I have a ten year old son and his closest friend lives next door. When they get together they are usually at our house or they play outside. My son rarely goes over there because he is allergic to their dog. I don't mind at all that he comes over, because he really isn't a bother. He sometimes eats here, spends the night and occasionally goes with us to the movies, open gym, batting cages, etc. Again, it is not a bother to take him with us and his mother is very gracious and usually sends money. My problem is that he never says thank you and a lot of the time when he needs to go home, he just leaves without saying anything to me--not even a goodbye. He is the only one of my son's friends that rarely acknowledges me. Even if I say "Thanks for coming over!" hoping that he'll reciprocate with a "Thanks for having me!", he just says "You're welcome." It really irks me. Everytime it happens, I tell my son that I hope he is not that rude when he goes to other friends' homes. But I don't think he is. When my son was younger, I would ask him if he said thank you before he left. If he said he forgot, I would have him walk back to where he was playing or call the mom to say thank you. Now, when he comes home from a friend's he walks in the door and says "Yes, I said thank you."
Should I say something to the mom, the friend or not even mention it? I know the mom would be mortified if she knew, but I'm leaning toward saying something to him first. I'm just not sure what to say. Last time he was here, I fed him dinner, drove them to a school event, let him spend the night and fed him breakfast. When I told him it was time for him to go home, he came up from the basement, put his shoes on and walked out the door. I haven't let my son invite him over since and I feel guilty, but I know when he leaves, I'll just be irritated again.
Please help! My son wants to have him over again, and I don't want to punish him because of his friend's rude behavior.
TIA!
Yea That to Grandma T, as always! Can we clone her so I can have my very own Grandma T right here when I'm having a rough day?
I really wouldn't lose any sleep over this, and I certainly wouldn't say that he couldn't come over anymore because he doesn't say "Goodbye" when he leaves. .
This is one of those teachable moments.
I'd tell him straight out that it's polite to say thank you when others do things for them or have them over. You can thank me when you are leaving.
I've done it when kids call my kids on the phone and don't say hello, who they are or even who they want to talk to. A little phone etiquette goes a long way.
You are an adult and a role model in this TEN year olds life. I think I would let him know how you feel. Just say something to him like "Hey Joey, I enjoy you hangin out with us but it really bothers me that you take off sometimes without a thanks, g'bye, see ya later alligater, or something like that so I know you had a good time and appreciated being here and that you are out the door going home. Saying "thanks" once in awhile would really make me feel better, can you start doing that from now on please, just to humor me?" You will either never see him again or he'll start being a little more communicato. You, being the adult, probably need to bring it to his attention. Or just tell your son to tell him whats buggng you, and maybe he'll listen to your son and start saying "thanks" and "bye".
It's all about his own upbringing, but dont discount that it takes a village to raise a child and all adults have the right to do a little polishing of the brass from time to time when it's warranted.
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Hes only 10! To me this wouldnt be an issue. I dont know, just seems like there are bigger things to battle in life than this. I cant believe your keeping your son from his best friend because of this. Hes probably shy. You should relax. If someone called me about this I would be embarrassed that my son wasnt always being polite, but I would also think they were psycho.
I wouldn't tell the mom. It would just end up sounding like criticism. He just doesn't have those skills yet. I love my mom and dad but I grew up without the best manners and learned later. Help the kid out. When he leaves remind him to say goodbye. Hey "Timmy", you forgot to say goodbye! Have your son remind him to say thank you. It will be much less embarrassing for the kid if it comes from your son instead of you. He just doesn't know and you and your son have the opportunity to teach him.
I was extremely shy and tongue-tied about this sort of thing when I was a kid, even as old as 10. I remember getting a stomachache worrying about the moment when I would have to leave and be expected to speak directly to my friend's mom. I grew out of it and turned out fine, am not socially-awkward or rude to those who host me, as an adult.
If I were you, I would just be sweet and when you see him getting ready to leave, say bye, see you soon, etc. Show him how a kind, polite person says thanks and goodbye, easily, no pressure--he'll start doing it when he can.
I'm a little surprised at the other Moms' answers! I can't believe that they don't see this as an issue. YES, bad manners IS an issue, and it is a rampant one in our society. I, for one, am sick of it, and choose to teach my children better. When their friends are in my home, they will treat me and my home with respect, or they can't come over any more. If my daughters see me letting their friends get away with being disrespectful, then how can I teach them that it's ok for their friends to act that way, but not them?
