How Will My Step Daughter Respond to New Baby?

Congratulations! I am also due in (early) November with my first girl. I saw an interview on Good Morning America with Brooke Shields who said she let her first get involved with preparing for the new baby. Her daughter got to help choose colors, themes, clothes, etc. to help her feel like it was "her" baby, too.
Good luck!

My girls are also 5 years apart in age. While I was pregnant with my youngest, I looked around for different things that were special just for my 5 yr old. I found some big sister things, like a button, a book, t-shirt and a charm. Also, I got her some other things specifically to her that said you are special to me. The day that we had my youngest, we had a bag ready to go and a card from the baby to her big sister. Also, we always referred to the coming baby as ours collectively. Congrats on your upcoming bundle of joy.

You will need to include her in everything you do with the baby, this way she will not be left out. When you receive visitors and they bring a gift, have a small inexpensive give for her to open also. Be sure that everyone says Hello to her. This way she will be happy around the baby. you know everyone forgets the older sibling and this is why they act out. They are trying to get as much attention and the new born.

You are a loving and caring stepmum in that you are already concerned about your fiance's little girl adapting to your new baby.
Since her mom and now her dad are both reproducing at such a close interval of time, you are wise to envisage problems up ahead.
This little girl could feel seriously "out of it" unless you take some serious preventative steps.
1. Communicate with her a lot about the coming baby.
2. Assure her that no-one can ever take her place.
3. Tell her that she will always remain very special no matter who comes into or out of her life.
4. Make her feel important being the big sister.
5. Encourage her to speak about how she feels about the babies and reassure her.
6. Find out what she would really like in the way of a gift and ensure that the new baby "brings the present home for her".

Hi C.... step parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It's tougher than being a parent in fact. But it can be done! I was in your position when I gave birth to my first and only child (just older than you lol). I have two beautiful step daughters who were 8 and 9 (4 months from being 10) when my daughter was born.

I just made sure to include them every step of the way. They even went with me to one of my doctors visits and actually got to hear the baby's heartbeat before my husband did. I printed copies of the ultra sound picture and gave one to each girl.

And when she was born we made sure they were a part of things. There were rules but we made a big deal of them being the big sisters. For the youngest it was hardest because she had been the baby for so long. And our situation was the opposite of yours. I got pregnant first and a year after I had my daughter the girls mother got pregnant. That's when everything REALLY hit. The youngest really had a hard time.

We just sat her down and told her we understood why she was having a hard time, why she was jealous etc. And then explained that while she wasn't the "baby" anymore, she was still loved just as much. That you can love a lot of people because love has no limits. It never runs out. And that her place in the family and our hearts had not changed. The only thing that changed was her position... she was a big sister now and that was so incredibly special.

And then the tougher part, especially if she doesn't live with you is trying to keep things fair and equitable at all times. That's a lot tougher to do. I just made sure to buy the baby's things when the girls weren't with us and if I bought her something when they were with us I got something for them too.

Just make sure to include her and let her know she's still loved just as much. Make sure daddy spends some quality one on one time with her and you do that too. Now and after the baby comes.

Understand the acting up isn't about the baby so much as it is about her feeling like the baby is loved more/more important than she is. Even with bio children that is an issue. Congratulations and lots of luck!

C. my heart goes out to you. My boyfriend was married before and they produced three beautiful children. His oldest is a girl and she is such a sweetie, the last thing I wanted was for her to feel left out and the boys as well. I had an emergency c-section so my recovery time was very painful at first. I stayed with my babygirl in my room the first three weeks not counting my daily walks. They wanted to hold her and play with her, but I was nervous becasue she had not had her second round of shots yet. Plus, one of them had a cough and the sniffles and they would not cover their mouth. They eventually asked their father if he loved the baby more.
Hetold them he loved each of them equally and he gave them the same TLC when they were just babies. Everything is fine now and they just love their baby sister. It realy tugs at the heart strings to see them all together.

As long as you involve her as much as possible. Make her feel like an important part of the family equation. Say you can't wait for her to show her baby sis the ropes. The simplst thing like helping bathe the baby,&changing a diaper is a big deal to big sis. Take a special shopping trip so she can help pick out clothes foe her little sis and be sure to pick her up a special little something as well for being such a good sport. God Bless!

