Children can misunderstand and don't always give you an accurate picture. Hear what the teacher has to say. You want to work with her to resolve a situation. Not do things to make it worse.

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The teacher handled it inappropriately. She should have contacted you directly. However, why are you coloring your 2nd grader's hair? Beads and barrettes are one thing, but coloring?

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I would ask to speak to the teacher in person but not accuse her yet. Just hear her side of the story, maybe even visit her with your daughter so she can see you standing up for her. My daughter wears her long hair in pony tails or braids, or loose with fancy clips or a glitter hair band, so the comment about it being "distracting" sounds a little far fetched to me. We have boys in school who have shaved sides and floppy tops, or hair in their eyes a la Justin Beeber (talk about a silly haircut that gives you a neck ache to shake it out of your eyes every 10 seconds!), there is even a boy with long dreadlocks. He does stand out but he still has them, so it must be allowed. Since nothing official came home from school to tell you she cannot have this the next day I would ask the teacher what happened.
I also want to comment that if you are using (semi)permanent hair dye, I find her a bit young for that. What kind of message are you sending your daughter that her own hair color is not good enough? I feel hair color is not an accessory, and changing color is OK for covering gray, or when my daughters will spray in blue or gold for "silly hair day" that washes out that night. But to each their own, and the way your daughter describes it happening would anger me too. Just make sure she got all the facts. Good luck.

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I would ask the teacher nicely. What happened yesterday that was so distracting? If your daughter was talking about her hair all day or at inappropriate times than you need to talk to your daughter about saving conversations for lunch time recess time etc. (Im just trying to guess what upset the teacher) start with being on the teachers side and wondering what you can do to help. Maybe you'll find out there is more to the story.
If she continues to claim it is against the rules (let her put that in an email you can show the principal!) then ask her where in the handbook??

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I don't see how it's distracting unless she gets some crazy color like blue or something. My high school had a girl with a purple mohawk and nobody ever had a problem with it, but my middle school only allowed hair coloring if the color naturally appears on humans. I'd contact the teacher about it but not make a big deal out of this. If it's not in the handbook and the principal is cool with it then the teacher is in the wrong.

Personally, I'm not an advocate of children getting their hair colored until they're older, but I'm not really against it either if it looks nice. My dad once yelled at my sister for getting red highlights when her coloring is 100% natural, but he let me get highlights as a teen to enhance my natural coloring which was fading due to lack of sunlight. However, he always told me not to get too much blonde.

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I would talk to the teacher since all you know right now is what your 7 year old told you. If youve read the guidebook and there isnt an ambiguous clause stating certain dress, makeup, hairstyle/color, tattoos, jewelry, etc are not advised, just ask the teacher what happened yesterday?

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I would absolutely address this with the teacher AND the principal. The teacher was way out of line saying something to your daughter in front of the class, and I would let both the teacher and the principal know that you are not happy with the way it was handled. If it IS in the handbook, then your hands are kind of tied, but if not, then the teacher has absolutely no place telling your daughter how she can and can not do her hair. I hope your daughter isn't affected by this and I hope she's able to brush it off and keep on rockin her hair as she chooses!!

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She should have said something to your daughter AND you. Not just your daughter, though I find same thing happening in our school too. The teacher says something to the child but does not follow up with the parent.
That said, yes, I find it shocking that your young daughter is being allowed to have her hair dyed.

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I'd take this to the principal.
It wasn't right for the teacher to single your daughter out like that.

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In public school we have no policy on hair color. They are more concerned with having everything from shoulders down to knees covered and not hanging out or being exposed.
In private school they had a hair policy. BUT they also had a March Maddness day where hats and way out hair styles/colors were ok. Wigs, mohawks, spikey looks with hair glue and glitter, blue, green, red hair, etc. It was lots of fun!
Teacher should have sent home a note (after checking the schools policy).

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I would not email about it...so much can be lost in the message (tone means a lot). Talk to the teacher and find out exactly what the policy is and what is or is not acceptable (ask to see the policy if you can't find it...take manual w/ you).

Most schools these days specify that hair can not be dyed an "unnatural colors" which means shades of blonde, brown, red (not red-red but natural looking red) and black would be acceptable.

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Yeah, I would say something to the teacher. I think it sounds like her hair was adorable and if the teacher had an issue she definitely should have come to you. A 7 yr old does not have a lot of power over her own life and the teacher talked to her as if she was a grown person. I mean a 7 yr old is not responsible to be knowledgeable about the handbook, why would that even be said. This would bother me and I would address it. My goodness everyone doesn't have to be a cookie cutter version of each other. Cute hair is no cause for such drama. I think that anything relating to coloring of hair would be only in some unnatural color such as neon blue all over that is more related to like a punk style which is generally not permitted in schools. Good luck!

