How to Tell Your Toddlers About Death of Family Member

Hi,

I am very sorry to hear your sad news. I lost my grandfather when my older son was 2 1/2 and my mother-in-law found a great book for me. It is called, "How Do We Tell the Children" by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons. It covers children ages 2 through teen and all different situations from the death of a pet to a close family member to a baby. It's a hard book to read (maybe because I was pregnant at the time) but it really helps you as a parent guide your children and understand their needs at that difficult time.

Best of luck and God Bless!

1 mom found this helpful

I agree with using books to explain death to children. I have a great book called Waterbugs and Dragonflies. It's written by Doris Stickney. It's a short little book but explains how when people die they go somewhere else and can't come back to see us anymore. I was first introduced to it in high school when my uncle died and the preacher did a little "childrens sermon" at the funeral service because my uncle had a lot of grandchildren. It not only helped the children but touched a lot of the adults as well. Good luck with helping your children through their grief and I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like you are planning to take the children to the services. If so, you need to have this conversation ASAP. A brief explanation & offer to answer any questions.
My husband's grandmother died in May (shortly after my son turned 5). We traveled to NY (from PA) for the services. We explained ahead of time that we would see other relatives there, but that grandma would be lying down. We did allow him to see her in the casket. The viewing was several hours long & we brought things to entertain him, & he behaved quite well. However, he did return to the casket several times. One of the items we brought for him was a mini-photo album with pictures of him over the last few months to show my in-laws who live about 6 hrs away & we only see a few times a year. Because she was Catholic (I think that's the reason, anyway) there was a type of kneeling bench at the head of the casket. At one point, my son asked to "show grandma the pictures". So I took him up to the casket for a few minutes (when no one else was in the immediate vicinity) & allowed him to "show" her the pictures. Even now, I have tears in my eyes as I remember him asking to give her a hug & a kiss. I explained to him that her body was here, but that the part of her that loves us back is with Jesus now.
You didn't mention if you have any particular religious affiliation. If so, you'll want to incorporate that into your conversation. If not, I'm not really sure wha tto say, since you'd obviously wnt to train your children in your beliefs, and I have no idea how to approach that.
I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you & your family during this difficult time.

If you do an internet search for explaining death to a child, you get a lot of resources. I'm sure you've gotten some pretty good advice on here already, but it's worth checking out if you're still unsure.

Dear N.,
I am so sorry for your loss.

Both my mother and my spouse's mum died in the last 2 years and we told our 5 year old and 3 year old as much as we could. We did not want them shocked by our crying and sadness. 2 years ago we took our eldest to the service but left our youngest home with a good friend. Both children went to the service this May for my MIL. We read them books about death. 3 favorites are: Rudi's Pond by Eve Bunting, I Miss You by Pat Thomas, and Dribbles by Connie Heckert. (We returned "the fall of Freddie the Leaf", we felt it was too intellectual and advance and long for our children and their attention span - mine too for that matter.) My spouse & I agreed that we would be as honest without being gruesome to our children. Both our mum's died from cancer in which the family participated in their care so our children (age appropriate) helped to care or visited and gave cuddles and held hands until the last possible moment. Your children will amaze you with their compassion, curiosity, and wisdom. Let them guide you in your discussions. And if it is your families philosophy, let them see your many different emotions.

Again, my condolences for your families loss & sadness.

Sincerely,
A. m.

I would tell them that he was called to heaven to be with god. If they are not religious I don't know what I would say.

Thanks,

T.

Hi N. - I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm a SAHM of 4 children and 1 of my own. One is 5 and the rest under the age of 2. Kids are smart....but will usually forget things that aren't in front of them anymore. I wouldn't get into details with your child. I would merely just tell them they are home with Jesus now or something to that affect. I probably wouldn't take them to the funeral. They are sure to ask too many questions, which in return will upset you more than anyone. Death is around us every minute of everyday, so why purposely expose them to it so young.
I wish you the best to all your family.
Sincerely,
Stepmarie

Hi N.,

I'm so sorry for the death of your family member. When I worked for hospice back in Ohio, we counseled family members to talk openly and honestly to their children - even young children - about death. Try not to use euphemisms, especially "Uncle went to sleep" as this will confuse and frighten a child. Tell them that his body stopped working and that all living things will one day die which means their bodies will stop working. Keep it simple. Give them the news initially, but then let their questions, if any, guide you.

Children are awesome at knowing how much info. they can handle. They will ask questions as they think of them. They will play when they've had enough.