What we did with my son (who was almost three at the time) when my daughter was born, was talked about how lucky his little sister was to have HIM for a big brother. We focused on her getting him for a big brother not him getting a new "wonderful" baby sister.... trust me, everyone else will take care of that aspect for you. The other suggestion I was given was to let her do what she wants to help and don't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. For example, ask her if she wants to get you a diaper for the baby and if she does tell her what a great helper she is and how wonderful that _____ (new baby's name here) is so lucky to have her for a big sister. We also stressed the great things that he got to do because he was the big brother and that she couldn't do because she was so little. Remember, she still needs time with the two of you without baby around so take advantage during naps when she is around. I know that your situation is a little different since she is your step daughter but I still think that there are a lot of similarities. Also make sure dad gets time with both but do keep in mind that she will understand more than the baby will and dad really needs to split time between both. Another thing is don't make the baby a "forbidden fruit" by that I mean don't panic when she goes near the baby just remind her to be a little more careful and I would let her hold, hep in any way most any time she wants to as long as it is safe and she is capable. Good luck, I remember those thoghts and feelings as well. Give her credit, I think at her age she will do better than you think... as long as baby isn't totally off limits.

Hi C.,
i think the one thingis to make her a big part of all of it the baby the pregnacy and all so she want feel left out ,,,daddy needs to tell her that she will always be his baby but he has room in his heart for than 1 baby but that she was his 1st and will always be 1st in his heart .get that out of the way then write back about your other concerncs that 1 is the most import one you are doing great so far.i think AMETHYST is a beautiful name for a girl myself .
good luck L.

I had three children when my fourth came along. There was two girls ages 6 and 9 and 1 boy (the only boy in both families) age 8. I made sure they were not jealous by including them in every decision. The hospital I was to deliver gave sibling classes for free that they all attended. They helped me choose the right nursery and everything. I also bought them books about the new baby and being the older siblings. They have understood the entire time that they can have as much or more influence on the youngest as I can. They are the big brother and big sisters who the little one will turn to when they want to learn about anything. They have helped with homework and private boy matters (that I just can't tell mom). Never has there been any jealous because this was never the new baby it was MY little brother. I also bought each one of them a special little gift as well as a new movie from the new baby which I wrapped and took to the hospital with me. As people came to visit they too brought a small toy or candy for the other three. This was a special thing that was not just happening to my husband and I it was happening to us all! I can tell you 9 years later they are all still extremely close and still take care of THEIR little brother. I hope this helps and God Bless you all
L.
____@____.com

This is what I learned from my goddaughter when she had
her second child.

When the lst child visited the hospital after 2nd child
was born, she held and played with the first child in the
hospital bed. She waited for the right time and told him
to let her know when he was ready to meet his brother.
It was only a little while, and he felt in control when
he was ready. The nurse brought the baby in and the mother continued to hold son #1 until he was ready to
hold the baby. This was a beautiful way to introduce
son #1 to son #2. Mom gave son 1 all of her attention,
until, of course, they got home.

More than likely, she WILL act up, at least once in a while. She was her daddy's little girl. Now she has to share with two new babies! Here are some things that might help:

*Try to be sure that she gets one-on-one time with her daddy every day if possible, so she sees that she is still important and not being replaced.
*Make a big deal of her status as a big sister. A big sister present from the new baby helps a lot! Plus, she no doubt will see the new baby getting lots of presents and that causes jealousy.
*When people are fussing over the baby (which they will, of course), make it a point to brag on her if she is in earshot. "Yes, the baby is cute. And _____ is such a good helper and sweet big sister to her."
*Give her the opportunity to help with the baby, if she is willing, such as fetching a fresh diaper, patting the baby's back for a burp, finding the baby's paci or socks, etc.

I'm in almost the same position. My daughter was 5 when I had my boy (8months old now) and her daddy had a little girl (4months old now) She did beautifully. There is a bit of jealousy but when she goes to her Daddy's I have made sure that he knows to include her in everything. She likes to help change diapers, learn to make the bottle, we watched a show together about shaken baby syndrome and suffication so that she would know what the result would be and how terrible it is. It scared her a bit but she now tells us... never shake a baby! all the time in a joking manner. As long as you and Dad show her she is still on top, then she'll work through it fine. I've even told her things like "Oh I'm so glad you don't cry like that anymore" or things to that nature so she feels special. She'll get older and realize what you were doing but for now... baby doesn't understand and 5 yr old does, lol.