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I live in Texas, but I do know they have a school code on hair color. It needs to be more natural colors, no green, blue, pink, like that...
As for the Teacher, I would just talk to her and find out why she didn't contact you. She may have said it in front of the whole class so that others would know they aren't to color their hair. But she should have emailed or sent a note home for you.

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Well i can totally see how the red might have been against policy(im assuming it was not a natural looking red, like auburn), but the blond? thats a nuetral color. I give my daughter highlights, they are subtle but they are definitely there. I know school policy has always been that whatever "distracts" is not allowed. I believe this leaves alot open to the teachers discretion. Which, i am totally on the fence about. I think its important for one to be an individual, straying from the norm is a good lesson about life. BUT. A teachers job is difficult and if certain styles and colors of hair actually DO distract then id have to fare with the teachers opinion on it.

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I think it is inappropriate for her to direct her comments to your daughter in front of the class.
I think she should have sent a note home if there was an issue. I, personally, am not a fan of young children changing their hair color, regardless of whether it is "natural" colors or not (i.e., not purple or green). But, my personal opinion (or the teacher's personal opinion) should not enter into it. If it follows the handbook guidelines (usually they do mention something about non-natural coloring with hair), then she is out of line completely, not just regarding how she went about mentioning it.

I think I would send her a short note asking that if she has issues with your daughter's appearance, you would appreciate her taking them up with YOU in private and not your daughter, particularly in front of the class.

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If it was me, I would just ignore it until the teacher actually approaches you and says something. Otherwise I would just go on like nothing was ever said. Maybe your daughter didn't correctly convey the tone of the teachers comment when she told you about it...? Maybe the teacher was just being sarcastic...?

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I would make a comment to the teacher. I'd bet money that she is thinking that your daughter is too young and more so speaking her opinion than the rules. Some teachers just don't know boundaries, I'm almost thinking of having a talk with my daughter's teacher for being too controlling and yelling at her class. So yes maybe I'd email that way it's not so uncomfortable.

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If it were me, I wouldn't email the teacher, but just give a call. (I've found email to be very problematic in regard to problem-solving) You can just start the conversation with an acknowledgement of what was said "You know, the other day, when Sophia came home, she told me she was very upset. She said that you'd spoken to her in front of the entire class about her hairstyle being disruptive to the group and against policy, and so I'm looking to find out what happened, and to find some common ground on this."

I'm always willing to check in with a teacher if my son tells me something is bothering him. Sometimes kids don't absorb ALL that the teacher says, and only focus on the part that upset them, because that's what stays with them. Obviously, this was upsetting for your daughter, and it's also worthwhile to find out what else had been going on. Perhaps it was distracting from what the teacher was doing because the other girls were asking questions about it when they should have been paying attention to the teacher. (At this age, it's a possibility). While the distraction during classtime should have been addressed directly to the group--"Eyes forward, ladies! We can talk about Sophia's hair at recess.", the issue with the hair color itself should have been addressed to you via note or phone call, because the teacher has no way of knowing if you received the information or if your daughter would just forget it (conveniently or not!)

I think many classrooms/schools are also trying to find balance in allowing children and families some autonomy in dress and hairstyle while trying to maintain an atmosphere of learning. Admittedly, this has always been a challenge. Historically, girls at one point were barred from wearing pants to school, then jeans, then skirts had to be a certain length, etc. With all the different hairstyles, body piercings, inappropriate clothing, etc. it's very hard for the teachers and admin to find a solution everyone likes. Only relatively recently have I seen younger children so significantly altering their hair. If the teacher is anything like me-- 30 years ago, when I was your daughter's age, the most outrageous hairstyle I might have seen in class was the sideways ponytail or braids and barrettes on the African-American girls. Some people, teachers included, also have strong feelings about chemically processing a young child's hair. So trying to find a common ground and building a bridge with that teacher will be important, because you all have the next 5+ months together.

I hope it's a productive conversation.
H.

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I would of thought Sophia's teacher would of contacted you AND had a ONE on ONE conversation with Sophia. It's in the school handbook? Hmm..I wouldn't think it would have been in the handbook either. I'm a mom of 4 children and I STILL read their handbook every year..just because I had an incident with one of my children. I wasn't contacted. I heard it from my son and I called the teacher(which I recommend you do too).