Books are a great way to talk about death with your children. "Bear's Last Journey" is a great book. It will be too advanced for your 1 1/2 yr. old, but great for your almost 3 yr. old. Funeral homes often have other resources, books, pamphlets. I know we used to hand out a Mr. Rogers pamphlet/mini book to our families with small children.

When the time is appropriate and depending on your belief system, you can encourage your children to continue their relationship with their Uncle even though he has died. Tell them they can still talk to him and think of him whenever they want to even though they can't see him anymore. Remind them how much he loved them. Remind them how much you love them and give lots of reassurance.

Please feel free to e-mail me if you have any more questions.
I hope you find the info. helpful and blessings to you and your family during this most difficult time.

M.

Hi N.! My dad passed away in April, and my 2 year old seemed a little confused about why he was lying there in the funeral home. I explained to her that Papa was in the sky with the Angels now. She asw him in the hospital, while on life support, and then after everything was removed. I just told her that he was very sick. 3 months later, she reminds me that he was sick, and that he died, and is ow with the angels. I used the angels b/c she knows what they are...still iffy on who God is, so I didn't want to use that!
My daughter sounds like your 2 year old, very smart for her age...but did remarkably well with the bad situation! Like I said, I would use something that they are familliar with like the sky,angels,clouds or whatever. And remember to answer them honestly, plus at this age, they probably won't remember much anyways later in their life. Good Luck and sorry for your loss! ~C.

N.,
I'm very sorry for your loss. My son lost his Pap Pap at the same age. He was also a big caregiver to my son, so it was a pretty MAJOR issue with him. I will never forget sitting him down (he knew his Pap had cancer) and telling him that his Pap had died. I told him that sometimes the doctors can use medicine to make people better and sometimes it doesn't work. I told him that it didn't work for pap pap and that although Pap had tried very hard and fought and fought, he had died. I told him he now would be living in heaven with Jesus. I told him that Jesus had made Pap Pap well again. I also told him that we would always remember Pap Pap and as long as we did, he would always live in our hearts. I told him that someday, we would see pap Pap again whe we die and go to live in heaven. I agree with avoiding things like "he's sleeping, he's watching over you" etc.
I think my son had a hard time because I decided NOT to take him to the visitation or funeral--I just don't think he would have understood it at age 2, but I have explained funerals/burial to him. Tyler was making Valentines for everyone (2 months after the death) and was perplexed as to how he could get pap Pap's to him. My husband bought 2 helium balloons, attached the valentine & a letter from my son and let it 'float to heaven". He really seemed helped by that act. Email me persoonally if you want to discuss this further, OK? Again, my sympathy to your family.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

My grandmother died when my daughter was 26 months old. She had spent a lot of time with my grandmother, incl. visiting at the hospital near the end. Less than a week later, my husband's grandmother died, suddenly; my daughter also spent a lot of time with that great-granbdmother. It was a very emotional week for our families, of course. We talked to our daughter about death, generally and specifically. We did talk to her about the death. Children at that age are very resiliant when it comes to death; at least that was our experience. She was sad, in part because we were sad, and she was there to give us hugs and tell us she misses Nana or Great-Grandma, too.

When she was 4 yrs old, my brother-in-law died. That was a much bigger learning experience...seeing her cousins without their Daddy. She is very spiritual, was even back then, and asked a lot of questions. She asked questions and quoted The Lion King in her questions... (The Lion King takes some lines from the Book of Daniel, we learned!) Unfortunately, one year later she had to deal with the death of another person close to us, and a year after that, yet another. It sounds strange, but the very unfortunate, but early exposure to all this seems to have given her (and my son, 4 years toynger than her) a healthy and practical outlook.

I wish you strength during this difficult time.

Hi N.,
I'm sorry for your loss. It's always hard to explain to little people what is going on. We've had a number of deaths since my daughter has been born and people at funerals seem to be comforted a lot by the little new lives, so we always bring our children. First we do talk to them. In very simple terms we try to explain that it was thier time to go up to heaven. We try to explain that they were very happy and had lived long lives and they should not worry about anyone else going to heaven, but it was ___'s time. We also explain that people at the funeral will be crying and that's ok. They are missing ___ but it's ok because he is in heaven with Jesus looking down on ua. And he is happy and not in any pain. (Please do not be offended if you're not christian, just change the explination.) Our children have always done very well at funerals and have been a comfort to the family. They will have lots of questions and some children will be scared of the crying. Just be as delicate as possible and it should be fine. Good luck.