The harsh reality is that you can't do a thing to prevent her being jealous and feeling left out/out of the loop. Her mom and dad couldn't/didn't/wouldn't keep their relationship together and now she is dealing with the consequence... two new parents and two new babies, each who will have both of their parents at the same house at the same time.

The best you can do is make the commitment to stay with your baby's daddy and offer both children (and any future children) the most stable environment possible.

Play up the big sister roll alot. Tell her what a good helper she is and you appericaite what she is doing. Let her pick out some baby outfits, if she is into that kind of thing, to dress her for the day. Loads of compliments and telling her what a big sister is all about and less scolding. If she does something like put a blanket on her head or something calmly tell her thats not ok and we are very gentle with babys but thank you for trying to keep her warm but again we dont do that.

My boys are adopted and I have a friend who told me that she did this for her natural children and I tried it with my boys and it worked out great! The first thing we did was take the older child to a class at the hospital about becoming an older sibling. They showed a movie about being the big brother or sister and what to expect. They let them practice holding a doll as if it were real. They also gave them a snack. I think it was only $5. The next thing we did was to buy some kind of small gift for the older child for the baby to give her after she is born. So when the older one goes to the hospital to meet her sister you can give her a doll or something. I say doll because then she can have a "baby" also. Another thing we did was to make sure the older child feels she is part of the babies life by helping bring diapers, wipes, birp cloths etc. and emphasize she is helping you AND her sister. The last thing we try hard to do is make sure we have special "dates" with the other children. We leave the new little one with family, if possible, and give the other child some attention from the parents without having to share us. It can be as simple as going to the park or library to going to Chuck E Cheese. You decide. This really helped with our boys and I don't think the jealousy started for them until they were much older and could actually fight over us. Wild, huh? Best wishes and God bless!

Get married before the baby comes! Your "step" daughter NEEDS stability and having her witness her father having another baby outside of marriage sets a BAD model for her. She needs to know that her daddy and you are a STABLE environment and family and that the new baby is part of the growing family. Good luck!

I went through this when my 2nd granddaughter was born. Everytime I went to see the baby, I'd love on the oldest girl first. And, then WE went to see baby sister. I'd say "now show me that baby sister of yours" and she'd be a part of it. Ask some of your family to do the same & it will be ok. Just be sure everyone loves the older girl & doesn't by pass her for the baby. We tend to go for the baby & forget the other one.

from everything i've read and heard, there's really no way to prevent them. the only reason lotion (of any kind) is recommended is because keeping your skin moist can improve it's elasticity. the reason you get stretch marks is from your skin stretching rapidly. the theory is that if you massage the lotion into your skin often enough, the stretching will be easier on your skin.
i used lotion daily during my first pregnancy and it didn't seem to help at all =) but that could've been in part due to the fact that i was underweight when i got pregnant and gained almost 40lbs ALL in my belly LOL with my 2nd pregnancy, my first daughter was about 18 mo. to 2 yrs old so on top of having no time to remember to put lotion on =D my point of view about stretch marks changed! now i just look at them as my labor of love. they are my "mommy marks".
so don't stress about it! i'm sure you'll forget all about them once you are holding your beautiful baby girl =D PS you can get stretch marks on your breasts, too! so if you DO try the lotion, be sure and put it on your chest, too! i have one large stretch mark on my breast that bothers me waaay more than any of the ones on my stomach =)

You definitely need to let her be apart of everything. Well to an extent. Ask her to help you decide the color of the baby's room (Have a couple already picked out to help narrow it.) She'll still feel like she is apart of it the decision making even though she's only been given the two option you really liked anyway. My husband and I recently married and trying to get pregnant. I have a 6 yr old who has actually asked to have a little brother or sister so I'm hoping we won't have too much of an issue. I've been told that you still need to make the older child feel special. Take her shopping or one day every week is about her whether it be day with daddy or the whole family but let her give you ideas of what she would like to do. Park, make cookies, get a toy for being extra good/great helper. When my aunt and uncle married they went through the exact same situation. He was the step father of an already 5 yr old girl and they were pregnant with another. He made sure that he would tell her how she was his "Favorite Older Daughter". Even today now that they are teenagers he finds ways to single them out by being a favorite....(something that they are the only one that does it but they still like to be singled out one way or another) What I've seen is children act up when they think the attention is taken away from them. She will have to learn to share time with the new sibling but if you start now you can work it out so that she doesn't feel that way.