V., I'm with you, I think that this child is absolutely disrespectful and the issue should definitely be addressed. You are not trying to punish them! You want respect in your own home and darn well deserve it!
What I would do- is speak to your son about it first. I would say something like, "I am so glad that you have a good friend that you are very close to, however, it really hurts my feelings that he is so disrespectful to me. How would you like me to handle it?" That way, you are respecting your son and his relationship with his friend as well. Maybe you could suggest to your son that he tell your friend that he would appreciate it if he would show you some appreciation. Maybe your son won't mind you saying something to his friend. It doesn't have to be rude- you could say something like "Hey, it's really important to me that we show each other respect in this house. From now on, I would really appreciate a thank you when I let you stay over here, eat over, or when I give you a ride somewhere."
Again- I am VERY surprised at the responses you got. Interesting!
Good luck!!
His friend isn't being rude, he simply hasn't been taught. If you require a thank you, be sure to remind him in gentleness, not irritation.
My sister's home was the neighborhood place for kids to hang out. Most of those kids didn't have basic manners, but my sister gently incorporated lessons in manners without singling out kids or making anyone feel ashamed.
This doesn't appear to be a case of blatant disrespect.
As for Nikki G's post..... good for you for teaching your kids "better". But someone's lack of training in manners is no reason to blast an unaware child. That in itself is bad manners.
It may not be that he is rude. He may just be oblivious to some social norms, not taught manners, shy, or like many kids, it just doesn't occur to him. As a kid (and now), I was social awkward and shy. I avoided talking to adults as much as possible.
The most I would do is as Grandma T suggested. Keep it light-hearted and non-confrontational.
Grandma T is a genius. You are a role model.
Really make it just as simple as saying pick up some milk when you are at the store.
"Hey Johnny, you should say thanks when someone makes you dinner". "When you leave let me know you are going so i know where you are".
"Did you guys have fun today, great, ok say thanks!"
I'd address those statements to both your kid & Johnny, so they know you expect the same form both of them.
Not your kid... not your problem! I would leave this one alone. He's a good friend to your son and he isn't a problem... other than being ungrateful! Your son knows how to behave and he's the only child whose behavior is really "your business". Good for you for teaching your son how to be gracious, but this really isn't something to sever the friendship over.
While I understand your frustration and am sure some mama's on here will have some good ideas, I find this to be something you need to let go. When it comes down to it I personally don't find it your place to teach him manners and I don't think its worthy of a discussion with his mom. I agree and understand why it would irk you, but beyond that I think it needs to be forgotten. Kids are kids and some are taught manners better than others.
(Oh and I'll add while my daughter has gone over her friends house numerous times...she is still very shy when it comes to her friends parents. I have a hard time getting her to say goodbye much less a thank you when we leave sometimes. Although, she is only 5 and I am constantly working on it)
Well then, I guess he needs a gentle reminder from you!
Ask him to say it, and why not? When he is in your care, he's your responsibility, right? Makes no sense that the grown up is waiting for the 10 year old to correct the issue.
(I've had a number of kids, my kid's friends, who are my fourth, fith, sixth, etc, child....they spend so much time with us, I expect the same of them as I do my own kids, so yeah. With humor, maybe 'hey jack, I haven't heard a Thank You out of you lately'.
:)
Enjoy them!
I like Grandma T's advice. But honestly, I don't think that you should let it bother you that much. Although he could express his appreciation to you, he is not there to hang out with you or make you feel good, he is there to play with your son. Let it go!!
Obviously his parents are not teaching him manners. Just have a very nice conversation with the kid, letting him know he is very nice to have over, he is welcome any time etc, and then gently talk to him about manners. He is a kid, and he needs to be taught. Since he is your son's friend, you can help the situation. I wouldn't call his parents, he is not "bad". You'll be a big help to him :-)
Is that why you have the kid over - to get a thank you?
While I agree that the kid is rude, I would not correct him or speak to his mom. Why not have your son say something to his friend? Your son can always hit him on the arm and say, "Hey - you can thank my parents, yanno! A little appreciation goes a long way!"
Otherwise, I would drop it.
It's a reflection on the parents.
My son has a group of friends that range from über-polite to almost nearly rude.
I think it's OK to say something like "Let me know when you're leaving." or "Can you say thanks for the ride?"
If a kid's at my house, I know I can't permanently change his behavior, but I do expect him or her to follow our rules, routine, etc.
As a mom, I would be totally OK with you reminding my son to be polite if he needed it--which I hope he doesn't :) I would be mortified to learn that my son was being perceived as rude.