As a parent, I try to keep communication open with my childrens teachers because they're with my children most of the day and I'd like to know how I can help on my end.

Anyhow, when I'm unsure about a "school" situation...lucky for me..I ask my best friend, who is a 1st grade teacher and I would give her a quick scenario and ask for her "teacher" advice. Usually, what I previously thought I would do...she would confirm. I just asked her about your situation. This is what she said~ 1. Sophia's teacher should have not have embarrassed her in front of the class( that could do some damage to a child's self esteem). 2. She should of contacted you the same day. My friend didn't think that was professional of her to do that.

School principal...even commented her..wow! I hope this issue gets resolved in good terms. I hope Sophia is okay.

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I let my son get highlights last spring (as a 3rd grader thnough he'd been asking for them for a year). And though the teacher did not say a word about it being a distraction, a got a lot of joking, "Thanks a lot" comments from other parents because their sons were now pestering them for highlights.

BTW -- They keep those dress and grooming codes vague on purpose because it is hard to predict what will be distracting. You can argue about it but I might not rock the boat. After all, since the teacher did not tell you about her no-more-color request -- It is kinda like it never happened. Just continue to raise your daughter as you see fit. If the teacher decides to escalate the issue directly with you or the principal -- Then THAT is when you can raise Cain.

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I'd be mad. It sounds like the teacher was just irritated and taking out some personal pet peeve of hers on your daughter. What she said was insensitive and inappropriate. I would address it with the teacher first. Ask to meet with her and ask her to tell you again what she told your daughter in front of her class. Have the handbook with you. Tell her your daughter was hurt and embarrassed. And confused, because the principal herself said as she arrived at school that day "Oh Sophia, I love your hair, it's so cute!" I would ask that since she reprimanded her in front of the class, that she apologize to her in front of the class. If she balks, I would tell her that as upset and you and your daughter both are, you were hoping to resolve the matter directly with HER instead of going above her to the principal. She ought to be at least grateful to fix her mistake without having her boss involved. If you aren't satisfied after meeting with the teacher, I'd send a email to the principal explaining what happened.

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Is she white? Tell her she should educate herself on black hair and mind her own business. ;)

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I agree with you, I find it odd that the teacher brought this up to your daughter and not to you. Personally I don't know a single second grader who could have been able to dye her hair by herself without her parents permission or help. Talking to you would have been a proper way to discuss what her exact issue was. I could see that it might have been disruptive on a first day with all the other kids looking and telling her how they thought it was cute/nice/pretty or something like that, but the second day kids see stuff like that it's "old news" and no longer a distraction. But it would be the same with new clothes or shoes, I don't see why it would be different with hair. I'm sure she wouldn't have pulled a littly boy out and said "You are not allowed to have new shoes anymore, they are too distracting to the class."
I think you may need to talk to the teacher and see if she had a specific reason for saying what she did to your daughter, then go from there.

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There's a miscommunication going on. I would describe to the teacher that your daughter was upset with what she said, that you didn't see it anywhere in the handbook and you didn't see it as a problem.

It might be because it is one streak of highlight this time versus the whole head. What does this have on the child learning I have no idea...but I would address the teacher in a non-confrontational manner.

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I would definitely email the teacher and tell her what your daughter said...but try to do it in a nice way. Sometimes kids can take things out of context and get confused by what adults are saying and maybe your daughter "misheard" her teacher. OR it really was said that way in front of the class and that is absolutely wrong and you will need to get in there and have a conference with your daughter's teacher and principal. Good luck!

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That's strange... Usually the problem isn't that the hair is changed, it's what the hair is changed to... It's not like you dyed her hair blue! I don't see it as being any worse than getting a haircut. While I personally wouldn't dye my DD's hair so young, it's YOUR daughter, and it's not affecting her health, so it's really not anyone's business but your own. Just my opinion.

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I agree the teacher should have taken you aside and not ridiculed your daughter in front of the other students. However, I question regularly dying your second graders hair. Not only does it not sound healthy or good for her hair, but I think it sends a couple of messages that you may not be considering, such as the hair she was given isn't beautiful enough which then leads to other aspects of her body which aren't perfect. It also puts other parents in a bad situation having to explain why Sophie can do it, but "I can't".

I agree that some of these things that children 'bring' to school are distractions which is why at the upper grades they don't allow halter tops, etc. Sometimes I think if parents paid this much attention to the learning environment as they do these extra curriculum activities we'd have a much smarter society.

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