Make her feel as important as possible! When our daughter came home from China, we were worried that our son might be jealous. So, we let him help paint her room, help pick out clothes for her, talked about what a wonderful big brother he was going to be and asked what him what he was going to teach her!

When we had baby showers, our relatives included our son by giving him a small toy, etc. We even made a "Big Brother" scrap book and had people from church, attendees at the showers, etc. write special notes just to him.

The day before she arrived home with Daddy, we had a special day out to celebrate the changes that were coming. We went to a movie, ate at a pizza play place and I made him a special shirt about being a big brother.

The more you can do to include her and let her see she is valued, the better off everything will be. Hopefully this will help.

Blessings,
M. S.

C., almost a year and a half ago I was in the same boat you are in now. My husbands daughter and I have had a good relationship since she was 2 and I was worried about how she was going to feel and react also. I'm not trying to scare you in any way but you need to prepare yourself for a hard few weeks/months. I absolutely love my step-daughter and she is an only child so I knew it would be a huge life shock for her. The things we had to deal with for about 6 months was lots of crying for attention, whining, lots of questions about why the baby gets to eat every 2 hours and she can't, why she can't be carried around anymore, why we want another baby ( her mother, who doesn't want anymore kids, told her she was perfect so she doesn't need to have anymore children),
and lying to her mom about what happened at our house. She would tell her mom repeatedly I didn't feed her and started making up lies like I was pregnant again and on a crash diet to lose weight. It was a very difficult time for my husband and I, but we pulled through. The only advise I can give you is to stand strong with your husband, give his daughter constant reassurance that she is not being replaced (books on new siblings really helped) and let her help with care of the baby so she gets to realize what a big sister is all about. My girls are now just absolutely in love with each other and have a great sister bond. I hope this info has helped in some way. If you need to talk about step-mom stuff, I definately would love some step-mom company. Good luck with your pregnancy and new baby!

Since she already is a big sister, this shouldn't be as big of an adjustment. But you still want to make sure that you include her as much as possible. At 5 she can be a big help to you so make sure to make the most of that. Also be honest, there are going to be times when you have to care for the baby and may not be able to do what the 5 year old wants, but there are plenty of things the 5 yr old can do that baby can't. Allow her her own space and her own toys so that she doesn't feel that baby is taking over.

I am 5 yrs older than my sister and we survived! Good luck!

I just went thru these same concerns. I too, have a 5yo stepdaughter, she'll be 6 in october. As it turned out, she was THRILLED to be a big sister, this will be her first sibling from either parent. What I did is make a really big deal out of how special a big sister is, i bought her a super cute "i'm the big sister" shirt to wear to my baby shower and at the hospital and she has helped us get her brothers room ready.

One of my main concerns came when we decided to move her out of her room and make that the baby room. So before we did anything to the baby room, we had a talk with her and told her we wanted to give her a brand new "big girl" room. She loves her new room and I think that really helped with the transition.

I have made her involved in everything, from taking her to the baby shower to making sure that she was with us the weekend her brother will be born. We just keep reinforcing to her that we both love her.

The only thing I've noticed is that she has become VERY clingy with me. I don't mind it, I love her, and fortunately i recognize it for what it is and make a point to reinforce to her that this baby isn't going to take her place in my heart.

The other thing her daddy and I have been adamant about, and fortunately her mom agrees, is that we do not ever refer to them as Half brother or half sister. This is her brother, her REAL brother, and nobody better say any different. We've been very lucky in that her mom was on board with this and really supported us (she knows that when she has another child, we will support her as well). She even sent down gifts for the baby that she and my step daughter picked out together.

All and all there has been nothing negative about this experience where my stepdaughter is concerned.