I agree that it is ridiculous that he cannot even give you the courtesy of a "thank you" or even a 'goodbye' when he leaves. However, that is obviously how his family has chosen to raise him and it is not your job to point out flaws to the boys parents. When I was growing up I had a friend come camping with my family and she did not bother to help gather firewood, help with clean up or anything. While my parents didn't care for it, they didn't cut me off from her. They just instilled in my that while her parents may not push her to help others, I knew the right thing to do. It sounds to me like you have done a great job in teaching your child that same lesson, and be proud of that. But I would be hesitant to punish him because your frustrations with another person's choice in child rearing.
Your house your rules. My son got to the point where I would hear him tell his friend "say hi to my mom" and "did you thank her". Mostly because my son knew that rude friends were not welcomed in my home. There was an incident where the child spoke to me improperly, I immediately saw the expression on my son's face, I knew then that I would have to correct his friend immediately and I did "young man, we do not speak to adults that way in my house" and I was done. Everyone was fine and the child continued to come over. Children begin to recognize what they can and can't do in your home because you have set the house rules.
I would say subtle little comments that is what I do. When I put snacks on the table I wait for a second for everyone to say thank you. If I don't hear by then then I say what do you guys need to say? Then everyone says thank you.
His parents probably dont make it a priority. As far as him talking to you. I would at least except a good bye. I would say Tim if your going to leave thats fine but you need to good bye thanks for having me. First of all its polite. Second I need to know where you if your parents left me in charge.
I didn't read all of the responses yet, but I have a different perspective. I was abused and neglected as a kid. When I would go to someones house I stayed far away from and avoided the adults in the house basically I guess because I did not trust them. It took me a long time to learn "regular" social skills and it is still a work in progress. I think go ahead and say something to him but do it kindly, someone may have made him wish he could disappear into the background.
This wouldn't bother me like it bothers you. I'd probably say to the kid, where are your manners, and not in a mean way or Did your mom not teach you to say "thank you" ? When you are in this house, better use your manners?
Your main concern is your child and that you have raised them up right. That you are doing a great job and your son knows how to act outside your presents.
I just have to tell you about one of my daughters friend who I found to be very rude and praying my daughter would NEVER do this... We stop by the store "Big Lots" and I was just looking around. Her friend comes up to me at the end right before I checked out and said "can you buy this bag of candy for me so I can give to my mother, she never gets anything and this is her favorite?" Inside my head I was like, "WHAT?" Of course I bought it, but I hate being put on the spot first of all, second of all, who does this? As soon as I dropped off this girl I talked to my daughter. I asked her if she EVER asked someone else's mother to buy her something or for someone else? I told her that is RUDE? If it's offered, that's one thing, but don't EVER be like that. I felt better when my daughter said I would never do something like that mom. I raised her better than that and that felt great.
Tell your son to stand up for his Mom and to tell his friend he needs to be more respectful to you and to say thank you for all you do.
Let your son know - if it doesn't change right away - he will not be invited over again.
When I was 13 I had to remind my friends to say "thank you" to my stepfather if they got a ride from him, b/c otherwise he would get mad! I always felt this was a little extreme, but you know.. my friends didn't really care, they just did it...So you could tell your son to remind his friend to thank you...
As for just leaving without saying goodbye, can you tell the child you'd like him to tell you goodbye because you worry about him getting home safe and if you know when he leaves it makes you feel better? or just walk this child to the door and say goodbye to him? It might just make you feel better..
Some kids just don't have the social skills and/or manners. I think that sometimes it's the parents fault and not the kids because no one ever taught them. My niece and nephew are in their twenties now and they have always been the nicest most respectful kids but they NEVER really said "thank you". I think it's because my sister never taught them, I blame her more than them. It would irk me too but I have just gotten over it. I don't think it's my place to teach them manners.
Wow you already have 34 answers so I'm not even gonna look at them, but I'll be brief. Sometimes we as parents forget to teach these niceties until they get older or we remind the kids when we are with them, but they don't think about it (he's ten after all) when we aren't. It seems that you are close enough that it would be okay for you to have a gentle non-challant talk or make a comment to him that it's customary to say, hello and good-bye upon entering/leaving someone's house and that upon leaving you should say thank you for having me (even when there's no dinner or going out, etc.) After the fact you may mention it to your neighbor and let day "I hope you don't mind...my son forgets all the time...). I'm sure she'll be happy you did.
he is 10 and you are practically a second mom to him, tell him flat out what you want. I did that with many of my daughter's friends for such things as phone etiquette (they would murmur hi I would ask who it was and then say you say this and they would), play etiquette and many other things. He just doesn't know that is what you want, so let him know in a nice way. A simple, Hey Billy, I really like to have you say thank you after you've played over here, ok?
We had this issue with a family who had 3 boys my son's age. We talked to my son about it and he would prompt them to say thank you and things like that. We also insisted that when they were spoken to they had to answer us as well as acknowledge us when they came into our house.
They were a bit socially retarded is all I could conclude. Their parents are very good people and very kind people, but their kids just didn't have good manners at all.
They didn't know how to behave in public either and one time just one boy was with both parents and we went out to breakfast with them. I saw the cause was that the parents never corrected the poor behavior. He kicked my son under the table and was just horrible - talked back to mom & wouldn't listen to her at all. When my son retaliated, he was corrected. It was a confusing moment for my son as his friend wasn't corrected. Dad actually even laughed when my son got in trouble. No wonder the kids don't know how to act.
When with you, you have to demand proper behavior and express this to him. I'm sure he's not a bad kid at all, he just doesn't know better. Tell your son to, he can help ensure manners are present in your home.
I am suprised at the other moms answers - I can almost guarantee that when our WELL TAUGHT children go someplace, they are not little angels like you would like to believe. Some of the moms said "Well, obviously the mom is not teaching him manners" - how do you know? Do you live with them? She could be teaching and he could be doing what 10 year olds do best - ignoring. The fact that you know the mom would be mortified if she knew how her son was acting tells me she probably is the type that would be attempting to teach manners.
I would not say a word to the mom - it would be different if he were blatently "disrespecting" you by telling you he won't abide by your rules or is outright disrespectful....but he simply isn't acting the way you would want him to.
That being said, you could very NICELY mention to the boy that in your home, people say "please" and "thank you" when someone does something for them - ie movies, dinners, etc. " How about he join in, it would really make you and your son happy"......see how he responds. He may just not get it yet - keep working with him but do it in a nice, loving manner. He is 10, not 30. He will get it.
Good luck.
I can appreciate your perspective but I doubt the kid is doing it to be mean. He may be very shy, afraid to speak, be upset about going home, etc. Maybe he is being raised to be seen and not heard, you never know what kids are being taught. It would irritate me too if he didn't say thank you when I gave him something, but you aren't his parent and in my opinion this is something that is not your place to talk to him about. I'll bet as he becomes more comfortable and sees how your son says thank you, he will start saying it too. But I would not try to talk to him about that.
However, the leaving without saying something is dangerous. I would say something about that. I tell all the kids who are at my house that my main rule is that they are not to open any outside door without my permission - ever. Even if grandma is standing outside, I will open the door. If they run out the door before I say ok- very serious consequences because there is traffic etc out there.
Good luck!
I would say to the kid next time he is over...."hey Joe....just want to cover a few things with you about when you are over here at our house or when you go out with us. We enjoy having you over here and spending time with us but I have a few expectations about how you treat me I expect you to you say hello and good bye to me when you come and go and I expect you you say thank you. These are the same expectations that we have for our son when he is at someone else's house. We would really be said if you could not come over any more...Is this something you feel you can start doing?"
That irks me too! I probably wouldn't have him over either. That's ridiculous! I'd at least ask the boy to let me know when he's leaving. I'd feel responsible and wouldn't want him just walking out the door without saying something first.
Sorry, this made me laugh but not because I think you are wrong but because it would make me irk because I also put enfassis on my kids (even the 2 year old) to say thanks, and maybe the mom does it too but the kid just don't do it anyway.
What about when the mom and kid are together and either of them open a possibility for your son to say "Thanks" you comment how proud are you that he says thank you, maybe either the mom or the kid would get the hint.
Or next time that he just say "you are welcome" you reply with "I am sure you are thankful too", well maybe that is to direct but I would want to say it and I would quitely would tell it to myself, lol.
You have received a lot of great suggestions. I have kids at my house all the time and I cannot, honestly tell you if they say thank you when they leave, or not! Sometimes, if the Mom is standing in the doorway, she may prompt them, just like I would to my kids - if they haven't said it already. I'm also sure I would be very happy if I get a legitimate, "Hey, _____, thanks for letting me come over, today!" I guess I know these kids really well, and they are almost all extremely well mannered kids most the time, so by their actions during the stay, I know they are appreciative. With that said, I also know that my oldest son is very social and comfortable around adults, so if his coach brings him home after practice, or if he is leaving someone's house, he is super comfortable saying, "Thanks, Coach!" Or "Thanks, Jeni!" BUT, my 10 year old son is not as social or comfortable around adults. He warms up if he spends a lot of time with them. But, most the time, his mind is on other things - moving on to the next thought process..LOL! SO, he needs more prompting when it comes to even talking to adults. Maybe this boy is just kind of shy around adults. Even if he knows you really well. This doesn't excuse not having manners and saying thank you, but it just made me think of his personality - given that I have a shy boy, too.
If it really bothers you, I would do something along the lines of Grandma T. I would say, "Hey, _____, did you have a good time today?" When he answers, you could just say, "Well, I hope so. We like having you here, but I never know if you like being here, because you don't say anything....like thank you." I'm such a passive-aggressive person, isn't it obvious??? ha ha!! But, that's the way I'd approach it.
Good luck!
Hi V. Beside your son not being mannerable, he seem like a nice kid. Apparently he hasn't been taught how to thank people. So it's not his fault. You have to teach children at a young age manners. So either bring this up to his mother if it bothers you that much or try to over look it. If this is the worse think that the child does. Just think of it this way, be glad that he not a bad influence on son your son like using foul language, bulling, stealing and using drugs(they start early these days)because sometimes kids tend to want to be with other kids like that thinking it's cool. Then you would really have a problem keeping your son from wanting to be with him!!!
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Hi V. Beside your son not being mannerable, he seem like a nice kid. Apparently he hasn't been taught how to thank people. So it's not his fault. You have to teach children at a young age manners. So either bring this up to his mother if it bothers you that much or try to over look it. If this is the worse think that the child does. Just think of it this way, be glad that he not a bad influence on son your son like using foul language, bulling, stealing and using drugs(they start early these days)because sometimes kids tend to want to be with other kids like that thinking it's cool. Then you would really have a problem keeping your son from wanting to be with him!!!
I disagree with the many on here who have said he's just a kid. These are probably the same moms who don't think teaching manners are necessary. You start when they're babies so that by the time they're 10, they should be pro's at a simple please and thank you. I'm teaching my 18 month old the sign for thank you since he can't say it yet. To see his chubby little hand go up to his chin and make the sign makes me so proud.
I have had many children come over who don't use manners and it irks me too. One little girl in particular just sat there when I gave her her lunch after she'd heard both my 8 yr old, and my 5 yr old say thank you to me. When her mom picked her up, she practically had to be forced to look at me and say thanks for having me. Or, I've had other kids over who think nothing of barging into my bedroom (when the door has been closed) then get mad when I tell them that room is off limits. What is with kids today???? Most of these kids have only been over once or twice so I've held my tongue, but if they were regular visitors....
So, since this boy has been so much a part of your lives and your son misses him, I would just invite him over and kindly explain that from now on when he's at your house, he will be expected to follow your family's rules and lay them out for him...if he "forgets," remind him again and if he refuses, then send him home each time. If his mom has a problem with it, then so be it. It's her problem.
How about sitting the boy down and talking to him. Tell him that you are responsible for him when he is at your house. You need to know where he is at all times. He needs to let you know when he leaves.
I don't think he is being rude on purpose, he's a kid.
He is not really doing anything terribly mischievous, hes just bad at manners. This is something his parents are in charge of. Do right by your kids and try to remember that every family is different.
First of all just because a 10 year old doesn't say "Thanks" doesn't mean that he isn't being taught manners at home.
My 10 year old has been taught manners since he was small, and I'll remind as I'm dropping him off for a sleepover to say "Thank you" to the parents. When we pick him up and we're almost out the door of his friends house I'll ask him if he remembered to say "Thank you". Nope didn't remember. So I'll have him go back and say it.
When his friends come over they say goodbye to my son, and I'll say goodbye to them but they don't really initiate goodbyes with me or my husband. They're 10 year boys and I know have all been taught good manners, but they're kids and evenutually they'll remember to say it.
I hope that just because my son forgets to say "Thank you" that a mom wouldn't let him come over to play. That's kinda harsh in my opinion and I think all you need to do is initiate a conversation with the boy.
We do that with my son's friends for various things. We let them know our house rules. Let him know that your house rule is to find you and let you know when he leaves the house. Gently keep reminding him until it becomes routine. Just like any other kid.
